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Man Who Put the Pope on a Pizza: We’re Pizza Men, Not Artists 

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Man Who Put the Pope on a Pizza: We’re Pizza Men, Not Artists 

To honor the pontiff’s visit to the United States this week, New York pizza chef Tony Salihaj worked for hours—days maybe, who knows—recreating Pope Francis’s face with cheese and sauce for a special papal pizza.

“We want to do something special for the Pope, he’s coming back to the city,” Salihaj, the pizza chef at Bleeker Street Pizza in the West Village, told WABC, which glowingly described Salihaj’s creation as “unexpected.”

Salihaj spent five hours crafting the pie pictured above, using anchovies for Christ, what looks like vodka sauce for his Holiness’s skin, plus mozzarella, ricotta, and green and red peppers for the robe and ornaments.

Much like the pope would do if he’d put himself on a pizza, Salihaj humbly brushed aside praise for his creation.

“We’re pizza men, we’re not artists,” he said. Tony, we disagree—you’re both.

Man Who Put the Pope on a Pizza: We’re Pizza Men, Not Artists 

Man Who Put the Pope on a Pizza: We’re Pizza Men, Not Artists 

Man Who Put the Pope on a Pizza: We’re Pizza Men, Not Artists 


Contact the author at taylor@gawker.com.


Dreary Coastal Storm to Drench Carolinas, Mid-Atlantic Through This Weekend

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Dreary Coastal Storm to Drench Carolinas, Mid-Atlantic Through This Weekend

All eyes gazed toward the Atlantic as brilliant white clouds billowed skyward, signaling the arrival of the long-awaited newcomer. The crowds rejoiced, and a voice shouted down: “Habemus precip!” And so it was. Rain in the southeast is a religious experience these days, and there’s going to be a lot of it hanging around through the weekend.

Dreary Coastal Storm to Drench Carolinas, Mid-Atlantic Through This Weekend

A weak low sitting off the coast of South Carolina at this hour is the culprit behind the six thousand “I HATE DAYS LIKE THIS :(“ posts you’ll have to wade through on Facebook in the coming days. The radar is already filling in this afternoon, and scattered-to-steady rainfall will continue sliding northward into the weekend.

The system in question may very well have become a tropical depression or tropical storm if not for wind shear, but that’s to be expected in an El Niño year—it’s why just about every storm in the Atlantic this season flopped into a blob of nothingness. Even without a name or any apparent organization, it will still have some significant impacts across areas stuck under the gloom.

Rain

Dreary Coastal Storm to Drench Carolinas, Mid-Atlantic Through This Weekend

The latest forecast from the Weather Prediction Center shows a decent amount of rain falling over areas that desperately need it. Just about everyone in North and South Carolina can expect at least an inch of rain by this weekend, with most of the area seeing much more than that.

As it stands right now, it looks like the heaviest rain will remain limited largely to the Carolinas and southern Virginia, with three or more inches of rain possible from the Outer Banks west through the Piedmont.

There is the potential for flooding (or even flash flooding) in areas that see the heaviest rain. The greatest flooding threat will coincide with the heaviest forecast rain totals, but it’s not a clear-cut threat at the moment.

The NWS office in Greenville, South Carolina, says that low soil moisture and normal river/stream flows—in addition to the fact that the rain will be steady and shouldn’t come down all at once like one would see in a tropical thunderstorm—means that much of the land in the western Carolinas should be able to handle a few inches of rain without too much of an issue. Flash flood guidance in the Carolinas reflects much of the same—as it stands right now, it’ll take three to four inches of rain in three hours to trigger flash flooding in most spots.

Flooding could still be a threat, though, so keep an eye out for watches and warnings, especially if you live in or travel through flood-prone areas.

Drought

Dreary Coastal Storm to Drench Carolinas, Mid-Atlantic Through This Weekend

Even though many people will complain about the rain ruining their weekend, those same folks are probably complaining about their lawns and gardens dying off. Much of the region expecting precipitation in the coming days are slipping deeper and deeper into drought; nearly 25% of the southeast is in a moderate or severe drought, according to the latest numbers from the U.S. Drought Monitor.

The worst conditions are located over South Carolina, with 65% of the state in a drought and 25% of the land experiencing a “severe drought,” a two on a scale from zero to four. Any rain will help at this point, and a steady, soaking rain is the best form of drought relief.

Wind/Chill

Dreary Coastal Storm to Drench Carolinas, Mid-Atlantic Through This Weekend

Not only will it rain for a couple of days, but it’s also going to be windy. The stiffer breeze will stay close to the coast, but there’s going to be enough wind in the eastern Mid-Atlantic to knock you around a bit for a few days beginning on Friday.

The tight pressure gradient between the coastal storm and a center of high pressure in the Northeast is the reason behind the easterly breeze, and the direction of the wind will create a situation known as cold air damming. The Vane’s awesome headquarters (my bedroom) in central North Carolina experienced cool, gray, rainy weather earlier this week due to the year’s first cold air damming event, so ‘tis the season.

Cold air damming occurs when winds press cool, dense air up against the eastern Appalachian Mountains, where it gets stuck against the terrain and capped by warmer air above it. This is a more significant phenomenon when winter weather is involved—it often results in ice storms in the western Carolinas—but it will make this event feel more miserable than usual.

High Waves and Rip Currents

The strong, persistent easterly winds will make beaches and coastal waters hazardous through early next week. The National Weather Service says that there’s a high risk for rip currents along the Mid-Atlantic and Carolina coasts over the next couple of days due to the rough surf.

A rip current is a strong jet of water that quickly flows away from shore, dragging with it anything and anyone caught in its grip. Rip currents drag you out horizontally; they don’t rip you under the water like they show in movies.

http://thevane.gawker.com/learn-how-to-i...

Rip current deaths are 100% avoidable. Stay out of the water if there are rip current alerts in effect, and know what rip currents look like. If you’re ever caught in one, swim parallel to the shore until you’re out of its influence, or let it drag you out and tread water, calmly signaling for help.

There are also coastal flood advisories up for the North Carolina coast, alerting residents to what is basically a two- to three-foot storm surge during high tide.

Popecast

I figure since I subjected you to that awesome papal lede, and since Pope Francis is an avid reader (so I’ve heard), I should mention the weather he can expect during the rest of his visit.

The weather in New York City should be gorgeous tomorrow, with comfortable temperatures in the 70s and a nice breeze from the east. Conditions during his trip to Philadelphia on Saturday and Sunday could get a little dicey as this storm nudges northward, but it should start weakening by then. There will probably be some occasional bouts of rain in Philly this weekend, but this pope seems to take things in stride. I’m sure a little rain won’t bother him or the thousands of people eager to see him.

[Images: author, NOAA, WeatherBELL]


Email: dennis.mersereau@gawker.com | Twitter: @wxdam

My new book, The Extreme Weather Survival Manual, comes out in less than two weeks! You can pre-order it now from Amazon. It’s what the cool kids are doing.

500 Days of Kristin, Day 242: Tailgating Recipes for Dummies 

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500 Days of Kristin, Day 242: Tailgating Recipes for Dummies 

For the alleged benefit of those who have downloaded the Official Kristin Cavallari App for iPhone and Android, Kristin Cavallari announced at the beginning of football season that she would release one of her favorite tailgating recipes each week on the app.

The first week, she posted a recipe for “cheeseless queso”—something nobody wants. Additionally, Kristin marked this recipe as “exclusive content.” Exclusive content on Kristin’s app costs $2.99 per month.

The next week, Kristin posted a recipe for “stuffed jalapeños.” Again, she charged her followers $2.99 to view it. However: Kristin already released this recipe to the public, for free, via YouTube last year. She called her creation “jalapeño poppers” back then, but photographic evidence shows that “stuffed jalapeños” and “jalapeño poppers” differ only in name.

This week, Kristin posted another recipe on the app, one for “bacon-wrapped butternut squash.” Also $2.99. Unless you want to watch this free YouTube video, also from last year, in which Kristin demonstrates how to make “bacon-wrapped butternut squash.”

And so Kristin’s contempt for her followers becomes more apparent with each passing week. Her Super Bowl tailgating recipe will simply be called, “Fuck U Idiot.”

(I’m guessing.)


This has been 500 Days of Kristin.

[Photo via Getty]

Deadspin Goodnight Mommy Is Effortlessly Disturbing | Gizmodo I Watched Netflix In VR and Now Realit

Crowd Waiting For Pope Boos When Donald Trump Appears Instead

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Crowd Waiting For Pope Boos When Donald Trump Appears Instead

Just as the Pope was touching down in New York City on Thursday, Donald Trump was peeking his feathered head over a railing to a rousing chorus of boos.

The New York Timeslive blog of the Pope’s arrival included this gem at the end of a story about the crowd waiting for the Pope near St. Patrick’s Cathedral in Manhattan, where the pontifex is expected to celebrate Mass.

But there were boos, too, when the man whose name graces the Trump Tower, his head as recognizable as the pope’s, walked out into the crowd, grinned and waved.

Reporters lined up near Trump Tower to see the Pope tweeted similar reactions:

The boos may be a reaction to Trump’s comments last month during an interview with CNN. When asked what he thought of the Pope’s categorization of capitalism as “a real avenue to greed, it can be really toxic and corrupt,” Trump, as he is wont to do, said that he’d tell the Pope, “I’d say ISIS wants to get you.”

While Trump was being booed in his gilded tower, Pope Francis’ plane arrived at New York’s John F. Kennedy International Airport at 5:00 p.m. on Thursday, where he was met with greetings from Church officials and local Catholic school children. Despite only having one lung, the 79-year-old pontiff looked sprightly as he bounced down the stairs and onto the carpeted tarmac.

[Image via AP Images]

Today's Senate Vote Is Good News for Planned Parenthood

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Today's Senate Vote Is Good News for Planned Parenthood

Just a few hours ago, Senate Democrats (and some Republicans) blocked an attempt to deny federal funding to Planned Parenthood, which could help avoid a government shutdown that is scheduled for October 1, al-Jazeera reports.

Before the Senate voted, however, President Obama warned he would veto any legislation aimed at keeping the government open if it meant the removal of federal dollars from the organization.

Planned Parenthood receives $500 million annually from the U.S. Government.

The bill today sought to remove 235 million of those dollars, and allocate that money elsewhere for one year.

Senate Democrats said that a vote on a bill with new language that will seek to keep the funding of Planned Parenthood intact will happen on Monday.

[Image via Getty Images]

Maine Republican Demands Bill To Post Welfare Recipients' Addresses Online

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Maine Republican Demands Bill To Post Welfare Recipients' Addresses Online

The Mayor of Lewiston, Maine, has figured out the answer to society’s ills, and it comes in the form of public shaming.

Upset by the fact that Maine’s government maintains a website that lists the amount of money received by pensioners in the state, and angered by the existence of welfare recipients, or the “victimized, protected class,” Lewiston Mayor Robert Macdonald devised a plan.

The Tea Party-backed conservative, who is currently seeking re-election to a third term in his town of 36,000, announced a bill to create a website would list the names and addresses of welfare recipients publicly online.

Macdonald wrote in the Twin City Times:

“We will be submitting a bill to the next legislative session asking that a website be created containing the names, addresses, length of time on assistance and the benefits being collected by every individual on the dole. After all, the public has a right to know how its money is being spent.”

In a comment to the Bangor Daily News, Macdonald said that the listings were not meant to embarrass people, adding that welfare recipients already “flaunt it in public.”

Macdonald also said he would push for a bill that would bar the state from paying benefits to families for additional children born after a recipient has been receiving welfare payments and cap welfare payments after a certain time period.

Of Maine’s $2.7 billion budget, $100 million goes to state welfare benefits, Maine Democrats have already pointed out. And despite Macdonald’s most fervent hopes, they also note that such a law would be illegal, anyways.

It’s not the first time he’s faced backlash — in 2012, residents called for his resignation after his xenophobic remarks advising Somali immigrants to “accept our culture and you leave your culture at the door.”

But the Lewiston mayoral election is coming up in November, and a young progressive challenger has already broken the state record for mayoral campaign fundraising. If Lewiston’s lucky, Macdonald will never even get a chance to see his bill fail.

[Image via Youtube/WMTW-TV//h/t Raw Story]

Pig and Dog Best Friends Have Been Roaming the Florida Wilderness Together

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Pig and Dog Best Friends Have Been Roaming the Florida Wilderness Together

A pig and a dog were found wandering through wilderness of a Florida suburb this week, without a care in the world except one another.

Pig and Dog Best Friends Have Been Roaming the Florida Wilderness Together

The two were found in Seffner, a suburb of Orlando, on Wednesday, according to local Bay News 9. The person who found them reportedly said that the animals were “extremely bonded,” and that the pig “screams terribly when separated from the dog.”

Pig and Dog Best Friends Have Been Roaming the Florida Wilderness Together

But, like any good adventure story, this one has a happy ending. After a group called Lost and Found Pets of Hillsborough County posted photos of the missing animals online, the owner finally realized where the pair had gotten off to. He’d been missing them since Tuesday morning, when their arduous journey began. Luckily, the pair are now Homeward Bound.

[Images via WTVT]


Night Shift Posts, Ranked

Maryland Police Fatally Shoot Man Who Reportedly Waved Finger-Gun

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Maryland Police Fatally Shoot Man Who Reportedly Waved Finger-Gun

A man who was “whipping his hand around” as though it were a gun was shot and killed by Baltimore County Police, authorities said Thursday. The man, whose name has not yet been released, was shot three times by police after trying to use a fake prescription to buy cough syrup at a pharmacy, the Guardian reports.

A statement released by the Baltimore County Government reports that the incident was caught on video by a nearby surveillance camera:

The footage shows the suspect aggressively advancing on a single officer, who retreats with his gun drawn. The footage shows the suspect reaching around to the small of his back and abruptly whipping his hand around and pointing it toward the officer, as if with a weapon. The officer fires his weapon as the suspect swiftly brings his hand forward from his waistband. On the ground, the suspect refuses to comply and keeps reaching into his waistband, as if for a weapon.

Officers confirmed that no weapon was found at the scene. The officer involved has been placed on administrative leave while the Baltimore County State’s Attorney investigates.

The incident occurred in Reistertown, a suburb of Baltimore close to where riots broke out earlier this year after 25-year-old Freddie Gray died of a spinal injury in the city. Gray, who was arrested for carrying what police say was a switchblade, died of his injuries while in police custody.

[Image via WJZ]

China to (Finally) Announce Landmark System to Fight Climate Change

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China to (Finally) Announce Landmark System to Fight Climate Change

The world’s biggest carbon emitter is expected to announce plans to finally implement a program to put a price on pollution. At the White House on Friday, Chinese President Xi Jinping is expected to introduce a long-awaited national cap-and-trade program to be implemented in the country in 2017.

According to The New York Times, the announcement will happen during a meeting at the White House with President Obama. The move, which has been expected for over a year, is the latest in a series of cooperative ones aimed at tackling climate change made by both leaders in tandem.

Cap-and-trade programs, as they are informally known, are systems in which governments set limits on the amount of pollution that a company or industry can produce. If a company must exceed that limit to do business, it must also buy permits from other companies, theoretically triggering a “race to the bottom” for emissions and incentivizing cleaner technologies. There has been some debate over the scheme in the past, but the system is generally considered one of the best market-based ways to mitigate emissions.

The move could reverberate in the U.S., where political interests have for a long time stalled serious action on climate change. One of the main tenets of the Republican party’s opposition to carbon regulations has been the fact that China, the only emitter worse than the U.S., continues to pollute. But now, says the White House, that argument holds less weight, said officials on a conference call of reporters:

“One of the arguments that has been proffered against the United States stepping up and providing more resources to help poor countries develop in low-carbon ways has been that if the United States steps up with resources, then other countries won’t–the sort of argument that if the US leads, then others will just take a backseat.”

And with Beijing looking like this on a daily basis, the move to restrict emissions is coming not a moment too soon.

[Image via AP Images]

Little Girl Reels in Huge Bass With Barbie Fishing Pole of Steel

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“I can’t get it,” Avery says, “I can’t get it.”

‘She’s going to drop the Barbie poll!’ you think. ‘She’s going to fall headfirst right into that pond, Barbie poll still clutched in her tiny fist!’ you think.

But no. With her Barbie Spincast Rod and Reel Packaged Combo Kit in hand, Avery, as strong a sport fisher as anyone five six her age, reels in a massive bass, around 20 inches long.

What kind of steel are these Barbie fishing rods made of? Better question: What kind of steel is Avery made of?

[h/t Digg]

Guy With Cornrows Eats Corn While Listening to Korn

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[Corn-eating voice]:

Something [braids] a part of me
[Corn] and I were meant to be
A cheap [snack] for me to [eat]
Something [braids] a part of me
Part of me
Part of me
Part of me

Boom na da noom na na nema
Da boom na da noom na namena
Da boom na ba noom na namena
Da boom na da noom na namena
Da boom na ba noom na namena
Da boom na da noom na namena
Da boom na ba noom na namena
Da boom na da noom na namena
Da boom na ba noom na namena
Da boom na da noom na namena
Da boom na ba noom na namena
Da boom na da noom na namena

Go!

Today's Your Only Chance to Save $32 on a Year of Amazon Prime

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Today's Your Only Chance to Save $32 on a Year of Amazon Prime

To celebrate Transparent’s five wins at the 67th Primetime Emmy Awards, Amazon is selling Prime subscriptions for just $67, today only. That’s $32 less than usual, and the best deal they’ve ever offered on their marquee (and increasingly prolific) service.

The unfortunate catch here is that the deal is only for new members. In the past, there’s been a loophole to buy discounted Prime gift subscriptions, and then “gift” them to yourself when your own membership expired, but it seems like they’ve totally shut that down this time.

As soon as you check out, the membership will be immediately applied to your account, and your account only: No gifting allowed. And if you already have Prime, you won’t be allowed to check out at all. That’s a bummer, but this is still an amazing deal for anyone who hasn’t tried the best deal in tech. [Amazon Prime, $67]

http://gizmodo.com/amazon-prime-i...


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Saudi Prince Arrested at L.A. Mansion After Neighbors Reportedly Spot Bleeding Woman Screaming for Help

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Saudi Prince Arrested at L.A. Mansion After Neighbors Reportedly Spot Bleeding Woman Screaming for Help

A 28-year-old Saudi prince was arrested Thursday after a neighbor reportedly spotted a bleeding woman, screaming for help, trying to escape his $37 million Beverly Hills compound.

Police say Majed Abdulaziz Al-Saud tried to force the woman, who was reportedly an employee, to perform an oral sex act on him. Police were reportedly summoned after a caretaker reported a disturbance at the house, which Al-Saud was renting. The details, via the Los Angeles Times:

Neighbor Tennyson Collins said a resident reported seeing a bleeding woman scream for help as she tried to scale the property’s 8-foot-high wall Wednesday afternoon.

When Collins drove home from work after 1:30 p.m., police followed his car through the gates and onto the property, which he described as a compound. The website Zillow valued the 22,000-square-foot property at $37 million.

Officers escorted some 20 people out of the house, many of them staff, Collins said.

Al-Saud, who does not, according to the LA Times, have immunity in the case, was booked and released on a $300,000 bail Thursday.


Image via Shutterstock. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com


"I'm A Grown-Up Now": The Teen Who Accused Kevin Johnson Of Sexual Abuse Speaks Out

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"I'm A Grown-Up Now": The Teen Who Accused Kevin Johnson Of Sexual Abuse Speaks Out

There is a photograph of a pile of pink and white paper hearts atop Mandi Koba’s Facebook page. She cut the hearts out of hard copies of a 1996 police report from Phoenix, Ariz. The cops, according to the vintage report used in the arts and crafts project, were investigating “a celebrity involved in a reported child molestation.”

Kevin Johnson was the celebrity. These days he’s a politician, a national figure with aspirations to the governorship of California who’s proclaimed himself “Little Barack” and worked closely with the Obama administration. Married to Michelle Rhee, face of the charter-school movement, he’s positioned himself throughout his adult life as a sort of catcher in the rye for at-risk inner-city children through his work with a variety of charter schools and foundations, setting him up for his current run as the scandal-prone mayor of Sacramento, Calif. In 1996, though, he was one of the NBA’s top stars, at the very height of a career with the Phoenix Suns that saw him make three All-Star teams and earn tens of millions of dollars.

Mandi Koba, 15 years old at the beginning of the events described in the report, was the child.

http://deadspin.com/whos-funding-k...

In time, there would be a fair amount of public discussion of the allegations made in that report, which involved Johnson fondling the teenager, showering with her, rubbing his genitals against her bare thigh, suggesting they pray together and ask for forgiveness, and making the only child from a single-parent home give a “pinky promise” that she wouldn’t tell her friends or mother what he’d done. But the investigation produced no physical evidence that any crime had been committed, no criminal charges were ever filed against Johnson, and the accuser never spoke out.

A year after prosecutors decided not to indict, word about Koba’s molestation allegations got out around Phoenix. In May 1997, the Phoenix New Times reported that a lawyer representing the girl was trying to get money out of Johnson. Koba was not named—the pseudonym “Kim Adams” was used—but she took a beating in the story. Attorney Fred Hiestand, an advisor to Johnson at the time and to this day, told the paper that the Suns’ supernova point guard had indeed spent time with the accuser, but only because he’d “tried to help” her. Paul Rubin, the reporter who broke the bombshell story, wrote that Hiestand characterized the accuser as “mentally unstable and a liar.” Later, he would write that a Johnson lawyer had described Koba to him as a “sick slut” during his original reporting process.

“If he was interested in any kind of sexual action,” Hiestand told Rubin, “he had a lot more attractive offers.”

(Fred Hiestand—currently listed as president of two of Johnson’s non-profits, the Sacramento Public Policy Foundation and the St. HOPE Endowment—did not respond to repeated requests for comment.)

Johnson’s camp, it should be noted, was attacking a high school kid who, according to the police report, weighed 95 pounds.


"I'm A Grown-Up Now": The Teen Who Accused Kevin Johnson Of Sexual Abuse Speaks Out

Hearts Mandi Koba cut out of a 1996 police report. Photo via Focus Photography


Johnson retired from the NBA in 2000 and left Phoenix for Sacramento, where he went into politics and became mayor of his hometown. He’s since faced sexual-abuse accusations every so often. These allegations have been made by different people in different places and at different times, but tend to follow a very similar pattern. They’ve involved Johnson being in positions of trust—often within institutions he’s controlled—and young girls, who are sometimes underage. He’s always stayed clean, with the same lawyers by his side, but the Phoenix case remains notable. Not only was it the first time such an allegation was raised against Johnson, it remains the deepest investigation yet into his dealings with young girls.

The accusations in this report have followed Johnson for years, coming up in different contexts as he’s made his way in the world, but they’ve never seemed to have any serious effect on his standing or reputation. Part of the reason for this is that his accuser, Mandi Koba, has never publicly talked about the case. Her silence, however, had nothing to do with that pinky promise.

“I wasn’t allowed to talk about it,” she tells me.

Koba says that she stayed quiet because, not long after the New Times story was published, she took Johnson’s money in exchange for a pledge to never mention Kevin Johnson ever again except to “a priest, a therapist, or a lawyer.” She says that there is only one signed copy of the agreement she made with Johnson, locked away in a safe deposit box in Arizona. The box, she says, “can only be opened when both of our attorneys are present.” She assumes that he’ll come after her for any violation of the pact it holds.

(Ben Sosenko, Johnson’s press secretary at City Hall, did not return emails requesting comment.)

The celebrity from that police report remains a celebrity, soon to be fêted by ESPN with a documentary playing up his role in keeping the NBA’s Sacramento Kings from leaving town, but the child is no longer a child. Koba was 15 years old when she met Johnson, and still a teenager when she sold the right to talk about him—and about her own life. The pile of cutout paper hearts is but one of many indications that she’s still haunted and even defined by the parts of her life with him in them.

She’s 36 now, though. She lives in Virginia, far away from Arizona, and has three young children of her own. And she’s done staying quiet about Kevin Johnson.

“I’ve chosen to say what I want, fully aware of the consequences,” she tells me.

“I just felt like I wasn’t doing anything but protecting him,” Koba says of her years of silence. “Part of the way they got me to go along with the agreement was they told me it would protect me from his attorneys saying mean things about me. Well, I’m a grown-up now. They can say mean things about me if they want.”

“I kind of turned myself off and I was just kind of laying there.”

The original police report from the 1996 investigation into Johnson lays out a portrait of a sexual predator grooming a victim so broadly familiar in its details as to verge on cliché. It says that Koba met Johnson in 1995 while shooting a TV commercial aimed at reducing gun violence. She’d been recruited by her boss at the Phoenix Department of Parks and Recreation, where she was working on an anti-gang initiative, to serve as an extra in the PSA. Converse sponsored the production, and Johnson, who had his own line of shoes with the company, was cast as the star. Koba told police that Johnson gave her his business card soon after the shoot, and sent flowers to her home for her 16th birthday.

She now says that everybody was starstruck when Johnson came over to meet her mother and tell her that her daughter had great potential in need of nothing more than someone who could tap it, and that with no father in her picture, he could be that someone. “I grew up with a Kevin Johnson poster on my kitchen door,” she says. “We had season tickets.”


"I'm A Grown-Up Now": The Teen Who Accused Kevin Johnson Of Sexual Abuse Speaks Out

Kevin Johnson drives on Michael Jordan in the 1993 NBA Finals. Photo via AP/Jon Swart


So Mom gave Johnson, then 29 years old, her blessing to mentor her daughter, with one caveat.

“She told him he couldn’t be my boyfriend,” Koba now says. “She told me the same thing.”

(Mandi Koba’s mother could not be reached for comment.)

The transcript of her 1996 interview with the Phoenix Police Department has her telling police she was lacking a “father figure” when Johnson showed up. He gave her a pet name, she told police: “Whiskey.”

“And when he hasn’t seen [me] in a while or talked to me,” she said, “he’d leave a message telling me that he needed a shot of whiskey.”

One of her first talks with Johnson, she told police, involved her telling him all about “water balloon fights out on the street.” Koba all but stopped seeing friends from Arcadia High in Scottsdale that summer, and instead spent her time hanging out with Johnson. Among the outings listed in the police report, Johnson took her to see Batman Forever in a theater and rented The Last Seduction for them to watch at her home.

“She was very smart, and beautiful, and had a lot of friends, but she basically just dropped out socially and was with him all the time,” says a high school friend of Koba’s. “It was all very secretive and weird. We’d ask what they were doing, and she told us they’d just read the Bible together. There was a whole lot of the Bible.”

She told the police, however, that he began taking her to different properties he owned in the Phoenix area, and that that this is when the molestation started.

From the report:

Although the physical contact between Kevin and Amanda started with just massages of her feet and taking her hand while talking, it escalated, according to Amanda to events that made her feel bad.

At Kevin’s home on Camelback Mountain, Amanda said she and Kevin were watching television on a big circular couch. Kevin began acting as if he were looking for a quarter and ended up on top of her. She said the two went to the guest house portion of Kevin’s home where he then fondled her breasts and vagina. Kevin did this while the two were naked, lying on the bed. The only clothing Amanda recalled having on was possibly her socks.

Later the two would shower together as Kevin lathered soap on his body and hers. The only thing said between the two, according to Amanda, was Kevin telling her not to talk. It should be noted that while on the bed with Kevin, Amanda said she felt his penis with her hand as it brushed up against it and as it was against her leg.

Another time, she told a detective, they met up at a local park, took a short drive, and parked. He fondled her stomach and breasts for 15 to 20 minutes as she wore nothing but socks and a long sweatshirt he’d asked her to wear.

“After,” she said, “I mean I kind of turned myself off and I was just kind of laying there.”

The police report indicates that law enforcement was tipped off to Johnson’s alleged behaviors not by Koba, but by a therapist who had been working with Koba because she was suffering a serious eating disorder. Before going to the police, though, according to the report, the therapist had, bizarrely, gotten in touch with Johnson and told him that Koba and she had discussed their having sexual contact, which the therapist related to the eating disorder. Koba now says that police weren’t thrilled by the therapist’s actions, and that their investigation was compromised by that approach. However, investigators nevertheless went forward with a “confrontation call,” having Koba phone Johnson on a secretly tapped line to try to get him to talk about their dealings. The police report contains a transcript of that conversation. In it, Johnson comes off as guarded, but it nonetheless speaks for itself:

Koba: “Well, I was naked and you were naked, and it wasn’t a hug.”

Johnson: “Well, I felt that it was, you know, a hug, and you know, I didn’t, to be honest, remember if we were both naked at that time. That is the night at the guesthouse?”

Koba: “Yeah. ... Why would I be upset if it was just a hug?”

Johnson: “Well, I said the hug was more intimate than it should have been. But I don’t believe I touched your private parts in those areas. And you did feel bad the next day and that’s why we talked about it.”

Koba: “Well, if it was just a hug, why were either one of us naked?”

Johnson: “Again, I didn’t recall us being a hundred percent naked.”

Koba told police that Johnson stopped taking her calls or returning pages after the confrontation call. She says now that she always felt like the cops believed her and worked hard to build a case, and there is evidence of that in the police report. A transcript shows that during one lengthy interview, a detective told her, “I think he’s taking advantage of you because of his celebrity status and I think he’s probably taking advantage of other young people.”

The Phoenix police filed their report with prosecutors in Maricopa County, who told Koba by mail that they would not pursue the case. She asked for a reconsideration, but got the sense that a staffer in the district attorney’s office was just trying to get her out of the room.

That staffer, she says, told her that while her story was credible, the decision to not prosecute was made in part because of a lack of physical evidence and in part “because of who he is.”

Koba has not heard from Johnson since around the time of the settlement, which she says compelled him to “apologize telephonically” to her for any harm she suffered, while denying any responsibility for that harm. She has heard from Johnson’s attorneys, however. She takes macabre pleasure in recounting one of those contacts.

“He tried to get me to pay for the safe deposit box,” she says. “Really. He’s absolutely unreal. It was like $18 a year, and they would send me the bill.”

Did you pay it?

“Hell, no.”

“I didn’t want to use his money for anything good in my life.”

Mandi Koba asserts that Kevin Johnson paid precisely $230,600 for her silence.

This is the figure you get when you add up the numbers on the first page of what she presents as an unsigned copy of their agreement that she got from her lawyer when he retired. (It tracks the $230,000 figure reported in the Sacramento Bee in 2008.) While this document played a pivotal role in her life, Koba didn’t know the total amount off the top of her head, because legal fees, a payment to her mother, and hefty health care costs from mental injuries she attributes to what Johnson did to her ate into the sad windfall. Her original payment was $59,000, with another $91,918.24 put into a trust in her name.


"I'm A Grown-Up Now": The Teen Who Accused Kevin Johnson Of Sexual Abuse Speaks Out

A detail from what Mandi Koba asserts is an unsigned copy of a 1997 agreement between her and Kevin Johnson; a fully executed version, she says, remains in a safe deposit box.


Koba says that the money went fast. She left Phoenix two months after the settlement to go off to the University of San Francisco, and wonders now what those years would have been like had she arrived on campus as a “normal girl.” She lasted a semester, and says she dropped out because she was obsessing over how her tuition was being paid with Johnson’s blood money.

“I didn’t want to use his money for anything good in my life,” she says. “I didn’t want to think, looking back, that my college degree was with his money.”

Koba says she moved back home, intent on spending the settlement on “meaningless things.” When it was all gone, she enrolled at the University of Arizona, and in 2003 got a BA in women’s studies. I ask if she can recall any specific purchase she made; she says she can’t.

She can, however, give a litany of afflictions she traces to her encounters with Johnson, none uncommon among sexual-abuse survivors: severe trust issues, an eating disorder that required hospitalization, bad relationships with men, and more. She has yet to share or enjoy her kids’ growing love of sports, and fears she never will. She’s not sure she’s right to scold them whenever she feels they’re celebrating a professional athlete, such as by asking her to buy them a basketball player’s signature shoe, but can’t help herself. She says that her relationship with her mother, whom she is unable to forgive for not protecting her from Johnson, “will never heal.”

And she reports other invisible wounds. Perhaps most surprising, she says, is how acute and damaging her memory of Johnson’s scent still is.

“If I smell anything like what he smelled like, it’ll take me right back to being abused,” she says. “That still happens. I still have that memory.”

“Mr. Johnson ‘said all he needed was my savings account number.’”

The past comes back for Koba whenever she reads about Johnson being accused of messing with kids. That’s not too rare. A 2008 story in the Los Angeles Times about Johnson’s first run for mayor mentioned that Johnson had overcome allegations that he “molested a 16-year-old girl named Mandy in 1995.” The Times reporter wrote that Fred Hiestand, Johnson’s fixer, said that “his accuser was mentally unstable and had been swayed by a zealous therapist.”

That same story also went over accusations that in 2007 Johnson had molested a student at St. HOPE, the charter school he founded in Sacramento. But Hiestand, who had trashed Koba more than a decade earlier in Phoenix, showed up to assert, as the reporter described it, that “the girl’s words had been twisted by the teacher who reported the allegations.”

Erik Jones was the St. HOPE teacher who went to police in 2007 after a student told him that she and other kids at St. HOPE had been molested by Johnson. Last year, he told me that he had never twisted anybody’s words. Here’s a portion of a suspected child-abuse report he filled out after the alleged incident was described to him:

On Monday April 23, [REDACTED] relayed the following information to my self (Erik Jones), Jill Tabachnick, Dora Bromme, and Lisa Wood:

“Mr. Johnson [a teacher and President of St. HOPE publics Schools] came up behind me and started to massage my shoulders. Soon his hands were on the top of my breasts. The situation grossed me out and that was not the first time. He has, on numerous occasions, hugged me and kissed me either on the cheek or on my forehead. He is a family friend, but I feel creeped out when he does this. He has also done this to other girls in the class and with one of the Hood Corps students he tried to crawl into her bed. And that is why she quit Hood Corps.”

No charges were filed in that case. According to the Sacramento Bee, police never interviewed Johnson, who was running for mayor and also serving as principal of the school when news of the accusations broke. His campaign released a statement to the paper saying that the school had put together “[a]n impartial three-person panel” to investigate the accusations, and “found that the allegation was unfounded.”

The leader of the impartial panel? Kevin Hiestand—Fred Hiestand’s son.

(Kevin Hiestand, who at one point served as chairman of the board of St. HOPE Academy and was later treasurer of Johnson’s campaign for re-election as mayor, didn’t return emails requesting comment.)

According to a 2008 report on St. HOPE by the Corporation for National and Community Service—the federal agency that, among other things, oversees AmeriCorps—Jones told investigators that Kevin Hiestand, who is also an attorney, had tried to get him to change his story. The Bee reported—in a story included in a Congressional report on the firing of the man who ran the CNCS investigation—that a student corroborated this version to one of their reporters:

The classmate, Dora Bromme, said Hiestand pulled her out of class and told her the girl making the allegation had recanted. In an interview, Bromme told The Bee that Hiestand said he was from “human resources” but did not identify himself as a lawyer.

She said Hiestand told her that the student “told us that (Johnson) just kissed her on the forehead and gave her a pat on the shoulder and left.”

“I said to him ‘I can tell you for a fact that’s not what she said,’’’ Bromme said. “He was changing around the story.”

Jones quit teaching at the school in protest, and in his resignation letter wrote, “St. HOPE sought to intimidate the student through an illegal interrogation and even had the audacity to ask me to change my story.”

Jones remains bitter about how the school handled accusations against its founder.

“Kevin Johnson said education is the civil rights movement of the 21st century, and I believed it,” Jones says. “I thought he wanted to make lives better.”

Jones’s resignation story was not the only molestation allegation against Johnson that surfaced during the CNCS investigation of St. HOPE, which was carried out by Gerald Walpin, the agency’s inspector general. Walpin was primarily looking into charges that Johnson was using grant money for personal uses, and reported “false and fraudulent conduct in connection with $845,018.75 in Federal funds.” But his report on St. HOPE also included allegations of inappropriate sexual conduct made against Johnson by five young women.

No names or ages for the accusers were given, but Walpin wrote that Johnson’s behavior could “seriously impact … the security of young [AmeriCorps] Members” that had volunteered for Johnson’s non-profits. A Congressional report on the investigation said Walpin’s findings “give rise to reasonable suspicions about potential hush money payments and witness tampering.” One alleged victim, according to the report, told investigators that Kevin Hiestand had “basically asked me to keep quiet,” and that Johnson later “offered her $1,000 a month.

“As [REDACTED] related that conversation,” the report states, “Mr. Johnson ‘said all he needed was my savings account number,’ he would make the deposit and ‘no one needed to know about it.’”


"I'm A Grown-Up Now": The Teen Who Accused Kevin Johnson Of Sexual Abuse Speaks Out

Kevin Johnson at a press conference in Sacramento, 2012. Photo by AP/Rich Pedroncelli


The report also details how charter-school activist Michelle Rhee—then a board member at St. HOPE and Johnson’s future wife—served as “a fixer, doing ‘damage control.’” A St. HOPE staffer, Jacqueline Wong-Hernandez, told investigators that shortly after she alerted Rhee that a student had accused Johnson of sexual misconduct, Kevin Hiestand visited the accuser and the matter then went away. Wong-Hernandez, like Jones, quit her job at the school in protest.

(Rhee is again on the St. HOPE board of directors; neither she or a representative responded to repeated requests for comment.)

Johnson paid a large fine to the federal government to settle the financial claims brought up by Walpin, but no criminal charges ever grew out of the sexual-abuse allegations.

Koba admits to having kept up with Johnson through the years, and to having followed the fallout from the Walpin report. I ask what goes through her mind when she reads that other kids are making allegations against Johnson similar to those she made as a teenager.

“I did feel validated,” she says. “And I felt horrible.

“For the longest time, I would feel that it was my fault—I hadn’t done enough to stop him,” she says. “I know that’s ridiculous. I couldn’t stop him. But I felt responsible for their pain. I don’t know who they are, and they likely cannot tell anybody but their therapist or the priest or attorney.”

“It’s time.”

Mandi Koba has never used her real name to enter into any public discussions of Johnson.

But it’s been out there for anybody to find. Because of a lazy or uncaring redactor, the name “Amanda Koba” is in the 1996 police report, which has been circulating around the internet for years. So anybody who sifts through all the sleaze found in those pages can learn who Johnson’s original accuser was.

And over the last year, Koba has quietly made it easier to find her. In January, she published a personal essay, under the byline Mandi Koba, on a website called The Unslut Project, which gives as its mission statement, “Working to undo the dangerous ‘slut’ shaming and sexual bullying in our schools, communities, media, and culture.” Johnson’s name doesn’t appear anywhere in Koba’s piece, but from the title—“My Silence Has Been Bought. My Story Is Not My Own”—on down, it’s otherwise loaded with everything she was paid by her alleged assailant not to talk about.

Here’s the opening paragraph:

“I am every victim of sexual assault by a celebrity, a professional athlete, a politician, who has been silenced. I’ve been afraid to speak, come forward and tell my story. But no more. It’s time.”

What follows is a searing description of being “intoxicated by... the attention, the specialness that draws people to the energy of the well known and celebrated,” of being “conned” and “accepting the unwanted touch of a grown man I trusted, believed in, thought believed in me. An adult mentoring me, grooming me, promising me the world if I would just trust, trust in him.”

“I’ve been called a sick slut in the media, a gold digger, an unreliable victim,” Koba wrote. “I’ve had attorneys infer that the man who abused me had much more attractive women, options, so the idea that he’d sexually abuse me, a minor, was ludicrous. I’ve had my perpetrator - that’s what he is, a perpetrator, not someone who just made a mistake - held up as an example, a leader, a trusted advisor.”

In the piece, she also admits to taking money from her assailant.

In the spring, she posted several photos of the pink and white paper hearts on her Facebook and Twitter. She even explained to an admirer where the paper came from: “Those hearts were repurposed from a very painful, negative police report into something joyful. Better than money.”


"I'm A Grown-Up Now": The Teen Who Accused Kevin Johnson Of Sexual Abuse Speaks Out

Mandi Koba. Photo via Focus Photography


Koba has also started up her own blog, at mandikoba.com, that she designed as a clearinghouse for sexual abuse survivor stories, including her own: In June, she reposted her piece about being paid off by the celebrity who molested her.

All in all, it’s as if she wanted to be found—and a matter of practicing what she preaches. Koba now volunteers as a crisis responder for sexual assault victims through Rappahannock Council Against Sexual Assault. In that role, she visits emergency rooms of local hospitals when rape kits are being administered to serve as a liaison between victims and law enforcement and to “hold hands” when anybody needs it.

Mostly, she’s there if somebody wants to talk about what happened to them. She says what she experienced as a kid helps her deal with victims as an adult, and that she’s pleased that the world is a better place for young victims now than it was when she told the police Johnson had molested her. No lawyer, for example, would dare trash a juvenile accuser in the media today the way Johnson’s machine trashed her nearly two decades ago.

But, she says, on the job she’s realized the legal system remains imperfect. She says she recently was in an emergency room and witnessed a police officer who she believes was sincerely concerned about the well-being of a girl who’d been raped tell her that “she shouldn’t have gone to the boy’s room.” And no matter how much nicer the world is for those who suffer sexual abuse now than it was 20 years ago, Koba says that she believes a child seeking justice against a celebrity of Kevin Johnson’s stature would fare no better now than then.

“Oh, he would totally get away with it now,” she says. “He totally would.”

Koba recently filmed a public service announcement, just as she’d done as a 15-year-old on the day she first met Kevin Johnson. This one, however, had a different purpose. It was aimed at convincing victims of sexual abuse not to stay silent.


Do you have a story to tell about Kevin Johnson? Contact the reporter at dave.mckenna@deadspin.com or use our SecureDrop system for extra security. Top image by Jim Cooke, with photo via AP and text via Phoenix Police Department.

Deadspin “I’m A Grown-Up Now”: The Teen Who Accused Kevin Johnson Of Sexual Abuse Speaks Out | io9 K

Congress Finally Loses Its Persistent Boehner

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Congress Finally Loses Its Persistent Boehner

John Boehner, the orange in a necktie who had recently emerged as the relative voice of sanity in a budget battle that’s been stalled out by his Republican party’s far right wing, will leave Congress and resign as Speaker of the House in October. The New York Times broke the news, citing aides in Boehner’s office.

With the budget deadline coming up on Sept. 30, Boehner had been working to avoid a government shutdown like the one in 2013, but facing pressure from more conservative Republicans (notably Ted “Cohiba” Cruz) to block any budget that would continue to provide funding for Planned Parenthood.

House members were reportedly stunned when Boehner broke the news in a private meeting.

“Everybody’s still in sort of a state of shock,” Rep. John Mica (R-Fla.) told The Hill.

Boehner reportedly told members that the party’s leadership debate had been distracting from its mission.

“He just does not want to become the issue,” Mica added. “Some people have tried to make him the issue, both in Congress and outside.”

Just a day before his announcement, Boehner’s office said “he’s not going anywhere. If there’s a small crew of members who think that he’s just going to pick up and resign in the middle of his term, they are going to be sadly mistaken.”

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the Republican party, “values voters” are celebrating:

[Photo: AP Images]

Bedbugs Have Infested My Brain

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Bedbugs Have Infested My Brain

Last week, I took cover when I spotted what turned out to be a feather fluttering down from a locker to my gym’s floor. At home, my eye caught a loose thread swaying on a cloth bag in one of my cabinets, and I flinched. A green pepper seed stuck to a FedEx envelope on my coffee table turned my stomach. I freaked out as a drop of water ran down my chest. I was cooking dinner the other night and I realized that I did not like the way that the flame on my one burner was dancing. I did not like it one bit.

It’s been more than a month since I’ve seen a single bloodsucking bedbug in my apartment, and yet I think I see them everywhere. My mind is playing tricks on me. Bedbugs are so small that every tiny, dark-colored speck of anything could be one and deep paranoia drives me to scrutinize every morsel of matter as such. I’m always on patrol, like a cat trapped in an apartment who has nothing better to do but look at absolutely everything.

I have scooped up now countless piles of what look like black pepper flakes that might be bedbug feces to see if they’ll dissolve and run red in rubbing alcohol. I read on a forum that you should do this to test if you are infested. They haven’t run red yet, by the way, so I assume they’re coffee grounds. I don’t quite trust that assumption, but I’m not quite at the point of rejecting hard data. I’m still in my experimental phase. I’m still attempting to cling to sanity here.

I never realized how much black fuzz is in my life, or the extent of its ability to haunt me. I feel like I could fill my bathroom sink with the amount of fuzz I’ve pulled from various other fabrics, and at least the toilet would be right there for me to throw up in when I looked at it. Will the upcoming sweater season finally push me over the edge for good?

Every time I have an itch, I wonder why (it’s probably a bed bug). Every time I see my cat scratching himself, I wonder why (it’s probably a bed bug). My skin is extremely sensitive, and every blemish I have now looks to me like an attempted massacre. Just as I will never be completely sure that I am free of bedbugs, I cannot be completely sure that red marks, ingrown hairs, pimples, bruises, scratches, etc., aren’t actually bedbug bites. I could be getting bit right now. If only I had hundreds of eyes trained to every square inch of my body.

I don’t think I was bitten, though. I never had any true telltale signs of bites—the several small pricks in a row, the swelling, the intense itch-soreness combo that my friend who had them when he lived in Dubai experienced. In fact, I had no idea that I was living with bedbugs until I saw them with my own eyes. One Sunday in early August, I came home to Brooklyn from visiting my family in Jersey. I was straightening up my bed after unpacking when a bedbug strutted its way across my duvet cover. It had the fiercest walk I’ve ever seen. I scooped it up with an undershirt and deposited it in the toilet. “I’m just going to pretend I didn’t see that,” I thought. “Maybe it’s just one.”

And then, as if to mock my willful ignorance, the bedbugs made themselves apparent repeatedly. An hour or so after finding the first, I was reading in bed and two together came bounding over the hill my bunched-up comforter was making for them. They were fucking frolicking. The only way the scene could have been more picturesque is if one of them were flying a kite the size of a pinky nail. I flushed them, too. Then I saw one on my bathroom wall. My bathroom wall. Before I could even process why how what a bedbug was doing on my bathroom wall, I saw another crawling across the floor tile. Later, I found one on a curtain in my living room.

I found a few more on my box spring, which I steamed and sprayed with isopropyl alcohol. My friend Tracie Egan Morrissey (formerly of Gawker Media’s Jezebel, she now runs Broadly) had them recently and told me to do this. She keeps one of the tidiest houses that I’ve ever been in, so the fact that she had them made getting them myself easier to deal with, psychologically. I can’t be that big of a dirtbag if she had them. She told me she believes she got them from a four-star hotel.

“I used to crawl around on the floor at night and look for things on my hands and knees,” she told me. “Also, for about six weeks straight I compulsively washed and dried everything every night, steamed and vacuumed, from after I put my daughter to bed until 2 or 3 in the morning. I was like a zombie, I was so tired.”

The night I treated my room, I started around 9 and didn’t get to sleep (on the couch) until after 4. I didn’t stop at my box spring—I steamed and sprayed my entire bedroom with alcohol. I inhaled so much alcohol, I began understanding what Kitty Dukakis saw in it. I threw all of my shoes in contractor bags that I had weaponized via dichlorvos strips, which I had to have mailed to my family in Jersey since they no longer can be purchased in or sent to New York. I missed several days of work preparing for the exterminator who eventually came (paid for by my landlord, thank god). I had to throw away my couch and box spring. I sent away the majority of my wardrobe to a service that specializes in treating bedbug infestations (it cost me hundreds of dollars). The clothes that I didn’t send away I kept in garbage bags, which is to say I was living out of garbage bags up until last week. I have these hideous anti-bedbug coasters now under every leg of furniture that I own. Just in case they come back.

Sometimes they come back. A friend of mine who had them last summer told me they came back four times. The exterminator would come, a week would go by, and bam, more bedbugs. They still live inside him, too.

“Any time I see a dot or a crumb I do a double take,” he told me. “Every time I change my sheets I check.”

“At restaurants I would pick crumbs up off the table and inspect them in the candle light,” Tracie said.

I wonder if bedbugs are the Helter Skelter of insects: once they’re in your head they never let go. To experience them is to be obsessed. Granted, some people have it worse than others—Jake Scott, who wrote recently about his infestation for Vice, reports that he still sleeps with a flashlight next to him. “Since I started writing this I’ve sliced open my box spring to apply boric acid and my back is bleeding from uncontrollable scratching,” he writes. His infestation happened two years ago.

I will live out the rest of my days in limbo, not ever completely sure that I don’t have bedbugs. Living in New York, this was always the threat—so claimed the piles of news stories that I once wrote off as hysterical. Man was I dumb. They were right all along! Bedbugs are infectious disease externalized. They’re transmitted socially, they’re a bitch to get rid of, and there’s no guarantee they won’t come back. At least with something like an STD, you have a period between your penicillin shot and your next sexual encounter where you can be certain that you’re free of disease. That’s not so for bedbugs. Who knows if your treatment was effective? It would be impossible to see every translucent egg sac that’s less than one millimeter long. It’s impossible to look inside every wall to make sure there isn’t one there just waiting to crawl out and unleash hundreds of baby bedbugs.

And that’s just considering what’s in your apartment—if you’re leaving it and interacting with humanity, you’re putting yourself at risk. I used to really resent people who kept their backpacks on in crowded subway cars, but now I can’t say I blame them. Who knows what’s on those floors? Of course, if everyone keeps their backpacks on, backpacks are bumping and rubbing against each other, a perfect way to share bugs. A woman standing next to me the other day swayed with the train’s motion and knocked into me several times with her pleather, fringe-covered bag. Each poly tendril looked like a potential rope swing for bedbugs, and there were hundreds of them. As I regarded this fringe-bearer, I became nauseated, and for once it was not because I was being judgmental about sartorial decisions.

I don’t know how I got bedbugs. They could be anywhere, and if they could be anywhere, they might as well be everywhere. I’ve never been particular about personal space or sharing germs, but now I would appreciate it if no one that I’m not intimately connected to ever touched me again. In fact, nothing should touch anything ever again. I don’t want anyone to come over ever. I don’t want to go to anyone else’s apartment. I don’t want to sit on wooden benches. I don’t want to sit at all. I don’t want to be in taxis. I wonder when Zipcars will start getting infested. In New York, there would seem to be a fine line between a car-sharing system and a bedbug-sharing system.

The other day, I spent a few minutes at a movie screening contemplating which was a worse placement for my bag on the floor: touching the chair it was in front of or not? (I ultimately decided it should not be touching a chair.) I’m so freaked out about bringing bedbugs home from movie theaters now that as soon as I get home from one, I strip naked and throw everything into garbage bags that I tie. (I also steam my backpack vigorously.) I see a lot of movies, so I go through this process multiple times a week. Before I drop my laundry off at the laundromat, I open the several garbage bags containing various nights’ outfits outside of my building. When I’m not using it, I keep my laundry bag stored in a garbage bag with a dichlorvos strip in it—laundromats seal the clothes they wash, which is great (even though the plastic bags do not seem nearly thick enough to me) but they generally store the untreated laundry bags up against each other. The laundry bags! The laundry bags! Won’t somebody please think of the laundry bags!

A pest spread by incidental contact is the ultimate fuck-you to New Yorkers, and we put up with a lot of fuck-yous as a result of overcrowding alone. This city is constantly rubbing itself in your face and mocking you: “Why do you want to live here? Why do you want to live here? Stop hitting yourself.” What we need is a PrEP but for bedbugs. Whoever invents it will be very rich. Something must be done or the situation will just get worse—maybe everyone being required to wear all white at all times would be a good start. That would at least make it easier to detect who’s carrying bugs. I’m confident that my patience and vigilance is exceptional—I can’t imagine most people being as obsessively on top of managing a situation that could very well turn out to be Sisyphean.

When the guy in charge of the aforementioned laundry service dropped off my clothes two weeks ago, I expressed my paranoia to him. “I’m afraid this is going to happen again,” I said.

“It will happen again,” he countered. “It’s only a matter of time.”

Two months ago, I would have rolled my eyes at these words. Now I believe them so hard it hurts my scalp. This is why I am the way I am.

Illustration by Jim Cooke

Jeb Bush Vows Not to Give Greedy Black People "Free Stuff" 

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Jeb Bush Vows Not to Give Greedy Black People "Free Stuff" 

In response to a question from a white guy yesterday about how the Republicans planned to win more black votes, Jeb Bush said that it would not be by giving them “free stuff.” You’re doing great, Jeb!

http://gawker.com/the-republican...

The Republican party just seems to have a natural appeal to America’s black communities, and Jeb Bush is the latest Republican to continue that proud tradition. After a white guy at a South Carolina campaign event last night asked him how he planned to attract black voters, the Washington Post reports that Jeb replied: “Our message is one of hope and aspiration. It isn’t one of division and get in line and we’ll take care of you with free stuff. Our message is one that is uplifting — that says you can achieve earned success.”

Are you listening, black Americans? This is Jeb’s message. You have to work for everything in life and not be handed anything for free. If you need a role model, look to Jeb Bush, the son and brother of U.S. Presidents.

IMPORTANT: JEB’S MESSAGE IS NOT “WE’LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.” DO NOT MISTAKENLY ASSUME THAT YOU WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF.

When Jeb Bush was running for governor of Florida in the 90s, he answered the question of what he would do for black Floridians with the statement “Probably nothing.” He’s come a long way since then.

Vote Republican/ Republican 2016!

[Photo of three self-made men: AP]

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