This transcendent moment from last night's American Horror Story: Asylum features Jessica Lange's defrocked nun character Judy launching into a musical hallucination in which she performs Shirley Ellis' "The Name Game" after undergoing electroconvulsive therapy. This is the height of absurdity for a show that is positively obsessed with the concept of identity and the terrors of unknowing.

"Anal sex would release into the world these rare demonic entities that even in the body could be conceived this, um, devil, it would be given birth to anally, not physically it was more of a spiritual body." - Joseph Sciambra, who once had to have his sphincter stitched shut (it might still be stitched).

Now you know.

[via Queerty]

The parents of a first grader suspended from school for making a "gun gesture" at another student are hoping their lawyer can get the school to strike the incident from the boy's permanent record.

Roscoe R. Nix Elementary School in Silver Spring, Maryland, gave 6-year-old Rodney Lynch a one-day suspension last month after he was allegedly sent to the principal's office three times in a row for making a "gun gestures" — twice with a pair of scissors and once with his finger.

"What they're doing is looking at the worst possible interpretation of a young, naive 6-year-old," said Robin Ficker, the Lynch family's attorney. "This is a little child who can't form the intent to do anything like that."

The school disagrees.

"[He] threatened to shoot a student," Assistant Principal Renee Garraway wrote in a letter to Rodney's parents.

Garraway claims a guidance counselor asked Rodney to stop making shooting gestures. "Yet, after meeting with the counselor and assistant principal," the letter continues, "Rodney chose to point his finger at a female classmate and say 'Pow.'"

But to hear Rodney tell his side of the story, the "pow" was uttered by a friend — and he only pointed at the girl after she pointed at him.

"They could have called the mother in. They didn't do that," Ficker said. "Five years from now, when someone in to Montgomery County looks at his permanent record, they're going to see that he threatened to shoot another student."

[screengrab via ABC7]

This is why we can't have nice things anymore. Do you see that majestic beast? Well that's as close as you'll ever get to seeing a Javan rhino because now they're extinct (in Vietnam).

Researchers have officially concluded that a female Javan rhino, found dead in 2010, was the last of its kind in Vietnam. There are an estimated 35 of the species left in the entire world.

The Javan rhino is often poached for its horn, which is believed by many locals to have healing properties.This specific Javan rhino, the Lone Ranger of Cat Tien National Park, was likely shot in the leg, its horn removed, and left to die of septicemia.

Javan rhinos are gentle creatures slightly smaller than real rhinoceroses, standing just short of 6 feet tall. Their horns sell for more than $15,000 per pound on the Chinese black market. It has sharp lower incisors which it uses to fight, marks its territory with dung piles and urine spraying and will attack humans who come too close, stabbing them with its sharp teeth and oh my god nevermind. Monster. Kill it.

[Via Take Part // Image via Tumblr]

It is January 3, 2013. We are proud(?) to inform all of you that this website you are now reading (Gawker.com) is now ten years old. Double digits. Fuck.

As you all know, Gawker was founded in January of 2003. (Of course, it was already operating in December of 2002, and if you look hard enough you can dig up posts from way back in the summer of 2002, but we'll just say that was a "soft launch," and therefore does not count. Do you want to fuck up our anniversary party for us? Do you want us to return all of this champagne? Kidding—we have no champagne. Or cake, or cookies, or party favors, or a visible party of any sort. We did get some free sandwiches at lunch time today, however. Do you want to fuck that up for us?)

We couldn't have made it this far without all of the editors, and writers, and tech people, and ad people, and various support staff that went before us. And, especially, not without you, the readers, whose aggregate numbers allow our salespeople to turn your idle web browsing into enough dollars to pay us to sit here and type things all day. Truly, this collaborative effort proves that internet "blogs," once derided as mere time-wasting trifles containing the aimless ramblings of fools, are in fact time-wasting trifles containing the aimless ramblings of fools that can make a lot of money for Nick Denton.

We love you all very much. Please keep reading.

Welcome to Thatz Not Okay, a regular column in which I school inquiring readers on what is and is not okay. Please send your questions to caity.weaver@gawker.com with the subject "Thatz Not Okay."

Last Friday I woke up to find a large amount of blood smeared on the door of the bathroom. I was in a hurry so I didn't clean it, or say anything about it to my roommate. When I came home it was gone, so I figured my roommate had a bloody nose in the middle of the night and didn't realize. It wasn't until the next day I found blood in the living room; this grossed me out/intrigued me so I kept looking. This was some straight up CSI: Miami realness! Seven rooms had blood in them: the living room, dining room, kitchen, my roommate's bedroom, the bathroom, the laundry room, and our basement living room all had blood splatter. The laundry room and basement living rooms were the worst. There was blood everywhere, I mean everywhere, and a lot of it too. On stairs, on walls, in beer pong cups, on and in the washing machine, on the dryer, in and around a shower, on a toilet, on a couch, there was even the name of the girl my roommate has been doing painted on a wall in blood. I ended up cleaning this all up.

When my roommate came home, I asked him what the fuck this was all about, and he said that the girl he's seeing had cut her hand on some glass she broke when they were drunk. He seemed sorry, but there was never an explanation as to why she wrote her name on the wall in blood, why or how she got blood in seven rooms, or why in the three fucking days the house had been a literal bloody mess he hadn't cleaned more than the blood on the bathroom door. I was under the impression that he wasn't going to have this girl over anymore because she's seriously crazy, and probably dead, but she's over tonight, and seemingly alive.

Though I am curious as to why she left a blood trail through my house, I mostly think this girl is fucking bat shit scary. I want to tell my roommate that I don't want her visiting anymore. Is that okay?

Thatz not okay. None of this is okay? Are you real? Are you okay?

Right off the bat I'll note that, if the details you present here are true, you are very calm and collected around what are apparently vast quantities of blood. Consider opening a Manson-themed Bed & Breakfast in your giant-sounding house to capitalize on your unflappability.

Now, let's say first that you are a real person who experienced this and second, that someone's daughter/sister/best friend—I mean the chick that your friend is "doing"— did get blind drunk off appletinis and smash a crystal ball at your apartment. Her night of boozing could explain many of the most disturbing details of this story:

1. Blood everywhere: Alcohol thins the blood, which means you bleed more when you cut yourself after you've been drinking.
2. Name written in blood: "You know what could be cool? My name, written in blood." – a drunk person
3. Blood on top of the washing machine: "I'm going to wash my bloody clothes."
4. Blood inside the washing machine: "Actually, that would take too long. I'm going to put my bloody clothes back on now."

So the mystery here is not how the blood got to be from inside this little lady's skin-suit to all over your home, but why your roommate did not clean it up. He is both inconsiderate and possibly a murderer.

When a guest oozes bodily fluids in the home of another, the onus falls first to that guest and second (if the guest is incapacitated) to their host to clean up the mess. There is no reason why the blood should have been left to dry and crumble for three days, attracting all manner of shark and vampire to your property. And, why did your roommate clean the blood only off the bathroom door? That's the one place I would have left it, to ensure that the Angel of Death passed over your bathroom. Confront him about all of this.

(Note: It's possible that he didn't notice the excess blood; you said yourself that you didn't realize it was all over until Day 2. In that case, you should have brought the trail of horrors to his attention and asked that it be cleaned. He should have apologized profusely and cleaned it.)

It seems a little harsh to ban someone from your home because she was injured there. Apart from the writing her name on the wall in blood thing (which is bonkers and no way to get your security deposit back), it doesn't necessarily sound like the girl involved is too crazy. However, if she and your roommate keep reenacting that scene from The Shining on a weekly basis, ring the alarm and revise your guest policy.

Eating at work can be tough for some people. For me, I just want to be able to enjoy my lunch or snack without feeling like someone is analyzing my dietary choices. I currently work in a very nice office where we are provided breakfast each morning, and if someone's in the kitchen when I'm in there, I'm 400 times less likely to go for the bagel tray. Motivation!! Anyways—the girl who sits across from me at work (in great shape, but clearly with food issues of her own) will ask me what I'm eating almost every day because she can hear me crunching my salad or unwrapping my tuna wrap. I know she's only asking because then when I say "What about you?" she'll get to say something dickish like, "Oh, I'm skipping lunch today. I have a big fat weekend coming up." I HATE IT. Not only that, but every now and then if she can smell my lunch, she will say "Mmmmm what did you GET??" while WALKING OVER TO MY DESK TO PEER OVER MY CUBICLE INTO MY LUNCH AND WATCH ME EAT. Get out of my face and get out of my food!! I want to find a way to ask my coworker to keep her nose out of my lunch and keep it in her damn protein shakes-am I insane or is that okay?

Thatz not okay.

Ho-lee hell do you guys have food issues. Are you sure your workplace provides breakfast each morning as a treat? Because it sounds like they only do it to foster cunning and animosity among the employees. Give my love to everyone at Vogue.

Having said that, I empathize with your point about how eating food at work can be stressful.

My spot at Gawker HQ places me at a long table, squarely between Max Read and Adrian Chen. Look down at your right elbow. Now move your gaze two inches to the left. That is pretty much where Max Read sits in relation to my computer.

Shortly after I began working at Gawker, I decided it drove him CRAZY when I would eat. I felt like every lunch I had was composed of the loudest, messiest, most fragrant foods in the land; that my eating a sandwich was several orders of magnitude more distracting than him eating his bowl of oatmeal mush (or whatever he eats, I don't know, he eats dumb stuff). Max is having a room temperature glass of water and I'm slicing into a pie stuffed with four and twenty live blackbirds. Max is wiping his mouth with a napkin and I'm using a chainsaw to eat soup.

I would push my plate waaaay to the other side of my computer monitor, as far away from Max's line of vision as possible any time I had food. I would wolf down meals like Kobayashi so he wouldn't get annoyed that I was eating lunch(?). "I'm eating right now and it is driving Max Read CRAZY," I would gchat to friends, every single day.

Then, one morning: a miracle. Max Read IM'd to apologize to ME for always eating loudly. He said he "barely" noticed my eating. And that's when I realized: I have to get on Max Read's radar. He is not paying nearly enough attention to me and ALSO everyone is a total weirdo who thinks the world is obsessing about how and what they eat. NOT TRUE.

From where I'm sitting (across from your cubicle, watching you eat), your coworker is just making polite conversation. If she hears you unwrapping food, or twitches her nose as the air grows thick with the odor of tuna salad, that's not on her – that's on you. You are the one who is eating at work. She is the one who is working at work.

Here is a list of things it is rude to say to someone eating lunch:

• "Oh boy, fatty fatty tuna girl, eating another lunch!"
• "Oink oink, the chuck wagon's here!"
• "KILL YOURSELF."

Here is a list of things it is not rude to say:

• "Smells good!"
• "Mm, what did you get?"
• "I'm not hungry."

It's not "dickish" of your coworker to say she's skipping lunch because she's got a big fat Greek weekend coming up. It is, perhaps, an ill-advised dietary habit.

At the same time, it is weird if she's peering over your cubicle for an extended period of time to watch you eat, like a Dickensian orphan smudging her nose on bakery window glass. If she's doing that, will yourself to make unbroken eye contact with her while you chew, silently. This is a great way to get anyone to stop looking at you.

If that doesn't work, the next time she asks what you're having for lunch, tell her it's just a little leftover nunya.

Nunya-BIDNESS.

Submit your "Thatz Not Okay" questions here.

A hero can be anyone. It can be a fireman who runs back into a burning home to save a beloved childhood pet (toad). It can be a teacher who stays after school to help a student struggling with math. It can be a long Italian-style sandwich filled with a variety of meats, cheeses, and seasonings.

A hero can even be two unemployed people who make it their mission to go to Disneyland every day even though some days you just don't feel like going to Disneyland.

Two such heroes were recognized recently in Anaheim for their brave commitment to doing whatever.

Tonya Mickesh, 45, explained to the OC Register that she and Jeff Reitz, 40, first came up with the idea of visiting Disneyland every single day for a year "as a way to keep ourselves occupied because we didn't have jobs" – an interesting strategy when one is looking for work.

Armed with the annual passes they had received as gifts, the couple set out to prove that it really is a small world after all, particularly when your entire world is contained within the boundaries of the Disneyland theme park.

While the intrepid explorers started off strong, coordinating visits eventually became tricky. Mickesh landed a full-time second-shift job in April, which meant she could only go in the mornings. Reitz found work in September, further limiting their availability. Yet every day, come 80 degree weather, or 65 degree weather, light breeze, or mild breeze, they went.

Over the course of their yearlong journey, the duo learned many of the park's most intriguing secrets, like:

• the bathroom behind Big Thunder Ranch BBQ has hot water
• the cream-cheese pretzels sold out of carts are a good snack

On the couple's 366th straight day of Disney wonder, they were made honorary citizens of the Free Republic of Disneyland (this can technically happen to any visitor; you get a little gift certificate and a pin) and rewarded with a free night in the park's Dream Suite, located above the entrance to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in a fake version of New Orleans.

All told, the price of admission per day for the couple worked out to $1.77 per person, thanks to their annual passes.

The couple kicked off 2013 with a visit to the Disneyland theme park, a place they had never been.

[OC Register // Image via Getty]

In a blind item that popped up on Eater's radar this afternoon, a person claiming to be "known in and around NYC" for his "somewhat famous restaurant in the meatpacking district" and "several" Food Network specials offers up this noxious confession: "I farted on every single one of my 37 employees."

The unnamed "chef" proceeds to outline his flatulent exploits in odious detail.

His farting wasn't whimsical, he takes care to note — he was on a mission. "I had to fart on everyone that works for me, and write it all in a log book so that I can keep track," he writes.

There were rules, of course: The targets had to be aware of the fart; they had to be farted upon in alphabetical order; and "at least 80%" had to express revulsion at having been farted upon, otherwise the farting would continue.

It took some finagling — "some people I couldn't just directly fart on, like my accountant, shes a sweet girl" — but the mission was eventually accomplished, and the story, it seems, must now be told in full.

"I think I will post the story of every single persons very own and original fart on here every night for 37 nights," writes the epicurean eproctophile. "Some are really good ones, some are just farts, but I will let you be the judge."

Have you guessed who it is yet? If so, "come to my restaurant and tell the bartender this: "Mr. Bojangles and his two sidewinders sent me", he will give you a free drink, and a laugh."

[photo via Shutterstock]

Everyday that a new song by British duo Alunageorge surfaces, it is the song of the day. "Your Drums, Your Love" was one of 2012's very best, and these the R&B retro-futurists are among the most exciting people working within the genre on the planet. This thing just zooms. Thrilling.

[via Stereogum]

Last spring, horses everywhere neighed a sigh of relief when production was cancelled on HBO's horse-racing drama Luck, after three gambling-addicted horses died on set.

Now, the Hollywood Reporter writes that a new lawsuit is continuing to beat HBO over its dead horses, by alleging the number of steeds that died is actually closer to TEN THOUSAND. (The number of horses that the lawsuit claims died—four—is one closer to ten thousand).

In the lawsuit, filed against the American Humane Association and HBO, Barbara Casey, a former production director in the AHA's film-and-television unit, alleged that a horse named Hometrader died months before the show was canceled— and that the AHA and HBO worked to cover-up his death.

"AHA told its representatives not to document [Hometrader's] death because he was killed during a summer hiatus from filming and therefore did not count."

Casey also says that HBO went out of its way to "[misidentify] horses so that the humane officers and/or animal safety representatives could not track their medical histories."

Like they would point at a horse they knew was named "Majestic Chestnut" and be like, "that guy's Tom, we don't know how he broke his leg, he just moved here from Canada, probably had a glass leg or something, we've never seen him before."

Casey says she was unlawfully fired from the AHA (which, fun fact, owns a copyright on the "No animals were harmed in the making of this motion picture" disclaimer) for attempting to report its criminal activity.

In response to the lawsuit, HBO released a statement saying it "took every precaution to ensure that our horses were treated humanely and with the utmost care."

Yet many horses working as production assistants on the set of Girls continue to pull in slaves' wages. Curious.

[Hollywood Reporter // Image via Getty]

Returning to his Astoria, Oregon, home after a busy day of driving drunk, sideswiping cars, and fleeing the scene, 18-year-old Jacob Cox-Brown couldn't wait to let all his Facebook friends know what he'd been up to.

"Drivin drunk ... classsic ;) but to whoever's vehicle i hit i am sorry. :P" Jacob wrote on his Facebook page.

The status update was eventually forwarded by one of Jacob's friends to an Astoria police officer; another friend phoned the station and delivered the message to a sergeant.

The police had already been aware of a hit-and-run incident that occurred early Wednesday morning, and it was just a matter of matching the fragments from the crash site to Jacob's damaged car.

The teen was subsequently arrested and booked on two counts of failing to perform the duties of a driver.

"Astoria Police have an active social media presence," the department said in a statement. "It was a private Facebook message to one of our officers that got this case moving, though. When you post ... on Facebook, you have to figure that it is not going to stay private long."

[images via KGW]

Joe Biden, your slightly creepy yet enchanting uncle, welcomed a host of new (and returning) senators to the Capitol today, and boy, was he happy to be the center of attention. If you've ever wanted to understand the type of personality it takes to be a lifelong politician, please consult the above video of Biden's epic schmoozing, compiled by TPM. Joe Biden, everybody. What a professional.

Of course, Biden wasn't all just kisses and hugs and face rubs. He also said some really bizarre things while violating the personal space of various people:

"Spread your legs, you're gonna be frisked!" Biden quipped to the husband of freshman Sen. Heidi Heitkamp of North Dakota after photographers capturing the reenacted swearing in asked him to drop his hands for the photo.

I mean...

"If you need any help on your pecs, let me know," Biden told a rather-built guest of South Carolina Republican Tim Scott who was identified by the senator as a command sergeant major in the Army.

These are the types of casualties that are the result of the Joe Biden Experience. Imagine working with this guy every single day. Would you love it or want to jump off of a building? Are those mutually exclusive? Here are some bonus images of Joe Biden, Vice President of Unintentional Hilarity.

TIL this is how Joe Biden greets babies twitter.com/michaelhayes/s…

— Mike Hayes (@michaelhayes) January 3, 2013

Here's a photo I took of Joe Biden getting REALLY CLOSE to some lady's face twitter.com/eliotnelson/st…

— Eliot Nelson (@eliotnelson) January 3, 2013

[via TPM]

It's almost never a good thing for a stripper to make the news. The last 24 hours — which has seen strippers hospitalized, arrested and fired — has proven at least that much.

• In Cleveland, a 22-year-old stripper named Lauren Block — pictured above — is currently in critical condition after falling from a balcony at Christie's Cabaret. Block was dancing for a client when she attempted what police are calling a "jump-dance" move, sending her headfirst over a railing. Block reportedly suffered "massive head trauma." Hopefully she can make a full recovery.
• A South Florida (#Florida) stripper named Arlene Mena was likely pretty drunk, high or some combination thereof yesterday when she decided to do some "artwork." Mena was arrested after tossing a traffic cone and spitting at a motorist driving along A1A in Hallandale Beach. According to a witness, Mena said she was part of a television show (she was not), then that she's a federal agent (she is not) and then that she is friends with Hallandale Beach mayor Joy Cooper (she is not). Instead, she is out on $1,000 bond.
• In Atlanta, a male stripper named Corey John Capels was fired from Bliss Atlanta for hating gays and announcing so on his Facebook page. Imagine that. Capels called police to report damage to his Maserati that he suspected was done by one of the club's bartenders. After an incident with the club's manager as the two reviewed surveillance, Capels took to his Facebook to write "I hate all faggots burn in Hell" — clearly he's not a stripper trying to pay for college. In any event, Capels was fired.

So, if you ever decide to become a stripper — and if it means owning a Maserati, I'd at least consider it — make sure you at least manage to stay out of the news.

[photo via ABC News via Facebook]

The customer is always right — unless the customer is a person that wants to put ketchup on his Philly cheesesteak. Because, what the fuck? This is an indisputable fact backed up by sandwich artist Lawrence Ordone, pictured at left, who was fired from a Subway in Orange County, Fla. — side note: Florida!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! — after refusing to put ketchup on a cheesesteak ordered by Luis Martinez, pictured at right. Then Ordone kicked over a chair and tried to fight him.

Since the quotes from this story are so good, I'm just going to tell it oral history style (#longread).

"American cheese, onions and ketchup," said Martinez.

"He wants ketchup on the Philly cheese steak and I have never put — we don't even have ketchup at Subway — I've never put ketchup on anybody's sandwich," said Ordone.

NOTE: At this point, Ordone says Martinez starts "mouthing off."

"That's when I flew off the handle," said Ordone.

"He shoved a chair to the side, like knocked it down to come at me, and I said, 'This is going to be serious,'" said Martinez.

"I said, 'Let's go, fight me like a man,'" said Ordone.

"I was scared. Next thing, I'm thinking a gun's going to come out," said Martinez

"He threatened to kill me in front of my wife," said Martinez.

"There's ketchup three aisles down. You can go buy your own ketchup, and I promise to God, you can put as much as you want on it and nobody's going to say nothing," said Ordone.

Let's read that final quote one more time and let its glory wash over us.

"There's ketchup three aisles down. You can go buy your own ketchup, and I promise to God, you can put as much as you want on it and nobody's going to say nothing," said Ordone.

This is the type of action this country needs. If you see someone ordering ketchup on a cheesesteak, forget everything you know. Be a hero. A hero like Lawrence Ordone.

[story, image via WFTV, h/t Omar L.]

The fiscal cliff has been avoided, and here's the best news: it means the end of fiscal cliff parody accounts! Assuming you're sane, you weren't following any of these accounts, anyway. But let's roll the montage of "greatest hits" so we never forget how creatively empty and unfunny Twitter is at its worse.

@TheFiscalCliff: May 4, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

Hi everyone.Hope you're ready for me.

— Fiscal Cliff (@TheFiscalCliff) May 4, 2012

i got it RT @mcatwellons: @reformedbroker better snag that twitter handle asap.

— Fiscal Cliff (@TheFiscalCliff) October 12, 2012

@MrFiscalCliff: Nov. 7, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

I don't always wreak havoc on the U.S. economy, but when I do, I prefer it to be with the most partisan bickering possible. #FiscalCliff

— Fiscal Cliff (@MrFiscalCliff) November 9, 2012

Anyone know the weather forecast D.C. for this week?Can't decide whether or not to bring the raincoat.#FiscalCliffisComingtoTown

— Fiscal Cliff (@MrFiscalCliff) December 31, 2012

@TheFiscalCliff1: Nov. 7, 2012 - Jan, 1. 2013

I'm so excited for President Obama. He keeps printing money and make me bigger and more dangerous each passing year :)

— The Fiscal Cliff (@TheFiscalCliff1) December 7, 2012

Let's print more money to avoid this pesky #FiscalCliff. What could go wrong lol? Money is just paper people c'mon get with it! #tcot #p2

— The Fiscal Cliff (@TheFiscalCliff1) November 17, 2012

Susan Rice would make sure the #FiscalCliff would hit swiftly and powerfully, not just economically but militarily also :) #caring

— The Fiscal Cliff (@TheFiscalCliff1) November 14, 2012

@CliffFiscal: Nov. 7, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

The ladies say, "Oh Cliff, you are so big and bad.How could Congress ever hope to tame you?"And you know what?They're right.

— Tim Collins (@CliffFiscal) November 9, 2012

Cliff Fiscal says, "You may have drawn a line in the sand Mr. President, but it is MY beach."

— Tim Collins (@CliffFiscal) November 9, 2012

@FiscalCliffHuxt: Nov. 9, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

If congressional leaders and POTUS could just meet over some Jell O brand puddings, we'll solve this cliff issue no prob #fiscalcliff

— FiscalCliff Huxtable (@FiscalCliffHuxt) November 9, 2012

You know what will get congressional leaders to agree to a compromise? Bar B Que #FiscalCliff

— FiscalCliff Huxtable (@FiscalCliffHuxt) November 10, 2012

@overCliffFiscal: Nov. 10, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

Petratreus affair shoud fall under dont ask do tell in your bio about the affair

— Cliff Fiscal (@overCliffFiscal) November 10, 2012

Obama concedes that Romney is electorally bankrupt after the election.

— Cliff Fiscal (@overCliffFiscal) November 10, 2012

@RealFCliff: Nov. 12, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

I'm fiscal.. and you know it.

— Fiscal Cliff (@realFCliff) November 30, 2012

Got wingsuit?

— Fiscal Cliff (@realFCliff) December 28, 2012

Happy lose your job New Year!

— Fiscal Cliff (@realFCliff) January 1, 2013

@FisclClifClavin: Nov. 12, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

The Austrian School is actually a product of the barter economy used by its penal system expansion in the late 18th century

— FiscalCliff Clavin (@FisclClifClavin) November 12, 2012

@Clifford_Fiscal: Nov. 13, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

Hi I'm Clifford Fiscal, aka Fiscal Cliff. There has been a lot of chatter about me lately. Bottom line: I will crush economic growth in 2013

— Fiscal Cliff (@Clifford_Fiscal) November 13, 2012

#FiscalCliff - I will raise your taxes. I will I won't just raise your taxes, but I will stymie economic growth in 2013.

— Fiscal Cliff (@Clifford_Fiscal) November 13, 2012

@FiscallyCliff: Nov. 13, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

I just found 20 smackers back there in the pool room, & to celebrate my good fortune, I'm going to buy a round a drinks for all my friends!

— Fiscal Cliff (@FiscallyCliff) November 13, 2012

@Mr_Fiscal_Cliff: Nov. 14, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

It's a little known fact that the "Fiscal Cliff" was a term invented by the Peloponnesians during WWII.

— Cliff Fiscal (@Mr_Fiscal_Cliff) November 14, 2012

Little known fact: Ma makes great beans & rice. MT@davidgregory Senator Lindsey Graham will join me on MTP Sun.-more on Libya and Susan Rice

— Cliff Fiscal (@Mr_Fiscal_Cliff) November 14, 2012

@FiscalCliffCla1: Nov. 28, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

I'm tired of everybody complaining about how bad the economy is. I'm very fiscally fit. #fiscalcliff

— Fiscal Cliff (@FscalCliff) November 28, 2012

@FiCliffHuxtable: Nov. 29, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

#FiscalCliff could trigger recession?A zibbity zib zabity jello pudding!

— Fiscal Cliff Huxtble (@FiCliffHuxtable) November 30, 2012

Last time we hit the #fiscalCliff, Theo couldn't afford a new Gordon Gartrell shirt

— Fiscal Cliff Huxtble (@FiCliffHuxtable) November 30, 2012

@iamfiscalcliff: Nov. 29, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

Today Lindsay Lohan tried to drive off me. #fiscalcliff #lohan

— fiscal cliff (@iamfiscalcliff) November 30, 2012

I've got next weeks "homeland" somewhere on me #cliffhanger

— fiscal cliff (@iamfiscalcliff) November 30, 2012

@fiscalCee: Dec. 7, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

#FiscalCliffDrinkingGameWatch a newscast—drink when they say my name—"Fiscal Cliff". You'll be blind drunk in no time

— Cliff Fiscal (@fiscalCee) December 7, 2012

@danieltosh Fiscal Cliff here—just started tweeting. It's time I broke my silence. I'm not such a bad guy—can I get a RT?

— Cliff Fiscal (@fiscalCee) December 7, 2012

@FiscalCliph: Dec. 12, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

Man, people blame me for everything. I bet they'll tie me to Global Warming and apartheid before long.

— Fiscal Cliff (@FiscalCliph) December 12, 2012

Where are Thelma and Louise when I need them?Ladies, let's ride!

— Fiscal Cliff (@FiscalCliph) December 14, 2012

Money Nut Cheerios #ObamaBreakfastCereals

— Fiscal Cliff (@FiscalCliph) December 18, 2012

@fiscalcliffc: Dec. 15, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

Boehner is to White House as Gary's Old Towne Tavern was to Cheers.

— Fiscal Cliff Clavin (@fiscalcliffc) December 15, 2012

@FCliff2013: Dec. 28, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

I'm making my list and checking it twice. Fortunately, it's an easy one. It includes every man, woman, child, and everyone in-between.

— Fiscal Cliff (@FCliff2013) December 29, 2012

That sucking sound you're hearing is formerly known as your disposable income. It's mine now.

— Fiscal Cliff (@FCliff2013) December 31, 2012

@FiscalCliffJr: Dec. 28, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

Whoa there Obamer!I said I got your money, I just don't have it on me right now.#fiscalcliff

— Fiscal, Cliff (@FiscalCliffJr) December 29, 2012

Having my financial affairs made public is very embarrassing. I can explain some of those Asian website credit card charges in private.

— Fiscal, Cliff (@FiscalCliffJr) December 31, 2012

If everybody wakes up and half their money is gone don't look at me.

— Fiscal, Cliff (@FiscalCliffJr) December 31, 2012

@FsclCliffClavin: Dec. 31, 2012 - Jan. 1, 2013

#LittleKnownFact: Dee, ahh, current tax rates der, will be extentuated for all wage earners making below 400 grand...

— Fiscal Cliff Clavin (@FsclCliffClavin) January 1, 2013

Dat includes beeah drinkahs,postmen, and former ballplayers, der Sammy.

— Fiscal Cliff Clavin (@FsclCliffClavin) January 1, 2013

Towards the end of last year, two people were shoved onto subway tracks and killed in separate incidents. Tonight, two plainclothes NYPD cops were shot, a bystander was grazed by a bullet and a suspect was killed after opening fire at the Fort Hamilton Parkway subway stop in Brooklyn.

The officers, Luka Kazicki and Michael LaVay, had stopped the suspect on a train and exited with him at the Fort Hamilton Parkway stop in Dyker Heights after he was caught walking between subway cars, according to Mayor Michael Bloomberg at a press conference Thursday night. Both cops, assigned to the transit division, were in plain clothes.

The suspect acted as if he would comply but then pulled out a 9-mm Taurus and opened fire on the officers, Bloomberg said. LaVay was hit in the lower back and Kazicki was hit three times, at least once in each thigh. LaVay was able to return fire, killing the suspect.

One passenger was grazed in the gun battle and wasn't seriously hurt, said Police Commissioner Ray Kelly. Neither the train nor the platform was crowded at the time.

Kazicki and Lavay were taken to Lutheran Medical Center, where they are in stable condition.

This shooting came on the heels of another incident tonight, where an off-duty officer was shot in the Bronx during a robbery. So not only should you stay above ground, you probably should just stop going outside. Ever.

[via NBC New York, image via Getty]

Esquire and ESPN Magazine writer Chris Jones—winner of both a National Magazine Award (though not as many as he believes he deserves) and a Gawker Least Important Writers award—has long been known as that guy. That guy who, despite having one of the more enviable writing jobs in journalism, would wail about not winning an award. That guy who would launch soul-pained howls against the merest online insult. That guy whose Twitter bio said "I'm also a big fan of The Three B's: bacon, books, and bourbon"—until now.

Proving his ability to constantly flabbergast even the most jaded Chris Jones observer, Jones has now changed his Twitter bio to this: "I'm a writer for Esquire and the back-page columnist for ESPN The Magazine. Standing offer for shithearts: 10 rounds, 8-ounce gloves, no headgear."

Yes. He has ascended to one of the highest possible peaks of That Guyness: That guy who, after going to the gym for a while, will challenge strangers to fights in his Twitter bio. You have to tip your hat to him.

Of course, it goes without saying that Chris Jones has no concept whatsoever of the real implications of fighting a ten round boxing match with eight ounce gloves and no headgear, because if he did, he would be a professional boxer with a lengthy record of amateur bouts and four round bouts and six round bouts and eight round bouts leading up to his ten round bout challenge. And we definitely would have heard about that, if that was the case. He would also grasp just how dangerous and even life-threatening a ten round fight with eight ounce gloves and no headgear could be for even a seasoned fighter, much less for an Esquire writer. In fact, one could produce an exact graph showing that a person's likelihood to challenge strangers to a ten round fight with eight ounce gloves and no headgear declines in direct proportion to their understanding of how dangerous said fight could be. Though we joke around about Chris, we pray to god that no one takes him up on his offer, for his own sake.

I mean I would personally give Chris Jones $100 if he could even spar for ten rounds in full protective gear with someone of a friendly disposition without stopping due to exhaustion. (It would be a bargain compared to the average pay-per-view.)

Shithearts, beware.

[That Guy's Twitter]

Sheila and Dominic Traina of Staten Island were in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner when they suddenly spotted their New Dorp Beach home in an Allstate ad aimed at patting the insurer on the back for helping victims of Superstorm Sandy get back on their feet.

That might have been well and good, if not for one tiny hitch: The Trainas were in the process of suing Allstate for shortchanging them on the insurance payout.

Bolstered by the testimony of an eyewitness, the Trainas maintain that it was wind that knocked down their home of 43 years, well before floodwaters did any damage.

But Allstate blames flooding for the majority of the damage done, and since the Trainas were not covered for flood damage, the insurer would only fork over $10,000.

"It's an insult," Dominic told the Post. "Especially after we were advertised in their commercial. They're supposed to help you, not hurt you."

Allstate contends that it produced the ad "in accordance with all applicable advertising laws," and is committed "to settle claims fairly."

The Trainas, meanwhile, aren't waiting around for Allstate to do the right thing: They've hired a lawyer to help them argue their case in court.

[screengrab via Gothamist>]

Just as we all remember that famous AP photo of then President George W. Bush first hearing about the 9/11 attacks, so too will we remember this image of counterterrorism official John Brennan briefing President Obama on the details of last month's devastating Sandy Hook Elementary shooting. The photo was released yesterday via the official White House Flickr feed. Reads the picture's caption: "The President later said during a TV interview that this was the worst day of his Presidency."

An "intimate photo" of an 18 or 19-year-old Princess Di is being published for the first time after being put up for auction at a New Hampshire-based auction house.

The photo, owned for years by the Daily Mirror, was snapped in either 1979 or 1980 at a ski resort, and features "a young Diana lying in bed, with a young man seated behind her, and a bottle of Johnnie Walker sitting on the window sill."

Labeled a "salacious teenage image of the future princess," the photo also contains the words "not to be published" emblazoned on its front, possibly explaining how it never appeared in the Mirror, but not why.

The tabloid, which purchased the snapshot two days before Diana's engagement to Prince Charles in February 1981, eventually sold the 10 x 8" glossy news photo along with other archival photos to the Caren Archive, which in turn put it up for auction.

Because of its mysterious nature, the photo is expected to sell for well over $1,000 when bidding ends on January 24th.

UPDATE: Diana's "mystery man" has been identified as Adam Russell, "the great-grandson of former prime minister Stanley Baldwin, and now a deer farmer in Dorset."

The two were both injured during a skiing vacation and "kept each other company... but absolutely nothing happened."

[photo via RR Auction]