The Smithsonian has sent out a press release purporting to update the public on this week's escape of Rusty, a red panda (Ailurus fulgens), from a supposedly secure enclosure at the National Zoo. It is a masterpiece of tautology and obfuscation, designed to conceal the fact that the zookeepers have no idea how an animal with a sub-three-inch brain got away from them.

The key conclusion (emphasis in the original):

A multi-disciplinary team of Zoo experts, led by Animal Care staff, completed a thorough assessment of the Zoo’s red panda enclosure. The review included an inspection of the facility, an examination of recent photos of the enclosure with Rusty, and security footage. Based on that review Zoo staff conclude it is highly likely that Rusty left his enclosure during the night of Sunday, June 23 or early morning Monday, June 24 through the tree canopy in his exhibit.

It's "highly likely" that Rusty escaped through the tree canopy. But not certain. Possibly he picked the lock or dug a well concealed tunnel. Either way, they're pretty sure he left sometime during the night or early morning—that is, between the last time he was seen in his enclosure and the time his enclosure was found empty. That much, they know.

The report goes on to say that abundant rain in D.C. may have made the tree limbs and bamboo plants in and around the red panda exhibit sag and bend lower than usual, with the bamboo "effectively creating a bridge." And rain had promoted the growth of the vegetation in general. Smithsonian investigators: Rain makes plants grow.

But what do they know specifically about how this animal got out of his enclosure?

No red panda tracks were found outside of the red panda exhibit so the exact route of Rusty’s escape cannot be determined.

They do, however, offer this observation:

Black bamboo grown on Zoo grounds is a preferred plant species by red pandas and other animals. Animal Care staff surmise that Rusty would have been attracted to the nearby bamboo for a treat

Yes, let's focus on the urgent question of why a zoo animal might want to break out of captivity. With a clear understanding of Rusty's motives, we'll all be prepared for the next time he breaks out, however he does it.

[Photo via Getty]

Brandi Passante, one of the professional trash pickers on the A&E faux-reality competition Storage Wars, sued our old pal Hunter Moore last fall after he posted a nude video online of a woman he claimed was the reality star. A California judge finally ruled on the suit after Moore defaulted, awarding the reality star. . . a whopping $750.

Moore, who earlier this year lost $250,000 in another legal assault from Bullyville's James McGibney, published the video last fall. On October 26, 2012, Passante filed a formal complaint, which coincidentally included this 2011 Gawker piece about the revenge pornographer as Exhibit B, demanding to have the defamatory video removed. That eventually happened, but along the way, the West Coast Court had to issue Moore a bench warrant and he famously responded to Passante's lawyer with an emailed dick pic.

In the suit, Passante, who's (common-law?) married to her onscreen rummaging partner, walking goatee Jarrod Schulz, claimed that the video's mistaken identity caused her "anxiety, loss of sleep, and physical illness." The damages she'd suffered were "incalculable," but in the absence of an incalculable sum, she'd be willing to accept $2.5 million.

After Moore defaulted on the suit, Judge James Selna decided that although the Cable TV personality "has established liability, she has failed to establish entitlement to damages she seeks," and estimated her "incalculable" damages at $750.

Moore's only comment on the matter:

[Brandi Passante photo via Getty Images, Hunter Moore's redacted dick via public record]

To contact the author of this post, write camille@gawker.com.

In an interview with CNN on the eve of The Carter Center's upcoming human rights forum, former president Jimmy Carter took the opportunity to weigh in about his dear old friend, celebrity racist Paula Deen.

I advised her to let the dust settle and to make apologies. And she has some very beneficial human programs in Savannah, Georgia, where she lives...I advised her to get some of those people who she's helping every day to speak out and show that she has changed in her relationship with African-American people, with minorities in the last number of years...

Paula herself told us there were people out there who knew her well and would come to her defense (i.e. insane Facebook commenters). But former Prez Carter? Well I'll be.

Carter added, "my heart goes out to her, but of course there's no condoning the use of a word that abuses other people."

Move over, Facebook— researchers say that monkeys have their own form of "social networks!" And look how stupid monkeys are.

For months now, a coalition of community and labor activists have been pushing for the (perhaps impossible) dream of unionizing fast food workers in New York City, or at least getting them a living wage. Yesterday, some of those fast food workers pleaded their case to the City Council. Here's something worth remembering before your evening KFC.

Many fast food workers in one of the most expensive cities in the world are still paid minimum wage. The refrain of picketing fast food workers in the city has been, "We can't survive on $7.25!" What kind of life do we offer to the person who rings us up at McDonald's, full time?

The economic reality for the city’s fast-food workers is bleak. According to the advocacy group New York Communities for Change, fast-food workers in the city make on average between $10,000 and $18,000 a year, well below the Census Bureau’s poverty income threshold level of about $23,000 for a family of four.

Even in the average city, workers making that little are spending the majority of their income on rent. In a city like New York, that's little more than a sentence to a lifelong struggle.

[NYT. Photo: FB]

We all do it. We're driving around, and we see, say a Facel-Vega and we think: "Typical. I bet that's another licorice-chewing, harp-playing Dutchman in a Facel-Vega," and sometimes we're right. There are stereotypes for so many types of car owners that come up again and again, so we thought we should make a chart.

Now, we didn't want to just make a chart of common stereotypes – lots of them are getting pretty stale, and some are just offensive for no good reason. So we decided to see about updating them to make a bit more sense for our shiny, modern world. So, here's your chart of revised stereotypes you can try out! I'm not saying all are perfect, and we certainly didn't get them all, but it's a start.

I'm pretty sure you'll have some ideas on this, so, you know, have at it.

"Maakies" cartoonist Tony Millionaire, or his cartoon alter ego Drinky Crow, has delivered a vivid and much needed denunciation of the gristle-laced food-engineering debacle known as the "drumstick," one of the worst popular items of food, and one of the least appealing offerings from the generally delicious carcass of a chicken.

So many other parts of the chicken are more pleasing and user-friendly—even the gristly parts, so long as they are honest (unlike the drumstick) about their gristly nature. Here is where the drumstick falls in the "pecking order," as it were.

1. The thigh

2. The "pope's nose"

3. The wing

4. The oyster

5. The breast (on the bone)

6. The liver

7. The foot

8. The back

9. The heart

10. The drumstick

11. The neck

12. The gizzard

13. The "boneless breast"

Tony Millionaire's latest "Maakies" collection, Green Eggs and Maakies, is being published next week, and is available for pre-order.

[Illustration by Jim Cooke]

Which part is the "finger."

Here's the trailer for Larry David's upcoming HBO movie, Clear History. Basically, Larry David's character has a crazy frizzed-out hair-beard combo. He works for Jon Hamm who is sporting a suit, also so wild. Anyways, David's character quits because he thinks Hamm's character is dumb and then he loses out on millions and Hamm is rich and happy and married to Kate Hudson. After a decade of bitterness, David's character launches a madcap revenge plot.

Director Greg Mottola (Superbad), says much of it was improvised, though it was partially inspired by a story of a jilted employee in Walter Isaacson’s Steve Jobs biography. Bill Hader, Amy Ryan, Eva Mendes, JB Smoove, Michael Keaton, and Danny McBride are also around!

Here, Former Representative Frank walks us through the symbology of his recently unveiled portrait. Below is a list of objects that he points out:

• The Harpoon (New Bedford, MA)
• The Dodd-Frank Financial Regulatory Reform Bill
• A Congressional Directory from his first year in Congress (1981)—There is also a directory from his last year in Congress (2013) that he does not mention
• The tie designed by Baruch Shemtov for Barney and Jim's wedding
• Two flags (including the rainbow flag)
• Congressman Frank's wedding ring
• Newspapers on his desk

Welcome to Annotate This, where we gather reviews, trailers, and annotate the posters for movies coming out this week. It will help you decide what to avoid, what to see, and what to pretend to see. Click on the image above to add your comments to the mix.

White House Down

In this Roland Emmerich explosion-fest, Channing Tatum is a handsome police officer and Jamie Foxx is the president. They team up when a paramilitary group seizes the White House. Don't worry if you need an emotional tie to connect to this $150 million detonation extravaganza—Tatum's daughter is in the White House and she's snippy at him because he missed her talent show so this lets him prove that he is a reliable protector. Also Maggie Gyllenhaal! Though one reviewer read it as "the most sharply observed spoof comedy since Team America," Emmerich told GQ, he's really picky and intentional about what he blows up—"I’m not Roland the Destroyer. For me, it has to be a symbol of something."

The Heat

The second feature film from Bridesmaids director Paul Feig with a script from Parks and Recreation writer Katie Dippold, The Heat is an excuse for Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock to try out their best Boston accents. And it's a female-twist on the buddy-cop genre ("bosom-buddy cops" "get it" "they have boobs" "but they're also cops"). It's a little slow, though memorably ludicrous.

A Band Called Death

Mark Covino and Jeff Howlett's documentary about a protopunk band called Death, is a thorough tribute to visionaries ahead of their time. The documentary is a little slow, but the music is fast, and the story fantastic. My review here.

Byzantium

The director of Interview with the Vampire, Neil Jordan, returns with a film about a mother-daughter blood-sucking duo played by Gemma Arterton and the otherworldly Saorsie Ronan. It's lethargic and uninspired, mostly "gloomy, Rice-indebted schlock," but has cerebral moments of magnificence.

I'm So Excited!

Pedro Almodovar has set his latest romantic sex romp on an airplane. It's fun, but also claustrophobic. For being contained in a teeny place, it's also an amazing mess. Because it's Almodovar, and this is his thing, everyone is sleeping with everyone!

Redemption

Written and directed by Steven Knight, Redemption stars Jason Statham as a homeless veteran in London, who is now taking charge of his life. One reviewer says it chooses brains over brawn, another said it's a brainless, brawny thriller, so who knows what to think? Oh but everyone agrees that Statham has charisma, just not the same kind of charisma (street-tough charisma, broody charisma, sheer charisma).

Some Girl(s)

Based on a Neil LaBute play, Some Girl(s) is in full LaBute territory—secret sex lives/lies, with a twist! Adam Brody plays a narcissistic cad (well!) who is visiting a litany of his exes. It's like that part from High Fidelity, complete with a Catherine Zeta-Jones impersonation. Daisy Von Scherler Mayer, of 1995's Party Girl notability, directs—but sadly no one is wearing amazing, super colorful clothes. P.S. Brilliant LaBute description as M. Night Shyamalan of sexual warfare cinema.

How to Make Money Selling Drugs

From director Matthew Cooke and producer Adrian Grenier, How to Make Money Selling Drugs might be the shallowest film of the year. It's structured as part faux-educational about the business of dealing illicit drugs, and part screed against the War on Drugs. It's glib and preachy, overly-facetious with a relentless voice-over and random celebrity interviews (Susan Sarandon, Woody Harrelson).

Laurence Anyways

Xavier Dolan's gripping, tumultuous melodrama spans the late 80s and 90s and depicts the relationship between a teacher and his fiance, when he decides he wants to become a woman.

The Secret Disco Revolution

This is an odd documentary about a great subject: disco's influence on sexual, racial, gender politics. It's fun and a little smart, with some great interview subjects like Gloria Gaynor, the Village People, and Thelma Houston. If you're interested, dig into Hot Stuff by Alice Echols, who is also interviewed in the documentary.

Petunia

Petunia begins at an awkward wedding, which sets the stage for the awkward tone and awkward pacing. It's about sex addiction, family dysfunction, and therapy—it manages to cover each of these potentially rich subjects with relative immaturity, though the movie does boast some good performances.

To contact the author of this post, please email maggie@gawker.com.

According to the City of Los Angeles Department of Transportation, there are nine franchise taxi operators in the city who operate “more than 2300 taxis.” What they don’t point out on the website is that these 2300 taxis are magic and invisible. They supposedly exist, but they’re hiding somewhere in plain sight, probably with that stockpile of nice, tall, well-adjusted, employed, and single men in LA.

Someone should do something about this, right?

Totally! Enter Uber, Lyft, and Sidecar, tech startups looking to address these transportation shortages in big cities. These popular “ridesharing” companies use apps to match up needy passengers with nonprofessional drivers quickly and cheaply. They’ve been gaining popularity in recent months, especially in Los Angeles where complaints about cab availability and cab drivers are commonly heard while people drunkenly walk to their cars to drive home.

So we could stop drunk driving and support ridesharing? This sounds like a total win-win for everyone.

Not according to the cease-and-desist letter sent Monday to the companies and Tuesday’s cab driver protest at City Hall. Citing a lack of “permits or license to transport passengers for hire,” all three companies have been ordered to “cease and desist from picking up passengers in Los Angeles.”

Should I just go ahead and delete my apps then?

Nope. Both Lyft and Uber told LA Weekly that they will continue running. Co-founder of Lyft, John Zimmer, explains, “Our understanding is that we have this legal operating agreement for the entire state of California” as made clear in the California Public Utilities Commission Operating Agreement with Uber.

And their social media presence confirms that they're defying the order: Uber is still here, Lyft will “continue as usual,” and Sidecar wants you to ignore everything and meet Nick, your LA driver and surf instructor.

But by violating the order, Thomas Drischler, Los Angeles Taxicab Adminstrator, says Lyft, Uber, and Sidecar can “look forward to having their drivers arrested,” citing Lyft’s pink mustaches as an obvious way to track down and arrest drivers.

But those Lyft mustaches really are the worst though, right?

Totally. I think we can all agree they’re the fucking worst. Why, Lyft, why?

According to Lyft co-founder John Zimmer’s AMA on reddit earlier this week, he says the mustaches are there to “start each Lyft experience with a bit of delight and joy” and “to create physical virality through word of mouth.”

So the mustaches aren’t just lame, they’re physically viral? Perhaps we should all take a step back from this situation and send a cease-and-desist letter (filled with delight and joy) to the Lyft creative team, making clear that mustaches help no one’s cause.

Mustaches aside, I love these things: is there anything I can do to help?

There’s a petition circulating that outlines the problems with the “broken” taxi system:

Cabs in LA are expensive and often late, cab drivers are rude and drive erratically endangering pedestrians, other drivers and passengers alike, and payment options are limited as most cab drivers refuse to accept credit cards.

The movement is gaining momentum as political juggernauts Samantha Ronson, Pete Yorn, and Jaleel “cease & desist my ass” White are speaking out in support of the companies. Yes, Urkel is on your side! Like you, he understands the indignities of walking around downtown LA at night, drunk, alone, and crying, wondering how you’ll ever get home and oh God why did I move to this fucking town in the first place?

I feel like they're taking away everything I love. First they came for Lyft. What’s next: the unlicensed bacon-wrapped hot dog vendors?

No fucking way. As California has recently passed AB 1252, a bill that legally defines what a hot dog can be, it’s clear lawmakers are currently on the hot dog’s side.

Art by Sam Woolley.

Cameron D'Ambrosio spent more than 30 days in jail for a Facebook post. On May 1, the high-school senior from Methuen, Massachusetts was playing hooky when he posted rap lyrics that referenced the Boston Marathon bombing and called the White House a "federal house of horror." His school contacted the local cops, who arrested the kid and charged him with "terroristic threats," a felony punishable for up to 20 years in prison.

Sound familiar?

And then, a judge set his bail at one million dollars for posting rap lyrics on Facebook.

It was only after D'Ambrosio spent more than 30 days in jail and had been denied a bail request that a Grand Jury declined to indict D’Ambrosio and the teenager was finally released. Prosecutors said they'd planned to drop the case against him; this officially happened yesterday morning. Cammy Dee is now at liberty to record himself rhyming "haters" and "alligator" as much as he likes.

"I’m glad to finally be free," said D’Ambrosio in a statement from the Center for Rights, the Massachusetts-based nonprofit that helped Cameron's case go viral through the campaign FreeCameron.org. "I think a lot of good will come out of this."

To contact the author of this post, email camille@gawker.com.

Catherine Kieu, the California woman who cut off her husband's penis and put it in a garbage disposal, was today sentenced to life in prison with the possibility of parole. She can begin seeking parole in seven years.

Put your righteous indignation on ice. The rap video circulating around the Internet—purportedly put out by Bernie Madoff's nephew—is just some kid on Long Island trying to get famous by invoking a villain that defrauded investors out of billions.

And it's sort of working!

Reached by phone at a 516 number, Stuart “Triple” Madoff evaded questions about whether he was related to the Bernie Madoff. "Yeah, you know, I just can’t really talk about my family ties," he mumbled to Gawker. "Uncle, you know, it's kind of a loose term, it's like you might call your dad's friend an uncle. Or Snoop Dog will be, like, 'oh my nephew.'" Sure.

Stuart's video, entitled “In God’s Hands (Free Uncle Bernie)," is filmed on a deck and boat in what appears to be Long Island and contains lyrical somersaults like, "All the money from my dreams/Sit there while I plot another Ponzi scheme."

The 18-year-old amateur rapper said Joey Madoff, who is also featured in the video, is his 17-year-old "blood brother." They live in New York, although Joey is currently at sleepaway camp. "But that’s about the extent of the information that I can reveal at this point," Stuart added.

Stuart does not see any reason for the victims of Bernie Madoff's fraudulent schemes to be offended by his video. "I wouldn’t say mocking more paying hommage," he said.

"I would say it’s entertainment," he explained. "If I watch a movie. If I watch Scarface, it's a lot of violence. But I'm able to separate the reality. I'm not going to go around killing people."

The aspiring rapper was also evasive when we asked where he got the funds to film his musical debut. "I don’t talk money. After all that, I can't talk about money. After that whole scandal. I really can't talk about all the bread."

He was less shy about rhyming Madoff with Adolf, as you can see in the Director's Cut.

To contact the author of this post, please email nitasha@gawker.com.

[Video via YouTube]

More bad news for the dairy queen: Random House just announced it will not print Paula Deen's upcoming book, Paula Deen’s New Testament: 250 Favorite Recipes, All Lightened Up. Following a flood of pre-orders in the wake of Deen's deposition scandal, the book soared to #1 on Amazon.

Great news, dear readers! We're finally changing the awful title of our weekly hate mail repository. This series heretofore known as Tail of Mears will now be called, "Our Far-Flung Correspondence." So keep flinging that poop at us, and we'll keep publishing it.

This week someone was mad that "Jesus Christ" introduced a Paula Deen story. Then we had Monsieur Anatomical Confusion writing again. His favorite word is definitely "provoking." Read his latest submission, along with our other correspondence, below:

Yes, "Jesus Christ" is by far the most offensive of the words involved in this Paula Deen story.

Subject: Your article

Body: Why would you start your article about Paula Deen with "Jesus Christ"??? Have you no brains??? Your statement is offensive and you should think before you put things out there... Pitiful Caity :(

So there!

Subject: Go fuck yourself, asshole

Body: Hey you fucking prick son of a bitch, no one likes your stupid articles about economy and shit like that. Yups, enjoy the truth! Everybody think you are a fucking lame bastard who go queering in the closet with sodomites, robbing each others penises and creaming. I do not like your alligator photo, it make me bunt and it is so provoking. Use a human photo or go fuck off. So there!

Of course, you recognize this brilliant use of language from three weeks ago. Yes, it's from the same email address as the man who wrote this gem, reprinted below, because it's as bananas as it is brief:

SUBJECT: Hey asshole

BODY: Go fuck yourself, sodomite. Go queering in the closet. Go eat the pee from a dick. It is so provoking.

Why would you trust us with this?

Subject: wanna host an international student?

Body: Hi there:

I am so sorry to bother you. I was writing to inquire if you would be interested in hosting an international student for the 2013-2014 academic school years.

Our organization is a non-profit organization designated by the State Department to be engaged in exchange programs. Our students range from 15-18 years old and come from the following countries: Brazil, China, Denmark, Germany, Korea, Spain, Taiwan, and Thailand. Students will have their own health insurance and spending money. All of our students have undergone personal interviews, standardized English testing, and maintain good grades in their native countries.

If this sounds like something you would be interested in doing, please e-mail me or visit our website.

If you also know of anyone who would be interested in hosting, please forward this e-mail to them.

Thank you for your time!

Sincerely,

Best Regards

That's all in our monkey shit correspondence this week! Have a fantastic weekend and welcome to July.

To contact the author of this post, please email maggie@gawker.com. Art by Jim Cooke.

Let the nuptials commence: The U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals just formally lifted its stay on gay marriage, opening the door for thousands of same-sex couples in California to get hitched.

This development comes two days after the Supreme Court declined to hear a challenge to a 2010 ruling that Prop 8, California's gay marriage ban, was unconstitutional. The hold on gay marriages was in place while Prop 8 made its way through the courts, but now it's over, and the weddings have already begun.

Kris Perry and Sandra Stier, two of the plaintiffs who contested Prop 8, are currently getting married at San Francisco City Hall amid a wave of friends and supporters, including Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black and California Attorney General Kamala Harris.

At San Francisco City Hall with Chris and Sandy. It's happening! http://t.co/ASDU0xUkVQ

— Dustin Lance Black (@DLanceBlack) June 28, 2013

On my way to S.F. City Hall. Let the wedding bells ring! #Prop8

— Kamala Harris (@KamalaHarris) June 28, 2013

Update: Perry and Stier's first kiss as a married couple:

[Image via AP]

A 21-year-old Kenyon college student was stabbed to death Friday in Alexandria during a violent confrontation between supporters and opponents of Egyptian President Mohamed Morsi.

According to a statement released by the college, Andrew Pochter, who was going to enter his junior year this fall, had been spending his summer working at AMIDEAST, "an American non-profit organization engaged in international education, training and development activities." He was stabbed by a protester outside the headquarters of the Muslim Brotherhood, which had been set on fire.

In a statement released through a Facebook tribute page, his family wrote about their son's life and death:

"Our beloved 21 year old son and brother Andrew Driscoll Pochter went to Alexandria for the summer, to teach English to 7 and 8 year old Egyptian children and to improve his Arabic. He was looking forward to returning to Kenyon College for his junior year and to spending his spring semester in Jordan. As we understand it, he was witnessing the protest as a bystander and was stabbed by a protester. He went to Egypt because he cared profoundly about the Middle East, and he planned to live and work there in the pursuit of peace and understanding."

Mr. Pochter, of Chevy Chase, Md., had been active in Kenyon's Hillel community, and had traveled to Morocco in 2011. While there, he wrote an article for Al Arabiya News about the potential for the then-nascent Arab Spring and the profound effect it would have on the region.

The United States embassy in Egypt issued a travel warning yesterday for all Americans "to defer non-essential travel to Egypt at this time due to the continuing possibility of political and social unrest." Two other people were killed in Friday's protest, which was part of a buildup towards massive nationwide rallies on Sunday aimed at unseating President Morsi.

[Facebook]

President Obama met privately with the family of Nelson Mandela today, spending a half-hour with the kin of the ailing former South African leader. The president did not meet with Mandela himself, who remains in critical condition with a chronic lung infection.