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Spanish Zookeepers Accidentally Get Chimp Hooked on Human Porn

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Spanish Zookeepers Accidentally Get Chimp Hooked on Human Porn

When employees at Spain's Seville Zoo installed a TV inside the chimpanzee enclosure, they thought they were providing its inhabitants with mental stimulation.

At least they got the stimulation part right.

According to primatologist Pablo Herreros, one of zoo's chimps, Gina, became particularly enamored of the pastime more often associated with a different species of primates for a very human reason: She was addicted to "Homo"-sexual porn.

"The surprise was when they found that within a few days, Gina was not only using the remote control perfectly well, but that she also used to choose the porn channel for entertainment, as many of us would have done," Herreros wrote in his column for El Mundo.

He went on to note that "many animals do masturbate," and that non-human primates are known to possess the same "intense sexual life" as their human counterparts.

[photo unrelated via AP]


Find All Humans on Earth Who Like Trail Running with Facebook's New Magic Search Engine

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Find All Humans on Earth Who Like Trail Running with Facebook's New Magic Search EngineWe've all been there: It's a Tuesday morning and you've got a hankering for some trail running. But your wilderness survival class taught you never to trail run alone. What do you do? With Facebook's new search engine, you can instantly use your computer to search for anyone on earth who likes trail running. (You can also find other things. But why would you want to?)

Since the beginning of time, humans have wanted to find other humans to go trail running with them. But they were mostly SOL. The only way to find a trail running companion was to physically hike onto a trail, trip someone who was running on it with a tripwire, kidnap them, tie them up in your basement and blast AC/DC at them 24/7 from massive speakers until they got disoriented enough to agree to go trail running with you.

Facebook's new graph search, unveiled today before hundreds of tech reporters at their Menlo Park headquarters, aims to change all this. Be sure to check out the video to the left. (Menlo Park is, of course, known for its trail running.) Graph search mines Facebook's massive database of interests, people, photos and places, and replaces the old busted search function of Facebook which was pretty much useless if you were looking for someone to traipse along a rugged wilderness path. In fact, I just typed "trail running" into Facebook's old search bar and it brought me to a generic page that explained "Trail running is a sport which consists of running and hiking over trails." No crap, sherlock—this is why it's awesome.

You can use graph search in four main areas of Facebook, according to CNN: People, photos, places and interests. Here are just a few of the questions Facebook graph search can answer

  • Which of my friends who live in my area like trail running?
  • Can you find pictures of me trail running in 2010?
  • What restaurants do people who like trail running also like?
  • Are there any people on earth named T. Rail Running? Because that would be hilarious.
  • There are some sensitive privacy issues, of course. Luckily Facebook Graph Search is "privacy-aware" which means if you haven't come out to your friends and family as an avid trail runner, your status won't show up in Graph Searches. With Facebook Graph Search, the age-old dream of all of humanity networked together into a giant global brain, operating giant global legs, running along the trail of the Universe to a tripped-out soundtrack of Sigur Ros, is that much closer.

Another School Shooting Reported as President Obama Prepares to Unveil Gun Control Proposals (UPDATE: And Another School Shooting)

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Another School Shooting Reported as President Obama Prepares to Unveil Gun Control Proposals (UPDATE: And Another School Shooting)

Police in St. Louis say a part-time student entered the Stevens Institute of Business & Arts this afternoon and promptly shot a longtime administrator in the chest before turning the handgun on himself.

The victim, in his 40s, is said to be one of the college's financial advisors.

St. Louis Police Chief Sam Dotson would not release the name of the suspect, but said he was a 21-year-old male who had been a student at the school off and on for the past four years.

"The victim and the shooter were familiar with each other," Dotson told reporters. "They knew each other. This did not appear to be random. It appeared to be targeted."

The two were rushed to a nearby hospital, where they are undergoing surgery.

Siba, which offers degrees in a variety of areas including business administration, tourism, fashion, and interior design, currently has about 180 students. Today was the school's first day of classes, and some 40 to 50 people were in the building at the time.

Meanwhile, President Obama and Vice President Biden were expected to unveil their list of gun control proposals tomorrow morning, according to White House spokesman Jay Carney.

"There are specific legislative actions that he will continue to call on Congress to take, including the assault weapons ban, including a measure to ban high-capacity magazine clips, including an effort to close the very big loopholes in the background check system in our country," Carney said at today's press briefing.

A few of the measures, which were spurred by last month's shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary, may be enacted through executive action without congressional approval, Carney added.

The move has angered some on the right, including Fox News, whose use of an assassination-evoking graphic was rendered quadruply boneheaded beneath a breaking news banner reporting on yet another school shooting.

Another School Shooting Reported as President Obama Prepares to Unveil Gun Control Proposals (UPDATE: And Another School Shooting)

UPDATE: A shooting at Hazard Community & Technical College in Hazard, Kentucky this evening has reportedly left two dead and one person critically injured.

Two suspects are said to be in police custody.

[photo via AP, screengrab via Wonkette]

Jessica Simpson to Star in NBC Comedy Based on the Life of Jessica Simpson: But Why?

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Jessica Simpson to Star in NBC Comedy Based on the Life of Jessica Simpson: But Why?Buoyed by the mostly negative reception of Jessica Simpson's 2006 feature film, Employee of the Month, NBC has just revealed it is developing a scripted comedy based on her hilarious life.

It seems pretty obvious what happened here, right?

"You can't write this stuff!" Jessica Simpson would giggle with her assistant, realizing she had picked up Honeycrisp apples instead of Fuji apples at the grocery store by mistake.

"I cannot believe my life sometimes," Jessica Simpson would sigh at her fiancé, after pulling a turtleneck over her head and realizing the tag was in the front.

"My life is like a TV show!" Jessica Simpson would yell to no one in the cavernous living room of her "Spanish-style" mansion, after realizing the eyeglasses had been on her head the whole time.

And then, one day it happened. Jessica Simpson's life, which had already been a TV show, became another TV show. A scripted TV show.

The Hollywood Reporter notes that the script will be written Nick Bakay, who helped pen Paul Blart: Mall Cop, a documentary which received accolades for its unflinching examination of the logistics of modern mall security.

In a statement that seems designed specifically to elicit a "?!?!??" reaction from its audience, Ben Silverman (founder of Electus, the company producing the show, and former NBC chairman) described Simpson as "truly a modern-day Lucy with incredible comedic chops."

In 2004, ABC filmed a pilot for a scripted comedy called Jessica, which starred Simpson as a pop-star who became a TV news anchor. The network ultimately passed on the series, probably because it was TOO GOOD for television.

Simpson is currently pregnant with her nth child.

[The Hollywood Reporter // Image via AP]

Here Is Footage of Selena Gomez Drunk at a Golden Globes After Party

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Like everybody else in Hollywood, Disney Channel alum Selena Gomez was trashed after Sunday's Golden Globes ceremony. Watch above as Justin Bieber's 20-year-old ex wobbles and slurs gushing praise for the show (which was great on weed, too, according to...uh...one of two of us who led Gawker's Liveblog of the ceremony). "It was a good moment for me," she says of Jennifer Lawrence winning Best Actress Musical/Comedy for Silver Linings Playbook. She clarifies, "I don't even know her, but I think she's so cool." Oh.

I feel like this is a good moment for me, as this person I never cared too much about is one of my favorite people now that I have seen her drunk. It's kind of like when you have a sex dream about a person that you thought little of prior and then can't stop thinking about that person. You know?

This wasn't the first time Gomez was spotted supposedly drunk in public, and it sure as hell won't be her last.

[via Screen Slam/ONTD]

Tony Danza Says the Flu Made Him Puke on a Plane; His Seatmate Kate Upton Says He Was Hungover

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Tony Danza Says the Flu Made Him Puke on a Plane; His Seatmate Kate Upton Says He Was Hungover

The New York Post's Page Six reported today that Tony Danza "freaked out several passengers" in First Class during a weekend flight from New York to Los Angeles after he suddenly yaxied his guts into an air sickness bag.

The Post's source says Danza told his fellow air travelers he caught the flu "from his grandson or something," but Kate Upton, who was seated near Danza, refutes that claim.

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Rookie of the Year, who was allegedly one of the few still in their original seat after seeing Danza lose the toss, tweeted that Danza appeared hungover.

"I just found out [IMG Models Manager Lisa Benson] has a phobia of throw up," Upton told her 675k followers. "I don't want to laugh but it is kind of funny the guy next to her is hungover."

That Upton doesn't seem to know who Danza is can be forgiven: After all she was born two months after Who's the Boss? went off the air.

Yeah — you're that old.

[H/T: Warming Glow]

Behind the 'Sandy Hook Truther' Conspiracy Video That Five Million People Have Watched in One Week

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"This is a simple, logical video," the text on the screen reads. "No aliens, holigrams, rituals or anything like that, just facts." (All sic.) There's some light piano (from Guns 'n Roses' "Estranged") playing in the background. "New information comes up every single days, so by the time you see this video there may be a lot more evidence that has come to light." In a few seconds, the guitar solo kicks in.

You're watching "The Sandy Hook Shooting - Fully Exposed," the most comprehensive summary of the bizarre "Sandy Hook Truther" movement you can find on the internet. It's also the most popular: in the seven days since it was posted, it's racked up 5.5 million hits. "I... honestly would have spent more time on it if I had known it would explode," the guy who created the video told me.

It only took a few days after Adam Lanza opened fire inside Sandy Hook Elementary School for conspiracy theories to pop up on the internet. We covered a bunch of them at the time, each less likely than the last: Lanza's father was due to testify in hearings about a banking scandal, and the shooting was a distraction; Obama orchestrated the shootings to enact gun control laws; The Dark Knight Returns and/or Hunger Games predicted the shooting.

As it turns out, the one that stuck was maybe the most unlikely of all: the Sandy Hook elementary shooting never happened at all. Or, that it did, in some way, but not as it was reported — there was more than one shooter, or not as many children died, or the parents we saw on television were actors.

Over the last month or so, the "Sandy Hook Truther" movement has taken hold in the usual channels of internet conspiracy — sites like InfoWars and Natural News, message boards like Godlike Productions and Above Top Secret, and most importantly, on YouTube, where self-produced mini-documentaries like "The Sandy Hook Shooting - Fully Exposed" can make the leap from obscurity to viral success without any mainstream coverage at all.

"[I]t all started when me and my friends used to research 9/11 in high school," the auteur behind the video told me over email. (He declined to give me a name or personal information, "due to the sensitivity of the channel and my concern for my security," and signed his emails T.O.T.V., after his YouTube channel's title "ThinkOutsidetTheTV.") "That's what really got me started when it came to researching government cover ups [...] Once I learned about all the false flag attacks in history that have been proven to be true, I knew it was only a matter of time before another came a long."

The "false flag attack," in which the true belligerents of a terrorist attack, shooting, or disaster conceal their identities, is a common trope among conspiracy theorists, especially 9/11 Truthers, who believe the U.S. government (or another actor) destroyed the Twin Towers and pinned the attacks on Al Qaeda. If you believe in the idea that false flag attacks occur with regularity — and spend a lot of time in the conspiracy dregs of YouTube — it's hard not to see them everywhere.

"When Sandy Hook first happened i just had a feeling like it was all too perfect," T.O.T.V. continued. "I just had this feeling deep down that these people and the whole town had this artificial vibe about them." The perceived "artificiality" of the grieving parents is a cornerstone piece of "evidence" produced by Sandy Hook Truther: SandyHookHoax.com, the premiere Sandy Hook Truther site on the web, has an entire section called "All Actors," under an enormous header reading "NO TEARS," devoted to videos of families deemed insufficiently grief-stricken.

Gene Rosen, a Newtown man who sheltered six children at his home near the school and later gave an emotional television interview, appears in T.O.T.V.'s video accompanied by the caption: "FUN FACT: Gene is a member of the Screen Actors Guild, look it up!" (He's not — the widely-circulated "proof" shows a 62-year-old SAG member named Gene Rosen; Gene Rosen of Newtown is 69.) As Alex Seitz-Wald, owning the Sandy Hook Truther beat at Salon, writes, Rosen has been the subject of harassment and accusation from Truthers:

There have been phony Google+ and YouTube accounts created in his name, messages on white supremacist message boards ridiculing the "emotional Jewish guy," and dozens of blog posts and videos "exposing" him as a fraud. One email purporting to be a business inquiry taunted: "How are all those little students doing? You know, the ones that showed up at your house after the ‘shooting'. What is the going rate for getting involved in a gov't sponsored hoax anyway?"

The idea that the U.S. government is somehow behind the shooting is widespread. Jay Johnson, who runs SandyHookHoax.com, thinks that the operation may have been a cover-up for the murder of Adam Lanza's mother, who "was costing his dad a lot of money": "Peter Lanza is reportedly an executive with GE, which is locally into genetic research and closely tied to the Obama regime." (Lanza does work for G.E., which is not "into" genetic research, and is not particularly "closely tied" to the current administration.)

Like many of his fellow conspiracists Johnson, who describes himself as "the New Age Messiah" and "the only person in the world to solve LOST" — the TV show — cites the confusion around the initial reports as a reason to believe his conspiracy. "There were early reports [Peter Lanza] was killed, and that is an impossibility, that such a thing would be randomly falsely reported. So, there has to be an unseen hand (unnamed law enforcement officials) feeding disinformation and misinformation, maybe to form an incomprehensible web to dissuade or confuse investigations?" There's an odd but unsurprising overdetermination to this line of thought — if early reports are conflicting, it's evidence of a conspiracy of misinformation; if everyone agrees on the story, it's a cover-up.

But mostly Johnson sticks to I'm-just-asking: the conspiracy is "offered as food for thought." For his part, T.O.T.V. takes the same stance, in email as in his video. "I really try to stress this video was about putting together a bunch of evidence and raising questions that others could research and answer," he wrote.

"I never intended to expose who was behind it because I dont know, and I could be wrong. But history repeats itself and i'm really glad people are waking up to it. [...] People seem to mistake my video for exploitation of victims and children and that is totally wrong. As I said in the beginning of the video, we in no way claim this shooting did not take place and our hearts go out to anyone affected by the tragedy, weather one person was responsible or another. [... S]tay tuned for part 2, we have learned from the first one how to improve upon the delivery so hopefully it will be even better than the first."

Amanda Bynes Put a Little Stud in Her Cheek, I Guess Because She's Done Being Famous?

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Amanda Bynes Put a Little Stud in Her Cheek, I Guess Because She's Done Being Famous?Who is Amanda Bynes? Every once in a while, she drives her car into the wall of our lives, to lock herself in our cupcake shop bathrooms; to stand, naked and dreaming, in our tanning salon lobbies. To prevent us from settling too comfortably into the rhythm of life. To remind us that she exists.

She's like a friend we vaguely remember from childhood who pops up every once in a while on our Facebook feeds doing something odd.

The latest something odd that Amanda Bynes has done is (apparently) have a microdermal anchor inserted into her cheek. Bynes recently posted two pictures of herself with the stud on her tumblr.

Assuming it's real, it's unclear what Bynes hoped the stud would do, apart from making her more recognizable when out and about ("Is that Amanda Bynes? Yes, look at her cheek.") and limiting her ability to portray characters who do not have microdermal impants ("Is that Clara Barton? No, look at her cheek.").

Whatever her motivation, she seems pretty happy with it. Bynes posted this caption under one of the images:

:)

See you around, Amanda.

:)

[Image via AmandaBynes1986.tumblr.com]


Texas Lawmaker Wants to Lock Up Federal Officials Who Enforce Gun Control Measures Enacted by 'King Obama'

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Texas Lawmaker Wants to Lock Up Federal Officials Who Enforce Gun Control Measures Enacted by 'King Obama'

A Texas state legislator announced today that he has filed a bill aimed at preventing any new federal gun laws from being enforced in his state.

Republican Rep. Steve Toth's "Firearms Protection Act" would render illegal any bans or restrictions on weapons and ammunition that would be passed by Congress or enacted by the President.

Furthermore, the bill would criminalize the enforcement of any such gun control measures.

"If a federal official comes into the state of Texas to enforce the federal executive order, that person is subject to criminal prosecution," Toth told a local radio station.

A federal official found guilty of enforcing gun control would be subject to a $50,000 fine and up to five years behind bars.

The bill, which resembles legislation introduced by lawmakers in Wyoming last week, appears to have the implicit support of Greg Abbott, the state's Republican Attorney General.

Abbott previously made clear that he intends to challenge any federal restrictions on weapons or weapon possession.

Toth recognized that his proposal will likely run afoul of the Constitution's Supremacy Clause, which declares federal laws "the supreme law of the land," but says "a showdown between states and the federal government" needs to happen "at some point."

"It is our responsibility to push back when those laws are infringed by King Obama," Toth told WOAI.

[image via Steve Toth for Texas]

Rupert Murdoch Would Like to Know: "How Did Fat Lady Who Fell Thru Street Get to 400 Lbs? Welfare, Stamps, Etc?"

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Rupert Murdoch Would Like to Know: "How Did Fat Lady Who Fell Thru Street Get to 400 Lbs? Welfare, Stamps, Etc?"

Two months ago, Rupert Murdoch asked a question about the "Jewish owned press." As you might expect, it didn't go over so well, and he issued a half-assed apology. But did he learn his lesson? Of course not.

You may have heard about the woman who, last week, fell through a New York City sidewalk. The woman, a 32-year-old social worker who weighs 400 pounds and is 6'5", fell six feet into a basement, breaking her arm. She was otherwise uninjured, mostly because her size. "Thank God, they said that my size was the only thing that saved me," she told the New York Post. That was three days ago.

Murdoch, who owns the paper that broke the story, is just now catching up. His appropriate and compassionate response?

Yes, food stamps are to blame, Rupert. Good call. There's definitely nothing racist about assuming that an overweight black woman must be on welfare. Also, what an ideal time to discuss obesity and its effect on health care costs. A few minutes later Murdoch sort of apologized:

Never stop tweeting, Rupert.

[Image via AP]

Pooping Man Killed by Subway Train As Second Man Is Injured Nearby

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Pooping Man Killed by Subway Train As Second Man Is Injured Nearby

This is a weird one. A man was killed Tuesday afternoon after he fell from a moving subway train onto the tracks. But how did he fall, you ask? He was shitting between cars, as one does, when he apparently slipped, plunging to one of the more shameful deaths imaginable.

Tragic and terrifying, although perhaps less so – if only because of the pooping — than two other recent subway deaths.

Making things somewhat confusing, there was apparently a separate incident at the same subway station just before the fatal accident. According to the NYPD, a bloody man with a broken pelvis and "severe buttocks injuries" was found on the opposite platform after he mysteriously emerged from the tracks. The man, who police identified as Manuce Dulcio, didn't know how he got there or what had happened to him, although police noted he was very drunk.

Police initially said the two men had been fighting, although that turned out to be false. Instead, it was just your standard death-by-pooping/mysterious-drunken-injury incident, which is all too common these days.

[Image via Shutterstock]

Satanists Are Now Supporting Florida Governor Rick Scott

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Satanists Are Now Supporting Florida Governor Rick Scott

Florida Governor Rick Scott made headlines recently after he was exposed as an awful, dog-abandoning political hack. Well, the hack part wasn't exactly news, but the dog-abandoning was. His approval rating was already low before the dog incident, so who in their right mind would throw their support behind him now? Satanists, that's who.

It seems as though Scott and the members of New York's Satanic Temple have an unexpected common interest: prayer in school. Scott is a supporter of Senate Bill 98, which gives students "sole discretion in determining whether an inspirational message is to be delivered" at a school assembly. The bill would also prevent school officials from influencing any inspirational messages. Satanic Temple spokesman Lucien Greaves thinks the bill would be great for Satanism, so much so that he plans to hold a rally to support the bill and Scott later this month.

Satanists feel that the policy "does a lot to support religious diversity," according to Greaves.

"The Satanic Temple embraces the free expression of religion, and Satanists are happy to show their support of Rick Scott who — particularly with SB 98 — has reaffirmed our American freedom to practice our faith openly, allowing our Satanic children the freedom to pray in school," the Temple said in a release announcing the rally.

When asked about the rally, Rick Scott's press secretary said, "This is a great country. Everyone has a voice." If any Satanists actually show up at the rally — and that's a big if — this will officially become the second most exciting thing to happen during Scott's term, after that bizarre lesbian sex scandal involving his Lieutenant Governor.

[Image via AP]

Angry Sandwich Lovers Demand to Know Why Subway's Footlong is an Inch Shorter Than Advertised

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Angry Sandwich Lovers Demand to Know Why Subway's Footlong is an Inch Shorter Than Advertised

When Australian Matt Corby posted a photo of his newly acquired Subway sandwich to the Subway Facebook page demanding to know why the so-called "footlong" was only 11 inches long, he most likely didn't intend to become the poster boy for sandwich injustice.

But over 100,000 likes later, Corby's three-word entreaty — "subway pls respond" — has become the war cry of a hungry mob clamoring for an extra inch.

Angry Sandwich Lovers Demand to Know Why Subway's Footlong is an Inch Shorter Than Advertised

Soon enough, Subway's Facebook page was flooded with identical requests for an explication of the size discrepancy.

Some claiming to be in the know alleged that, contrary to popular belief, a toasted sub tends to shrink, whereas a cold sub maintains its full size. Other suggested that the bread was faulty from the get-go.

But so far the masses aren't buying it. And Subway, which typically responds to every whiny grievance, has so far remained mum.

In fairness, it's hard to speak with a foot in your mouth.

[photo via Facebook]

Matt Drudge Misunderstands Basic Meteorological Phenomenon

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Matt Drudge Misunderstands Basic Meteorological PhenomenonMatt Drudge, the Offer Nissim superfan who runs the link aggregator of record for black-on-white crime and Michelle Obama's eating habits, is in Washington, D.C., today, for some reason, where he is observing the weather:

Fact check: rain is water vapor that has condensed in the atmosphere and become heavy enough to fall, not the tears of ghosts. Also the Bill of Rights is not, in fact, "dissolving."

Every Advancement in Human Technology Has Been Leading Up to This Moment: Two Dogs Skyping


Hey Idiots, Jennifer Lawrence Didn't Dis Meryl Streep — She Was Quoting First Wives Club

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On the Late Show with David Letterman last night, smart-mouthed superstar Jennifer Lawrence explained her controversial acceptance speech for Best Actress - Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical for Silver Linings Playbook at Sunday's Golden Globes. "What does it say? I beat Meryl," is how she opened her speech, and she explained to Letterman that she was referencing the 1996 revenge comedy The First Wives Club. She didn't mention, though, that she was also referencing the truth, because she did, in fact, beat Meryl Streep, who was nominated for Hope Springs.

Lawrence talked about Twitter outrage in response to her speech, even though she isn't on Twitter (yeah right). "I wanted to make a public statement like, 'Uh, hey idiots, it's a quote.'" Well, she just did, so how do you like that, idiots?

Lawrence, whose endearing brusqueness makes her something like America's anti-sweetheart, would probably be really good at Twitter because she does not give a fuck.

Jimmy Kimmel Skewers Los Angeles' Reaction to 'Arctic Blast'

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In case Twitter hasn't told you, it's very cold in Los Angeles right now. Well, 50 degrees, otherwise known as summer in Milwaukee. But our taco-eating, trail-running bretheren are sensitive, okay?

On last night's show, Jimmy Kimmel lampooned the always-lampoonable Los Angeles local news for their "team coverage" of this historic "arctic blast."

Godspeed, City of Angels. Our thoughts are all with you during this hard time.

'Unapologetically Honest' Wall Street Internship Cover Letter from 'Nothing Special' Undergrad Lands Him Every Job Offer Available

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'Unapologetically Honest' Wall Street Internship Cover Letter from 'Nothing Special' Undergrad Lands Him Every Job Offer AvailableThe phrase "honesty is the best policy" probably wasn't coined by someone trying to land a job on Wall Street.

But one finance major from an "average university" decided to give frankness a shot in his cover letter to a "boutique investment bank" where he was hoping to land a summer internship.

His letter is transcribed below, courtesy of Forbes:

'Unapologetically Honest' Wall Street Internship Cover Letter from 'Nothing Special' Undergrad Lands Him Every Job Offer Available

My name is [redacted] and I am an undergraduate finance student at [redacted]. I met you the summer before last at Smith & Wollensky's in New York when I was touring the east coast with my uncle, [redacted]. I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to talk with me that night.

I am writing to inquire about a possible summer internship in your office. I am aware it is highly unusual for undergraduates from average universities like [redacted] to intern at [redacted], but nevertheless I was hoping you might make an exception. I am extremely interested in investment banking and would love nothing more than to learn under your tutelage. I have no qualms about fetching coffee, shining shoes or picking up laundry, and will work for next to nothing. In all honesty, I just want to be around professionals in the industry and gain as much knowledge as I can.

I won't waste your time inflating my credentials, throwing around exaggerated job titles, or feeding you a line of crapp (sic) about how my past experiences and skill set align perfectly for an investment banking internship. The truth is I have no unbelievably special skills or genius eccentricities, but I do have a near perfect GPA and will work hard for you. I've interned for Merrill Lynch in the Wealth Management Division and taken an investment banking class at [redacted], for whatever that is worth.

I am currently awaiting admission results for [redacted] Masters of Science in Accountancy program, which I would begin this fall if admitted. I am also planning on attending law school after my master's program, which we spoke about in New York. I apologize for the blunt nature of my letter, but I hope you seriously consider taking me under your wing this summer. I have attached my resume for your review. Feel free to call me at [redacted] or email at [redacted]. Thank you for your time.

It probably bodes well for his future in the industry that his risk paid dividends.

Within minutes, the letter was blasted to entire listservs of Wall Street bigshots, garnering the would-be intern rave reviews for his bravery.

"This might be the best cover letter I've ever received," exclaimed one recipient. "THIS IS AWESOME," capslocked another.

Others weren't interested in wasting time on platitudes while someone else was snapping him up.

"No joke, I think we should consider this guy," said one investment banker who was two forwards deep. "I wouldn't be surprised if this guy gets at least a call from every bank out there."

[H/T: Brobible, images via Shutterstock, Business Insider]

Colleges Spend Much More Money on Athletes than on Students, Because Athletes Are Heroes

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Colleges Spend Much More Money on Athletes than on Students, Because Athletes Are HeroesIn case any unimportant "regular" college students were operating under the delusion that your university's boilerplate about how "Academics Come First" was actually a meaningful statement of values, it is now possible to quantify financially just how much more important athletes are than you, the unathletic plebeian.

A new report from the Delta Cost Project finds that NCAA schools (particularly big football schools) shower each athlete with far more dolla$$$ than each student, even though "only one in four institutions in the FBS generated more money than it spent in any given year between 2005 and 2010." From Inside Higher Ed:

According to the report, the growth in per-athlete athletic spending outpaced the growth in per-student academic spending over [2005-2010] in all subdivisions of Division I athletics. In general, the report found that Division I universities and colleges tended to spend roughly three to six times as much on athletics per athlete as on academics per student, with the ratio exceeding 12 times in the Southeastern Conference, home of the last seven NCAA national champions in football.

To be fair, how you gonna beat them Dawgs without spending no money to get them Gator boys some of them good pork chops? You gonna feed them boys a book? Haw. Maybe feed them Dawgs a book. Them tiny little Dawgs look like they been eatin some books.

[The full report. Photo: AP]

Gawker Is Hiring Editorial Fellows, Not Interns, No, Never Interns, in New York

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Gawker Is Hiring Editorial Fellows, Not Interns, No, Never Interns, in New YorkGawker is now hiring Editorial Fellows for our New York office.

Editorial Fellows are Gawker's entry level editorial positions. The ideal Editorial Fellow candidate is a strong writer with a discerning eye for newsworthy stories, has a keen sense of Gawker's voice, lives in New York, and won't give us any lip.

The essentials:
• You should want to be a journalist or reporter or writer or something of the sort when you grow up—prior experience in media is a plus.
• Basic knowledge of Photoshop, FinalCut, and HTML.
• Over 18 with the legal ability to work in the United States
• Willingness to learn. We don't expect you to know everything when you get here, but you should be willing to put the work in to figure it out.
• Ability to commit four days a week.

The stuff you'll be doing:
• Research and reporting: Learning how to pull together lots of different kinds of information from multiple sources for editors
• Spotting stories: Learning how to find and pitch stories from multiple sources and leads
• Some video editing
• Other things

Editorial Fellows are paid, hourly employees. And if you're really good (and lucky), one day you could be promoted to an Editorial Assistant.

If you think that sounds like something you're into, send an email to Leah@Gawker.com with the subject "Editorial Fellow" telling us a little bit about yourself. Please include a writing sample and a resume, both PASTED into the email. (It's okay if it looks weird. Just no attachments. Seriously. None.) You've got until Wednesday, January 23rd to apply.

TTYL.

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