By using light pulses to effectively shut down neural activity, scientists have essentially developed an "off-switch" for the brain.

In 2005, Stanford scientist Karl Deisseroth discovered how to switch individual brain cells on and off by using light in a technique that he dubbed "optogenetics," now used by research teams around the world.

The problem with this technique was that although light-sensitive proteins were efficient at switching cells on, they were found to be less effective at turning them off. Now, almost a decade of research later, the Independent reports that scientists have been able to more effectively shut down the neurons:

"Mr Deisseroth's team has now re-engineered its light-sensitive proteins to switch cells much more adequately than before. ... Thomas Insel, director of the National Institute of Mental Health, which funded the study, said this improved 'off' switch will help researchers to better understand the brain circuits involved in behavior, thinking and emotion."

Insel went on to explain, "It creates a powerful tool that allows neuroscientists to apply a brake in any specific circuit with millisecond precision, beyond the power of any existing technology."

The technique could help scientists develop treatments for patients with some brain diseases, as it could allow problematic parts of the brain to be switched off and addressed with minimal intrusion.

[Image credit: Shutterstock]

According to a statement released Friday, the NYPD is reviewing a legislative proposal to make New York the first state to prohibit the existence of multiple condoms from being used as evidence in prostitution cases, a practice that advocates say undermines public health goals.

"1776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms!" an unhinged Alex Jones once screamed at a slightly more-hinged Piers Morgan. Jonesies—who've gone all in for Cliven Bundy—love to cite America's founders to defend their gun caresses. Usually, they get it wrong.

Sure, the elite landed intellectuals who laid America's groundwork saw the usefulness of their age's rudimentary firearms. But their views on guns were complicated and narrow, with nuances that don't fit easily on Second Amendment absolutists' bumper stickers.

As gun-toters and their industry-funded lobby have simplified and meme-ified their arguments, they've simplified our view of the founding fathers, too—usually with distorted or fabricated quotes that give historians paroxysms. Here are some of the gunners' greatest mythical quotations, along with their nutty origins.

1. "The people will not understand the importance of the Second Amendment until it is too late."

FALSELY ATTRIBUTED TO: Thomas Jefferson.

TRUTH: This is a "spurious" quotation, according to Jefferson scholars at his ancestral home of Monticello; it reportedly first appeared in a 2007 revolutionary screed by a libertarian author who also managed to misspell "Capitol" in his book's title.

2. "When government fears the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the government, there is tyranny."

FALSELY ATTRIBUTED TO: Thomas Jefferson, or Thomas Paine, or Samuel Adams.

TRUTH:The earliest version of this didn't appear until 1914, when an obscure anti-marxist crusader used it in a published debate on the correctness of socialism. It was first attributed to Jefferson in a 1994 pamphlet by a "mind control" conspiracy theorist who also recently asked readers: "ARE U.S. PRESIDENTS CLONED? (WHAT HAVE THOSE SECRET NAZI BEEN UP TO ALL THESE YEARS?!)"

3. "Firearms stand next in importance to the Constitution itself. They are the American people's liberty, teeth and keystone under independence. The church, the plow, the prairie wagon and the citizen's firearms are indelibly related."

FALSELY ATTRIBUTED TO: George Washington.

TRUTH: "Prairie wagon"? Washington? Stop smoking crack. Misattributed to the original Dubya in 2011 by two hunters who write for a gun-fondling mag called Sporting Classics. Also printed in Playboy in 1995, and subsequently retracted by Playboy in 1996.

4. "The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

FALSELY ATTRIBUTED TO: Jefferson, again.

TRUTH: If by Jefferson you mean "a conservative syndicated columnist and gun-loving Confederate sympathizer writing in the Orlando Sentinel in 1989 just before he endorsed a book titled Was Jefferson Davis Right?" then sure, it's Jefferson.

5. "The right of the citizens to bear arms in defense of themselves and the state shall not be questioned."

FALSELY ATTRIBUTED TO: John Madison.

TRUTH: Actually comes from the 1790 Pennsylvania Constitution. And Madison was always all "fuck Pennsylvania."

6. "Arms in the hands of the citizens may be used at individual discretion for the defense of the country, the overthrow of tyranny or private self defense."

FALSELY ATTRIBUTED TO: John Adams.

TRUTH: A version of this was even used by the NRA for several years. Because what Adams—federalist, signer of the Sedition Acts, and perennial pessimist about human nature—really liked was armed mobs. In fact, this is a bastardization of a longer quote in defense of the Constitution, which says something very different—namely, that armed untrained citizens in mass posed a threat to liberty and constitutional government:

To suppose arms in the hands of citizens, to be used at individual discretion, except in private self-defense, or by partial orders of towns, countries or districts of a state, is to demolish every constitution, and lay the laws prostrate, so that liberty can be enjoyed by no man; it is a dissolution of the government. The fundamental law of the militia is, that it be created, directed and commanded by the laws, and ever for the support of the laws.

7. "The best we can help for concerning the people at large is that they be properly armed."

FALSELY ATTRIBUTED TO: Alexander Hamilton.

TRUTH: Besides being a grammatical pooch-screw, this one-liner is cited by gun fans as being in Article 184 of the Federalist Papers. The Federalist Papers have 85 articles. But it does appear to be a deceptive paraphrase of Federalist No. 29, "Concerning the Militia," in which Hamilton actually suggests that individual boobs are incompetent with guns, but hey, you go to war against England with the undisciplined makeshift militia you have:

The project of disciplining all the militia of the United States is as futile as it would be injurious, if it were capable of being carried into execution… Little more can reasonably be aimed at, with respect to the people at large, than to have them properly armed and equipped; and in order to see that this be not neglected, it will be necessary to assemble them once or twice in the course of a year.

8. "Those who hammer their guns into plowshares will plow for those who do not."

FALSELY ATTRIBUTED TO: Jefferson, of course.

TRUTH: Monticello researchers, again: "We have not found any evidence that Thomas Jefferson said or wrote, 'Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not.'" Hell, they couldn't even figure out who first made up this turd. Here's a tinfoil-hatter on Alex Jones' Infowars.com using it in a 2007 column.

9. "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty."

FALSELY ATTRIBUTED TO: Jefferson, or Patrick Henry, or Junius.

TRUTH: About as American as potato pie. It probably first came from a longer quote by one of my alleged ancestors, the Irish jurist John Philpott Curran, in 1790.

A 42-year-old teacher has been arrested after admitting to giving one of her middle school students a "full contact lap dance" in front of her entire class.

Felicia Smith of Houston, Texas, is being charged with an improper relationship with a student after she reportedly rubbed her hands all over the boy's body and then dropped to her knees and put her head between his legs.

The boy says he slapped Smith's ass several times during the incident, and a probable cause affidavit notes the teacher's moves caused him to "have an erected penis."

Smith ended the nearly four-minute-long dance by saying, "I love you, baby. Happy birthday."

The victim is 15.

Investigators are reviewing a video of the lap dance. Smith told them that her other students convinced her to grind on the boy as a joke.

Smith is free on $30,000 bond, and is due back in court May 22.

[H/T NY Post, Photo Credit: Fox 26]

What happened to Jonad?

For the first two seasons of Veep, HBO’s political comedy, West Wing errand boy Jonah Ryan, played by Timothy Simons, filled a simple yet essential role: The backboard against which the Vice President and her lieutenants landed insult after insult, joke after joke, all aimed at usurping not only “Jonad,” as Selina Meyer’s staff called him, but the unseen President, whose useless directives and maddening requests Jonah was tasked with delivering.

Then came Season 3, which premiered three weeks ago. In the first episode, Jonah’s nemesis, Dan Egan, discovered that Jonah was running, under the name “West Wing Man,” an undercover Beltway gossip blog where he posted embarassing photos of the Vice President’s staff. After being fired, Jonah exited the West Wing screaming: “I’m going to be back as the fucking President! Jonah Ryan, 2026!”

Now, this twist wasn’t entirely unbelievable. In October 2013, the (real) White House fired a national security official named Jofi Joseph for tweeting administration gossip under the Twitter account “natsecwonk,” where Joseph ridiculed Obama aide Ben Rhodes’ receding hairline, among other things. Then the perpetrator, full of contrition, faded into the background.

Not Jonah. Over the next three episodes, Simmons’ character refashioned himself as the host and author of a D.C.-centric blog-slash-video-series called “Ryan-Tology,” where he shook completely loose of Veep’s otherwise cutting depiction of Washington. Look at the video above. Look at the video below.

Jonah Ryan has gone off the deep end.

Ryan-Tology’s political commentary employs dolls (or are they bobbleheads?), Jonah’s own rapid-fire narration, and video effects so distracting that you almost don’t notice how amateur they are.

It’s an unusual misfire. While visual media have always struggled with the blogger figure, Veep has otherwise been adept at portraying those who circulate within D.C.’s power corridors, such as political reporters (recall Leon West, the “Beltway Butcher,” played by Brian Huskey) and, of course, lobbyists, personified in the oily Sidney Purcell, played by Peter Grosz.

Jonah’s newfound blogger persona, on the other hand, is so miswritten and imprecise that it’s difficult to say what Veep wants it to reveal. Pre-blogger Jonah was captivated by his own power, whether over the VP’s staff or other women, and the subtle tactics required to accumulate and preserve it. Blogger Jonah, by contrast, would rather film himself playing with misshapen figurines. It’s as if his prior West Wing status, and the symbolic power it conferred, were the only objects tethering him to reality.

Which is, perhaps, the point. The writers of Veep have created a D.C., much like the real one, in which power is the only currency. A blogger living in that swamp would have to be nuts, literally, not to want some of his own.

To contact the author of this post, email trotter@gawker.com

North Carolina A&T State University is on lockdown after police received reports of a man with a rifle on campus. UPDATE: The lockdown was lifted after police failed to find the reported gunman.

The superhero everyone loves to completely ignore is definitely going to be in the upcoming Justice League movie, and he may be played by Matt Damon. Yes, we may have to sit through Jason Bourne chatting telepathically with dolphins.

The movie, to be directed by Zack Snyder, is set to be released some time after the Ben Affleck/Henry Cavill vehicle Batman vs. Superman. So it's the perfect time to discuss wild casting rumors! The Wrap reports that Damon is "being sought" to play Aquaman. Affleck and Damon together again...this time in spandex. It's the stuff of your weirdest NyQuil-induced dreams.

Of course, Damon isn't the only one in talks for the role. If producers go in a completely different direction, Jason Momoa could play the king of Atlantis. (And now all those millions of Aquaman fans are struggling to cope with the idea of Khal Drogo bending sea creatures to his will.)

Whoever ends up being cast, though, it will be a while before anyone sees the results. The movie isn't set to be released for another three or four years.

[Image via AP, H/T Uproxx]

Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling's racist tirade, caught on tape and released over the weekend, is starting to cost the team some major advertisers.

State Farm was the first to drop the Clippers like a hot, blatantly racist potato. Translation LLC CEO Steve Stoute announced on ESPN radio that the insurance giant would no longer sponsor the team, although sponsorship of individual players may continue. (ESPN's Darren Rovell has since reported that State Farm is merely "assessing the situation.")

Stoute said he expected other sponsors would be pulling out soon, as well. The next to do so was used-car retailer CarMax. The company made its announcement to BuzzFeed.

The Clippers' remaining 7 advertisers are 1-800Loanmart, Amtrak, Anheuser-Busch, AQUAhydrate, Corona, Virgin America, and Yokohama.

Meanwhile in the land of delicious irony, Magic Johnson, one of the specific black people Sterling insulted in his bigoted rant, is rumored as a possible buyer for the team.

Update: Virgin America has also suspended its relationship with the Clippers.

Update 2: Kia and AQUAhydrate have also pulled out, and Red Bull has suspended all activities with the Clippers, although it will continue to sponsor Blake Griffin.

Amtrak's contract had already expired, but it condemned Sterling's comments in a statement. Anheuser-Busch, maker of "the official beer of the NBA," isn't actually a team sponsor, but said it supports "appropriate action" against Sterling.

At this point, the Clippers' only advertisers are Yokohama Tires, Corona and LoanMart.

[H/T Mediaite, Photo: Getty Images]

The anarchist collective known as the Counterforce has turned its sights from Google to Uber. On Saturday night, a group of tech industry protestors blocked cars with the Uber logo on the street in Seattle, documenting the incident on a Wordpress blog, just like they did with Kevin Rose.

Detective Mark Jameison from the Seattle Police Department told Valleywag the protest had not come to his attention. "It didn't look like it got any local coverage here," he said this morning. "There might have been some people who were protesting in the middle of the street but it certainly didn't amount to anything."

"Are you sure that it was in Seattle?" Jameison added.

The Wordpress blog has four photos of protestors, one of whom appears to be wearing a ski mask. They claim to have detained ten cars and distributed fliers in front of hundreds of witnesses. The photos show them blocking at least one car.

Counterforce members in San Francisco used the pseudonym Nicolas Flamel. In Seattle, the URL for the protest site was named after Gerard Lebovici, the assassinated French film producer. Reached by email, "Flamel" told Valleywag that the Uber protest was undertaken by "a different counterforce group for us in the bay," who forwarded them the website after it occurred:

I just learned Gerard Lebovici was the patron of Guy Debord, author of
Society of the Spectacle. Its a totally different group, though.

The Society of the Spectacle is a Marxist treatise from 1967 that "predicted our distracted society." The byline for the post is "Octavio Alberola," presumably after the anti-Franco Spanish anarchist.

The post goes into detail about Uber CEO Travis Kalanick and the origins of Uber:

The leader of Uber is a man named Travis Kalanick, a 37-year-old sociopath from the superficial landscape of Los Angeles. He went to UCLA and joined the Theta Xi fraternity. A few years before he entered the university, Theta Xi drew widespread scorn when its internal fraternity songbooks were leaked, revealing the scope of the brotherhood's racism and hatred of women. These drunken monsters would routinely sing lines like "maggots crawl out of her decomposed womb" and "the dirty fags who contracted AIDS and died."

Counterforce members compare Kalanick to Nietzsche's Uberman or Übermensch, tying his company to the death of 6-year-old Sophia Liu on New Year's Eve:

Sometimes the capitalists try to sound like anarchists. Travis Kalanick wants to undermine every City Hall he encounters and render its laws meaningless. But in the end, he wants the laws to favor him and him alone. He is the Uber Man after all, and if the state wants to keep him down, then he should be free to hijack the state and make it serve his ends. Like the besieged capitalists in The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, people like Travis Kalanick will compete with everyone on their way to the top, trampling on their workers and ignoring ghosts like Sofia.

I have reached out to Uber and will update the post when I hear back.

If you're a member of the Counterforce in Seattle or witnessed the protest, please contact me at nitasha@gawker.com.

[Images via gerardlebovici.wordpress.com]

You will not get a microchip implanted in your skin if you sign up for Obamacare. You will not get a microchip implanted in your skin if you sign up for Obamacare. You will not get a microchip implanted in your skin if you sign up for Obamacare.

Mondays suck. But you can improve this one just a little by watching the first episode of John Oliver's new show, Last Week Tonight, which HBO has generously made available to mere peasants by putting it on YouTube.

Well, they're not that generous. Even though the episode is up on YouTube, HBO won't allow embeds. Because putting a show online but not letting other people link to it is the best way to build buzz. Just click the link above to go right to the episode.

You'll laugh! You'll gasp! You'll wonder how he has time to breathe! Your workday will be completely shot!

In a great victory for freedom and democracy, the DOD has announced it will require all boot camp recruits to use their shoe allowance to buy only American shoes! And in a great victory for socialism, they'll only be able to buy one company's ugly government-subsidized shoes.

The deal is this: Recruits who enlist in the Navy, Army, and Air Force are given an athletic shoe allowance of about $80. Until recently, they could use it on whatever shoes worked best for them. But thanks to heavy congressional lobbying and knee-jerk patriotism, the DOD has okayed a new rule requiring the enlistees to buy American.

Sounds great—more money and more jobs for Murkans! How much? Roughly $180 million a year, by one estimate. Except there's only one firm that currently comes anywhere close to making a shoe entirely in America: New Balance. (And even they concede that "Made in the USA" doesn't mean what you think it means: "1 out of every 4 pairs of shoes we sold in the USA was made or assembled here. Where domestic value is at least 70%, we label our shoes "'Made in the USA.'")

In other words, the military just made a competitive bidding process into a no-bid, one-shoe-fits-all process. All to support "America."

Funny thing is, the military didn't want to do this, in part because "Narrowing the recruit's choice to one or two manufacturers, as they select a shoe for rigorous initial entry training will, 'limit the choices available and may result in more injuries,'" according to a DOD spokesman just two months ago. But politics interceded on New Balance's behalf, again.

If you've been in the military for any amount of time, you know New Balance has long gnashed its teeth on the ample gubmint teat. In addition to the footwear allowance, military recruits (and officer candidates) get issued go-fasters, running suits, and other gear that more often than not comes from the Massachusetts-based sneaker company.

It's no easy feat telling how much of New Balance's bottom line has been footed, so to speak, by Uncle Sam over the years, but it's a lot. A quick, not-at-all exhaustive search of the DOD's online contracting records lists:

• A $12 million contract for running shoes in 1997-98.
• A $12 million contract for running shoes in 1998-99.
• A $14 million add-on contract for Marine Corps running suits in 2008-09.
• A $7.3 million add-on contract for more Marine Corps running suits in 2009.

New Balance is a featured vendor on U.S. base exchanges. Its shoes are part of the Navy's exercise uniform. It makes the Air Force's marathon running shorts (and gets glowing base articles written about them for free). It outfits military triathletes. It makes the Coast Guard running shoe. Here's another $24 million in recent contracts New Balance got from the DOD and Homeland Security. Here's part of its military apparel collection.

All of which suggests that a goodly amount of New Balance's annual shareholder revenue is provided by you, the taxpayer. (A fair amount of that revenue also goes into political contributions by New Balance—almost $1.3 million in the last two years alone, almost all of it to Republican PACS and candidates... which is pretty weird for a company based in America's bluest state, unless you're courting House leaders and senior military-committee members like John Boehner and John McCain.)

The value of New Balance's U.S. government relationship goes much farther than its DOD contracts. The company has long based its marketing to civilians on its "made in the USA" and military-friendly reputation—which on balance seems like a good thing. But is one shoe really the best fit for the feet of 2 million or so active and reserve military members in America? Isn't competition supposed to be an American value?

The answer, of course, is: It doesn't frickin' matter now. You will buy New Balance, recruit. Now, go defend American freedom. Freedom to buy what you're told to.

[Image via New Balance]

The next time you hop in an UberX—one of the transit startup's fancy gypsy cabs run by unlicensed drivers—you'll notice a new "Safe Ride Fee" added to your fare. It's only a dollar, but since when do we have to pay extra to not get raped?

The question of who exactly is driving you in the "sharing economy" has come up, notably, a few times in the past year. Last month, The Daily Beast's Olivia Nuzzi recounted a particularly unsettling encounter with an Uber driver:

At the end of the ride, the Uber driver asked me if I had been near Lincoln Center a few hours earlier. I said I hadn't, since I didn't remember walking past there. Then he took out his iPad. "Really?" he asked. "Because you look like this girl." He turned the iPad around to face the back seat. To my surprise, I saw a full-length, close-up picture of me, wearing the workout clothes I'd had on an hour previously.

Uber has promised (nebulous) background checks and screening processes before, but they're clearly inadequate—maybe a company with such a thick libertarian streak thought the market would simply weed out creeps and convicts.

So after years of operation, Uber decided to clamp down—and also decided to pass the cost of safely, responsibly running a business onto the consumer:

This fee supports the increased costs associated with our continued efforts to ensure the safest platform for Uber riders and drivers. Those include an industry-leading background check process, regular motor vehicle checks, driver safety education, current and future development of safety features in the app, and insurance.

When I asked Uber for more information about how it was spending the surcharge, I received no response.

There are two things about this plan that seem "not good."

It seems "not good" that safety is considered worthy of a surcharge, and not an obvious, absolutely minimum requirement for using the service to begin with. Twitter users made the point very well, and repeatedly:

Can't wait for @uber's delivery service. Maybe for an extra dollar, they'll make sure it isn't poison!

— i 3 sf (@mat) April 22, 2014

@mat imagine restaurants charging a buck extra specifically for soap for their employees to wash their heads with.

— Jesse Atkinson (@jsatk) April 23, 2014

@tomcarmony @mat schedule of delivery fees: $1 no breaking $1 no poison $2 no explosives $2 no lectures on the virtues of the free market

— Claes Bell (@ClaesBell) April 22, 2014

Imagine: Seamless has implemented a $1 fee to make sure your beef with broccoli wasn't exposed to feces. And so forth. But the fee is even more galling when you think about what it's offering in return: not shit-free soup, but not coming into bodily harm or mortal danger. There's a very basic sense here that this is not a premium feature, or something that should cost more—even a perfunctory and basically trivial extra buck. It's not about the money.

There's also the (perhaps more) disturbing conclusion you can make from this announcement—were all our rides before now unsafe? Was there a chance we were going to get assaulted, or molested, or raped, or murdered by our un-screened UberX drivers, the ones that once cost a dollar less? Uber seems to be tacitly admitting—by making safety an added feature—that up until now its service was inherently unsafe. I asked Chris Dolan, an attorney currently representing the family of a young girl struck dead by an Uber driver on New Year's Eve, about the ramifications of this charge:

This is but another example of Uber's greed. They are seeking to avoid having to act like other businesses and provide services which provide common consumer protections such as vehicle inspections, drug tests, insurance, etc. Uber wants the passengers to pay for this so that they can maintain their profit margin. By doing this Uber keeps its 20% off the top and makes a rider pay extra to have a modicum of safety. This is greedy. Uber should use some of its tremendous profit to make sure that their customers have safe vehicles with proper insurance. This would be like Macy's charging you a dollar when entering the store to pay for sweeping the floors and making sure objects are properly placed on shelves so they do not fall on [your] head. Taxis couldn't do this without approval of the regulating body.

The point about taxis is an important one—Uber considers any regulatory apparatus an ideological enemy because so few of them would ever abide this bullshit. But consumers probably will, which is why Uber is willing to throw yet another anti-consumer sucker punch. CEO Travis Kalanick is a very, very smart man. He knows how to run a company. He also knows our addiction to convenience makes us the perfect slow-boiled frogs. Uber is a tremendously successful, rapidly growing startup premised on laziness—and he knows that if we can't be bothered to just ride a bike, how many people are really going to worry about this?

Maybe some, when they realize the it's possible this extra charge is only buying you the illusion of a safe driver—an investigation by Chicago's NBC 5 news station found plenty of unsavory people behind the wheel, even after Uber's "industry-leading background check process."

NBC5 Investigates went undercover, hiring UberX drivers to take us to some of Chicago's most popular landmarks — and found not a single driver knew his way around the city.

NBC5 then ran background checks on each of the drivers and discovered ticket after ticket — for speeding, illegal stops and running lights. One driver had 26 traffic tickets, yet still passed Uber's background check.

"I have a three-page rap sheet," said California reformed criminal Beverly Locke, who agreed to help NBC test the system.

Would $2 extra do the trick?

In his new book, likely 2016 also-ran Rick Santorum exhorts his fellow conservatives to stop using the words "middle class" because "we don't believe there are social or economic classes in America." The book, called "Blue Collar Conservatives," is out today.

It's the third anniversary of Ed Balls Day, the day when British Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer Ed Balls accidentally sent out a tweet containing nothing but his name (which doubles as a snappy euphemism for testicles).

Although banks and the government have yet to close on Ed Balls Day, retweeting the post has become something of a British national tradition.

Balls didn't delete the original tweet because "he did not know you could." It's now been retweeted more than 27,000 times.

Good grief.. Oh go on then.. RT @edballsmp: Ed Balls

— Ed Balls (@edballsmp) April 28, 2014

[H/T Ed Balls]

Udomsak Ratanotayo and Suttinan Boonsomkiat wear stormtrooper costumes while donating blood at the Thai Red Cross in Bangkok on Monday. Thai Star Wars fans are donating blood and giving toys to an orphanage as part of a promotional campaign. Image via Sakchai Lalit/AP.

Why yes, it happened in Florida. Why do you ask?

Apparently, if a person's corpse goes undiscovered too long, its decomposition gases can build up and cause organs to erupt violently. And then congealing body fluids can leak out everywhere.

If this person lived in the apartment above you, her corpse's fluids could run down into your abode. If these bodily juices spoil your apartment, it's very likely your insurance wouldn't cover it, because it all depends on what their definition of "explosion" is.

That's the situation Palm Beach County resident Judy Rodrigo finds herself in, six years after the little old lady upstairs combusted and left Rodrigo in a morass of bile and legal filings. Via the Broward/Palm Beach New Times:

The deceased elderly woman, who apparently passed away from natural causes, lived alone with her dogs. After she died, her body went undiscovered for two weeks before a noxious odor began to fill the adjacent units.

After complaints from neighbors, maintenance workers entered the apartment and found that the dogs had eaten her remains, according to Courthouse News.

The undiscovered body went through its normal decaying process and eventually bloated to the point that the gasses inside the corpse built enough pressure that it caused its abdomen to burst. This released gases and fluids, which is what leaked down into Rodrigo's apartment.

Rodrigo sued State Farm, her insurer, looking for a reimbursement for repairs to clean the corpse's goop out of her unit. She gutted the apartment but "[e]ven then, she claimed, the odor lingered."

But this week, a county court agreed with State Farm that it wasn't on the hook. The company would have had to cover damages from an explosion, but that's not what happened:

"The plain meaning of the term 'explosion' does not include a decomposing body's cells explosively expanding, causing leakage of bodily fluids," they court stated, per the New York Post.

The court went on to say that Rodrigo failed to establish that the woman's corpse was "tantamount to an explosion."

Mental note: Spring for the top-floor unit.

[Photo credit: AP]

The second episode in a days-long tornado outbreak will unfold today across parts of the Deep South known as "Dixie Alley," an area of the U.S. highly susceptible to intense tornadoes. The Storm Prediction Center is calling this a "particularly dangerous situation" due to the high likelihood of seeing intense, long-lived tornadoes like we saw in Arkansas yesterday.

For reference, "severe weather" is defined as thunderstorms that produce hail the size of quarters or larger, damaging winds in excess of 60 MPH, or a tornado.

Where is the outbreak expected?

The above map shows the Storm Prediction Center's current thinking on the tornado outbreak. The atmosphere is primed for a major severe weather outbreak in the area shaded in red, which denotes a "moderate risk" for severe weather — a 4/5 on a scale measuring the threat for severe weather.

The worst storms will form across an area from northeastern Louisiana through south-central Tennessee, with the bulk of the outbreak affecting Mississippi and Alabama.

Tornadoes are definitely possible outside of the Deep South anywhere in the yellow-shaded area on the map at the top of this post, especially along the Mississippi River from St. Louis northwestward through south-central Iowa.

The Storm Prediction Center issued a statement at 12:05PM CDT saying that they're going to issue a tornado watch across the areas they've outlined in the image to the left of this paragraph. As the afternoon wears on, expected to see these storms potentially produce violent, long-lived tornadoes.

When will it start?

It's a few minutes after noon Central Time as I write this sentence, so the answer is really "any time now." The atmosphere over the risk area is no longer capped, meaning that the environment isn't resisting rising air anymore. As clouds over the region start to break up and the sun heats the air near the surface, air should begin to rise in earnest and severe thunderstorms will grow in coverage.

What are the chances?

The Storm Prediction Center issues maps that show the "probability" that an area will see different types of severe weather, and people misuse and misread these maps all the time. They're really useful if you know how to read them.

Here's today's tornado probability map:

A 15% risk for tornadoes means that there is a 15% higher-than-normal chance of seeing a tornado within 25 miles of any point within the shaded area. Since the percentage refers to the chance of seeing a tornado compared to normal, that's extremely high. A 5% risk for tornadoes usually warrants concern, so anything above that is just dangerous.

The black hatching indicates the risk for intense, long-track tornadoes like the one we saw in central Arkansas yesterday. This is an atmospheric setup conducive to those half-mile to one-mile wide "wedge" tornadoes that tear up entire towns. It is a dangerous setup and one that residents need to watch closely

What can I do to protect myself?

If you live in the risk area, the best thing you can do to protect yourself is to have a plan in case you go under a tornado watch or tornado warning.

When you're at home, work, or school, take a look around and scout out the safest place to take shelter in case a tornado warning is issued and you need to get to safety. The best place to be in a tornado is underground either in a storm shelter or basement, but many buildings don't have them. If you can't get underground, you'' want to find a small, interior room that has as many walls between you and the outside as possible. Closets and bathrooms are usually the best, especially in townhouses, offices, and schools.

If you live in an apartment building and you're not on the ground floor, you need to make some friends downstairs and go to one of their apartments if a tornado threatens. Tornadoes can shear the top one or two floors off an apartment building with relative ease, so it is not a place you want to take shelter.

Mobile homes are the worst place to be in any type of severe weather, let alone during a tornado. Mobile homes are not built to withstand winds much higher than 60 MPH, and oftentimes they start seeing damage well before that. If you live in a mobile home and tornadoes threaten your area, leave and find a sturdy building. Go to a bank or local school — they will let you in to take shelter.

Once you find your safe place, make sure it's stocked up with supplies to help you survive the tornado and seek/administer help once it passes.

Links

• The Storm Prediction Center is the official agency in charge of predicting severe thunderstorms in the United States.
• The National Weather Service issues local forecasts, as well as severe thunderstorm/tornado warnings across the U.S.
• Wunderground provides excellent weather radar imagery — click on the + closest to your location.
• NASA's website provides excellent satellite imagery from the GOES weather satellites.
• Dr. Greg Forbes of The Weather Channel is a world-class meteorologist who developed the accurate TOR:CON index that evaluates the threat for tornadoes on a 0-10 scale. Dr. Forbes' TOR:CON forecasts are found on weather.com.

[Images via SPC and College of DuPage]

UPDATE 12:43PM CDT: A Particularly Dangerous Situation ("PDS") Tornado Watch is now in effect for parts of Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama. The enhanced "PDS" language is only added to the most dangerous tornado outbreaks, and as such it's very rare to see.

When she announced her "conscious uncoupling" from Chris Martin last month, Gwyneth Paltrow emphatically didn't blame either party. Rumors of infidelity had dogged both parties, so Paltrow's ridiculously Gwyneth-esque high road seemed to make some sense.

But last night on BBC Radio 1, Martin sure sounded like he thinks it's all his fault. Here are his comments from the interview:

About two years ago I was a mess — really because I can't enjoy the thing that we are good at and I can't enjoy the great things around me because I'm burdened by this. … I've got to not blame anyone else and make some changes. I wouldn't use the word breakdown; this was more a realization about trying to grow up basically. If you can't open yourself up, you can't appreciate the wonder inside. So you can be with someone very wonderful, but because of your own issues you cannot let that be celebrated in the right way.

What changed for me was — I don't want to go through life being scared of it, being scared of love, being scared of rejection, being scared of failure. … Up to a certain point in my life I wasn't completely vulnerable and it caused some problems. … If you don't let love really in then you can't really give it back.

Sounds like he needs to take some time for himself.

[H/T Uproxx, image via AP]

Some of the best dogs on earth are shelter dogs. Also some of the craziest dogs. Today, we celebrate these wonderful, insane, great dogs, with their totally real descriptions from a local dog shelter.

The Brooklyn Animal Resource Coalition is a fine animal shelter in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Two years ago, we brought some of their bracingly honest descriptions of their dogs. The time has come to check in once again on BARC's current crop of dogs and their real descriptions on the shelter's website. We salute this shelter for their work with needy animals, as well as their commitment to truth in dogvertising.

Bob— foxhound/ beagle mix

"Bob is really energetic, loves to play and loves to howl. Bob was recently surrendered back after getting adopted, because he got to aggressive with the owner, but was good with her children and other pets. He just developed separation anxiety, that we are working on now."

Bob will howl through the night and possibly attack you, though your children are probably safe. Adopt Bob now.

Diamond— pit mix

"Diamond is still being monitored for heartworm and is getting treatment for it, she is getting stronger every day. She doesnt like other dogs or cats."

It is good that Diamond is getting stronger every day, unless you are a dog or cat, in which case Diamond's newfound strength will be used to kill you. Adopt Diamond today.

Greg— mutt

"Greg is not a difficult dog, but he has behavior problems built in that you can live with. He doesnt like to petted in the face, he will allow head pat but to an extent, which is difficult sometimes because he loves to rub his body on you asking for rubs."

"Difficult" is not the word for Greg. "Devious" would be more accurate. Does he want a rub? Sure, he wants a rub. "Pleeeease, give me a rub," he seems to say. Then you touch his head and lose a finger. Adopt Greg today.

Johann— shepherd/ mastiff mix

"Johann is a sweet, big love muffin. He, however doesn't like joggers running towards him and will stop with his mouth."

Johann? A big old sweetie pie. Joggers? Loves em. As long as they're headed away from him, preferably at top speed. Biting? No. He would never do that. He might stop you, though, using his mouth, quite naturally, since it is the only tool at his disposal. Adopt Johann today.

Leroy— good dog

"By any measure, Leroy is a great dog! He was originally found as a stray several years ago and was adopted from us and lived with the family for 2 years. Sadly, some of his needs were sorely neglected, and he ended up being returned to us overweight!... He has been on a diet since he was returned and he is looking great now, having lost nearly 20lbs. His diet will need to be monitored closely, because he just loves his food. Perhaps it was his time as a stray that made him food 'obsessed.' In fact, he needs to be stictly kept away from human foods so that he doesn't try to steal your dinner."

"I'm fucking serious, man." *Grabs you by the collar, glaring at you with crazed, bloodshot eyes* "Keep him away from your food." Adopt Leroy today.

Maggie— sweet girl

"Maggie is a sweet girl with a heart of gold. She has been with us for quite a long while and is now 5 years old. We have struggled finding her a good home, through no fault of her own. She is good with other dogs as long as they are not getting rough with her. She has had several dog roommates here, but she doesn't enjoy jumpy nervous dogs. She is a little overweight right now as she gets stubborn when it comes to walking. She is crazy about squirrels and pigeons and will try to catch one. She doesnt like cats, people on skateboards and little kids on bikes. She gets aggressive with anyone holding a waterhose and wants to bite the hose. She is very trainable and will listen to whoever is the hand that feeds."

Maggie is perfect for a home with no dogs, cats, children, windows through which a yard or street is visible, open doors, or sudden movements. Adopt Maggie today.

Vanna— chihuahua mix

"She is super sweet and friendly, but she does need time to bond with her people. If you come by the shelter to visit her, the way how she loves us is the way how she will love you."

Vanna doesn't like you. Adopt Vanna today.

These and other fine cats and dogs are available for adoption at BARC. Shelter dog adoption is next to godliness.

[Top photo via FB]