A woman who admitted to having sex with her roommates' dogs is also accused of attempting to poison the roommates after they found out about it.

Albuquerque police said Shari Walters, 53, tried to kill Beverly Bradley and Bradley's brother, Jeffrey, who also lives there, by putting rubbing alcohol in their water and toilet bowl cleaner in their food.

Walters was allegedly upset that Jeffrey, who she had been dating, had broken off their relationship after he found out she'd been fucking two German shepherds.

According to KOAT 7, Bradley told police she "caught Walters lying nude inside a shed on their property having sex with her dog, Spike."

According to the complaint, Walters then confessed she'd had sex with other dog, Jake, too, and said she'd done it "many times before."

The night after the incident, the Bradleys noticed something seemed off about their water, but drank it anyway. In their complaint, they said Walters asked them, "Aren't you going to eat?" and then attacked them and confessed the poisoning.

"I'll stop trying to kill you if Jeffrey would be with me," Walters said, according to Bradley.

KOAT reports both roommates are now receiving medical treatment for the alcohol and cleaning chemicals they ingested.

As for Jake and Spike, although Jeffrey was very concerned they might have contracted diseases he claims Walter had, they're both healthy and suffered only minor injuries.

Walters is charged with "aggravated battery, cruelty or extreme cruelty to animals, and assault with intent to commit a violent felony."

[Photo: KOAT 7]

Summer is ending, and soon America's teens will head back to the new-shoes-on-linoleum-floors hell that is high school. The only thing keeping our weary youth going is FLAMIN' HOT Cheetos®, and now, First Lady Michelle Obama has taken them away. Our nation's school vending machines will have healthy snacks this year.

According to NBC News, the government's new Smart Snacks in School guidelines require vending machine fare to be "less than 200 calories, have less than 35 percent saturated fat, zero grams of trans fat and contain some sort of nutritional value instead of just empty calories." Here's how our teens feel about that:

Michelle Obama the reason we got that nasty ass shit in the vending machines .😐😐😐😂😂💀

— boootttyyyyy (@crystxlll_) August 15, 2014

michelle obama sucks I want my hot fries back in the vending machines

— haley jay (@haleyyjay) August 6, 2014

i used to eat a pack of skittles a day and now they arent in the vending machines anymore fuck you michelle obama

— not kt (@KatieViens1) August 15, 2014

MICHELLE OBAMA HAS BANNED GOOD FOOD IN VENDING MACHINES, **decent** LUNCHES AND BAKE SALES THIS WOMAN IS THE EQUIVALENT OF SATAN

— sarah knox (@__sarahknox) August 14, 2014

Thanks Michelle Obama for removing takis and hot cheetos from the vending machines because ovi MVHS has a weight problem 😐

— Ryan (@ryadrew) August 14, 2014

healthy snacks in the vending machines at school ?!! seriously ? THANKS OBAMA @MichelleObama @BarackObama pic.twitter.com/NCJjA1HNmw

— paola garcia♛ (@_paolababee_) August 11, 2014

Naah Michelle Obama fucked out vending machines up i be hungry than a mf at lunch 😂 and in class

— La Perra (@JolaaaaaBaaaby) August 14, 2014

These teens are flippin' out! But maybe all hope is not lost:

Disclaimer: I saw the vending machines today and I wasn't too disappointed. I was kind of impressed. Obama isn't getting a letter yet.

— Jacob (@jacobunchained) August 13, 2014

For her part, the First Lady is excited about the change and hopes it will help fight childhood obesity. "I am so excited that schools will now be offering healthier choices to students and reinforcing the work we do at home to help our kids stay healthy," she said in a statement.

[Image via AP, ht Daily Mail]

According to E! News, Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin have been taking their beautiful, similar-looking faces, shoving them together, and making sure the mouths touch.

E! News reports that multiple sources have confirmed Lawrence and Martin have been seeing each other "since late June." This comes a few months after Chris Martin consciously uncoupled with Gwyneth Paltrow, his wife of ten years, and just a few weeks after we got word that Lawrence and former boyfriend Nicholas Hoult were done for good.

Congratulations to the happy couple, neither of whom any of us will ever meet.

Elsewhere: Gwyneth Paltrow is also reportedly seeing someone.

[images via Getty]

"A Denim Suit for Business Dudes? Ralph Lauren Thinks So." Nope.

For those of us who live along the East Coast, this has been a pretty nice summer. With constant shots of cool air and low humidity filtering in from the north (thanks, Canucks!), temperatures are staying right around normal. The West, on the other hand, is baking. How does this summer compare to summers past?

At the end of last month, we took a look at the summer up to that point to bust the myth that this is one of the coolest seasons we've ever seen. It's not, but it just feels like it because we're not roasting in back-to-back heat waves like we saw in recent years. Of course, that's not true for folks out west, where San Francisco, Portland, and Seattle are all measuring their hottest summers on record.

Based on a reader request earlier in the week, I took a look at all of the summers on record in 10 cities across the United States to see how 2014 stacks up against previous summers. I used data recorded at most area airports, with the exception of New York City, for which I used Central Park.

The charts use the average temperatures for meteorological summer, which ranges from June 1 through August 31. The average temperatures take into account both the highs and the lows each day of the month, which are averaged together to form a monthly average temperature; the resulting three monthly average temperatures are then averaged together again to arrive at the summer's average temperature.

A simplified way to understand it is that if the average temperature is 80 degrees, it means that the high was 90 and the low was 70 (90+70=160...160/2=80).

For 2014, the averages only run up through August 13. The values will likely change as we head into the second half of the month, but it gives us a good snapshot of where this summer is likely to land in the record books.

Let's take a look at where each of these 11 major U.S. cities stand so far this year.

Boston

This summer in Boston is sitting just a hair above average as of August 13, with an average temperature of about 71.4°F. As we found last month, summer 2014 in Boston is nowhere near the coolest nor the warmest on record: the two warmest summers on record are tied between 1949 and 1983, and the coolest was 1964.

New York City

In Central Park, temperatures so far this season are sitting just above average, clocking in little over 74°F. This summer is eclipsed by the warmest on record, which was 2010's 77.8°F. The coolest summer on record in NYC occurred in 1903, with average temperatures coming in just under 70°F.

Washington, D.C.

Further south along I-95 near Washington, D.C., we're looking at a summer that's about one degree cooler than average. Much like NYC, the warmest summer ever recorded at Dulles Airport (see this explainer for why I use Dulles instead of National) occurred in 2010, and the coolest was 1976.

For those of you who live in/around D.C. and would like to see a chart for National Airport instead of Dulles, here it is:

DCA is a few degrees warmer on the whole than IAD, but the patterns are roughly the same.

Chicago

It's been downright pleasant in Chicago, with average summertime temperatures sitting just under the average of 71.6°F. After a couple of years of seemingly-unrelenting heat, it's a welcome sight.

Dallas

Dallas is by far the warmest of the 10 cities I looked at for this post, with an average seasonal temperature of 84.1°F through August 13. The average at Love Field since the station began taking measurements in 1940 is 84.7°F, putting this year just a hair below average, much like we've seen with the other cities surveyed.

(Note for Dallasites: I used Love Field instead of DFW because Love has a longer record (1940) than DFW, which starts in the mid 1970s).

Mobile, Alabama

I threw in Mobile, Alabama because I spent five years there and it sits on the northern Gulf Coast, famous for its gross, mold-inducing weather. This summer in Mobile is well below average, with the season's temp so far this year sitting just a little below 80°F. The City of Six Flags normally sees an average summer temperature of 81.3°F. It looks like 2014 is on track to hold the seventh coolest summer ever recorded at Mobile Regional Airport since records began in 1948. The city's hottest summer on record was 2011, which was a downright awful year for Alabama.

Los Angeles

Over on the West Coast, we'll start with the warmer-than-average summer seen in Los Angeles so far this year. The city is experiencing one of its warmest summers on record, but it's still a far cry from 1959, which was Los Angeles' hottest summer on record.

San Francisco

In a change from last month's post on summertime temperatures, the warm weather in San Francisco over the past couple of weeks actually managed to eek out 1958 as the city's hottest summer on record. This can (and likely will) change over the next two weeks, but if 2014 doesn't end as San Francisco's hottest summer ever, it'll be darn close.

Portland, Oregon

Portland, Oregon also looks poised to set a record as the all-time hottest summer since the airport began taking observations in 1938. This season's average temperature comes in almost four degrees higher than the devilish summertime average of 66.6°F.

Seattle

As of August 13, Seattle actually ties last year as having the warmest summer ever recorded at Sea-Tac Airport. The fact that many residences in the city aren't equipped with air conditioning is a testament to the fact that it normally doesn't normally get this warm in Seattle — 2014 and 2013* both sit nearly four degrees warmer than average.

*Seattle Weather Blog informed me after posting this article that the sensor at the airport in Seattle was faulty last year, providing temp. readings higher than they really were. The NWS replaced the sensor this past March. In light of this, take 2013's summer measurements with a grain of salt.

So far, it still looks like everyone who doesn't live along the Pacific Ocean or the Gulf of Mexico will end the summer on a comfortable note. It's a seasonable year. This is what summer is supposed to feel like. Enjoy it, because winter is coming, and with winter comes three months of non-stop complaining.

[Top image by James Jardine via Flickr / all charts by the author | Edited at 457PM EDT to add a temperature chart for National Airport in D.C.]

You can follow the author on Twitter or send him an email.

A couple of weeks ago, I called up my 15-year-old sister. I wanted to ask her about a certain celebrity.

"Hey...are you playing that Kim Kardashian game?"

"Which one?"

"There's more than one?"

I could hear her suck her teeth through the phone, I could practically picture her rolling her eyes at me.

"You mean the Hollywood one? I was playing that WEEKS AGO."

"Oh, uh. Are you still playing it?"

"Yeah, I guess. It's kind of annoying because it makes you run out of energy really quickly..."

"Do you wanna hang out and watch the show maybe? You can tell me about the game?"

She sounded suspicious of my intentions, but she said yes. Partially, the entire thing was a ploy for me to gain some insight as to what R E A L T E E N S think of the game. But truthfully, part of it was that I'd been playing the game for weeks and was still a fucking E-Lister. Another truth: I was surprised to hear my sister criticize the game like that. The way people talk about these games online, you get this warped perception of the game's audience. You stop considering them as people, and instead think of them more like mindless, easily seduced zombies who don't know any better. That's why they must be playing games like this and spending money on them, right?

I asked my sister to play the game in front of me and tell me about it. Maybe I'd learn something I couldn't by playing it on my own, I figured. So she pulled out her white iPhone—which she informed me was brand new—and she showed me her character. She made sure to tell me about the specific things the character was wearing—the heels, the make-up, the jewelry—much in the same way someone might show you their character in Diablo or World or Warcraft.

For the last two weeks, it has seemed like everyone is talking about Kim Kardashian: Hollywood. Even our non-video-game sister sites have had been writing about it. Jezebel thinks it's hilarious. Gawker is fascinated by it. I ended up downloading it, since my friends couldn't seem to stop Tweeting about it or posting pictures of it online.

A typical Kim Kardashian: Hollywood screen looks a little like this:

Go to a party! Do a photoshoot! Go on a date! Travel the world! Kim Kardashian lets you do lots of things in the name of becoming an A-list celebrity. It's a vapid goal that is easy to criticize, until I remember how self-aware I am about things like how many Twitter followers I have, or my constant concern over being a widely-read author.

There are a lot of different interpretations of Hollywood. Some people say its design is sinister, and that the developers don't even try to hide the fact the game is a skinner box that can suck all your money away. Another interpretation: the game's design is intentional, and is meant to communicate the alienation and boredom that come with being a celebrity. (Okay, maybe that one's a stretch.)

But, eh. I'm not interested in most "intellectual" interpretations of the game. They seem completely divorced from the actual people who are enjoying playing it. I don't like the knee-jerk idea that anything popular has nothing of merit. And I'm definitely not interested in anyone who puts this game down simply because it's attached to Kim Kardashian.

That's how I ended up calling my sister a couple of weeks ago.

In 2011, my family relocated to Richmond, across the bay from San Francisco. The move meant different things for me and for my sister; I was home from college for the summer, and she was thirteen, still living at the whim of the adults in her life.

At the time I was angry that, between college and the new house, I no longer had a place that felt like "home." I refused to really unpack during the summer, or do much to acknowledge the space as my own. In my mind, Richmond was a place you wound up if you fell asleep on the BART train on the way to Berkeley or something, not a place where anyone would want to grow old.

My sister didn't like it either, but what could she do, really? She was thirteen. She had to live wherever her parents wanted her to. So, she made the best of it and plastered her room with One Direction and Justin Bieber posters, and she spent most of her time playing games on her phone, games that I didn't have the reflexes for.

It was a slow summer, but I remember it vividly because of my sister. There's nothing weirder than walking down the street with your sister, only to have some sleaze catcall her and realize, oh, yeah, she has breasts now, huh? But, more than that—it was like she became a real person in the years I was off in college. I didn't actually know who that person was, though.

It seemed like everything she was interested in was so...inconsequential. When I got back from college, the first thing she did was rub in my face the fact she had the newest iPhone, the newest Jordans. When we went out, she seemed to spend a lot of time texting, or taking pictures of herself and putting them on Instagram. And any time I tried talking to her about those things, there was always this feeling that she was humoring me. Whatever I was interested in was something she had already read about online a week beforehand. (A week is a year in teen time!) Mostly, though, she was silent, and I was left wondering what in the world went on in her head.

Looking back, I think I was pretty unfair to her.

After I called my sister for our Kardashian-date, we ended up watching a few episodes of Kim's reality show. I'd never seen it before and I was curious. I was surprised by how entertaining it was—it's not, like, the most intellectual thing in the world, but the producers sure know how to play up the drama. Mostly, though, I was fascinated by Kim Kardashian. She seemed to be everywhere, and yet I knew so little about as a person. It's not that I think anyone can actually get a sense of a celebrity through a TV screen, but they still put on specific acts, personalities. With Kim, it was different. The show is about her and yet, based on the episodes I watched, she remained an enigma.

"Do you know why she got famous?" I asked my sister.

"Yeah."

"The sex tape..."

"Yeah..."

"And you don't care?"

"Not really."

It was an awful question. I don't know what I was expecting—my sister is probably more web-savvy than I am, of course she fucking knows why Kim Kardashian got famous. I think, on some level, I was expecting it to be something like a gotcha—this woman you look up to, do you know what she did? As if we weren't watching a show about how she didn't let the sex tape ruin her, as if the game couldn't be interpreted as a testament to the fact that Kim Kardashian, even while living the life, technically never stops working.

Everyone likes to assert that Kardashian is "famous for being famous." But as Samantha Allen writes over at The Daily Dot, "It's not that Kardashian doesn't work; it's that her work is not recognized as legitimate within a sexist world that sees feminine culture and lifestyle as frivolous pursuits undeserving of any serious attention."

"She doesn't have a choice on whether or not she is scrutinized," Gita Jackson writes over at Paste. "She had a choice when her sex tape was released—be forever known as a woman who had a sex tape, or try and take control of that situation. She no longer gets to have "off the clock." When Mrs. Kardashian West wakes up, she is working. When she goes grocery shopping, she is working. When she is with her family, she is working. Every word she speaks and outfit she puts on and decision she makes must be made in respect to the fact that it will be recorded and analyzed."

"I mean...I think she's a nice person," my sister says. "I like her. I think she would have gotten famous anyway."

"UGH. THIRSTY-ASS BOYS ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO GET AT YOU IN THIS GAME. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOOOU," my sister yelled as she skipped some dude's dialogue without reading it in the game. I couldn't help but laugh. This was a girl that, up until this point, I was convinced was actually boy-crazy.

"So if you tap on things in the background, sometimes they give you money," she explained as she dug through a trashcan in the game for extra coins. I thought about how games like BioShock: Infinite and Fallout have more in common with the Kim Kardashian game than people realize.

She went on to show me her apartment, and all the other things she earned in the game without actually spending any money. She also chided me for still being an E-lister—she was an A-Lister with millions of fans. I felt weirdly emasculated about the whole thing. Then she stopped and looked up at me.

"I don't think I want to be famous or anything. I'm just having fun with this game. I saw a story about how this YouTuber broke down after he got too many followers. I think I'm fine being a nobody...but I do have three thousand followers on Instagram," she said.

"Never change," I chuckled.

You don't have to dig far into the reviews tab of Kim Kardashian: Hollywood in the app store to find something written by Katherine Pollock. Katherine Polluck is twelve years old. This is her review:

Before I read that review, the mere concept of Kim Kardashian: Hollywood made me roll my eyes. A mobile game about a celebrity? About Kim Kardashian, of all celebrities? Yeah, okay. I'm sure that'll be a great game and not just a total cash-in.

But after reading Katherine's review, I recalled that most folk on social media writing positively about the game—be it on Instagram or Twitter—seemed to be young girls. Middle-school girls. High school girls. Based on a Twitter and Instagram survey, it looked like they'd been playing Hollywood way before the rest of the world found out about it.

Society works hard to tell girls that their interests are stupid, vapid, and not worthy of respect. You want to be Arya Stark, not Sansa Stark, young women are told, even though in truth, both girls know what it means to be strong.

A mobile game about celebrity, a game that invites people to play dress-up and attend to photoshoots and parties? Forget it. The argument stops being about whether the game is fun (it is!) or empowering, and becomes about whether Hollywood is a game in the first place. Or, we talk about how manipulative it is, how it's designed to get you to spend money. We've been here before: It's The Sims, it's FarmVille, it's Candy Crush Saga. Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is everything wrong with modern gaming, and you can download it for free on the app store.

While the adults of the internet argue about the merits of Kim Kardashian and her game, teen girls everywhere continue to gleefully tap on their screens, unaware of our debates and our thinkpieces. They're too busy having fun.

Illustration by Sam Woolley. Photo via Getty.

Known asshole Gene Simmons opened his garbage mouth and let a whole buncha shitty garbage fall out of it in a recent interview with SongFacts.com.

In response to a question about whether or not he still gets along with the original members of Kiss, Simmons said he does not, because he doesn't "get along with anybody who's a drug addict and has a dark cloud over their head and sees themselves as a victim."

His defends his position by pointing out that his mother was in a concentration camp in Nazi Germany, so he doesn't want to hear from anyone who says "the world is a harsh place." (It seems like he should want to hear from those people especially!) He continues:

"For a putz 20-year-old kid to say, 'I'm depressed. I live in Seattle.' Fuck you, then kill yourself. I never understand, because I always call them on their bluff. I'm the guy who says 'Jump' when there's a guy on top of a building who says, 'That's it, I can't take it anymore. I'm going to jump.' Are you kidding? Why are you announcing it? Shut the fuck up, have some dignity and jump! You've got the crowd," Simmons said. "By the way, you walk up to the same guy on a ledge who threatens to jump and put a gun to his head, 'I'm going to blow your fuckin' head off.' He'll go, 'Please don't.' It's true. He's not that insane."

SongFacts.com followed his answer with, "Are you guys recording anything new?"

[h/t RollingStone, image via Getty]

Last weekend, former NASCAR champion Tony Stewart struck and killed another driver during a horrific sprint car crash, making much of the racer's future uncertain. For many, however, the only question was whether Stewart would continue to compete, which was seemingly answered Thursday when Empire News reported "Tony Stewart to Announce Retirement."

The online response was immediate and emotional, resulting in a near-deluge of bitter cyber-tears.

Tony Stewart retiring and sold 50% of Stewart haas racing. POOR TONY 😭😭😭😭 YOUR FANS LOVE YOU. You are such an amazing person and driver

— Kimberly Orellana (@KimberlyO_16) August 15, 2014

The word is that Tony Stewart is retiring from racing!? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 NOO!!!!

— Jake Daugherty (@OMG_ITZ_JAKEE) August 15, 2014

OMG tony Stewart is retiring😭😭😭😭😭 this breaks my heart NASCAR will never be the same

— KŸRÅ (@kyritaaa) August 15, 2014

Cannot believe Tony Stewart is retiring all because that drug addict moron got out and ran infront of him. Very disappointing and sad.

— ✌Paris (@ParisRoxanne0) August 15, 2014

Empire News cited a number of sources to support their claim, including ESPN's Nicole Briscoe and NASCAR Hall of Famer Rusty Wallace, who reportedly said, "I talked with Tony yesterday and he made it clear, he is done with racing." Fortunately for the Internet's Stewart supporters and their beleaguered emoji, Empire News are a bunch of filthy liars.

Yesterday, both Wallace and Briscoe dismissed the article on Twitter, the latter saying point-blank "the 'story' regarding Tony Stewart's impending retirement is a hoax."

For the record, I have neither spoken with Tony Stewart nor AP regarding his retirement. Any such statement is a hoax.

— Rusty Wallace (@RustyWallace) August 15, 2014

To be clear, the "story" regarding Tony Stewart's impending retirement is a hoax. I've had no such talks with Darrell Waltrip or the AP.

— Nicole Briscoe (@RB_Mrs) August 15, 2014

Sadly, some NASCAR fans still didn't get the message, moving directly into the bargaining stage of stock car racing grief.

@TonyStewart Tony. Pease if the rumer is not true. Dont retire. Take the rest the season off. But no retire.

— smokeracing1420 (@mcgee1420) August 15, 2014

[Image via AP]

Antiviral is a new blog devoted to debunking fake news, online hoaxes and viral garbage. Follow us on Facebook and Twitter and send your tips to hudson.hongo@gawker.com.

Disguised as workers in a white van, a team of eight masked gunmen pulled off the largest heist in Chilean history without firing a single shot. The BBC reports that the money was on route to banks and mining operations in Copiapó, a rich silver and copper mining district in northern Chile.

The van, seen below surrounded by investigators, was found abandoned in a field after the robbery this Tuesday.

Chile's Interior Minister Rodrigo Penailillo described the gang responsible for the heist as "highly organized" and—wow—he is not kidding. Airport security footage shows they were done in two minutes.

[Photos via Reuters]

To contact the author of this post, email matthew.phelan@gawker.com, pgp public key here.

This weekend we've got so much television we could be watching, even if it's tempting to stay outside since it's early into the summer but still so sunny and the days are so long. Uh, hunky teen robots, mean Nickelodeon employees, a list of mean ex-husbands, an idea for a great movie, a fantasy about small goats and at least one joke about the Doritos Girl.

FRIDAY

At 8/7c. there's a freak-ass movie on Disney Channel called How To Build A Better Boy, which is not what you think: It's actually about two girls that hack the fucking NSA and build their own hot teen supersoldier boyfriend. For real that is the movie. How To Build A Movie Jacob Will Be Watching The Shit Out Of. Then at 8:45 after that, Girl Meets "Maya's Mother." (Girl keeps Meeting super grim people and things so probably Maya's Mother will have some problems and Girl will actually be Meeting those problems, as personified by Maya's Mother.)

At 9/8c. there are a couple of things: TLC's sixth season of Four Weddings opens up with a double episode, and over on Health there's an episode of Untold Stories of the ER titled "Why Am I Blue?" which immediately calls to mind two radically different possibilities about what is happening in this formerly untold story of the ER. Then you've got nothing really after that. Well, Legend of Korra, assuming that's still going up online.

The next step for Nickelodeon will be, anybody that even thinks about watching that show, which is fucking great by the way, some guy from corporate shows up at your house in a suit and tie and then—without ever breaking eye contact—squats and takes a shit on your floor. "Enjoy your precious fucking show, nerd," he scoffs, walks out again, gets in the van with a giant orange splatter NICK logo on the side, drives ten feet, gets out at your neighbor's house, does the same thing again. That's their business plan I heard.

SATURDAY

At 7/6c. there's another Kid President—is it good? I bet it's good—and then at 8/7c. a very important Lifetime movie called Sole Custody in which Julie Benz's mean ex-husband (played by some hardcore-looking Canadian dude who is not even a tenth as hot as her same ex-husband on Dexter or one-squintillionth as hot as her ex-fiancé on Defiance but is probably about equal to her ex on Buffy, sorry for that burn but this is a definitive ranking of Julie Benz's most prominent TV ex-husbands) fakes her kid's DEATH just to FUCK UP HER LIFE. Doesn't that sound amazing? If no, then there's a double-sized premiere of Animal Planet's vomtastic Too Cute!

Notes. 1: I was just trying to act all tough before, I would actually very much enjoy a double episode of Too Cute! especially because this season is subtitled Pint-Sized! and that seems like a lot of cute in one place. I have a fantasy where pygmy goats run back and forth all over me. (I am a cedar-plank deck.)

2: I want to write a movie for let's say the Chiller network called Soul Custody about... Hmm. A lady who... Oh, I got it. This is good. The lady's ex-husband is dead and he's trying to Carol Anne/Wait Till Helen Comes their kid into dying so he can have her, but not because he loves the kid that much, just because it's like, the echo of their rancorous divorce. All his ghost wants is to fuck with the lady because she broke his heart when their marriage didn't work out and he feels powerless. That is legitimately a horrible, scary idea and you can't have it. Starring Julie Benz as a lady whose dead ex (Ian Bohen) is a real piece of work, and one of the lesser Fannings as the contested child. Sold to Chiller for Guild minimum but really, a bargain at any price.

At 9/8c. is Hell on Wheels, Outlander, a double episode of DA's most inoffensive show Hillbilly Blood ("Mountain Machete"/"Hillbilly Houseboat"), something called Great White Matrix on Discovery's embarrassing week of shark shams and hoaxes and BS, and most importantly the second season premiere of LMN's most popular show about imaginary things inside of children, The Ghost Inside My Child, which has the gorgeous title of: "Plane Crash And Sacred Ash." The most wonderful, mellifluous, slightly mystical five-word sequence since "You're everywhere and nowhere, Dawson!" which I think about a lot (and sometimes say quietly to myself when the going gets tough, as it sometimes can in this life).

Then at 10/9c. a Dead Files on Abilene TX, a lovely place if you are into the flat cowboy treeless deadness and giant blazing sky of west Texas, as I most certainly am, or if you aren't serious about life you can watch some bullshit called Sharksanity! on of course Discovery. Discover these nuts, Discovery. That's my pitch for you right now. Otherwise it's Katt Williams's HBO standup special, or on LMN The Haunting of: Michael Søren Madsen.

SUNDAY

Bravo continues their noontime showings of Real Housewives Of Melbourne, which is occupying this fantastic place in the public consciousness (of people who would even be talking about this) as a sort of mythical City of Gold, an El Dorado if you will in the middle of your Domingo, that some rare few have seen and when they come back everyone wants to hear what they saw. Was it grand, was it a little scary, what did they talk like, what is their take on gender issues, do they eat weird food, are there fountains of Vegemite and Nutella as in legend.

That night, at 7/6c. there's an Ovation interview with Matthew Modine, which I only point out because we share a birthday with Reese Witherspoon and it makes me feel like the three of us are in an exclusive club (that they are also aware of) and one day we will have a sleepover and prank-call William Shatner who is not in our club despite having our same birthday, and I will finally know peace.

At 8/7c. it's Big Brother, obviously, a new Real Housewives of New Jersey, and the fourth-season premiere of the most risibly awful television show ever devised, Rachael vs. Guy Celebrity Cook-Off, in which each week garbage humans Rachael and Guy find a different thing to fuck up and then fuck it up. This week it's roadkill. Scraping roadkill off the road, dousing it in EVOO and Sriracha, and then serving it up to a panel of judges including A Raccoon, The Garbage, Some Snakes, and eight-year-old boy Anthony Bourdain who is just there to try and impress you with his ability to eat weird gross things, just like in real life. He has no reservations, not even about roadkill; if you ask him to make a muscle he will flex for you and you can say, "So strong!" Nah, I'm good.

Much more attractive to me is a show on my favorite network, CMT, called Steve Austin's Broken Skull Challenge that I did not make up (or else it would just be actual porn) which this week is entitled "Welcome To The Gun Show." Don't mind if I do; don't mind if I do take you up on that Challenge regarding my Skull, Mr. Austin.

At 9/8c. we say a sad farewell to Travel Channel's life-changing freshman documentary soon to win a technical Emmy or two, if not a straight-up motherfucking Pulitzer, Bikinis & Boardwalks: But we don't walk away with nothing. We have the memories—of bikinis and of boardwalks; of body shots and booty shots; of breasts and thighs and parts—and two last thrilling episodes: Brazilian Beach Blowout and Bikinis Shark Dive. Otherwise it's Kardashian this, Last Ship that, Musketeers over here, Witches of East End over there, an episode of Ray Donovan called "Viagra" that will most certainly focus on Jon Voight's aged penis, and the penultimate True Blood.

Or if those things are too trivial for you, Oprah will be tracking down the Now Where-abouts of Jermaine Jackson, George Takei, Ali Landry, Former Teen Idol Rex Smith and Jason Blair. I can say without judgment or even a mean tone in my voice that I don't give a shit where any of those people are now.

• Ali Landry Found Catching Doritos in Her Mouth for Spare Change on South American Street Corner
• Jason Blair Found Pretending Not to Be Jason Blair; Found Lying to Oprah; Found Guilty of Lying to Oprah; Found Abandoned by Oprah's People in the Wilderness, Too Hungry to Even Lie About Stuff. Or Is He
• George Takei Found At His Desktop Madly Reposting Everything He Sees on the Entire Internet Like the Batty Old Gay Uncle of America That He Just Actually Is

At 10/9c. e! gives us another #richkids before the Botched! finale. Something called "Superhero Sabotage" on something called Cutthroat Kitchen on something called a Food Network. Falling Skies, Masters of Sex, Zombie Dick Vampire Toilet Show, and Manhattan. The grand guignol known as Bravo's adult pageant nightmare circus Game of Crowns is also on, but don't watch it necessarily. There's also The Leftovers, which with only three episodes left, was renewed earlier this week for a second season, which means it will only hurt for a little while and not forever.

Then there's the obligatory John Oliver at 11/10c., opposite the season finale of Robot Chicken—which I don't watch, but not for any real reason, it seems fine and I guess funny—which is titled "Chipotle Miserables," which to me is fairly impressive wordplay, because I guess because I think of myself as fairly cosmopolitan but also thrifty, and also I think Chipotle is disgusting.

Me, I like Qdoba, which I can tell you because we are conversing in text form and so I don't have to have anxiety about how to say the unsayable word Qdoba that would normally cause me to panic and pretend to like Chipotle just so I don't have to think about how you could possibly say that word in real life. Have a wonderful weekend. Oh right and between you and me I think you're looking particularly great lately, so I say get out there and shake it, ya maniac.

Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. What are you watching tonight? What are we missing out on? Recommendations and discussions down below.

We've all had moments of insatiable curiosity about one dangerous or at least highly-unadvisable thing or another in our lifetimes, mostly in our childhood.

It's that intense curiosity that comes from things like wondering what would happen if you, say, light a bit of cap-gun tape on fire in your desk at school in fourth grade. Or float a lit cherry bomb on a little raft in a bucket of gasoline. Or explode a 20 pound ball of Black Cat firecrackers all at once. Or urinate on an electric fence…

(Answers: Detention, a grass fire, a lifetime of tinnitus and a numb dick…)

These things are usually followed, of course, by richly-deserved feelings of shame and stupidity.

Budd James Nesius, 33, told a U.S. District Court judge this week that it was that sort of compulsive curiosity that drove him to steal 550 pounds of explosives from a U.S. Forest Service bunker near Red Lodge, Montana.

"I guess curiosity got the best of me, and I took it way too far," Nesius told Judge Susan Watters in court on Thursday, the Casper Star-Tribune reports.

Prosecutors contend that Nesius, who pleaded guilty to possession of stolen explosives, was driven by a bit more than curiosity—claiming that he tried to sell the explosives at least once, an allegation that the Wyoming man denied.

According to court records, Nesius and a friend went camping on April 26 of 2013 near Red Lodge. While the two were looking for a camp site, they happened to stumble upon the bunker—which was marked with signs warning about the explosives.

Nesius later returned to the bunker with a pair of bolt cutters, and stole 10 boxes of explosives and nearly 4,000 feet of detonation cord.

Authorities say that Nesius, after hearing that authorities were on to him, had his brother—in a moment of extreme curiosity indeed—get rid of the hot explosives by dumping them along the side of a road in the middle of the night.

Nesius is set to be sentenced in December. He could face up to 10 years in prison and a $250,000 fine.

Image via Casper Star-Tribune

What happened to just letting a shitty idea die? For Kevin Rose, giving up the dream of owning a thriving app incubator is something he can't let go of. The former television personality's last company, Milk, released one app before the entire company shut down. Now after two years of investing, Rose is rehashing his old doomed business plan with a new company.

The Digg co-founder's new company, North, is going to be modeled off Milk, a "mobile app incubator" that was effectively firesold to Google and killed off. Like Milk, North will be "building a series of mobile and social products," according to TechCrunch, hoping that one maybe takes off:

In an interview with Rose, he told me the plan is to start with a small team of about three and to create a new product each quarter. And if one of those products becomes a hit, Rose says he'll recruit a team and try to build a company around it.

Rose is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Maybe this mobile incubator will be different. And maybe it will be, despite the fact that 47 percent of app developers earn next to nothing.

Gambling on a series of startups is an inherently risky move—especially when considering Rose's only real success as an entrepreneur came from Revision3, which sold to Discovery Networks for $35 million after seven years in business. As TechCrunch noted, Rose is better known for being "a highly successful investor," and he just spent a little over two years as a partner at Google Ventures.

However, Re/code's Kara Swisher reports Rose just had get back into the startup game:

He said he missed creating companies. "It's different to be an investor and sit on the sidelines, when you are having coffee with entrepreneurs and hearing all their ideas," said Rose. "It's not the same as being on the field."

He had, he added, to "scratch that itch as an entrepreneur."

Clearly, he was very itchy.

An insane itch he can't stop scratching. Maybe Rose has some sort of startup STD.

To contact the author of this post, please email kevin@valleywag.com.

Photo: Thomas Hawk

A state grand jury indicted Texas Gov. Rick Perry on two felony charges of abuse of power late Friday afternoon. The charges, one count each of abuse of official capacity and coercion of a public servant, stem from allegations that Perry tried to force Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg to resign in 2013.

From KXAN:

At the center of the issue is a complaint about intimidation stemming from Perry's threat to veto of $7.5 million in state funding to the Public Integrity Unit run by Lehmberg's office. The threat came after she pleaded guilty to drunk driving and served a 45-day sentence; Perry called on her to step down but she refused to resign her position. Perry then vetoed the funding for the PIU.

According to the New York Times, when Perry vetoed the unit in 2013, the PIU was investigating accusations of mismanagement and corruption related to one of Perry's landmark initiatives, the Cancer Prevention and Research Institute of Texas

Perry's General Counsel, Mary Anne Wiley, released a statement shortly after the indictment. "The veto in question was made in accordance with the veto authority afforded to every governor under the Texas constitution," she said. "We will continue to aggressively defend the governor's lawful and constitutional action, and we believe we will ultimately prevail.

Perry, the longest serving governor in Texas history, faces 109 years in prison if convicted, according to KXAN.

[Image via Getty]

Protesters in Ferguson, Mo. are standing their ground against both police and looters Friday night, refusing to disperse despite orders and attempting to protect local businesses from what the Washington Post's Wesley Lowery—who took the above photo, of a local resident standing guard—described as "drunk kid" looters.

Though tensions had ratcheted down when the local police force was pulled from Ferguson in favor of the Missouri Highway State Patrol, the Friday revelation of the name of the officer who killed unarmed 18-year-old Michael Brown—and the Ferguson Police Chief's insistence on releasing a video of Brown participating in a petty convenience-store theft—galvanized the protesters, who took to Ferguson's streets earlier in the week following Brown's shooting death.

Late Friday night, according to reports of journalists on the scene, police told protesters blocking a main street to return home. Protesters refused, and, nearby some looters broke into a beauty store and a meat market—only for other community members to barricade themselves in front of the stores (including the convenience store from which Michael Brown was accused of stealing) to stop looting. Though residents managed to protect some stores, others were ransacked, with looters apparently hitting the meat market particularly hard.

As of 4 a.m., the standoff between police and protesters was still in effect.

Lowery, the reporter who was bizarrely arrested on Wednesday in a McDonald's, returned to the scene, where his live reports continued to be the most important, and fascinating, writing coming out of the town. The Los Angeles Times' Matt Pearce, USA Today's Yamiche Alcindor, and Animal's Amy K. Nelson have all also done essential reporting during the standoff.

Officers telling protesters they must back up/return to homes or else they'll be arrested

— Wesley Lowery (@WesleyLowery) August 16, 2014

Officer on megaphone insists everyone must clear roadway. Warns media (who are standing to side) not exempt from "arrest or other actions"

— Wesley Lowery (@WesleyLowery) August 16, 2014

Dozens of protesters, standing about a football field away from wall of police videos pic.twitter.com/GC65yNolJf

— Wesley Lowery (@WesleyLowery) August 16, 2014

Crowd is blocking street, but important: remain at least a block from officers. Nothing thrown etc since I've been out here

— Wesley Lowery (@WesleyLowery) August 16, 2014

Cops nowhere near. Crowd policing ITSELF. Community leaders and NIO/Panthers PREVENTING LOOTING

— Wesley Lowery (@WesleyLowery) August 16, 2014

there are a few rogue dudes who want to fuck shit up most residents trying to stop, stop looting stop violence.

— Amy K. Nelson (@AmyKNelson) August 16, 2014

"Ain't nobody going in this motherfucker, bro" - resident guarding beauty store pic.twitter.com/NMS55aH1Tg

— Wesley Lowery (@WesleyLowery) August 16, 2014

Hundreds in the streets. Only a few dozen attempting to loot. Dozens more physically trying to prevent

— Wesley Lowery (@WesleyLowery) August 16, 2014

The majority of those looting are drunk kids

— Wesley Lowery (@WesleyLowery) August 16, 2014

Attempt to loot store that Michael Brown allegedly stole from stopped by community members

— Wesley Lowery (@WesleyLowery) August 16, 2014

Can deployed by police when they fired whatever it is they fired tonight pic.twitter.com/hQ5aSkFTRm

— Wesley Lowery (@WesleyLowery) August 16, 2014

There are literally two while makes, with covered faces, threatening reporters

— Wesley Lowery (@WesleyLowery) August 16, 2014

pic.twitter.com/qB8xyK6DbS

— Wesley Lowery (@WesleyLowery) August 16, 2014

The people who aren't doing anything wrong want us to emphasize that there are people who have been trying to protect the stores.

— Matt Pearce (@mattdpearce) August 16, 2014

There is also immense, immense frustration at white journalists documenting looting.

— Matt Pearce (@mattdpearce) August 16, 2014

it's clearly looters vs locals right now feels looters have power ... they're doing donuts in the road someone is gonna get hit

— Amy K. Nelson (@AmyKNelson) August 16, 2014

Vice also has a fascinating livestream.

Five aid workers, who were in Afghanistan working on behalf of the International Committee of the Red Cross, were abducted in the Herat province on Saturday, a spokesperson said. The Red Cross is working on securing their release.

According to Marek Resich, a spokesperson for the ICRC, the aid workers had been traveling by road on Friday night when they were abducted by a local armed group.

Via the Associated Press:

The aid workers were delivering sheep to local villages when they were stopped by the gunmen, said Raouf Ahmadi, a police spokesman in Herat province. He said the gunmen took both the workers and the sheep, which could indicate that the abduction was part of a robbery as opposed to a militant attack.

Resich confirmed that the ICRC is "currently in contact at various levels to secure the safe release of its team."

[Image via AP]

After a weeklong manhunt spurred by an accusation of severe abuse, mixed martial arts fighter Jon "War Machine" Koppenhaver was arrested yesterday in Simi Valley, California.

According to KTLA, Koppenhaver was arrested on Friday afternoon at a Simi Valley motel, nearly a week after his ex-girlfriend, porn star Christy Mack, accused him of brutally attacking her in her Las Vegas home. KTLA reports that a news release from the U.S. Marshals Service states Koppenhaver was "arrested without incident."

Nicolle Blankenship, a guest at the hotel who reportedly witnessed the arrest, spoke to KTLA about what she saw:

"And they were like banging on the door, trying to get it open, and they're like, 'Open the door, open the door. Finally when they got it open they yelled, 'Gun,' and then all of a sudden you see them shoot him with a Taser. And he got shot with a Taser and he went down to the floor, and then they handcuffed him."

Another hotel guest, Mary Casamento, told KTLA that she called police after "seeing a 'big dude' yelling at and pushing a petite woman who was trying to calm him down." She reports also seeing him grab the woman by the hair.

The Huffington Post reports that Koppenhaver was taken to the Ventura County Jail, but will eventually be transported to Las Vegas.

[image via Twitter]

An arrest has been made in the case of the abduction of two Amish girls in Oswegatchie, N.Y. As reported by the Associated Press, Delila and Fannie Miller, aged 7 and 12, were found safe 24 hours after their abduction on Wednesday, when they turned up at a stranger's house in Hermon, N.Y., about 13 miles away from their family's farm stand.

The search for the girls was complicated by the traditions and customs of the Old Order Amish community. According to the New York Times, no photographs of the girls existed, hindering the search, while rescue workers and local police were combing the area with the most limited of physical descriptions. Police persuaded the family to speak with a sketch artist who spoke Pennsylvania Dutch, and a sketch of the oldest child was released.

St. Lawrence County police chief Kevin Walls stated that there was "definite potential" of additional victims besides the two sisters, and went on to say that the motive was "to take these girls from their home and victimize these girls."

Stephen Howells II and Nicole Vaisey of Hermon were charged with two counts of first-degree kidnapping with the intent to physically harm or sexually abuse, and have been jailed without bond. Their preliminary hearing is set for Thursday.

[Photo via AP]

The young American couple accused of murdering the girlfriend's mother and stuffing her body into a suitcase could potentially face the death penalty in Indonesia if found guilty of a premeditated murder charge.

Heather Mack, 19, and Tommy Schaefer, 21, have been held since Friday after a taxi driver in Bali discovered a suitcase in his trunk with the body of Sheila von Wiese-Mack, Heather's mother, stuffed inside. The couple had alleged that von Wiese-Mack was murdered by robbers.

The chief of police in Denpasar, Bali's capital, said there was enough evidence to charge Schaefer and Mack with premeditated murder, the Associated Press reports.

According to Saturday's autopsy, it was discovered that von Wiese-Mack "died of asphyxiation from a broken nose bone resulting from a blunt blow." If found guilty, the maximum penalty for Mack and Schaefer in Indonesia would be the death penalty.

[Image via AP]

Aw, shucks. What's four adults gotta do around here to have a little Lego fun?

AZFamily.com reports police in Phoenix, Arizona have arrested four chill dudes—Garry Fairbee, 35; Tarah Dailey, 33; Melissa Dailey, 34; and Troy Koehler, 40—accused of hatching and carrying out a massive scheme to steal pricey Lego sets from local Toys "R" Us stores. "To play with?" you're probably wondering. No! To joylessly resell, for profit.

From AZFamily:

They are accused of removing the theft detection devices from the Lego sets, causing damage to the packaging. In most incidents, they put the Lego sets in either large gift bags and then in shopping carts, or inside shopping carts and then covered with the gift bags. The suspects would then flee the business without setting off the security alarm.

Police had reportedly been working on the case for more than four months when detectives used surveillance video to identify Fairbee and Tarah Dailey. They discovered the pair was selling the stolen Lego sets to Troy Koehler, who would then either sell the sets online, or return them to Toys "R" Us stores for a refund.

The group was caught in action on Thursday night when police followed Fairbee and Melissa Dailey to a meeting place where they sold stolen Legos to Koehler. AZFamily reports that after obtaining search warrants on the residences of Fairbee and Koehler, as well as Koehler's storage lockers, approximately 18 pallets of Legos were recovered:

It is estimated that the recovered Legos have a retail value of around $200,000 of which at least $40,000 is believed to have been stolen. The rest of the Legos may have been purchased legitimately, or obtained fraudulently. Evidence from this investigation shows only $40,000 in stolen merchandise.

AZFamily reports the schemers are facing charges of "organized retail theft, trafficking in stolen property, fraudulent schemes, and illegal control of an enterprise."

Hmm. But who will play them in The Lego Movie: Not the Fun One, the One About the Weird, Complicated Scheme?

[image via AZFamily]

Residents of Westchester County, N.Y. have been dealing with a severe uptick in the bat population, according to CBS New York. August has seen nearly 50 cases of bat invasions with no real end in sight.

According to Austin Jahner of Tri-State Wildlfe, a baby bat can fit into a space the size of your pinky. A hole in your screen door that maybe lets in a few flies at night is essentially a VIP entry for teen bats. The bats can breed fast and create a colony in the corner of your guest room, or under your patio umbrella, a teeming mass of furry yet leathery bodies, all of which are possibly rabid.

While your natural instinct is to shriek and kill without remorse, the Westchester County Board of Health advises otherwise. All you need is some gumption, a coffee can, and the willingness to trap, bag, and freeze the fucker for testing.

Assistant Commissioner Pete DeLucia of the Westchester County Board of Health warns against smashing them into oblivion. "We don't want anybody taking a rolled up magazine or their shoe and smashing the bat because we need the head of that bat intact so we can test it," he said. In other words, bring us the heads of your bats, Westchester County residents.

If you're lucky enough to encounter one of these precious angels in your home, you can follow these instructions on how to remove them from your home, or watch as this calm woman removes a bat with only an empty yogurt tub and a flimsy piece of cardboard.

[Image via Shutterstock]