Joe Biden has sent you an email. But, because he’s an addled old man and a politician, he did it in the stupidest possible way.

First, he had this other guy, Ted Kaufman, write it, and instructed Kaufman to talk about him in the third person. Then, instead of sending it directly to you, he had Kaufman send it to a circle of other people, while specifically leaving the intended target of the email (you) off the list. And then, to make extra sure you got it, via this ridiculous, circuitous route, he had Kaufman give the email to another group, the Associated Press, also not on the list, but who he could trust to get it, finally, to you.

So that’s how the Associate Press wound up with this email—ostensibly from Ted Kaufman, seemingly intended for a small circle of people for whom it will have no value—which they are now tasked with presenting to you, the intended recipient of the email, in as breathless a fashion as possible.

But not by email! Instead, by posting the details of the email—but not the email itself! still not the email—in a published story that would be picked up and circulated among other publications, so that you would eventually see it and read it. “APNewsBreak: Top Biden aide lays out potential 2016 platform,” wink wink.

And he did all this with the bizarre intention that you, the intended recipient of the email, would think that the information in the email was not intended for you.

It’s possible Joe Biden has a crush on you. I’m just saying.

The email says nothing at all—nothing—that you didn’t know already: Joe Biden may or may not run for President of the United States, but there sure are some people who really hope he does. And if Joe Biden should run—which he may not, though lots of people want him to—he will carry his blue-collar charm and populist message to the people in an authentic way. Because Joe Biden is a great man, you see. Do you see? Oh no, our eyes met. This is DEVASTATING.

Ask yourself, why on earth would Joe Biden’s friend be emailing Joe Biden’s former aides with this kind of thing:

“If he runs, he will run because of his burning conviction that we need to fundamentally change the balance in our economy and the political structure to restore the ability of the middle class to get ahead,” Kaufman said.

He wants you to like him. Do you see him staring at you with big, cartoon, heart-shaped eyes?

“If he decides to run, we will need each and every one of you—yesterday!” Kaufman wrote.

Especially you.

Since this is the million-billionth dispatch from inside Biden’s political orbit, and it is substantially indistinguishable from the previous 999,999-billion dispatches, and it is clearly intended for you and not any of the people to whom it was actually sent, I am left to surmise that Joe Biden, more than anything, would like for you to ask him out for a malt.

[AP]

Photo via AP

Drama at the FBI—according to the New York Times, the agency is livid because it feels undermined by President Obama—again.

http://gawker.com/president-obam...

The controversy? Barack Obama’s 60 Minutes interview about Hillary Clinton’s email server. The outcome? A “foul taste in the F.B.I.’s mouth.”

“I don’t think it posed a national security problem,” Obama said on the program, angering FBI agents who have apparently not yet decided if they think it posed a national security problem.

“Injecting politics into what is supposed to be a fact-finding inquiry leaves a foul taste in the F.B.I.’s mouth and makes them fear that no matter what they find, the Justice Department will take the president’s signal and not bring a case,” Ron Hosko, a former agent and current president of the Law Enforcement Legal Defense Fund tells the Times.

And it’s not even the first time they’ve been disrespected at their own event, they complain. Via the Times:

But Mr. Obama’s remarks in the Clinton email case were met with particular anger at the F.B.I. because they echoed comments he made in 2012, shortly after it was revealed that a former C.I.A. director,David H. Petraeus, was under investigation, accused of providing classified information to a mistress who was writing a book about him.

“I have no evidence at this point, from what I’ve seen, that classified information was disclosed that in any way would have had a negative impact on our national security,” the president said at a 2012 news conference, as the F.B.I. was trying to answer that very question about Mr. Petraeus.

Petraeus was ultimately charged with a misdemeanor, despite the FBI’s recommendations that he face felony charges.

So what does this all amount to? Pretty much nothing. The FBI will decide what it will, the Justice Department will decide what it will and never the twain shall meet, unless Justice feels like it.

He’s not here for the right reasons, cries the FBI, while Obama, I’m assuming, keeps living his life.

Image via AP. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

Deadspin Billy Beane Is One Of The Biggest Water Wasters In The Bay Area | Gizmodo The Many, Many Times Astronomers Mistook Mundane Phenomena for Aliens | Jalopnik Road-Raging Truck Spins Car, Flies Off Road Into Dealership Of More Cars | Jezebel Bernie Sanders Reaches Peak Bernie Sanders in Incredibly Charming Ellen Appearance |

Word of Life Christian Church, the upstate New York congregation where two teenaged brothers were allegedly brutally beaten by their parents and others, one fatally, had a creepy reputation among its neighbors in New Hartford. According to one former member, the goings on inside were even more chilling than the rumors suggested.

Chadwick Handville, a congregant who defected from Word of Life in 2000, spoke extensively to the New York Times about his time there. According to Handville, members were forced to perform physical labor in the service of Jerry Irwin, the church’s late founding pastor, who used the third floor of Word of Life’s former school building as his family’s personal living quarters. Handville and others performed the work necessary to make the space livable for no pay, he said.

That included redoing the floors, plumbing, electrical wiring, gas lines and structural work, Mr. Handville said. Mr. Irwin also demanded that parishioners mow the grass, paint walls and perform routine maintenance work. He often forced them to break building codes and flout guidance from inspectors, Mr. Handville said.

Mr. Handville, who spoke earlier to The Utica Observer-Dispatch about the church, said he would sometimes arrive there after trying to spend time with his wife or children, or from working his day job, only to be forced into more hours of physical labor at the church. Depriving congregants of sleep appeared to be part of a plan to control them.

Handville emphatically described Word of Life as a cult, not a church. He said that congregants—some of whom also lived in the building—were emotionally abused, placed in isolation and forbidden to speak to others or publicly insulted and called racial slurs from the pulpit.

Bruce and Deborah Leonard, who are charged with killing their 19-year-old son Lucas and seriously injuring his 17-year-old brother Christopher during a counseling session, were frequent targets of abuse, Handville said. According to police, the brothers were beaten because Lucas was considering leaving the church.

Handville told the Times that he required counseling to relearn a “gentler form of Christianity” when he left the church. Word of Life “ruined a lot of lives,” he said.

AP Images. Contact the author at andy@gawker.com.

The presidential campaign of timid celebrity child Jeb Bush has released an official physician’s letter stating that Jeb is in “excellent” physical condition. Excellent, Jebediah? Big talker.

The letter, from Jeb’s NOT unbiased physician who is PAID by Jeb Bush, says that the bespectacled nerd is “a healthy and vigorous 62-year-old man” in “excellent physical and mental condition” who has been “has been exercising regularly.” It further brags that “The exercise time on the treadmill was greater than 12 minutes as Mr. Bush achieved 13.7 METS, indicating a capacity to complete high intensity physical activity.”

First of all get over yourself.

Second of all big deal. So you did 12 minutes on a treadmill. I see old guys at the gym every day doing way more minutes than that on a treadmill and I don’t see them putting out a nationwide press release about it.

Third of all treadmills suck. Nothing to brag about “Jeb” (or whatever your real name is).

A bold claim—you’re in “excellent” condition. Not just good—excellent. A brash thing to say. Can you back it up? How many burpees can you do? How many pullups can you do—Jeb? Can you even do one pullup—Mister Excellent Shape? Or would you just hang on the bar struggling like a big old metaphor for your campaign? Can you even do Obama’s weak ass workout without stopping in the middle of the lunges, gasping for breath, holding up your hand, begging for a “breather?” I don’t see anything in your well financed press release about that, Jeb.

Can you even do the ISIS workout? I doubt it. Not ready to fight ISIS at all.

Even guys who are in excellent shape would sound like jerks standing up and announcing to all the newspapers: “Hey—I want you to know I’m in excellent shape. Have you heard about my treadmill times?” Meanwhile we have this guy over here, Jebbie, this rich boy, Mr. Silver Spoon, shouting out to the world at the top of his lungs about what excellent shape he’s in, and I’ve never even seen him do a single overhead squat. Have you? Hey, Mister Big on the campaign trail—you listening? Excellent shape compared to who?

Gym brag guys should not be in charge of anything.

[Photo: AP]

Nick Jonas, Jonas Brother, and Kate Hudson, not a groupie but a band aid, have been spotted hanging out together multiple times over the last few weeks—at brunch, at clubs, even at Disneyland. Are they also having sex at or near those places?

TMZ says yes. Kate Hudson, 36, says, “...See ya later.”

When reporters asked her about her alleged romance with Nick, 23, at an event for a ladies face cream this week, she replied:

Oh god, yeah, oh yeah...see ya later.

Last night, however, the two were spotted again together at New York’s Up and Down nightclub. Kate wore a trendy outfit:

Despite her apparent effort to look good for clubbing with Nick Jonas, an “insider” tells the Daily Mail that Kate is not interested in a serious relationship: “This is just a fun hookup for her. It’s not like she’s in love.”

As I always tell the girls, if you never take it seriously, you never get hurt, and ya know, see ya later.

Photos via Getty and Splash News. Contact the author at allie@gawker.com.

Fall’s crisp days are quickly drying out into a spooky, bitter cold as Halloween approaches and small, masked children gather in mobs. But this Hallow’s Eve promises to be even more frightening, as something truly macabre awaits us: it’s the sweet taste of death and it’s coming from inside the house.

Come closer—no closer—I have something for you. It’s an apple, my dear. Won’t you try it? Aha! Your lips turn white, your skin dry as paper. You’re falling, the shadows are closing in, but no prince can wake you from your diseased slumber—you have listeria, and you’re dead.

Listeria—that dark mistress of the stomach infection—stalks the old and the pregnant with its bacterial scythe. And according to science, caramel apples—two ingredients long thought to be resistant to listeria—are actually ground zero for the careless baker.

Researchers from the Food Research Institute at the University of Wisconsin say an outbreak last year that killed seven was “caused when sticks were inserted into the apples before they were dipped,” evidently creating a moist little apple bed for listeria bacteria to gather its strength.

And it could happen again this year mwhahaha.

“If someone ate those apples fresh, they probably would not get sick,” Kathleen Glass, associate director of the Food Research Institute, claimed in a press release. “But because caramel-dipped apples are typically set out at room temperature for multiple days, maybe up to two weeks, it is enough time for the bacteria to grow.”

But guess what—the Listeria’s already in some of the apples. A batch of fresh Granny Smiths were just recalled in Colorado, Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, New Mexico, Oklahoma, South Dakota, Utah and Wyoming.

The adage, it seems, is true: apple a day keeps the doctor away, if only because the autopsy is complete and they’ve moved on to the next corpse—they’re on the clock.

Image via Shutterstock. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

When police arrived at a Jacksonville, Fla., birthday party Wednesday in search of Ryan Bautista, the 34-year-old fugitive and his beau engaged them in a 6 1/2 hour standoff before they were taken into custody. The reported reason? They wanted to make sweet love to each other one last time. Awwwwwww!

Bautista and 30-year-old Leanne Hunn were arrested on charges of false imprisonment and resisting law enforcement without violence after a SWAT team raided the Jacksonville mobile home where they were holed up at about 4 a.m. Thursday. Bautista had been wanted on a number of warrants, and police arrived at the trailer Wednesday night on a tip that he was inside, First Coast News reports.

Two women exited the trailer 45 minutes later, telling police they’d been at a birthday party inside, and that Bautista and Hunn attempted to physically restrain them from leaving because of the arrest warrants. Officers then spoke to Hunn, who said she would not come out because she wanted to “have sex with Bautista one last time.”

Eventually, the officers called in a SWAT team, who forced themselves into the trailer and arrested the two lovebirds. When’s the last time you’ve taken the time do something romantic with your partner?

Image via Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office. Contact the author at andy@gawker.com.

I forgive you for thinking you’d seen the dumbest-ever attempt to solve a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune. I was once like you. “Self-Potato.” “I Have the Wine by Johnny Cash.” I’ve loved them all. But I am here today to tell you I have now witnessed an even less competent response, and open your eyes to levels of Wheel misfortune previously unknown.

Despite seeing one the words in this puzzle being completely exposed, and having access to the training-wheels-ass “no more vowels” warning, this contestant—who is reportedly a medical doctor in her non-Wheel life—is unable to close the deal. She can’t even start in the right way, and gets viciously picked off by her rival, who collects a few $800 “S” tiles just for rub-ins.

Brutal. Truly brutal. Being on TV is hard.

[Video via Uproxx]

The smugly white performance artist Ann Coulter appeared on today’s episode of The View in yet another stop on her unending publicity tour for her recent book. The ensuing segment has it all! By all, I mean:

• A woman from Nicaragua (Ana Navarro) confronting Coulter on her opinions about immigrants.
  
• Coulter proudly mispronouncing “adios,” because she’s white, damn it, and isn’t that fun?

• Coulter answering “Why yes I am” to the question, “Are you a Native American?” and then explaining, “I’m a settler. I’m descended from settlers, not immigrants.”
• Coulter calling out Raven-Symoné on her comments about black people’s names from last week.
  
• Coulter using phrases like “the immigrants we like” and calling for the “assimilation” of current immigrants in the United States.

This has been yet another installment of Ann Coulter explaining how bad things are getting for white people in this country (except for her, since the current conditions give her the material she needs to sell books).

My worst nightmare is being trapped in an enclosed space with lots of bugs. It’s on my mind all the time: Recently, I dreamt a plate-sized spider with legs made of those weird fingery mushrooms was roaming my apartment and I couldn’t get away from it. What’s yours?

Provoked by a horrifying situation a certain celebrity found herself in this week, Gawker staffers started chatting about our absolute worst-case scenarios. For me, it’s the bugs. It could be cockroaches, big beetles, even houseflies if there were enough of them. I think about them tickling my skin, getting into my eyes, my mouth. I would absolutely rather be stuck in a room with a tiger than with an army of crawly, biting Belostomatidae.

Below, you’ll find an array of other writers’ fears, all of which are considerably less scary than mine, except for maybe Kelly’s. Below that, you are encouraged to submit your own in the comments. We’ll collect all the queasiest and most terrifying entries into a new post on Monday. Happy Halloween!

Ashley Feinberg

I am a very, very difficult person to make upset or squeamish or uncomfortable in almost any regard. And I don’t know if this counts as a fear necessarily, but the only thing that I find deeply upsetting for reasons I have yet to fully unwrap with my therapist is wads of loose hair, like such. A stray hair or two on its own does not bother me, but I find any collected mass of disembodied hair cripplingly repulsive. I am becoming increasingly nauseous just typing this.

Generally this doesn’t affect my daily life, but in college my roommate thought it was a “fun” “prank” to periodically remove all the hair from her and my other roommates’ brushes and wrap it around all the door handles. Sometimes I could convince her to remove the hair, other times I would have to cover my hands and arms in toilet paper if I wanted to escape. The only time it proved a real problem was right before an early morning class and right after I had spent the entire night drinking. In my rush to get out the door I reached for the handle without looking, grabbed what felt like a damp, matted ball of bristly contagion, looked down, and immediately vomited. Coincidentally, that was the last day of the “fun” “prank.”

Jordan Sargent

My worst nightmare is being in a plane that crashes into the ocean at night. Air France 447 is my worst fear, and if my fate is a similar death I ask God to strike me down right now.

Allie Jones

My worst fear is that someone will bomb my apartment. Also I worry about getting split in half by a malfunctioning elevator.

Rich Juzwiak

My worst fear besides losing a loved one and getting bedbugs again is having my eyes poked out, specifically by pegboard hooks (like the kind that they hang shit on in hardware stores). I have no real reason to fear these. My dad had a drug store when I was a kid, and I spent a lot of time in the toy aisle looking at things on those kind of hooks. I think maybe my brain just invented a reason to be uncomfortable.

I think the worst thing about getting an eye penetrated by one of those hooks is how dull the end is. It would require a lot of effort to actually push it in. I don’t mind movies that portray eyeball mutilation (see Lucio Fulci’s The Beyond). I just have a real big problem with those hooks. I actually am having a hard time writing this because I can’t stop thinking about those hooks. I need to go away now.

Kelly Conaboy

My biggest fear is being buried alive in a casket filled with bugs. Sort of a “two-for-one” fear, because it combines two fears: being buried alive and being trapped somewhere with horrible bugs.

Hamilton Nolan

Mine is being on a plane that’s very high up and then something crazy happens and it plummets all the way to earth and crashes. Or being on a boat that sinks in the middle of the ocean.

Gabrielle Bluestone

My worst nightmare is being awake during surgery.

Jay Hathaway

My fear is being unable to die. Because things could always get infinitely bad, but you’d be able to get out by dying. If you couldn’t die, someone could torture, shame, or embarrass you forever. Life as the nightmare from which you can never awaken.

Yeesh! Dredge up the most primally discomfiting aspects of your subconscious below.

Image via AP. Contact the author at andy@gawker.com.

Yesterday, a Vermont judge dismissed fugitive-from-justice charges against famous Quaid Randy Quaid and his wife, Evi, leaving the Vacation star free to give an interview to ABC News. “It’s literally like I’ve been snapped from the jaws of defeat,” he said.

If you’re not up to date on the tragic saga of the Quaids, here you go: The couple is wanted in Santa Barbara, California, on felony vandalism charges related to allegations that they squatted in the guest house of their former home, reportedly causing thousands of dollars in damages. Following the filing of those charges in 2010, the couple fled to Canada, where they sought refugee status, recorded a sex tape, and lived until last week, when Quaid was ordered to return to the U.S. Upon crossing the border into Vermont last Friday, both Quaids were arrested on fugitive-from-justice charges and held in jail until their release yesterday.

http://gawker.com/randy-quaid-is...

Judge Alison Arms initially set the Quaids’ bond at $50,000 but later changed her mind and ordered their release, ruling that there there was insufficient probable cause to extradite them to California.

When asked by ABC about Arms’s decision, Evi said it was “profound and real.”

“It was like someone understands our situation,” Randy added.

Randy, who told ABC he hopes to eventually return to acting on the “big screen or the small screen or Netflix or wherever” but in the meantime wants to work as a volunteer firefighter, still faces legal problems if and when he leaves Vermont.

“We expect they will be arrested,” the Santa Barbara DA’s office told ABC.

Finally, NYU students are getting some return for their enormous investment: free ice and every-other-day maid service. Too bad there’s a catch.

Seems the university—currently 22,280 undergrads strong—can’t house all its coeds. So hundreds of lucky students have been toiling away the semester in $300-a-night midtown hotel rooms, complete with maid service, cucumber water and gym access. And they’re getting the experience—an approximately $36,000 value—for less than eight grand a semester. Plus the nearby J Crew gives a sick student discount.

What a fucking life.

But lest you think suite living is perfect, it’s not. In fact, the undergrad Eloises of midtown recently shared their gripes with the New York Times and frankly, I don’t envy them (of course I envy them, everyone paying New York City rents should envy them). Here’s the dark underbelly of the NYU student housing shortage:

• Room service is expensive: “‘Two eggs your way,’ which comes with a side of bacon or sausage, is $14, in addition to the 17 percent service charge.”
• Midtown is literally dozens of blocks away from classes in Greenwich Village.
• It takes a long time—like half an hour even, I’m guessing—to get downtown, even with the aid of MetroCards paid for by the university.

• And there are s-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o many tourists around: (“ ‘I don’t want to sound like a stereotypical N.Y.U. kid saying: Oh, I hate Midtown,’ said Zach Barela, a 19-year-old-sophomore majoring in acting, ‘but it does get so crowded that walking like a few blocks can take forever.’”)
• Hotel security makes it harder to throw ragers.

“I’d definitely give it three-and-a-half, four stars,” one student tells the Times. It’s fine, I guess.

Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

Here are the best of today’s deals. Get every great deal every day on Kinja Deals, follow us on Facebook and Twitter to never miss a deal, join us on Kinja Gear to read about great products, and on Kinja Co-Op to help us find the best.

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Note: App deals and apparel deals will be back next week!

Top Deals

Fall is here, and Amazon is taking an extra 20% off thousands of sweaters, coats, jackets, and more to keep you toasty. The selection is overwhelming, so be sure to use the sidebar tools to narrow down your choices, and don’t forget to use the promo code. Remember, the prices shown on the product pages don’t reflect the discount. [Extra 20% off Sweaters, Coats, and More. Promo code 20GETCOZY]

Cuisinart’s round classic waffle maker finished a close second in a recent Kinja Co-Op, and it just dropped to its lowest price of 2015. [Cuisinart WMR-CA Round Classic Waffle Maker, $22]

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If you’re still using cheap pots and pans you got in college, today’s a great chance to upgrade.

Today only, Amazon’s offering a 15-piece WearEver nonstick ceramic cookware set for just $100, an all-time low. I’m not normally a fan of nonstick pans, but these use a ceramic cooking surface, rather than Teflon, and reviewers indicate that they’re much less prone to flaking under high heat. [WearEver Pure Living Nonstick Ceramic Coating Dishwasher Safe Cookware set, 15-Piece, $100]

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If you’re looking for something a bit more professional, Woot will sell you a 12-piece Tri-Ply set from Cuisinart for $205 shipped. Their anodized aluminum exterior probably isn’t quite as durable as stainless steel, but they should be a huge upgrade for just about any kitchen. [Cuisinart WMCI-12 12-Pc Triply Stainless Cookware Set, $205]

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If you’d prefer a stainless steel outer layer, this similar set is down to $224 on Amazon. That’s not an all-time low, but it is on the low end of its usual price range. [Cuisinart MCP-12N MultiClad Pro Stainless Steel 12-Piece Cookware Set, $224]

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There’s no such thing as having too much battery life, and we’ve spotted several fantastic USB battery pack deals, including a pair or Aukey chargers for $5, and one of Anker’s new PowerCore models (which would be suitable for charging a USB-C MacBook) for $23.

Note: The aluminum Aukey charger is significantly smaller than the plastic 10,000mAh one, but it ships free with Prime, while the larger one is an add-on item. There are <cough> ways to get around that restriction, however.

Aukey 3300mAh Aluminum Alloy Portable External Battery ($5) | Amazon

Aukey 10000mAh External Battery Pack Power Bank Charger ($5) | Amazon | Use code HLYLFEOY

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Anker PowerCore 15600 Compact Portable Charger External Battery Pack ($23) | Amazon | Promo code VI2VAM27

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Fried foods are delicious. Fried foods will kill you. These are the laws of our cruel existence, and generally-speaking, there’s no avoiding them. I’m not going to tell you that cooking foods with the Philips Airfryer is healthy, but Philips claims that your french fries will have 70% less fat than those cooked in a deep fryer, and an entire batch will cook with just a tablespoon of oil.

I can’t say I’ve ever used it, but its Amazon reviews are solid, and today’s Gold Box deal on Amazon is one of the best we’ve seen, if you don’t mind refurbs. [Up to 50% Off Select Certified-Refurbished Philips Airfryers]

In today’s edition of “Who Knew Amazon Made That,” we’ve got a $10 off deal on this attractive looking AmazonBasics desk chair. [AmazonBasics Mid-Back Office Chair, $70]

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...

Whether you want to join the rest of the internet and start your own podcast, or just want your Skype calls to sound clearer, this popular Blue Snowball microphone is on sale at Woot, today only. [Blue Microphones Snowball Microphone, $45-$55]

http://electronics.woot.com/plus/blue-micr...

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If you’re an Apple customer, there’s no such thing as owning too many Lightning cables.

AmazonBasics Apple Certified Retractable Lightning to USB Cable ($13) | Amazon

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5’ Lightning Cable ($5) | Amazon

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Not only does this 6-quart Crock-Pot come with a digital timer to program cooking times, it also ships with an adorable 16 ounce heated dipper to serve dips and sauces at the table. [Crock-Pot SCCPVC605-S 6-Quart Slow Cooker with Dipper, Stainless Steel, $35]

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005D6FWAY

Neil Gaiman’s essential Coraline is on sale today, both in book and movie form.

Coraline [Kindle] ($2) | Amazon

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Coraline (2 Disc Collector’s Edition) ($7) | Amazon

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We see this deal fairly often, but if your PlayStation Plus membership is close to expiring, here’s a chance to save $10 on another year. [PlayStation Plus, $40]

Guitar Hero Live comes out next week, and Prime members who preorder can save $10 on either the one or two-guitar bundles. As always, you won’t see the discount until checkout. It looks like it’s going to be awesome.

http://kotaku.com/guitar-hero-is...

Preorder Guitar Hero Live ($90) | Amazon | Prime members only. Discount shown at checkout.

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Preorder Guitar Hero Live 2-Pack Bundle ($140) | Amazon | Prime members only. Discount shown at checkout.

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If Fallout 4’s silly new live action trailer got you excited, you can save $7 on your PS4 or Xbox One preorder from Amazon, if you’re a Prime member. It’s less than a month away!

• Preorder Fallout 4 ($53) [PS4/Xbox One] | Amazon | Prime members only. Discount shown at checkout.
  

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Earlier this week, we shared a $50 deal on a barebones Brother laser printer, but if you were holding out for a model with wireless networking and/or a flatbed scanner, you’ve got two great options to choose from today.

If you aren’t familiar, these printers only print in black and white, but they can spit out nearly 30 pages per minute, feature automatic duplex, and their toner cartridges can last for years. Basically, they’re the only cheap printers on the market that are actually any good.

Brother HL-L2340DW Compact Laser Printer ($75) | Amazon

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Brother HL-L2380DW Wireless Monochrome Laser Printer ($100) | Amazon

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Say your wireless router can’t push a strong signal to every corner of your house, or maybe you own some kind of old set top box that needs an ethernet connection, but doesn’t live near the router. A simple powerline adapter is one of your best options for extending a home network, and you can get a great one for just $40 today. [TP-Link AV500 Powerline Starter Kit, $40 after clipping the $5 coupon]

http://www.amazon.com/TP-LINK-TL-PA4...

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Raise your hand if you knew that Amazon sold their own custom-branded resistance bands. No? 10 standing biceps curls for you. These are cheaper than ever before, and a staple for any home gym. [AmazonBasics Resistance Band Set, $19]

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Tech

Storage

• Samsung Pro 64GB microSD Class 10 UHS-1 Memory Card ($30) | Best Buy

Power

• Aukey 3300mAh Aluminum Alloy Portable External Battery ($5) | Amazon
• Aukey 10000mAh External Battery Pack Power Bank Charger ($5) | Amazon | Use code HLYLFEOY
• Anker PowerCore 15600 Compact Portable Charger External Battery Pack ($23) | Amazon | Promo code VI2VAM27
• AmazonBasics Apple Certified Retractable Lightning to USB Cable ($13) | Amazon
• 5’ Lightning Cable ($5) | Amazon
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It’s no fun being locked in federal prison, but now prisoners can take heart in the fact that they will be served pork, even though they said they do not want to be served pork.

Pork pork pork. “The other white meat,” in the same way that urine is “The other Gatorade.” For some reason, when the Bureau of Prisons did a survey of federal prisoners, the prisoners told them they did not want to eat pork—in fact they liked pork less than any other food—so the bureau obliged by removing pork from prison menus earlier this month, which set off a firestorm of political controversy among the elected officials who are in the pocket of Big Pork, particularly Judiciary Committee chairman Chuck Grassley, who sent the Bureau of Prisons a harshly worded letter about their vicious blow against “the livelihoods of American citizens who work in the pork industry,” and now the Bureau of Prisons has, just like that, put pork roast back on the menu in federal prisons. Prisoners will once again be served nasty food they hate in order to placate bureaucrats terrified of recrimination from corrupt Congressmen in the pocket of powerful industrialists.

The system works.

[Photo: Flickr]

Malia Obama, eldest daughter of the President of the U.S. and possible Joey Bada$$ superfan, is currently touring prospective colleges to decide which one she would like to attend and, according to some student narcs she encountered this week, learn the game of beer pong.

Snapchat photos allegedly taken during 17-year-old Malia’s recent campus visit to Brown University—and leaked by snitches to the Daily Caller (of course)—show her chilling out near the familiar pyramid of red Solo cups.

Brown students on Twitter claim the First Daughter was in the game, and was also taking shots at a party, but there’s no photographic evidence to back that up.

The Caller refers to Malia as “the only cool Obama,” which is some bullshit, as Barack Obama’s college buddies, the Choom Gang, can attest.

[h/t BroBible, Photos: AP Images, Daily Caller]

Pitchfork, the music website that was purchased by Condé Nast this week, has a tormenter. His name is Chris Ott, and he wrote for the site at an earlier point in its history, though you can’t read any of his reviews anymore because on Wednesday Pitchfork decided to completely erase him from its site.

Ott is a notorious crank who uses his Twitter feed to decry the commodification of the independent arts. At his best he can be a necessary check on the capitalist impulses of the music industry and the publications that cover it. At his worst he can be a straight-up asshole who uses his modest platform to hammer away at personal grudges, many of which seem to end up involving women who make and/or write about indie rock. To some he is an anti-hero, to others he is simply a verbal harasser.

Pitchfork (where I have previously written, and whose staff I am friendly with) often finds itself in Ott’s crosshairs. This is partly because the site has for some time been the foremost arbiter of indie music, in the process growing itself from a ragtag quasi-blog (in the days when Ott wrote for it) into a full-blown company that does big boy website things like packaging major features alongside brands such as Converse and Apple. But Ott also picks on Pitchfork because of his personal history with the site and its founder Ryan Schreiber.

Ott tweets about Pitchfork constantly—sometimes he pithily critiques published pieces, sometimes he rants, and sometimes he makes megalomaniacal statements like, “Due to Pitchfork’s legacy of greed around the globe, they are about to be taught a lesson in the real use of power. You will be witnesses.” Pitchfork—both as an institution and as a group of individuals who are sometimes personally hounded by him—has long chosen to ignore Ott’s wailing. But that changed this week when the site’s founders decided to delete his byline from its history.

Ott’s author page now returns a 404. The same is true for the individual reviews that bore his name, such as Radiohead’s Hail to the Thief and the remastered edition of Pavement’s Slanted and Enchanted. Pitchfork pretended Ott didn’t exist up until the very moment it chose the nuclear option, which was to make sure he truly didn’t exist, at least on its site.

The ramifications of Pitchfork pressing the red button are myriad. On the one hand, it is a quietly hilarious middle finger to an unapologetic bully who probably knows he deserved some sort of retaliation. On the other hand, it raises questions about who controls internet-native writing and what those people choose to do with that power.

Ott, in his grandiose way, had these questions on his mind in the days before Pitchfork wiped away his work. Upon Pitchfork’s sale to Condé, Ott began tweeting at the site, its president Chris Kaskie, its Director of Editorial Operations Brandon Stosuy, and Condé’s Chief Digital Officer Fred Santarpia about the ownership of years-old content such as Ott’s reviews.

In a phone interview, Ott told me that he was serious about issuing takedown requests (“DMCA’d”) to Pitchfork and/or Condé once Pitchfork’s domain officially transferred over, which could theoretically explain why Ott’s writing was removed from the site. Ott, at least, believes that was the reason.

“It’s absolutely driven by the potential for legal harassment,” he said. “They did not delete this to be funny, they deleted this because they were concerned.”

But in an email to me, Schreiber, Pitchfork’s CEO, said that the site was essentially just sick of Ott’s shit:

Chris has repeatedly made us aware of his negative views about our site, and we’ve determined that it no longer makes sense to have any association with him or his work moving forward. We wish him all the best.

It’s hard to know if a DMCA in this case would have been successful, or if Pitchfork and/or Condé would have just told Ott to fuck off. The standard freelance contract currently issued by basically every website gives ownership of content to the website, but Ott claims that when he was writing for Pitchfork in the early 2000s, no such language existed in whatever paperwork was signed, if any paperwork was even signed in the first place. (That claim seems likely to me.) In any event, Pitchfork went ahead and solved the problem proactively—whether the problem was personal or legal is mostly a matter of semantics.

For Pitchfork specifically there is a certain amount of collateral damage in severing ties with Ott in this fashion. Pitchfork is the internet’s go-to website for music criticism, and it has built up a nearly two decade-long archive of opinions on thousands of albums, all as legacy publications such as Rolling Stone and Spin deemphasized album reviews and/or failed to maintain their archives. But now if you want to read what Pitchfork thought of, say, Hail to the Thief, a beloved Radiohead album, you have to consult a third-party service like the Wayback Machine. Pitchfork disappeared Ott from its site, but it also, in the case of Radiohead, disappeared a slice of the discography of one of the bands that defines the site and its readership. Up until Google de-indexed the dead link to Ott’s review, it was the second result for “radiohead hail to the thief,” above even Amazon.

Schreiber says the Pitchfork brain trust thought about what it would mean to erase part of its archive, but in the end made what he said was an easy choice to distance itself from Ott.

We considered that, but it wasn’t a difficult decision.

The more sinister angle in the Ott/Pitchfork feud is that it demonstrates a sort of revenge a publisher can enact on an ex-contributor turned critic: harangue us too much and we’ll render part of your life’s work nonexistent. The Ott problem is also a new twist on a question that every budding digital media company has to ask itself: Does a website have an obligation to keep up every article its ever published, even if it some of them were written by a person who turns out to be a legendary dickhead and incessant troll?

I would say it does, but Pitchfork has deleted plenty of articles before—in some cases, infamously so—and practically speaking, Ott is a unique case. His structural criticism was often a trojan horse for a personal vendetta, and he has gone out of his way to inflame the individuals who work at and run Pitchfork. He probably deserved something. But who exactly was punished?

Contact the author at jordan@gawker.com.

Before my screening of Crimson Peak, the new movie from visionary director Guillermo del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth, Hellboy, Pacific Rim), a sheet labeled “Foreword” was distributed to the attending writers. Here is what it said, in full:

Welcome to Crimson Peak.

This movie is my attempt to harken back to a classic, old-fashioned, grand Hollywood production in the Gothic romance genre. For a while, in the Golden Era of cinema, movies like Dragonwyck, Rebecca, Jane Eyre, and Great Expectations were produced but then decayed into oblivion in the ‘50s, ‘60s, and ‘70s. In fact, it’s been about 30 years since someone has made a Gothic romance on this scale, and I am proud to welcome it back.

This is a genre that was important at the end of the 18^th century as a romantic reaction to the Age of Reason. It marries things that are seemingly dissimilar: heightened melodrama layered with a lot of darkness and the Gothic atmosphere of a dark fairy tale that is both creepy and eerie. It combines these elements to produce a unique flavor.

Crimson Peak is designed to be gorgeous and beautiful, not only as eye candy but as eye protein. The movie tells you the story of who the characters are through their surroundings and the sets, which are also a reflection of their inner psychology. As well, the thematic elements of Crimson Peak come alive through the gorgeous wardrobe. Truly, the painterly beauty of this film makes it one of my favorites I’ve ever created.

I hope you enjoy.

—Guillermo del Toro

The only thing this director’s statement has more of than redundant synonyms is excuses. Excuses, excuses.

Crimson Peak is sumptuously decorated, exquisitely lit, and dreadfully dull. The film depends on its characters’ stupidity about as much as a terrible Friday the 13th sequel. It telegraphs or flat-out states nearly all of its plot developments way in advance, so when its protagonist Edith (Mia Wasikowska) finally realizes what’s going on in this mansion she’s traveled across the world to be imprisoned in by two weirdo siblings (Lucille and Thomas Sharpe played by Jessica Chastain and Tom Hiddleson), she just comes off as an idiot who is undeserving of sympathy. Wasikowska is generally wonderful, a real actor’s actor whose career I find thrilling to watch blossom. And yet, she is not wonderful here for one glaring reason: the stilted script just won’t allow it. This, too, extends to the rest of the cast; no one is wonderful at much of anything in Crimson Peak. In Thomas’s words: I’m afraid nothing gentle grows in this land. That includes performances.

Edith’s dead father warned her, her mother warned her, a ghost at the mansion she lives in with the man she just met (and married), Thomas, warned her, and yet she lingers at the Crimson Peak estate because if she didn’t, the movie would be over too soon. She stays despite exchanges like this:

Edith: Has anyone died in this house? Specific deaths? Violent deaths?

Thomas: Now is not a good time!

Edith is OK with this, despite the fact that it’s never a good time to talk about the woman whose head you and/or your “sister” bashed in, as evident in the half-skull of her ghost. Edith is a fool. Throughout the movie, while strings shivered and the camera settled on her terrified face, over and over again, I kept thinking of Judge Judy screaming at Edith: “YOU PICKED HIM.” But Edith stays and keeps drinking the obviously poisoned tea Thomas and his sister Lucille give to her so she can grow weaker and have less of a chance of escaping.

Crimson Peak may be a throwback to gothic melodramas, but it’s also very much a product of its time. It arrives in a horror climate that still hasn’t shaken its fascination with haunted houses, and surely Crimson Peak is the most aesthetically beautiful haunted house movie our eyes have been gifted. But it’s also the most tedious. Any Crimson Peak ghost isn’t so much a ghost but a “a metaphor for the past.” Edith explains this in the beginning when discussing the ghost story she wrote, and when the few, well-designed ghosts flutter their CGI ways across the screen it’s clear that this goes for them as well. They are Edith’s past and they are Thomas’s past embodied. They’re virtually beside the point.

Early on, Edith is criticized by an editor for not including a romantic angle in the aforementioned story she submits. She takes this as a sign of sexism, and it’s fleetingly refreshing to see a 19th century character bristling at misogynistic expectations. It makes it that much more disappointing when she falls for the first guy who can show up and waltz with her while holding a lit candle.

“But it’s a melodrama!” defenders of this movie will say. They’d be right, but so much of this movie, including its genre, is in service of propping up the props. I find myself often thinking about Guy Maddin’s oft-quoted analysis of melodrama—that maybe instead of it being life exaggerated, it’s life uninhibited. Something like Crimson Peak, though, suggests this is not so much an all-encompassing theory, but an ethos. Whether a melodrama feels hyper-alive or dead inside depends on its creator. Guillermo del Toro used melodrama as an excuse to do something old-timey and pretty. Crimson Peak is deader than its ghosts.

Sony Pictures has a new film out about the 60 Minutes fiasco that cost Dan Rather his job (whether he admits it or not) but CBS won’t accept the Truth—or its multi-million dollar advertising budget.

http://gawker.com/022511/dan-rat...

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the network has banned ads for the film, which opened Friday and stars Robert Redford as Dan Rather and Cate Blanchett as producer Mary Mapes. Via THR:

Sony Pictures Classics sought a multimillion dollar ad buy to promote the film on Stephen Colbert’s Late Show, the CBS Evening News, CBS This Morning and 60 Minutes, but was turned down, said Sherri Callan, president of Callan Advertising, the company that places ads for Sony.

Instead, Sony is advertising on ABC, NBC, Fox and several cable networks. CBS, which confirmed the rejection, told Callan it was not comfortable accepting the ads because of inaccuracies and distortions in the movie, and that it would offend longtime CBS News employees.

“It’s astounding how little truth there is in Truth,” CBS spokesman Gil Schwartz, who is played by Steve Bastoni in the film, tells THR. “There are, in fact, too many distortions, evasions and baseless conspiracy theories to enumerate them all.”

And you know what—I haven’t seen the movie, but I’m sort of inclined to agree. For one thing, Robert Redford is MUCH hotter than Dan Rather—no offense.

Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

Kristin Cavallari, who, by participating in the MTV reality shows Laguna Beach and The Hills, has risen to a level of celebrity that’s afforded her the opportunity to write a book about her life that will be sold for money, would not like to be dragged into that shit anymore, Us Weekly.

Yeah—you heard her.

The Us Weekly article that has offended Kristin appears to be this one: “Kristin Cavallari Praises Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt: ‘They’ve Shut Up the Haters.’”

In it, Us Weekly reprinted this statement Kristin made about her former Hills castmates Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt during an interview with Entertainment Tonight:

I talk to Heidi all the time. It seems like she’s doing really well and [she and Pratt] are really happy. I love that they’re still married, and they’ve sort of shut up all the haters, you know?

One of those “haters” is Lauren Conrad, Heidi’s friend-turned-nemesis from The Hills and Kristin’s longtime nemesis from Laguna Beach. Us Weekly pointed out this fact—that both Heidi and Kristin have feuded with Lauren onscreen—in the following graf:

Speidi weren’t the only ones who had a problem with Conrad. Prior to The Hills, Cavallari and Conrad competed for the attention and affection of Stephen Colletti while in high school on MTV’s Laguna Beach.

Oh really, Us Weekly?

Maybe check your facts and then keep them to yourself.

This has been 500 Days of Kristin.

[Photo via Getty]