What do we got?

A horse.

Where is that horse?

A bathtub.

And what is she doing?

Just chillin'.

We got a got a horse in a bathtub... Just chillin'.

Twenty-eight inmates escaped from the Nova Mutum jail near Cuiaba, Brazil after several women drugged and handcuffed three wardens, having seduced them with promises of an orgy, the Mirror reports.

According to the Mirror, three women—one reportedly a girlfriend of a prisoner—arrived at the prison early Thursday morning, around 3 o'clock. The women reportedly asked to be let inside to "chat and drink," eventually leading the three prison guards to the staff's sleeping quarters.

"They served them cheap whiskey with some substance to knock them out, then unlocked the central gate which accesses the internal cells," Police Chief Angelina de Andrade Ferreira told a news conference. "Whoever wanted to escape left by the front door."

Police found a bag of lingerie and law enforcement-themed dominatrix outfits, believed to have been worn by the women who came to the prison on Thursday morning. Authorities believe the jailbreak was planned by 18-year-old Bruno Amorim, serving time for attempted murder, robbery, and firearms possession.

The inmates made off with rifles, shotguns, revolvers, and some ammunition, Ferreira said. The three wardens have been arrested and will be charged with "facilitating a jailbreak" and "culpable embezzlement."

Eight of the 28 escaped inmates have been returned to prison.

According to WXIA-TV, a gunman shot seven people in a subdivision outside of Atlanta on Saturday, killing five of them. The gunman and at least one child are reportedly among those killed.

7 gunshot victims inc. Five fatalities at Douglasville home. @FOX5Atlanta we are told children are among the victims. pic.twitter.com/zlYDOnU3fA

— NicoleEstaphanFOX5 (@NicoleEFOX5) February 7, 2015

Police say a 911 call reporting the shooting in Douglasville, Georgia came in around 3 p.m. local time. The Associated Press reports the motive for the crime was not immediately apparent.

According to WSB-TV, witnesses heard the gunman's sister repeatedly shouting "My brother should have never had a gun" before she was escorted from the scene by police.

[Image via WSB-TV]

A rare golden lion tamarin monkey at the Bristol Zoo Gardens fell into a lake and was eaten by otters, a whistleblower told the Bristol Post. The incident is just one in a series of traumas that have befallen endangered species at the zoo in recent months.

The tamarin fell into the lake surrounding the island enclosure in which it was living, zoo officials confirmed to the Post, and floated towards the otter enclosure. "It was trapped in a drainage valve and then eaten by American otters," the whistleblower said.

In December, a female Visaryan warty pig named Manilla unexpectedly gave birth to piglets, which were then eaten by a male Visaryan warty pig named Elvis, who had been brought to the zoo to mate with Manilla in September.

"On the day the female gave birth to piglets the male immediately ate them all, and then also attacked the mother by eating her rear end. She was so badly injured she had to be put down," the whistleblower told the Post. "This meant the loss of a family of rare warty pigs that could have been avoided by keeping the male separate."

Zoo officials said the incident was unavoidable, as Manilla had not displayed any signs that she was pregnant. If she had, they would have kept Elvis in a separate enclosure. The critically endangered warty pigs are so rare, the Daily Mail reports, that it is not known exactly how many there even are.

A spokesperson for the British and Irish Association of Zoos and Aquariums told the Bristol Post that the organization was "extremely proud" of the zoo's standards and track record in keeping and protecting its animals.

Last week, the Post reports, three rainbow lorikeets escaped from their enclosure into the city. Two of the lorikeets have been recovered; one is still at large.

[Images via Shutterstock/Flickr/Jeroen Kransen]

When Karen Shearon learned her 15-year-old daughter failed a state exam on Tuesday, the Staten Island woman reportedly did what any other responsible parent would do, threatening to bomb the institution that flunked her.

According to police, Shearon told a guidance counselor at Susan Wagner High School, "I'm gonna blow up that school," which, in her defense, could really mean anything.

On Friday, the mother of three was charged with second-degree aggravated harassment, pleading not guilty.

"They harassed my children and that's not correct," she told reporters after her arraignment. According to the Staten Island Advance, Shearon now wants to take legal action against the school.

[Image via Shutterstock//h/t NY Post]

Chipotle Mexican Grill's Twitter account was hacked last night. The hackers changed the avatar to a Nazi swastika and sent a number of racist and otherwise offensive tweets.

At one point, the brand's bio read, "The official Twitter account of @TUGFeds and @TheCeltic666." Both of those accounts have been suspended. The location was listed as "The Bharath Household." At another point it was listed as "Swagville."

So if you work in the media department at Chipotle, how much of a panic attack are you having right now? pic.twitter.com/uPhp0WtrxC

— emokidsloveme (@emokidsloveme) February 8, 2015

The Daily Dot screencapped a tweet from @TheCeltic666 claiming responsibility for the hack, claiming that it was perpetrated, as ever, "for the lulz."

If @ChipotleTweets doesn't open a restaurant on my island I will assume this represents opinions of the corporation pic.twitter.com/qF7OT70tml

— Valentine's Styxy (@djfilippone) February 8, 2015

Hackers appear to have completely taken over the @ChipotleTweets account: pic.twitter.com/0lnFRSkJbA

— Austin Hunt (@AustinHunt) February 8, 2015

Well @ChipotleTweets is having a bad night. pic.twitter.com/Nz8q2iAoNc

— Parker Higgins (@xor) February 8, 2015

Chipotle has regained control of its account—for now.

[Photo credit: AP Images]

A Los Angeles police official said that Bruce Jenner was being followed by paparazzi before the four-car collision that left one driver dead yesterday, but that did not appear to have caused the crash, the Los Angeles Times reports.

Paparazzi were in the area—some even managed to capture photos of the crash as it happened—but the Times characterized L.A. County sheriff's Sgt. Philip Brooks's attitude about this having caused the crash as "doubtful."

The crash involved four cars, not three as was initially reported. From the Times:

A woman driving northbound in a Toyota Prius slowed down or stopped for reasons that were unclear. A woman driving a Lexus sedan rear-ended the Prius.

Jenner, who was driving a black Cadillac Escalade sport utility vehicle that was hauling a trailer carrying an off-road vehicle, then rear-ended the Lexus.

The impact propelled the Lexus into oncoming traffic, where a Hummer traveling southbound slammed into the Lexus. The driver of the Lexus, whom authorities declined to identify, died at the scene.

"It was a nightmare," Brooks told the Times. He said that Jenner passed a field sobriety test, as TMZ had originally reported. TMZ also reports that Jenner volunteered to be taken to a hospital to have his blood drawn for a blood-alcohol test.

According to the Times, police will investigate Jenner's phone records to determine whether he was using his phone at the time of the crash.

Have you or someone you know been spanked, whipped or otherwise dominated by the deceptive marketing of 50 Shades of Grey-branded sex lube? If so, you may be entitled to compensation for your losses, should one California woman's new lawsuit be successful.

According to The Wrap, Tania Warchol is suing 50 Shades author E.L. James on behalf of everyone who has purchased "Fifty Shades of Grey Come Alive Pleasure Gel For Her" in the last four years. Warchol's lawsuit claims the family-friendly fuck-grease promised "beneficial and aphrodisiac properties to increase pleasure and enhance orgasms" and failed to deliver.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

The complaint notes that the product's packaging promises users will "experience enhanced orgasms and stimulation as every tingle, touch and vibration intensifies." It includes the lines from James' second Fifty Shades novel printed on the box — "I surrender, exploding around him — a draining, soul-grabbing orgasm that leaves me spent and exhausted."

Citing FDA regulations and California's Consumers Legal Remedies Act, Warchol seeks a full refund and punitive damages for herself and any other customer whose soul was not grabbed.

[Image via Universal Pictures]

Bill Cosby has cancelled two stand-up comedy performances, at Boston's Wilbur Theater, which were due to attract protests, The Guardian reports.

The Wilbur posted a message on its Facebook page announcing the cancelation and apologizing for any inconvenience caused, but did not offer any explanation as to why the shows were being cancelled. All purchased tickets are to be refunded.

The Guardian reports that women's groups were expected to protest Cosby's appearance at the Wilbur, though Cosby attributed the cancelation to the inclement weather. "I have decided to cancel for your travel safety. No need to worry, I will be back soon to raise the roof with laughter," Cosby said in a statement given to the Boston Herald. "Don't forget I said, I will be back soon. Hey, Hey, Hey — I'm Far From Finished."

According to CBS Boston, Helen Gumpel, an actress who appeared on an episode of The Cosby Show, is expected to hold a news conference in Boston today to discuss sexual advances Cosby made towards her.http://gawker.com/who-wants-to-r...

Cosby's spokesperson spokesman Andrew Wyatt told the Boston Herald that both shows were sold out. "We're now trying to find other dates," Wyatt said. "He just wanted his fans to be safe."

[Photo credit: AP Images]

Authorities in Pennsylvania have arrested a 16-year-old boy who allegedly shot a classmate in the face and then shared a selfie with his corpse on social media, The Washington Post reports.

According to police, the photo served as "a key piece of evidence" against Maxwell Marion Morton, who they say murdered Ryan Mangan, also 16.

A day after Mangan was discovered dead in his home on Wednesday, the mother of a third teen showed the picture to police, her son having screencapped the photo from Snapchat. From the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review:

"(Police) received a copy of the photo which depicted the victim sitting in the chair with a gunshot wound to the face," a police affidavit states. "It also depicts a black male taking the 'selfie,' with his face facing the camera and the victim behind the actor. The photo had the name 'Maxwell' across the top."

Additionally, police say the third teen received texts from Morton stating, "Told you I cleaned up the shells," and "Ryan was not the last one."

Marion reportedly confessed to the crime after police searched his home and found a 9 mm handgun. The teen now faces charges of first-degree murder, homicide and possession of a firearm by a minor.

[Image via WTAE]

At least 20 people were killed Sunday in a riot outside an Egyptian Premier League soccer match, the Associated Press reports. Security officials said the violence started when ticketless Zamalek fans tried to force their way into the game.

The riot broke out before a match between Zamalek and ENPPI at Cairo's Air Defense Stadium. Police used tear gas to disperse supporters, The Guardian reports. Security officials told the AP that some fans were killed in stampede and some were killed in clashes with police.

According to Zamalek supporter group Ultras White Knights' Facebook page, the death toll is as high as 22. The group shared a handwritten list of names of the alleged victims as well as gruesome photographs purported to be from the scene.

"The Zamalek fans tried to get in by force, and we had to prevent them from damaging public property," the Egyptian interior ministry ministry said in a statement provided to Ahram Online. According to The Guardian, the Air Defense Stadium is owned by the army.

UWK says that fans were tear-gassed as fans tried to enter the stadium through a single entrance: "a tiny metal fence surrounded by barbed wire being the only gate opened for us," Ahram reports.

In 2012, 79 people were killed in a brawl after a game in the Egyptian city of Port Said. Twenty-one people subsequently received the death sentence.

Ahram reports that Sunday's match between Zamalek and ENPPI proceeded despite the deaths outside the stadium. "Football is only for respectable fans," Zamalek board member Ahmed Mansour reportedly said on his Facebook page. "No thugs are allowed here."

Update, 4:30 p.m. – Here is video, uploaded to YouTube today, allegedly from the scene of the riot:

[Photo credit: AP Images]

Today marks the 11-month anniversary of the still-unsolved disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, which went radio silent on March 8, 2014 somewhere over the South China Sea. What do you think happened to it?

The incident is unlike any other in aviation history. Not a single piece of the aircraft, a Boeing 777, has been recovered. The bodies of the 227 passengers and 12 crew members remain missing. Extensive searches of the ocean’s surface, and now the ocean’s floor, have turned up nothing. The otherwise plausible theory that Flight 370 crashed into the sea requires the presence of wreckage—but there is no wreckage.

So what’s your personal theory? Hijackers? Time-travelers? A black hole? There are many more theories, some more plausible than others. Whatever yours is, tell us below.

Photo credit: Shutterstock

When Pastor George Hunley was hospitalized with two gunshot wounds this week, the Virginia man had a simple explanation for police: some black guy he tried to help shot him. But on Friday, it was Hunley who ended up in jail thanks to his stupid, self-aggrandizing story.

According to Hunley, he pulled over to help a black man and white woman on the side of the road when the man suddenly stole his wallet and shot him. During the supposed struggle that followed, the 54-year-old pastor claimed he broke his attacker's arm.

Initially hailed as a Good Samaritan by the local news, Hunley refused to take a polygraph test and police began to question his account.

"I'm on painkillers," Hunley told WWBT at the time. "I've been in shock. I've been shot twice. I had to wrestle for my life. There is no way in this world I'm going to take a polygraph test. They are too inconclusive."

On Friday, police arrested Hunley for falsely reporting a crime, telling WRIC, "Everything right now points to us believing that there was no armed robbery, there was no bi-racial couple, that all of that didn't happen."

Hunley reportedly maintains his version of events, saying "he's not a man who lies."

[Image via Twitter//h/t Raw Story]

After straight-out lying about a Baghdad helicopter attack for over a decade, Brian Williams is employing the old out of sight out of mind strategy, which reportedly includes canceling his Thursday appearance on Letterman—the show he once used to promote his bogus heroic tale.

On Saturday, Williams "self-suspended" himself from appearing on NBC's Nightly News, but he waited a little longer to cancel his Late Show appearance, CNN reports.

Until Sunday afternoon he was still scheduled to show up for his date with Letterman on Thursday.

The sudden change reflects the chaotic situation behind the scenes at NBC News and among Williams' representatives.

On Sunday morning, a spokeswoman for the "Late Show" said there had been no change to the plans for Williams to appear on Letterman's show.

Around the same time, a source close to Williams said it was "undecided" if Williams would still appear, saying the network hadn't considered the question yet.

Williams—who told a version of the helicopter story on the Late Show in 2013—subsequently apologized for the bald-faced lie, saying "I would not have chosen to make this mistake."

Iggy Azalea, a 2015 Grammy nominee and the winner of my own personal award for bad taste in pizza, made two mistakes this week: ordering Papa John's and using her personal cell phone number for the delivery.

Azalea spent the afternoon leading up to the awards show complaining about a delivery guy who gave her number to his family members.

@PapaJohns I ordered a cheese pizza but instead I got tons of calls and messages like this one. pic.twitter.com/fgKhydivXb

— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) February 8, 2015

. @PapaJohns was my favorite pizza but the drivers they use give out your personal phone number to their family members.

— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) February 8, 2015

The self-declared "realest" also expressed disappointment that a Papa John's supervisor declined to text her photographs of the offending driver.

And the supervisors at @PapaJohns refuse to send pictures of their employess so you can identify who it is that steals your information

— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) February 8, 2015

@PapaJohns and this is all your supervisor has to say about it #ProfessionalAsFuck pic.twitter.com/kyQMWQADSq

— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) February 8, 2015

Papa John's twitter account has yet to respond.

The Grammy's have barely begun, and hacker victim Taylor Swift is already in full 8th grade Spring Fling dance party mode. Early winner Pharrell Williams is not thrilled about it.

Taylor Swift's lack of self-awareness is the last unspoiled American natural resource.

New York police say a 29-year-old woman working as a teacher's assistant at a Bronx high school took a mentally ill student home and raped him on at least six occasions.

Maria Contreras, a former substitute paraprofessional at the Bronx Academy of Letters, was arrested Saturday night and charged with eight felonies—six counts of second-degree rape with a victim under 15 and two counts of second-degree criminal sex act with a victim under 15.

Police say she carried on a sexual relationship with a 14-year-old child earlier this year.

Via the New York Times:

"These allegations are incredibly disturbing," Devora Kaye, a spokeswoman for the Department of Education, said by email on Saturday night. "Ms. Contreras has been removed from her position and will no longer be employed" by the department. She said education officials are helping with the police investigation.

The boy was one of Ms. Contreras's students, the police said. He walked to Ms. Contreras's apartment, where the police said they had sex at least six times in November.

She was reportedly arrested after the 14-year-old told his mother, who called police.

[image via ABC]

The same move that caused America to shun Kanye West in 2009 earned him a spot in the nation's good graces forever in 2015.

Congrats on your fucking Grammy, Beck.

UPDATE: Via Deadspin, here's Beyoncé's horrified reaction as Kanye rushed the stage.

As an amped up Kanye West argued that Beck should have given his award to Beyoncé "to respect artistry," and ripped E!'s logos off his microphone after the Grammys Sunday, Kim Kardashian faced the biggest struggle of them all—smiling convincingly.

Kanye called the Grammys—an awards show at which attendance is not mandatory—"disrespectful to inspiration" and expressed dissatisfaction with the practice of using music to cut off long acceptance speeches.

"And by the way, I got my wife, I got my daughter, and I got my clothing line... That's the reason I didn't say anything tonight," Kanye says, two minutes later. Save me, Kim's eyes say, the whole time.

The Grammys, if they want real artists to come back, they need to stop playing with us. We ain't gonna play with them no more. Flawless, Beyoncé video, and Beck needs to respect artistry and he should have given his award to Beyoncé.

And at this point, we tired of it because what happens is, when you keep on diminishing art, and not respecting the craft, and smacking people in the face after they deliver monumental feats of music, you're disrespectful to inspiration. And we as musicians have to inspire people who go to work every day and they listen to that Beyoncé album, they feel like it takes them to another place, then they do this whole promotional event that, they'll run the music over somebody's speech, the artist, because they wanted commercial advertising.

And by the way, I got my wife, I got my daughter, and I got my clothing line, so I'm not gonna do nothing to put my daughter at risk, but I am here to fight for creativity. That's the reason I didn't say anything tonight. But y'all know what it meant when 'Ye walks on that stage.

And he was doing so well.

As people waste our time debating how much to tip baristas (the correct amount: the small pile of coins they give back to you after your transaction is complete) and bartenders ($1 per drink), a second, much more significant beverage problem has once again been overlooked: the frustrating delays caused by people who order complicated drinks and cocktails during peak times at crowded bars.

The faddish reintroduction of "cocktail culture" on these shores has been a boon for liquor distillers and prohibition cosplayers. But it's turned the once-efficient practice of ordering drinks into a sick and broken system. To be stuck in line behind a cocktail drinker when all you need is someone to pop the top off a beer is to be victim to a cruel and defective practice.

It is time to fight back against this invasive species.

There's an obvious solution. Patrons at packed, under-staffed bars should consider the long line of customers behind them as they order a Gin Fizz or whatever, and instead purchase a drink that requires less time to make, such as: one beer. This will never happen, because people are assholes. And so we are forced to consider another option: Segregation.

Separate lines, each with its own bartender. One for those of us attempting to buy a quick beer, shot, or any liquor on the rocks; another for anyone purchasing a cocktail.

Will people cheat the system, like they do for express check-out lines and HOV lanes? Of course. "Could you put some bitters in that bourbon?" they'll ask in the express lane. "Maybe a splash of vermouth, too?" No, fuck you. These rule breakers can be dealt with, with expulsion from the establishment. Customers will no doubt complain at first, too. Expel them. As the place is emptied out by force, the path to the bar becomes ever clearer.

The benefits of this system are myriad: The low-maintenance customer saves time and is rewarded for his or her dignified austerity; the bar makes more money as honest drinkers no longer feel the need to slip in mini airplane bottles of booze in their pockets in order to avoid the long lines; the sort of people who require elaborately-constructed beverages are stuck in one another's company.

This revolutionary idea would also work at coffee shops, where every day people hold up rush-hour commutes with their demands for similarly faddish espresso drinks when a simple coffee would work just fine.

The perils of rejecting this system: the agitation, discord, and chaos that abound at your favorite neighborhood bar every Friday night.

Thank you for your time.

[Illustration by Jim Cooke]