Tatyana Ali appeared on The Wendy Williams Show this week, and the talk-show host asked the actress about her early days on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. During the course of their discussion Williams brought up one of pop culture's great mysteries: Why Janet Hubert (pictured above, about to consume Camilla Parker Bowles' face) was replaced by Daphne Maxwell Reid as Vivian Banks after the show's third season. Ali rambled for about a minute, ending on, "I don't see why there would be tension or what the issue would be in a case like that." Great, thanks Tatyana. Back in Ed McMahon's vault of souls you go. That explanation was worth, like, one and one quarter stars.
Smarting at Wendy Williams' audacity for even mentioning her name, Janet Hubert wrote a letter to Williams that she read on BlogTalkRadio while sporadically flustered by her call waiting like many a mom would be. Once an Aunt Viv, always an Aunt Viv. This burgeoning feud wouldn't even be worth paying attention to were it not for the consistently hilarious content of Hubert's screed. It is below. Come laughing:
Dear Wiggy, I'm sorry, Wendy,
Recently, you found the need to put an end to the mystery surrounding my departure from a show that I did so damn long ago that I don't even remember why I departed.
(Jan, Wikipedia says you were fired after a contract violation resulting from your pregnancy. Maybe start there? That said, it's very polite to signal your status as an unreliable narrator upfront.)
Wendy Williams, or whatever you are supposed to be, I'm not quite sure, I'm writing you yet again, to appeal to your sense of womanhood or manhood as some suggest. Please close your mouth about things that you know nothing of.
(Wendy Williams, I'm pretty sure, is supposed to be Wendy Williams. And also a drag queen.)
Now, I watched your show to see dear Tatyana Ali sadly to say, fall into your trap. She even brought pictures of our days on the show from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. You know most people watch you just to see what heinous things your mouth will say compared to what an overflowing volcano will spew forth on that day.
(The best part of Wendy Williams' show is when lava pours out of her mouth. The worst is when ash does.)
Now perhaps other black women have allowed you to berate them and continued to support you in this manner of madness and rewarding hatefulness. It seems to become the norm and has taken over our society completely. But I, Janet Hubert, sat there and watched you tell the world that I was not a nice mother. I'm thinking to myself, the only person who has the right to say that is my child. So I sat there and watched you like some devilish sinkhole swallow up Tatyana Ali. You reduced her to a child sitting there tempting to keep some symbolism of dignity about her as you pried and invaded her life until you got what you wanted.
(If Wendy Williams' assessment of one's fictional parenting can affect a person this deeply, is it any wonder how she took over our society completely? That is power.)
You are such a demon, Wendy. You are wicked, awful, conniving, sinister, spiteful, jealous of every other woman. Simply put, Wendy you are a virus. You are not nor have you ever been a true woman. It seems as though your audience thirsts for the blood of others, as they are prompted to clap and hoop and holler at your shows and wigs and clothes.
("You are such a demon, Wendy," is such a matter-of-fact way of informing a person that she is a demon. It's best to be calm in these situations so as not to invoke demon wrath. Learn from Hubert the next time you need to note someone's demon status.)
Girl, you will have some stars on your show and demean them before they even make it back home. I just would like to know who died and told you that you were reborn as Oprah. You want to be Oprah so bad that you would kill for it and you will kill anyone to achieve success. Sister, you will never be another Oprah. Oprah lifted her audience up and exuded an air of class.
(I mean, I guess I'd feel bad for the people who died, but it would be really wild if Wendy Williams went on a murder spree all in the name of getting people to care about her favorite things.)
But you know what, Wendy? You are not even in my league. It is so beneath me to even bother with someone like you, but you asked for it. Didn't nobody tell you to say my name on your show? You will not destroy all of the hard work that I went through for the last decade to clear my good name. I simply will not allow you to do so. I'm a lady and a real one. Wendy girlfriend you just messed with the wrong sista.
(Wendy walked an alternate route to work that day and missed the "Don't say Janet Hubert's name on your show" memo from the homeless woman she usually passes on 9th Ave.)
Now it's funny for all that you and the world claim that I've done, I should have my own show like you. Darling there is nothing that I could have ever done in this lifetime in my career that would equal the vulgarity and ugliness and hatred that you spew on your show in one single day.
(Janet Hubert should absolutely have her own show.)
So, here is my advice to you Wendy. I want to help you. Learn to sit in a chair and stop fidgeting with yourself on camera. Wipe your giant teeth off camera, and don't smear the spit on the chair. Please put some sweat pits under your arms, and darling if your sweater is pulling until there are lines across your chest, its too tight. You might want to deflate those tremendous breasts. Take off the fake blonde hair. You have to stop playing the race card because you are coming off like a want to be white girl who will never be white.
(What is a "sweat pit" and what kind of solvent do you need to wipe teeth of a camera?)
Now, I have never seen anything besides hogs slobber at the mere mention of food, so I question your humanism at times. I have never seen a display of such self-hatred.
(I want to meet these Pavlovian hogs that understand the word "food.")
Just a couple more suggestions for you, please would you stop dissing all of us who've embraced our natural hair as many others and I have? And yes Wendy natural hair does belong on the red carpet whether you like it or not.
(I agree.)
I kind of feel sorry for you. You sit there on your big-footed tacky throne everyday while millions of people are laughing at you not with you. There is a big difference. Nobody cares about what you think about his or her lives. But we do care about what you put out there about us. My heart saddens that women, especially black women, have embraced her evil after all of our struggles in society. You and your kind have set us back a hundred years or so. How dare you chastise anyone when you are such a travesty?
("Nobody cares about what you think about his or her lives," but they do care about what you say about the kindness of the fictitious characters they played.)
Now take that, chew it my dear and stick it on your lord have mercy you are disgusting fly-ridden gum wall. And that's the advice I have for you my sister.
(What is a gum wall? Is it right around the corner from the sweat pit? Is there a hierarchy of gum walls? Are some relatively clean while others, like Wendy's, disgusting and fly-ridden?)
Peace.
(Except, not really.)
You can listen to Hubert read this masterpiece below:
