Afghan President Would Very Much Like Huge Payoff from CIA to Continue

Speaking for the first time in Afghanistan since it was revealed that he had been taking massive payoffs from the CIA, Afghan president Hamid Karzai reiterated his confidence that the payoffs would continue and that the flow of cash for bribes and appeasing local warlords was absolutely necessary for continuing stability in Afghanistan.

Mr. Karzai very frankly revealed to reporters that when he met with the Afghanistan CIA station chief, “I told him because of all these rumors in the media, please do not cut all this money, because we really need it.”

The money, the amount of which has never been disclosed, has been used by the CIA to influence Karzai and other high-profile officials and power brokers. Several diplomats and lawmakers see the money as a corroding influence on what was supposed to be a new democracy after the US invasion, but has been plagued by staggering amounts of corruption.

Karzai sees the money as "nothing unusual," and more in line with other aid money Afghanistan receives from the US. Except the CIA money has no oversight, and is made in cash.

“Yes, sometimes Afghanistan’s political elites have some needs, they have requested our help and we have helped them,” Karzai explained to the media. “But we have not spent it to strengthen a particular political movement. It’s not like that. It has been given to individuals.”

Ah, the CIA money is only given to individuals, including warlords, with no political agenda. President Karzai, does any other country give you money, no questions asked?

“No, none. And even if they were, we wouldn’t let you know. We wouldn’t tell you that.”

Oh, fantastic! Not including these undisclosed, unregulated cash payments, the United States has spent over $100 billion on rebuilding Afghanistan.