Last week, CBS emailed all the stars attending the Grammys and asked them to cover their breasts with fabric before they arrived.
The stars, offended that the Grammys had effectively threatened to back off their breasts with a scimitar of modesty, found 80085 ways to rebel.
You couldn't take two steps last night without suffocating under a pair of boobs. Nipples taking people's eyes out left and right. Forbidden puffy crotch skin puckering under the Staples Center airconditioning.
We present to you now those brave heroes who flouted the CBS dress code most flagrantly. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they didn't wear over their nipples there on that night.
Hero: Kelly Rowland of Destiny's Child; "Dilemma" by Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland
Stood Up For: "Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts"; "'puffy' bare skin" of "the genital region."
Hero: Ashanti of Long Island; The Inc. Records (formerly Murder Inc.)
Stood Up For: "Thong type costumes"; "bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack"; "bare sides or under curvature of the breasts"; "'puffy' bare skin" of "the genital region"; just straight up wearing a g-string that everyone can see through your sheer dress.
Hero: Rihanna of Barbados
Stood Up For: "Sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples."
Hero: Jennifer Lopez of JLo
Stood Up For: Dresses slit to the thigh, which the Grammys hadn't thought to ban until they saw her.
Hero: Katy Perry of John Mayer
Stood Up For: "Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts."
Hero: Alicia Keys, in the costume she wore onstage, before anyone knew it was happening.
Stood Up For:" Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts."
Hero: A bunch of not-very-famous people who wanted to have their pictures taken.
Stood Up For: "Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts"; "'puffy' bare skin" of "the genital region"; the unknown fashion martyrs whose names we will never know/bother to learn.
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God Bless the Grammy Boob-Fashion Insurgents.
[Images via Getty]