Canadian Parliament: 'Canada Will Never Become a Safe Haven for Zombies'
While politically-minded Americans were busy considering the social media ramifications of Marco Rubio's water sip and Ted Nugent's State of the Union seat placement, their neighbors to the north were...
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Kanye West and Kim Kardashian Bypassed Security at JFK, Delaying Their Flight...
On their way back from Brazil, where they were busy posing like Jesus and partying beneath Will Smith, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West got into some trouble at JFK Airport. After their flight from Rio...
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IKEA Australia Offers a Free Crib to Any Baby Born 9 Months From Today
Good news if the only thing keeping you from having a baby was the fear that you might not be able to scrape together $99 to buy a crib from IKEA; IKEA Australia is offering a free crib to any baby who...
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'Dirty, Bearded, Tattooed' Man Returns Lost $1,200 to Owner, Rewarded with a...
An auto shop owner from Harrisonville, Missouri, was on his way out of a local Sutherlands home improvement store when he came across an envelope containing $1,200. For Kyle Osborn, the next move was...
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Tennessee Congressman Steve Cohen Has a Secret Daughter, Not a Secret Lover...
This is a weird one. The day after President Obama's State of the Union, there were reports of Tennessee Congressman Steve Cohen sending what, at the time, seemed like flirtatious tweets to Victoria...
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Just in Time for Valentine's Day, the CDC Issued a Warning About Super...
If you're spending Valentine's Day alone, here's something comforting: At least you won't catch a case of super gonorrhea. According to a CDC report, cephalsporins – the antibiotics used to treat...
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The Social Media Director for FTD Flowers Is Having a Valentine's Day From Hell
Flower delivery services are having their busiest day of the year, I'd imagine. They are, after all, the last minute option for uncreative/forgetful spouses. These companies are also, based on...
View ArticleWatch a CNN Reporter Compare the Disabled Carnival Cruise Ship to Hurricane...
As you're all probably well aware, the shit-covered Carnival cruise ship finally arrived in Mobile, Alabama earlier tonight. CNN dropped all other news to cover the event as though it were some sort...
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Jaw-Dropping Meteor Fireball Explodes Over Russia, Injuring 950 the Day...
At least one meteorite crashed into Russia earlier today, causing several giant explosions and forcing schools and offices to be evacuated. The meteorite reportedly landed in the Chelyabinsk region of...
View ArticleElizabeth Warren Puts Bank Regulators to Shame in First Senate Hearing
Elizabeth Warren, the senator from Massachusetts and Great Liberal Hope, had her first hearing yesterday as a member of the Senate Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs Committee. How'd it go? Great for...
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With or Without Sentencing Guidelines, Black Men Get Screwed
According to a new study by the U.S. Sentencing Commission, prison sentences handed out to black men in the past seven years have been almost 20% longer than sentences given to white men for the same...
View ArticleHere's Vin Diesel Covering Rihanna's 'Stay' for Valentine's Day
Yesterday, Vin Diesel, among the most advanced Facebook users on the planet, posted this video of himself singing along to Rihanna's "Stay," apparently as a Valentine's Day gift to "V's Angels." Happy...
View ArticleDetergent Brand Trying to Pull Off the Biggest Scam Since Bottled Water
Are you the type of consumer who just waltzes into a store, carefree as you please, and picks up a jug of laundry detergent after a cursory glance at superficial factors like "price" and "it is...
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Shit-Caked Carnival Disaster Passengers Trapped in Alabama Hell as Bus Home...
The passengers of the good ship Triumph, the Carnival cruise liner disabled by a fire and left floating, stinking of shit, for days, finally disembarked last night, only to be confronted with the...
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Space Will Test Us Again by Hurling a Giant Asteroid Our Way
After a meteorite crashed into Russia early this morning, you may have thought we'd reached our terrifying, Deep Impact-esque space shit quota for the week. Well, you'd be wrong because an asteroid is...
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Norway to Reboot Fire With 12-Hour Prime-Time Special of Burning Fireplace
Norwegian public broadcasters will be rebooting the venerable entertainment property "staring at a fire" in a 12-hour prime-time television broadcast of a burning fireplace, featuring "Norway's biggest...
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Who's Sending Out Fake Lesbian Wedding Announcements to Small Papers?
The only unusual aspect of the Collins-Johns engagement announcement that ran in yesterday's Le Mars Daily Sentinel was that the Iowan news concerned a same-sex marriage: Le Mars' own Candace Leigh...
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Welcome Back to the 2006 Economy
If you are a grown adult with a 401K and adult financial things of that nature, you may remember 2006 as "the year when the economy was booming, before I had to move into the box." M&A deals were...
View ArticleNot Even Bill Nye The Science Guy Can Explain What the Hell is Going on With...
Here is a list of things we learned from Bill Nye "The Science Guy" on CNN this morning when he was asked to comment on the recent space debris that has been crossing paths with earth: Meteors and...
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Here Comes the Asteroid: Will We All Die?
All the scientists are quite confident that asteroid 2012 DA14 is going to miss us when it comes by at 2:25 Eastern time. It is not all going to come burning through our atmosphere with the force of...
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