CNN reports that two American citizens have been allowed to leave North Korea, where they had been detained for months. Kenneth Bae and Matthew Todd Miller “are on their way home,” according to the Office of the U.S. Director of National Intelligence.

In a brief statement, the DNI also said, “We welcome the DPRK’s decision to release both Mr. Bae and Mr. Miller. We want to thank our international partners, especially our Protecting Power, the Government of Sweden, for their tireless efforts to help secure their release.”

The office gave no indication of when exactly Bae and Miller would be back in the U.S. Bae had been held in North Korea since 2012, and in January, appeared in a press conference urging cooperation between the U.S. and the DPRK. Miller was detained this past April and sentenced to six years of hard labor.

UPDATE 12:56p.m.: In brief remarks, via The Hill, today, President Obama said "I think it is a wonderful day for them and their families ... Obviously we are very grateful for their safe return and I appreciate director Clapper doing a great job on what was obviously a challenging mission."

[Photos via Associated Press]

According to a report from TMZ, Andy Dick is in custody after stealing some dude's $1,000 necklace while riding his bike on Hollywood Boulevard.

Andy Dick, who frequently doesn't seem to be doing well, reportedly rode up to the man with the expensive chain last week and asked if he could see it. Because the necklace's owner recognized Dick, he obliged. Sure, Andy Dick, why not. Dick then rode off with the stranger's jewelry. Shit.

The man reported the incident, but cops were unable to find Andy Dick until spotting him outside of his Hollywood apartment last night. TMZ reports they arrested him for grand theft and he is currently in jail on a $25,000 bail.

[image via Getty]

Human remains recovered by investigators in Mexico are believed to belong to 43 college students who went missing in September, reports the Los Angeles Times. The students were last seen being led away by police, who officials then believe turned them over to a gang to be killed.

The Washington Post says that the bodies “were shot, burned in a garbage dump and thrown in a muddy river in black plastic bags,” which matches up with the testimony from three detained suspects about how the killings took place.

While there is a good deal of evidence to support the theory that the remains belong to the missing students, the severe burning on the remains makes DNA testing difficult. Mexican Attorney General Jesus Murillo Karam said in a press conference that the evidence found “points to the homicide of a large number of people.”

According to CNN, authorities believe that Jose Luis Abarca, the mayor of Iguala, was the mastermind behind the abduction, and likely ordered it carried out over worries that the students' protesting would interrupt a party his wife was hosting. Abarca and his wife were on the run until they were arrested in Mexico City this past week.

[Photo via Associated Press]

On Tuesday, police in Laurel County, Kentucky released this booking photo of a woman and her stylish "I Heart Crystal Meth" T-shirt on social media. Unfortunately, no points will be awarded for guessing tweaker Amy Poehler's charge, which, as you may have figured out, was a crime of passion.

Early Tuesday morning, sheriffs picked up 37-year-old Deborah Asher and a companion after a K-9-assisted investigation turned up several grams of crystal meth and a set of digital scales.

Both now face charges of first degree trafficking in a controlled substance and possession of methamphetamine. According to the Daily Mail, Asher remains in custody, having followed her heart to a $25,000 bond.

[Images via Laurel Co. Sheriff Department/Facebook]

Beyoncé and Jay Z are allegedly planning on spending next year living in a French chateau, where they "hope to conceive their second child." Allons-y!

A source spoke to the Daily Star about the couple's alleged gap year:

So next year they'll put music on the back-burner and enjoy France, spending time in a gorgeous chateau in Chigny-les-Roses.

They want to have some time doing very little, enjoying Blue Ivy and chilling out. They are hoping she will pick up the lingo too. And of course it will be great for their French.

Yuck, that sounds terrible just kidding that sounds perfect! The source continued:

They're hoping to conceive their second child out there. And taking a year out will allow Beyonce to have a quiet, stress-free pregnancy.

If the Daily Star's source isn't correct, he or she is at least very good at coming up with Beyoncé-related fantasies.

[image via Getty]

Robin Williams had no alcohol or illegal drugs in his system when he died on August 11, according to details released by the Marin County coroner yesterday and reported by ABC News.

CNN reports:

Williams was found in a seated position on the floor of the bedroom with a belt secured around his neck and the other end of the belt wedged between a closet door and door frame.

The coroner did find prescription drugs in "therapeutic concentrations." Williams was in the early stages of Parkinson's disease at the time of his death.

[Photo via Associated Press]

On Saturday, President Obama named New York federal prosecutor Loretta Lynch as his pick for the next attorney general. If confirmed, Lynch would be the first African-American woman to hold the position.

"It's my hope that the Senate will confirm her for a third time without delay," said Obama, referring to Lynch's two terms as U.S. Attorney for Eastern New York. "I can think of no better public servant to be our next attorney general."

"Ms. Lynch will receive fair consideration by the Senate," said Republican Mitch McConnell—slated to become Senate Majority Leader this January—in a statement. "And her nomination should be considered in the new Congress through regular order."

In September, it was announced that current U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder would be resigning from the position as soon as a successor was confirmed.

See Obama's nomination of Lynch below:

[Image via YouTube]

CBS News, not exactly a bastion of accuracy to begin with, is making a mockery of itself with its inaccurate and shamefully overblown reporting of the upcoming cold snap as a "massive polar vortex" that will "impact hundreds of millions of people." 'Tis the season.

For the past couple of days, the news network has pushed the shaky "polar vortex" narrative hard, even using theoretical physicist Michio Kaku to lend credence to their hype with the proclamation that "all hell will break loose by midweek." Last summer, Kaku blamed the summer's record low temperatures on the polar vortex, calling the ever-present Arctic weather feature a "tornado of cold air."

Instead of turning to a theoretical physicist, the news agency would do a service to its viewers and itself to consult with the many excellent meteorologists employed by its affiliates around the country before it reports on a topic its reporters know very little about. http://thevane.gawker.com/were-all-going...

CBS News ran the story on their Saturday morning news show, and published the video on its website shortly thereafter. The anchor introduces viewers to the upcoming cold snap as the "dreaded return of the polar vortex" that's aiming for the United States as direct result of the remnants of Typhoon Nuri—which the anchor says caused wind gusts up to "100 miles," whatever that means.

The report goes over to meteorologist Ed Curran at the network's Chicago affiliate, and to his credit, he doesn't characterize the cold snap as a "polar vortex." It would have been better if he had corrected his newsroom colleague, but it's understandable when one doesn't bite the hand that feeds them.

The upcoming cold snap is not the polar vortex. The polar vortex is something that's always been around, but it gained legs last winter as a new, scary-sounding way to describe cold weather on social media. The polar vortex is a large cyclone that sits over the Arctic, serving as sort of a wall that keeps cold air confined to the far northern latitudes. Sometimes the polar vortex becomes unstable and pieces of it break off—if one of these broken pieces swings down over Canada or the United States, it can bring with it bitterly cold air like we saw last winter.

The following image shows a piece of the polar vortex sitting over the Great Lakes and Ontario on January 8, 2014:

The following image shows the same level of the atmosphere next Wednesday, devoid of a polar vortex over the United States. The closest piece of the polar vortex is up in the Arctic near Greenland, where it's supposed to be:

As NBC Connecticut meteorologist Ryan Hanrahan Tweeted on Friday:

Find the polar vortex next weekend!!!! Guess where it's not???? pic.twitter.com/Bn87Hkz2db

— Ryan Hanrahan (@ryanhanrahan) November 7, 2014

I can name at least one news organization that would get the answer wrong.

[Images: AP / WSI/Fox 17 / WeatherBELL]

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It was supposed to be a night to remember. According to The Oregonian, after meeting online, Jeffrey Mack was planning to take the love of his life, Heather Dureen Hegre, out on their very first date.

The AP recounts the amorous first meeting at Arby’s:

She hopped into his vehicle at a drive-through restaurant in Wilsonville, south of Portland, and suggested he buy her a milkshake.

That’s love. That’s what love looks like.

The man obliged, because he would spare no expense for The One. He paid with a $5 bill and received two singles as change. Because the two were basically already married, Mack left his wallet in the car’s center console.

But Mack was betrayed when Hegre grabbed his wallet, hopped out of the vehicle, and took off running. There’s a happy ending, as The Oregonian reports:

Mack called 911 and provided police with the woman’s cellphone number, which deputies called, again arranging a rendezvous at Arby’s.

Around 1:45 a.m. Tuesday, police spotted the woman’s maroon minivan – with Wisconsin plates – and arrested her, seizing the wallet.

She came back! (To the Arby’s!) (To get arrested!)

Mack also recovered his wallet, with the two dollars still inside.

[Photo via Associated Press]

You probably won't regret taking a few seconds to check out this chill owl's cute face. (No promises, obviously.)

Cute, right? Cute face, Owl! Thanks!

[h/t TastefullyOffensive]

What looks like Mountain Dew, tastes like Doritos, and sounds just awful? If you guessed "Dewitos," a new soft drink concocted by the food criminals at Pepsi, congratulations, you're qualified to be an executive at America's largest food and beverage company.

Given that both products are marketed toward the same X-treme(ly sedantry) demographic, the Dew/Doritos collaboration was something on an inevitability, but it's hard not to feel as though some important line has been crossed by the junk food crossover.

#dewitos pic.twitter.com/mPMzjd1vTv

— OhioUSnap (@OhioUSnap) October 29, 2014

What's next, beverage-flavored foods? Food-flavored packaging? Packaging-flavored beverages? As always, only The Onion really knows what the future holds:

[Image via Imgur]

Bed bugs, used condoms, Ebola. New Yorkers now have one more reason to fear the subway: naked dudes. According to the New York Post, this naked dude was spotted earlier this week taking swigs from a bottle of Jack Daniel’s on the E train.

Peter Davis, who photographed the unidentified man living his best life, told the Post, “He was oblivious. He kind of looked at me when I took the picture, but he didn’t seem to care.” He also said that the naked guy didn’t smell bad or appear to be homeless.

What time might you expect to find a drunk naked man heading downtown? Friday night at 1 in the morning? Saturday night at 4 in the morning? Wrong. Davis spotted this guy on Thursday. At 8:30p.m.

Apparently, it was just another day on the subway for most riders. “There were a lot of blasé New Yorkers that looked — and then looked back at their iPhone as if he wasn’t even there,” Davis said.

As a wise poet once wrote about this sprawling metropolis:

Like any great love
It keeps you guessing
Like any real love
It's ever changing
Like any true love
It drives you crazy

[Photo via Peter Davis; The New York Post]

As pundits, analysts and the blogosophere attempt to predict all the ways in which the midterm elections have changed the political landscape in Washington, it doesn't take a political scientist to realize that the A-10 Warthog's future now looks much brighter than it did on November 3rd.

Two crust-coveting assholes succumbed to their inner Noids Wednesday night, brutally attacking a man for the crime of having some pizza, Scotland's Daily Record reports.

According to victim Mark Sinclair, he had just picked up a spicy chicken pizza and was returning to his home in Stenhousemuir, Scotland when one of the unidentified assailants attacked him.

"He said, 'Gimme a bit of your pizza,' then started laying into me," Sinclair told the Daily Record.

In an effort to find a witness to the attack, Sinclair shared a gruesome photo of his injuries on Facebook.

"I've had a bad week," wrote Sinclair in his post. "If you know of or hear of anyone bragging about kicking me in the face and neck multiple times [...] please contact the police."

[Images via Facebook/Shutterstock//h/t NY Post]

What little girl doesn't want a sparkling pink princess wand that holds a dark suicidal secret?

Nicole Allen, a mother in Dayton, Ohio, is not too happy with her local dollar store after purchasing something that looked like an innocent toy: a pink, plastic wand in a fun, purple package. After giving the toy to her sweet two-year-old daughter, the young girl promptly peeled off its foil cover, revealing a vivid image of a big-eyed, bloody-toothed demon lady slitting her wrist. Fun!

To be fair, Nicole overlooked the fact that the wand was called "EvilStick," but to be fair once again, the package also said "I can send out wonderful music!" and that message was written on a snowflake, so.

WHIO investigated the dollar store mixup:

The dollar store owner reportedly says he will take the toy off the shelves if he receives more complaints.

Though the toy is certainly not suitable for children, and while I disagree with the store owner that children see "images like [a demon slitting her wrist] on TV every day," I do think this spooky nightmare toy is suitable for a certain blogger who would love if her local dollar store began carrying it.

Just saying.

[image via WHIO]

More than 18,000 nurses in California are planning to strike for two days beginning Tuesday over concerns about how prepared they are to deal with Ebola. According to Bloomberg News, the strike would affect 21 hospital and 65 clinics, all owned by Kaiser Permanente.

A spokesperson for the nurses union said Thursday that Kaiser, “continued to stonewall on dozens of proposals to improve patient care standards, as well as refusing to address the concern of Kaiser RNs about Ebola safety protocols and protective equipment, refusing to even answer questions by the RNs.”

Despite the strike, the San Francisco Chronicle reports, Kaiser facilities are planning to remain open, including emergency and urgent care departments.

In addition, the director of Kaiser’s Northern California hospitals told the San Francisco Business Times, “Our infectious disease experts have fully reviewed the new CDC recommendations, and Kaiser Permanente is augmenting our personal protective equipment to meet or exceed these national standards.”

[Photo via Associated Press]

An 88-year-0ld man—bless his heart—was robbed on Halloween night after openly counting out his casino winnings and then being followed by a crook who was greedy for the cash. Did the robber sneak up behind the man as he was leaving the casino? Why, no. He followed the guy for ten miles.

The old man was leaving the casino in Ozone Park, Queens on Halloween night when Gregory Hillman allegedly started tracking the big winner's moves. He followed him on the subway from Jamaica Station to Jackson Heights, Queens, where the robber continued to follow the man onto a bus where the near ten-mile, 90-minute journey came to its end.

Via New York Daily News:

Hillman remained behind the victim when he boarded a Q47 bus and rode it to East Elmhurst. It was only after the man got off the bus and neared his residence that Hillman finally pounced. The crook shoved his hands into the man's pockets, then pushed him to the ground — causing the victim to black out after slamming his head on the pavement.

Hillman was arrested on robbery and assault charges and was awaiting arraignment on Saturday.

[Image via Shutterstock]

According to The Palm Beach Post, a 53-year-old Florida woman is facing criminal charges after, authorities allege, she stabbed her boyfriend for threatening her turtle.

From the Post:

[Marie] Seymour and her boyfriend were drinking when he said he would harm her turtle and allegedly came after her, according to her recount of the events. The turtle’s name was not released.

“The turtle’s name was not released.”

The boyfriend was treated at a local hospital, while Seymour was taken to jail for booking. The boyfriend told police that he did not want her to go to jail.

[Photo via Associated Press; not the turtle in question]

A member of the Saratoga County Sheriff's Office has been suspended without pay after a video surfaced online of the officer striking one civilian and threatening another during an otherwise peaceful interaction.

In the disturbing cellphone video shot early Friday morning, the officer appears to violently coerce a man into waiving his Fourth Amendment rights, striking him and repeating, "You wanna fuckin' resist?" when the man refuses to consent to a search.

"You gonna slap me around?" asks the video's off-screen recorder.

"Yeah," replies the officer, "I'll rip your fuckin' head off and shit down your throat."

Saratoga police said in a statement that no charges have been filed against the as-yet unnnamed officer for the "inappropriate interaction," adding that additional information will not be released "until the investigation is concluded."

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, and while brave brands attempt to commemorate the beginning of the end of the Cold War through native advertising online, citizens of Berlin gathered along the wall's former path and at Brandenburg Gate to memorialize the historic anniversary.

During a commemorative service at the Wall on Bernauer Strasse on Sunday, German Chancellor Angela Merkel said that the fall of the Wall proves that "we can change things for the better." The BBC reports that the day of memorializing and celebrating was "bitterly cold" and that "hundreds of people stood shivering next to one of the few remaining sections of the wall."

The Associated Press reports that a million people were expected to flood the city of Berlin for the commemorative events.

Via the AP:

"The fall of the Wall has shown us that dreams can come true," said Merkel, who grew up in East Germany. "Nothing has to stay the way it is, however big the hurdles are."

Activists staged a small demonstration during the memorial event, holding up a banner with the words "No wall around Europe" to protest the treatment of refugees trying to reach the continent.

A million people were expected to attend Sunday's festivities in Berlin, which included an open-air party at the city's Brandenburg Gate and the release of hundreds of helium-filled balloon strung along a 15-kilometer (9-mile) stretch of the former border.

The 96-mile wall came down on Nov 9, 1989, and 138 were killed while attempting to flee from East to West Berlin. Roughly two miles of the Wall still remain standing.

[Lead image via AP / Other images by Getty]