Sullying the otherwise esteemed reputation enjoyed by strip club proprietors, a federal judge ruled Friday that the owners of Rick's Cabaret in Manhattan owe dancers more than $10 million in unpaid wages.

U.S District Judge Paul Engelmayer's decision comes as part of a class action lawsuit filed by around 1,900 Rick's Cabaret dancers who say they were misclassified as independent contractors and denied rightful compensation—a claim Engelmayer agreed with last year.

From CBS News:

The dancers got no steady wages, instead paying a fee to the club to perform there and in return getting paid by customers. The customers put up $20 for each personal dance and fees starting at $100 for 15 minutes of entertainment in semi-private rooms.

But after paying club fees and required tips to deejays and other club workers, the dancers sometimes ended up in the red, [the dancer's attorney E. Michelle] Drake said.

The club is a subsidiary of RCI Hospitality Holdings, Inc., whose website boasts "Anna Nicole Smith met her oil billionaire husband while dancing at Rick's Cabaret."

[Image via Shutterstock]

A sweet little dog in San Angelo, Texas hitched a twenty-mile ride on the side of an ambulance transporting his owner to the emergency room, the Standard-Times reports.

Tanner Brown, an emergency medical technician, told the paper it was "a crazy ordeal," after a driver had to flag down the ambulance to alert them to their extra little passenger. Buddy, a a 35-pound Beagle mix, had been perched on the ambulance's small side step for the twenty-mile trip.

Brown told the Standard-Times, "We didn't have anything else to do but to load the dog up and put him in the ambulance and take him to the ER with us." So the pup traveled with his 85-year-old owner JR Nicholson, who called the ambulance because he felt dizzy. Brown continued:

"It was kind of funny. We were inside and he had jumped onto the control switch and turned on the sirens and the lights. We didn't know what was going on."

Oh, Buddy. What a character! He added, "It was kind of weird. I guess the dog wanted to be with his owner."

Nicholson only stayed at the hospital overnight, but was taken to see Buddy during his stay. He said he was impressed at the sweet animal's feat, adding,"He didn't have to go to the hospital with me, but he did."

[image via AP]

In an experiment seemingly inspired in equal measure by Marina Abramović and Subservient Chicken, James Franco obeyed the commands of random Internet users Saturday afternoon, smearing on makeup, licking a sock puppet and spraying himself with whipped cream just because some nice folks asked him to.

For almost 45 minutes, Franco followed the instructions of selected out-hangers in the #MakeJamesDo Google hangout, a performance set up by Paper magazine as part of their ongoing effort to "Break the Internet" with huge asses.

The viewers' requests were predictably bizarre, and left Franco looking pretty jacked up, as this Instagram photo shows:

As of press time Saturday, the Internet remained disappointingly unbroken.

[ Images via Instagram/Twitter//h/t Digg]

According to an OK! Magazine source, Kim Kardashian feeds her 16-month-old fashion doll a strict, sugar-free, organic diet, meaning: NO TREATS.

Radar quotes the latest issue of OK! as saying Kim, a lady currently featured on the cover of a magazine, "has worked out a daily organic menu for Nori with her chef, one that cuts out processed food and sugar entirely!" Ah!

The source alleges that Kanye thinks the diet is somewhat extreme, but trusts Kim. (It is so nice—and important—to have trust in your loved ones, as well as your anonymous OK! Magazine sources.) The source urges that Kim is not "trying to slim her toddler down," rather she is just trying to "keep her healthy." Sugar is reportedly forbidden, as Kim "thinks dessert is just a recipe for disaster." (Dessaster.)

But what about treats? Does North West not get any treats? Tell me this baby gets treats! From Radar:

"Poor North West never gets any treats..."

NO!

"...which upsets her when she's hanging out with other little kids whose parents let them eat what they want."

She should hang out with Gwyneth Paltrow's kids!

Kim Kardashian recently tweeted an image of baby North enjoying a warm, seemingly cafe-purchased, whipped cream-topped cup of hot chocolate—presumably in an attempt to cover up this perfect baby's treatless existence:

1st hot chocolate! #AuntiesSpoilingHer pic.twitter.com/5vlsVg49BR

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) November 14, 2014

How often does North get to have treats? What sort of treats is she allowed to eat? What does she get when other babies are enjoying their treats?

Sadly, it seems we may never know the truth.

[image via Getty]

If Amy Berg's documentary An Open Secret eventually finds the distribution that is currently eluding it, it's going to mean more problems for director Bryan Singer, who earlier this year was accused of repeatedly drugging, threatening and forcibly sodomizing a minor in a lawsuit. It could mean problems, in fact, for a whole lot of people in Hollywood. Our awareness of the exploitation of minors by powerful men is just the tip of an iceberg, according to Anne Henry of the non-profit BizParentz.

Watching An Open Secret last night at its world premiere at DOC NYC, I was floored by its power. It struck me that this movie, if seen by enough people, could change things. It could contribute to making the world a better place by righting objective wrongs, a la Blackfish.

Singer's accuser Michael Egan has since dropped his case, but Singer's connection to Marc Collins-Rector's teen-filled party scene hosted at his Hollywood mansion is detailed with specificity in the damning An Open Secret. Singer, according the doc, was an investor in Collins-Rector's Digital Entertainment Network, an early purveyor of original video content on the internet a la Netflix. Collins-Rector founded DEN with Chad Shackley. Collins-Rector and Shackley became romantically involved, according to the documentary, when Shackley was 15. DEN, then, was their way of luring teen guys (some of whom were interviewed in An Open Secret) who aspired to stardom. Some of these guys would attend the parties at Collins-Rector's house—parties that Singer allegedly frequented.

Though much of our reporting focused on the "barely legal" relations at Collins-Rector's parties, An Open Secret suggests that there were decidedly illegal guys who were being preyed upon. Guys who were 14, 15, 16, 17. We see footage of a young Ben Savage being greeted by Collins-Rector at his home. Collins-Rector's embrace drops so that he can grope Savage's ass. "Your buddy's here: Michael Huffington," says Collins-Rector. Savage replies that he's excited. Huffington, a former congressman and film producer, was another of DEN's investors.

The allegations against Singer seem like a distant memory, just months later. Egan, who's interviewed in the film and provided boxes and boxes of documents that he'd Xeroxed after sneaking into Collins-Rector's office, eventually dropped his case. Singer's X-Men: Days of Future Past was a huge hit, and he's already at work on X-Men: Apocalypse. Since the allegations, he announced that he is bisexual and having a child with a woman he says he'd previously had a romantic relationship with. Terrific timing.

But consider the company Singer has kept. Consider the fact that he enlisted his buddy Brian Peck to record the commentary for the first X-Men. In 2003, Peck was arrested for lewd acts with a child. He pled guilty to two. He is a registered sex offender. The child actor was well-known for his work on a Nickelodeon show that Peck also worked on. In his lawsuit, the kid remained anonymous so that he could continue working. Part of what complicates this particular line of abuse is that the survivors who speak out risk either never being hired or never working again. That An Open Secret presents multiple examples of kids who were abused by men of power in Hollywood is a feat in itself. The movie is brimming with courage.

Singer's attorney Marty Singer spoke to The Hollywood Reporter regarding An Open Secret:

Singer's attorney Marty Singer (no relation) has not seen the film yet, but he questions why Egan's allegations were included. "It's disappointing and pathetic that Amy Berg would rely on the word of Michael Egan, a proven liar, who recently was admonished by a federal judge for lying in court," Singer tells THR. "Egan has no credibility at all and can hardly be considered a reliable source for her so-called documentary."

The movie's climax has nothing to do with Singer, but concerns Michael Harrah, who until recently worked as the Chairperson of the Young Performers Committee at the Screen Actors Guild. When a publicist named Bob Villard was arrested for child molestation, the LAPD publicly sought additional victims of Villard to step forward. The LAPD specifically called on SAG to help with the investigation. At a meeting, Harrah "vehemently opposed SAG getting involved," according to Anne Henry, who worked on the YPC, as well.

Harrah would at times have several aspiring young actors living with him. One of them, identified in the movie as Joey C., calls Harrah on camera, and says, "I didn't like when you tried to make me sleep in your bed and touch me. I hated that."

"That was something unwanted I shouldn't have done, and there's no way you can undo that," says Harrah who doesn't know he's being recorded.

When Harrah is interviewed about the allegation he unwittingly admitted to, he says, "I don't know what Joey is remembering, but I don't remember anything that would have caused him to feel that way. All I can say is that as a result of the situation he was in, not only with me but with others, that that was how he perceived something. It certainly wasn't anything I intended and that was going to be my response to it."

Berg asks Harrah if he's attracted to young boys and his response is, "Not particularly, no."

To the Hollywood Reporter, Harrah and SAG had this to say:

"[Berg] quoted someone she had apparently talked to, and that information didn't seem to be correct," Harrah tells THR. "It's hard to respond to anything that is so nebulous." Adds a SAG-AFTRA rep, "We have not received complaints nor suggestions of any wrongdoing regarding the former committee member who resigned earlier this year."

An Open Secret does not yet have distribution, as Berg told the crowed after the screening last night. Here's more on that, again from The Hollywood Reporter:

Will a distributor now step forward, or will the film, which cost about $1 million to make, prove too hot for Hollywood, forcing the filmmakers to take the self-distribution route? Several distributors have looked at it, and [producer Matthew] Valentinas says there is one, which he would not name, that has expressed definite interest. Says another distributor who passed, explaining there wasn't room for it on his release slate: "It's extremely compelling. How explosive it is remains to be seen. But I would not have any issue working on this film and think it would be a very interesting release." Valentinas adds, "I think it's going to come down to how courageous the executives are who look at this film. I think Hollywood is obviously nervous about the film, but I think once it is out there and everyone sees it, I'm sure we'll have a lot of suitors for the film. I'm glad it's premiering in New York, and I'm grateful for [artistic director of DOC NYC] Thom Powers for giving us this venue to get the film out there."

People need to see this movie.

[Image via Getty]

Jonathan Koppenhaver, the mixed marital arts fighter known as "War Machine," was admonished in a Las Vegas courtroom yesterday for laughing during the testimony of alleged victim Christy Mack. Koppenhaver's lawyer denied his client had laughed at all, causing judge Melanie Andress-Tobiasson to respond, "I watched him laugh."

According to NBC, Koppenhaver now faces 34 felony charges—including kidnapping, sexual assault and attempted murder—related to the alleged abuse of his former girlfriend, popular porn performer Christy Mack.

In August, the MMA fighter was famously the subject of a weeklong manhunt after a brutal attack that left Mack nearly dead.

[Image via AP Images//h/t Uproxx]

A man in Homberg, Germany was so incensed by an argument that he was having with his family that instead of going out to have a few neat whiskeys, or running up the stairs and slamming in the door, he blew himself up outside the family's house.

According to a report in the Associated Press, after the argument, the man drove away in his car, only to return later with explosives. The man then blew himself and his car up in close proximity to the house, killing himself and injuring several others.

Via the AP:

The seven people slightly wounded by debris from the explosion included family members, neighbors and two police officers who had been called to settle the family argument. The blast also damaged neighboring homes.

Police are investigating the case.

[Image via Shutterstock]

ISIS militants released a grisly new video Sunday morning showing the mass execution of Syrian soldiers and the purported severed head of American aid worker Peter Kassig. Kassig—a former Army Ranger—was kidnapped while delivering medical supplies in northern Syria last year.

Unlike previous beheading videos released by ISIS, the clip does not contain footage of their captive's execution, showing only a bloodied head at a masked figure's feet.

Kassig's family released a statement on Sunday saying they are waiting for official confirmation of their son's death. According to the BBC, authorities are still working to authenticate the video.

The 115th Hunger Games movie will release this coming week, so a fitting choice to host Saturday night's episode of SNL was goofball Woody Harrelson and his closest companion, maryjane. In the True Detective actor's silly monologue, his pals from the HG franchise came by to jog his weed-addled memory.

Jennifer Lawrence was her typical likable self, phenomenally fucking up her lines on live television, right after Harrelson exclaimed, "The real Taylor Swift—right here!!"

The best sketch from the night—by a long shot—was The Dudleys: a sitcom that changes its cast based on Twitter warriors' criticisms about gender, race, and sexual orientation of its characters.

Another great pre-recorded sketch imagined de Blasio's New York since the newly enforced looser marijuana laws. Sure looks like heaven out there.

Kendrick Lamar was the musical guest on the episode and performed the polarizing "i" and "Pay For It." He appears remarkably sweaty (??) and wearing black contact lenses (?), but otherwise Lamar put on an energetic performance sure to convert any non-believers.

The rest of the episode, which was just OK, can be caught here.

You, like me, might delusionally believe you're good at rapping along to Salt-N-Pepa songs. You are not. Rapping is very hard. This woman, however, pretty much nails it—at least until she sees she's being filmed.

On Saturday, a YouTube user shared this stealthily recorded video of his wife getting down to "None of Your Business," complete with what looks to be a well-practiced hand choreography routine. Unfortunately, once she sees the camera, the spell (and a sense of trust built up over years) is instantly broken.

"[T]reasure the little moments and don't worry if people are judging you!" reads the video's description, which is pretty questionable advice in world where loved ones upload sneaky footage of you for the amusement of millions of strangers.

[h/t Uproxx]

Last month, Hannibal Buress resurfaced allegations that comedian Bill Cosby has been a serial rapist over the course of his career. One woman, who had spoken out before, came forward in October to retell her story in minute detail. Cosby has remained silent on the rape allegations, and as of today, will continue to officially do so, his lawyer claims.

After Bill Cosby responded to questions about the alleged rapes on Saturday's episode of Weekend Edition with head shaking and silence, the comedian's lawyer released a statement on Sunday that speaks even bigger volumes. Cosby plans, officially, to say nothing at all:

Via BillCosby.com:

Over the last several weeks, decade-old, discredited allegations against Mr. Cosby have resurfaced. The fact that they are being repeated does not make them true. Mr. Cosby does not intend to dignify these allegations with any comment. He would like to thank all his fans for the outpouring of support and assure them that, at age 77, he is doing his best work. There will be no further statement from Mr. Cosby or any of his representatives.

- John P. Schmitt, lawyer for Bill Cosby

"He is doing his best work."

[Image via AP]

Lifetime's stiff treatment of the life of Aaliyah Haughton, Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B, was not exactly so bad it was good, but it was fun to mock. Basically, you had to put in work to find good in the boring, terribly cast, musically inept slog. Aaliyah died in a plane crash at age 22 in 2001; Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B felt longer than her actual, brief life.

The treatment of Aaliyah's relationship with R. Kelly, to whom she married when she was 15 (he was 27) was particularly tasteless in a soap operatic sort of way. A heart-to-heart about their real feelings and how the world wouldn't understand concluded with Aaliyah (played by Alexandra Shipp) saying, "Eighteen feels like an eternity from now." Seconds after, Lifetime ran a commercial for Osphena, a drug that helps remedy painful intercourse during menopause. Something for everyone, I guess.

See that clip above. Below is a clip of Aaliyah's parents wrath once they found out their daughter and Kelly and married. It includes the line, "Stay away from my daughter, or I'll have you charged with statutory rape!"

As Cover Hope wrote on Jezebel: "At one point, she talks back to her parents as if they're treating her like a child (in real life, she was 15 when they married) and not, I don't know, trying to protect her from a pedophile. The movie, offensively, makes it seem like it's just teen problems—'I hate you! I hate both of you!' she tells her parents."

The casting was so off that it spawned the meme/hashtag #LifetimeBeLike. Lifetime's Missy Elliott (portrayed by Chattrisse Dolabaille) of the mid-'90s looked way more like the Missy of the '00s, and that's not saying much:

[ Missy in 1997 via Getty]

And uh Izaak Smith...

...was supposed to be Timbaland:

So yeah, that was bad, too.

The sightless approach to casting was mocked on Twitter like this:

#LifetimeBeLike The James Brown Story: Godfather of Soul @callmedollar lls 😂 #LifetimeBiopics pic.twitter.com/FWvld67unV"

— SheLuvsDallas..... (@ladykye81) November 16, 2014

the dmx lifetime biopic pic.twitter.com/NMRmPJMoLo

— Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) November 16, 2014

#LifetimeBeLike "How You Doin?: The Wendy Williams Story" pic.twitter.com/Gm6td54DsU

— S.K. The King⭐268K (@SK_TheKing_) November 16, 2014

#LifetimeBeLike Lifetime Presents: The Iggy Azalea Story pic.twitter.com/9erLl6Bbm3

— S.K. The King⭐268K (@SK_TheKing_) November 16, 2014

Finally, the music was just awful. For the most part, Lifetime didn't license Aaliyah's music, but it did use some of the covers she did, like the Isley Brothers' "At Your Best (You Are Love)" and Marvin Gaye's "Got To Give It Up." During the scene in which she performed the latter on a talk show, the music's BPM changed several times for no seeming reason, giving it a woozy feel and making me feel like I wanted to vomit—even more so than I had felt while watching the biopic's most melodramatic scenes.

Timbaland dedicated several Instagram posts to his displeasure with what he called "that bullshit Aaliyah movie." They are, uniformly, better than that bullshit Aaliyah movie.

An Idaho biology teacher is facing disciplinary action after Steven Seagal-ing a live rabbit during a lesson for his 10th grade class, Boise's KTVB reports.

According to school district spokesperson Allison Westfall, the rabbit was placed in a restraining device before the teacher snapped its neck, after which it was skinned and "cut up."

From the NY Daily News:

The part-time teacher was not identified. He is also a farmer. The demonstration was intended to show the 10th grade students how foot gets to the table.

But Nampa School District officials said they were not aware that an animal was going to be killed in class.

The teacher apparently provided the bunny dismantling tutorial at the insistence of his class. "The students had asked," said Westfall.

[Image via Shutterstock]

If you get Ebola, it turns out that the single best thing you can do is to drink a gallon of water a day. "I want sports personalities to be talking about it," says a doctor in Sierra Leone. "I want everybody to be talking about it." Spread the word!

Katherine Heigl returns to television—on a different network, in a different decade, with the same manager (her mommy)—to play a character whose time has come: CIA operative Charleston Tucker, whose fiancé is the son of Presidential Twofer Alfre Woodard. Also he is dead, blown up by terrorists in front of their eyes. So the state of their affair is, it's over.

Logline: What if Katie Heigl and Alfre Woodard made a TV show, what would it be about? Anything seems likely. Maybe they're neighbors, maybe they live in the South like on I'll Fly Away or In the Heat of the Night. No, probably they are the President and the CIA. That sounds good. That sounds like a winner.

Other Logline: People like Homeland, right? Only who do people hate more than Claire Danes? And don't say Gwyneth, she's going through a lot right now. Who do people hate more than anything?

*knock-knock*
Oh hey, Katherine Heigl's mom. How did you... Do that?
"It is because I am everywhere."

Bottom Line: There is nothing wrong with this, in theory. A hard-drinking CIA analyst whose mother-figure is President Alfre Woodard? That sounds awesome. In the Blacklist timeslot? You betcha. It's a shame that Katherine Heigl always wants to fail with guns, for whatever reason, but remember how much we liked her in 27 Dresses? (Magical.) Remember Izzie yanking off her clothes for feminism, before she got a brain tumor and fucked a ghost?

So perhaps just pretend that you are walking against the herd, upstream like a salmon, shedding sheeple—remembering that it started with Grey's but only got huge with Apatow, and everybody hates Apatow now—as you dare yourself, nihilistically, to be the first person to stop having a problem with Katherine Heigl before the tide turns. And hope that works out for yourself.

Watch This Show! If you are one of the Cool Kids who thinks giving Katherine Heigl her fifth shot is a good idea slash hilarious. If you like seeing people try to remake Homeland and The Good Wife, no matter how many times they fuck it up. If you like to be surprised by things turning out not to suck, but don't mind if they do. If you think Katie and Alfre are so pretty, because they are.

Absolutely Do Not Watch This Show! What are you, a idiot?

Parents Television Council Says: "Designate the Parents Television Council as the beneficiary of your asset by will, trust or other investment" and there's a link you can click to do that, for in case you die and you're worried that people will watch television while you are dead. How fucked up is that.

State of Affairs airs Mondays on NBC at 9/8c., starting this week.

STAY TUNED for more Should I Watch This, here at Morning After.

Just 10 years ago, Taylor Swift was a normal(ish) Pennsylvania middle schooler, who did normal middle school things like playing "Island Girl 1" in a smoothie commercial for a class project. Despite having one line, she gets top billing in the credits, because she's Taylor Swift.

The video has been on YouTube (but unlisted) since 2008, uploaded by the classmate who edited it. But it hadn't been widely seen until this weekend, when a college buddy of one of the kids in the video put it on Reddit.

Sure, it's kind of awkward, but so is every part of every middle school experience, by definition. At least Tay-tay was just a tropical smoothie spokesmodel, instead of whatever dopest-on-a-ropest middle-schooler ever Kim Kardashian got up to.

[h/t The Blemish]

Deadspin Feds Surprise NFL Teams With Postgame Drug Shakedowns | Gizmodo A 5-Year-Old Passed a Microsoft IT Technician Exam | Jalopnik Steel Beach- When US Navy Ships Throw Giant Beach Picnic Parties | Jezebel How to Avoid Dying Alone With No One to Claim Your Body

If you pay an individual or a big company to invest your money for you, you should be aware of the fact that there is an extremely convincing case that you are foolishly throwing your money into the garbage can.

This is not even a secret! It has been amply demonstrated many times before that "active" investment management—which means you paying a smart guy in a suit to pick where to invest your money, on the assumption that he will give you a better return than you could possibly get on your own, because hey, he's a professional, and has a nice suit—does not generally pay for you, the investor, once you subtract the fees that you pay to these god damn investment advisers. And yet the industry persists! Today, there is yet another study out, this one from State Street, containing a variety of numbers that show quite plainly that the entire Guy In A Suit Charging You To Invest Your Money industry is one big ripoff.

"In total, the industry generates approximately $600 billion in active fees every year." Six hundred billion dollars we hand over annually to these investment managers in order to help us "beat the market." The concept of "beating the market" is referred to as generating "alpha," and it is the entire reason that we give $600 billion to these people in the first place. And how do they do? Well, in 2006, "the percentage of funds delivering 'true' alpha [meaning from skill, not luck] had shrunk to only 0.6 percent."

Zero point six percent. That is the chance that you have of selecting a mutual or other fund that will actually be worth what you pay for it. It is also, by the way, the chance that the person you pay to select funds for you has of selecting a worthwhile fund. It is not a good chance, in either case. So when the report notes that "only 49 percent of investors believe their provider is acting in the investors' best interest," the only real question is why that percentage is so low.

Perhaps you should just pick mutual funds on your own? You will still almost certainly lose! Consider: "researchers followed the returns of 715 US stock mutual funds, which had posted top quartile performance as of March 2010. Only two of the funds persisted in remaining in the top 25 percent throughout the subsequent four-year period (March 2010 to March 2014)." If you believe that it makes good sense to pay a premium fee to a mutual fund manager who has a 2/715 chance of having just four good years in a row, you are exactly the sort of sucker to whom the mutual fund industry would like to send a glossy pamphlet full of stock photos of attractive business people.

You can buy extremely low-cost index funds from companies like Vanguard that seek only to match the market, not to beat it, and you will save yourself a boatload of fees that you would have otherwise paid to Some Guy In A Suit who is no better at "beating the market" than you are, in all likelihood. There is $600 billion to be saved. We can spend that on candy.

[Photo: Shutterstock]

With an eight-year prison sentence looming, Phaedra's husband, Apollo, must figure that things can't get much worse. And so he apologizes to Kenya for lying to everyone IN THE WORLD about her trying to get into his pants. In the words of Peter Thomas, "You know we have to apologize to this chick because we've been looking at her like she's a ho for the last two years."

Yes, all of Apollo's claims about Kenya—that he saw her in L.A., that she offered him fellatio, that he could have had sex with her anytime he wanted—were total fabrications. And why would he make all this up? I mean, the short answer is because he's an idiot. His rationale is that the whole situation with the butt-workout DVDs was making his life hell, and ALSO Kenya pointed out texts that he sent her at a reunion and intimated that he was trying to come on to her. Which he probably was!

This confession/apology takes place at the Bar One party celebrating Cynthia's spread in Ebony. Phaedra, who is busy taking care of her kids and sticking actual knives in her Apollo voodoo doll, is not in attendance, but the Baileys and Burruss-Tuckers are there, along with new Housewife Claudia Jordan. They all obviously think that Apollo is wack and his lies were inexcusable, and Kandi notes that Kenya and Phaedra had beef for three years all because Phaedra thought Kenya was trying to screw her husband.

Phaedra is going to be PISSED when she finds out about this, though whether Kenya will get the apology from her that she covets remains to be seen. At the very least, I think Phaedra should express remorse at continuously calling her "Kenya Moore-Whore." I for one am sorry that I cackled when Porsha called her a "slut from the 90s," even though when it comes down to it that was a very great multilevular burn. For his part, Apollo's apology involves him at one point calling Kenya a rude ass for insisting that he get specific about the nature of his apology. Apollo subsequently is compelled to offer an apology within an apology, as calling Kenya an ass was "not in the plan." Like, really, though, what is wrong with him? And could Phaedra not have found an attractive sperm donor who was neither a felon nor a complete fool?

In any case, Apollo has bid adieu to any sympathy that he was trying to generate for the fact that Phaedra is completely icing him out. Good for her for completely ignoring him at Ayden's very awkward dentist appointment, leaving poor little Ayden to cutely mutter, "Daddy? Oh boy. Oooooh boy." That kid can read a room! (Also, did you ever think the phrase "teamwork brushing" could be so sad?)

Phaedra must get some comfort from Ayden thinking that she's Supermommy, even without hearing her say, "I am not raising any Dustin Diamonds, any Macauley Culkins or Gary Colemans. I am raising some strong black men, and that's what they will be."

Other things happened too! We faced the return of Mama Joyce, complete with Jaws-like music of dread as she approached Kandi's door. And I really do subscribe strongly to the belief that it's terrible to speak ill of someone's elderly mother. But…oh man, does Mama Joyce make it difficult. She's just 100% miserable, except for when Kandi buys her things. Like a HOUSE. Yes, Mama Joyce is unhappy with both of the two houses that she currently has the option to live in, and so Kandi has found her a lovely place just down the street. As you may imagine, Todd is THRILLED about her impending proximity.

Todd will be even happier to note that Mama Joyce dreamed that he had a vasectomy. Is this a typical kind of thing to dream about your son-in-law? Is it finally the evidence that Kandi needs to put her mom on some damn meds? Mama Joyce is also resolute in her belief that she does not owe an apology to Todd's mother, Sharon, for saying that Todd was the son of a pimp and a prostitute. After all, she says, Sharon called her the b-word, which is apparently MORE the height of rudeness than saying someone was an actual prostitute, even when it's in response to someone saying that you were an actual prostitute. Admittedly, Mama Joyce's Guide to Etiquette WOULD be a compelling read.

This episode also saw Nene in the premiere of Zumanity, playing some sort of orgy ringmaster even though, "In the beginning, I was having a hard time with the whole orgy. Because I didn't know what you do. You know, I don't know if you hug each other, kiss each other, teabag." (!!!!!!!!!!!) Nene is apparently having a hard time memorizing all of her lines, and prays to the Lord Jesus to help her. And if the Lord Jesus is spending precious minutes on freaking Zumanity, it's no wonder about this whole Ebola situation. None of the other Housewives show up for the premiere, which I am sad about because no doubt they would have said the MEANEST things. Also, did anyone else notice that although Nene said the show was sold out, there looked to be a ton of empty seats in the audience?

It's too early to get a good read on new Housewife Claudia Jordan, who is allegedly a friend of Kenya's and has moved to Atlanta for a co-hosting gig on the Rickey Smiley Morning Show. She DOES get a good burn in by saying that she moved her purse when Apollo sat down so he wouldn't get her social security card, and allegedly has some Kordell-related beef with Porsha coming up, which is great in that it means we'll see more of Porsha.

And finally, Kenya is still smarting from her physical altercation with Porsha at last season's reunion. She's trying to get over it, which is not helped when Kandi drops the opinion that Kenya had it coming and that the incident didn't warrant a call to the police. Still, Kenya perseveres, pouring her pain into music with her friend Brandon in a number that will likely be a centerpiece of the eventual Real Housewives of Atlanta: The Musical. So now, jump-start your week with a spirited rendition of, "Really, Bitch?"

Next week: Phaedra hears about Apollo's lies, Apollo sees a divorce lawyer, and the Porsha/Cynthia beef commences.

[ Video and images via Bravo]

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Take one mad shoe-magnate-turned-auto-racer. Add an 845 horsepower all-wheel-drive 1965 Ford Mustang. Call it the Hoonicorn. Sprinkle in a touch of insanity and a humongous heaping of tire smoke. This is Gymkhana 7.

We knew Gymkhana 7 was going to be nuts about a month ago, when we first heard the 410-cubic-inch Roush Yates V8 scream damn near across the country. Then we saw him scare the crap out of Chris Harris.

But this is pure insanity. Pure, wonderful insanity that we've come to know and love.