Coffee played an integral role in the early-2000s mother-daughter psychodrama Gilmore Girls, and Luke Danes, the town’s dinerman, was its primary purveyor. Much was made throughout the series about how Luke brewed “the best coffee in town,” but was his coffee really any good? Hmm. A great question.

I began drinking coffee when I was about 15; I began watching Gilmore Girls around the same age. The coffee I drank at the time came most often from the Wendy’s next to my high school, and my introduction to it came from an older guy I had a crush on. “Hmm yes, I drink my Wendy’s coffee ‘black,’ too, actually.” It tasted like garbage, from what I can remember, but each purchase was no doubt very impressive to that guy.

As I aged with the series and my taste in coffee became less Wendy’s-exclusive, it struck me as odd that Lorelai, Rory, and any old stranger who wandered into Luke’s Diner seemed to think Luke’s coffee was notably “good.” Luke didn’t drink coffee himself, which is suspicious, and he nearly always gave Lorelai a hard time about her coffee consumption. (“I can give you herbal tea and a Balance bar,” he told her after she ordered a coffee in episode two.) Would a person who dislikes not only coffee but the very idea of coffee be the person you’d expect to make a “good” cup of coffee?

Would he?

Tell me—would he??

I doubt it!!!!

On top of that, when Luke was shown making his coffee the blend was pre-ground and came from a large, generic-looking tin. A guy who hates coffee throwing some old, stale coffee grounds into his diner coffee machine—“good” coffee, yeah right. Fine coffee, maybe. Coffee you don’t want to spit out of your mouth because it is disgusting and you hate it so much, sure. But GOOD?

In any case, Lorelai lauded the coffee, while dismissing coffee from Weston’s—a nearby bakery—as inferior, and never going out of her way to praise the coffee Sookie made for the Inn. Lorelai’s love of Luke’s coffee—and coffee in general—is, in fact, the very first thing we learn about her in the opening scene of the pilot episode:

Lorelai: Please, Luke. Please, please, please!
Luke: How many cups have you had this morning?
Lorelai: None.
Luke: Plus?
Lorelai: Five, but yours is better.
Luke: You have a problem.
Lorelai: Yes, I do.
[Luke gives her coffee.]
Luke: Junkie.
Lorelai: Angel. You’ve got wings, baby.

Later, a man in the diner chats her up, saying, “You make [that coffee] look really good.” “Oh it is really good,” she replies. “It’s the best coffee in town.”

Of course, Stars Hollow is a small town, and maybe, if townies were the only ones to praise Luke’s coffee, the love of Luke’s coffee could be dismissed as being due to a dearth of coffee options. But townies weren’t the only ones to praise Luke’s coffee. For example, in season three, episode 12, an episode titled “Lorelai Out of Water,” Taylor Doose’s attorney Nicole Leahy takes a sip of Luke’s coffee and says, “That’s a really good cup of coffee.”

So, see?

Do you see what I’m saying?

In season two, episode one, we’re given a clear glimpse of the Luke’s Diner brand of coffee:

San Francisco’s Hills Bros. Coffee.

In this scene, we’re also given a peek at Luke’s coffee preparation method:

Just dumping it in the thing.

(Granted, at this moment Lorelai was telling Luke that she’d accepted Max Medina’s marriage proposal, and Luke was devastated, because Max Medina?, why would she marry Max Medina?, she supposed to marry LUKE, but even so it is hard to imagine he ever put more care into his coffee preparation than we are witnessing in this still.)

Hills Bros., founded in 1878, is owned by the Massimo Zanetti Beverage Group, which also owns Chock full o’Nuts. I’m no snob, which is sort of a lie, but finding out this was the coffee used in Luke’s Diner seemed to only further my long-held belief that Luke’s coffee could not possibly be as good as everyone made it out to be. A bunch of liars, and I don’t even know why they’re lying to me. Stop lying. Stop.

That is, this info seemed to further my long-held belief until I looked at the Hills Bros. Coffee Amazon reviews:

Damn.

People love this coffee.

“if you’re drinking maxwell house, foldgers, 8 0 clock, chock full of whatever, donut house coffee and Dennys please give this a try..if you dont like it , send me the bill,seriously..” said one bold gentleman who did not provide an address. “Mmmmm the smell of Hills Bros Coffee as you open the package is delicious,” said some other guy. “I would only recommend this to a person who is going on a river trip,” said another person. (Not a compliment.)

If you’re thinking that maybe this is what the Amazon review spread would look like for any major brand of coffee, due to the fact that, typically, if you’re buying a major brand of coffee it’s because that’s the coffee you buy all the time, and you buy it all the time because you like it, or maybe you have some sort of emotional attachment to it because maybe that’s the kind of coffee your dad drank, or whatever, well—I’m curious about why you seem to want to ruin the arch of my blog post. Just naturally rude? Please mind your own business!

You’re right, though. Here’s Folgers:

Damn.

People love this coffee.

In any case, Amazon reviewers did seem to go out of there way to find Hills Bros., which I have never seen in a grocery store, and apparently it drove everyone in Stars Hollow fucking nuts, so I don’t know. Maybe it’s good. I ordered a big tin of it from Amazon to see for myself.

Here is a photo of my Hills Bros. coffee outside in the morning, on a lovely September day:

After brewing a batch of coffee according to the Hills Bros. Coffee instructions—one tablespoon of coffee for each six-ounce cup of water—which seems to me like not enough coffee but who am I to judge Hills Bro. Coffee on the way they instruct you to prepare the product they presumably know best: Hills Bros. Coffee—I poured the liquid into my mug. It was pleasingly and unexpectedly dark. I was thinking that it would be light and weak, but no—dark.

Although the scent was inherently pleasing because it was morning and it was coffee, it also smelled like coffee that wasn’t going to taste very good. Like the kind of coffee that smells a little like old burnt coffee grounds, or like coffee that smells cold even though it is hot.

I did not add any cream, because Rory and Lorelai did not typically add any cream to their Luke’s Diner coffee, and tried the coffee. It was not great.

I’ll say this: it was maybe a little better than normal grocery store coffee. It was a bit more interesting, though still retained the watery-ness of coffee that isn’t very good. I’m not upset that I have an enormous tin of it in my kitchen now. It will be good for when I run out of other kinds of coffee. But if I was served this coffee in a diner I would think not think “this is good coffee,” instead I would think: this makes sense. I’m in a diner, and this is how diner coffee should taste: not very good.

So I guess I was right, then.

Images via the CW. Contact the author at kelly.conaboy@gawker.com.

“It is a call for black people in this country to unite, to recognize their heritage, to build a sense of community,” activist Stokely Carmichael said in June 1966 upon his release from jail (he had been arrested during the March Against Fear). “It is a call for black people to define their own goals.” Self-determination, Carmichael believed, was the first need of a free people.

The paradox of Carmichael’s charge, however, was that black Americans were not truly free. They had voting rights, on account of the passage of legislation the year before, and could own property, but the racist practices that permeated the nation continued to cripple and chain black men, women, and families at every turn. Real freedom—equal access to education, housing, jobs, and health facilities; the endowment of political might; the privilege to walk down the street without the fear of one breathing his last breath—was still far, far off.

But it was Carmichael’s message of black power and pride—that is, socio-economic independence from white capitalist structures which reinforced the belief that black was not beautiful but instead a roadblock to the kind of progress our founding fathers supposedly believed in—that helped give rise to a new liberation movement in American history: the Black Panther Party.

The Panthers are the subject of the new Stanley Nelson-directed documentary, The Black Panthers: Vanguard of the Revolution, which charts the spectacular rise and stormy dissolution of the organization. Nelson’s film begins four months after Carmichael’s speech, in October 1966, on the occasion of the Panthers’ founding in Oakland, California by Bobby Seale and Huey P. Newton. Of the original six members, two—Elbert “Big Man” Howard and Sherwin Forte—recall the turbulence of the era in grave detail. “We were setting a new course that we wanted the whole community to follow,” Forte says early in the film. Along with Howard and Forte, former police officers and a range of historians, Nelson interviews several other living members of the party, including Ericka Huggins, Jamal Joseph, Tarika Lewis, and Emory Douglas, the organization’s former Minister of Culture who designed many of the posters and stunning front pages of the party newspaper, The Black Panther.

If Göran Olsson’s 2011 documentary, The Black Power Mixtape 1967-1975, offered a macro-view of the black radical freedom movement Carmichael, Malcolm X, Angela Davis, and the Panthers helped to establish and define, Nelson’s film is all the more powerful for its laser focus on the inner-workings of the black nationalist organization. There is a popular misconception that the Black Panthers were anti-white. This is wrong. The party was anti-oppression, and Nelson makes this point evident. Nelson devotes significant portions of the film to highlighting the organization’s 10-point platform (Point 3: “We Want An End To The Robbery By The Capitalists Of Our Black Community”) and several members testify to the Panthers’ community-minded ethos. Among various public enrichment programs, this included social service initiatives in poor neighborhoods—such as free clinics, food distribution drives, and a free breakfast program for kids, which, at its peak, served 20,000 meals across 19 different communities every week—and Fred Hampton’s push to broaden the organization’s reach in Chicago by building a “broad-based” alliance, working with the Young Lords in the Latino community and the Young Patriots Organization in the white community to broker a multiracial coalition.

The party’s growth, however, would become one of its downfalls. Member Kathleen Cleaver notes of the Panthers expansion beyond Oakland: “It was too fast and too big.” As the party expanded and the message of “All power to the people” became a rallying cry in both black and white households across the nation, FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover—a man so sick he believed justice was “merely incidental to law and order”—conspired to disband the Panthers, who he felt were a threat to the status quo. Considered a “black nationalist hate group,” Hoover, along with the help of local law enforcement, recruited informants to “disrupt, misdirect, discredit, neutralize and eliminate” the Panthers as part of the FBI’s counterintelligence program, known as COINTELPRO (similarly, the program sought to take down other prominent black activists like Malcolm X and Martin Luther King Jr.; “They killed their last chance for negotiation,” one party member remarks during the film’s brief overview of King’s assassination in 1968; Hampton was killed by police the same year).

In August 1970, party leader Huey P. Newton was released from prison after his conviction for the killing of Oakland police officer John Frey was overturned. His release, however, would mark the early stages of the party’s ultimate fracture. Newtown became a symbol—the “Free Huey!” campaign had made him a paragon of the party even as he sat behind bars—and division grew among executive-level members. The Panthers eventually split into two factions: members who supported Eldridge Cleaver’s vision and members who supported Newton’s vision. But the venom of mistrust, coupled with COINTELPRO’s diligent efforts to further dissolve the Panthers, had spread substantially. Rank-and-file members felt betrayed by party leaders, and Newton, in 1972, began shutting down satellite chapters across the country.

In spite of the organization’s shift in focus in later years—Seale ran for mayor of Oakland and former chairwoman Elaine Brown ran for a seat on the city council in a combined effort in 1973 to reclaim the city’s, and the party’s, political power (both would lose)—the mark the Panthers made on history, and in the lives of the young black kids their programs helped to survive, cannot be so easily cast aside. (The documentary is not without error: it largely sweeps over the misogyny that plagued some members or the fact that Cleaver had raped several women in his lifetime, which he openly admits in his 1968 memoir Soul on Ice.)

That this film arrives during a time of great social and political unrest is no mistake. The current Black Lives Matter movement is but an extension of the Panthers’ core goals and ideologies. Nelson’s film, while remarkable and revelatory, is a profound reminder that a free people—the free people Stokely Carmichael spoke so lovingly about—can never fully outrun history. But maybe that’s the true price of freedom and maybe the Panthers knew that best: the acknowledgement that liberation—when one is allowed to determine his or her own outcome without restriction and color-coded prejudice—comes only through unceasing battle. “The rage was in the streets,” Brown says at one point in the film, “It was everywhere.” Then and now.

For upcoming screenings of The Black Panthers: Vanguard of the Revolution, check listings here.

[Image via AP]

Everyone remembers the weather fourteen years ago. Every remembrance story, every “where were you when” conversation, every newscast before the attacks mentions how the sky was a brilliant, deep shade of blue the morning the world turned upside down. However, had the sky not been as clear as it was that day—if the hurricane off the coast of New England hadn’t ricocheted toward Canada—it’s very possible that the weather could have permanently changed the course of both American and world history.

http://thevane.gawker.com/everyone-remem...

Understandably lost in that particular news cycle was the fact that there was a pretty scary looking hurricane sitting a few hundred miles off the Northeast coast on September 11, 2001. In the waning days of summer and long before social media came around, such a storm at the peak of hurricane season was unremarkable—if not unknown—to most in the country unless watches and warnings were hoisted along the coast.

Hurricane Erin was your classic Cape Verde system, a tropical cyclone that’s born from the waves of thunderstorms that push off the western coast of Africa in August and September. The storm strengthened to a category three with maximum winds of 120 MPH as it passed northeast of Bermuda, and started on a gradual weakening trend by the time it made its closest approach to the United States on September 11.

The preceding day was one of those murky, late summer days you’re used to on the East Coast. The high temperature at New York’s Central Park on September 10, 2001, was a balmy 86°F with heavy showers and thunderstorms in the area. Caught under one of those showers, the weather station’s rain gauge measured just over an inch of rain, all thanks to a fall-like cold front swinging through the area from the Midwest.

By the morning of September 11, the cold front had pushed out into the Atlantic Ocean, allowing high pressure to build across most of the eastern United States in its wake. The result was the first deep, gorgeous blue sky many folks had seen in a long time, as the sky had usually been obscured by layers of clouds or that ugly summer haze up to that point.

It was remarkable, so much so that the sky permanently etched itself in the minds of so many people that morning.

If the cold front had moved just a bit slower, the weather might not have been as beautiful as it was on September 11. The timing of the frontal passage cleared the skies and allowed the hijacked flights to depart without delay, also affording those bastards clear visibility along their flight paths. Not only that, but the cold front also kept Hurricane Erin from drawing closer to the United States, which likely would have affected both weather and air travel in New York and Boston as airlines prepared for a potential strike from a formidable hurricane.

Adverse weather that morning would have been the butterfly effect in action—one small change in the starting conditions could have had a dramatic impact on the end result. A simple, lingering batch of rain or clouds, or even the effects of Hurricane Erin in the megalopolis on September 11, 2001, could have changed both history and the world as we know it.

[Images: NASA, NOAA]

Email: dennis.mersereau@gawker.com | Twitter: @wxdam

If you enjoy The Vane, then you’ll love my upcoming book, The Extreme Weather Survival Manual, which comes out on October 6 and is now available for pre-order on Amazon.

Today is You-Know-What, and like every year for the past fourteen years, you’re expected to feel solemn and anxious. And you should, for exactly one minute. But I’ve got another idea: how about after that initial pause for reflection, you instead focus on feeling better than ever on September 11th?

I get why we’re supposed to feel bad on 9/11—it follows an ancient logic. Converting a tragedy into a ceremony lets us control it and mediate feelings of grief and horror and loss through public performance and private reconciliation. A moment of silence has never brought anyone back to life, but it might make you feel a little less guilty about not being dead.

For each of the past fourteen September Elevenths since September Eleventh we’ve followed roughly the same regimen: we wake up to sad newspaper covers of remembrance, think about terrorism, watch some scary YouTube footage from That Day, feel nebulous dread, tense up a little when you take the subway or see an airplane, and then go to sleep thinking about terrorism. We do this each year because we feel like we have to, as if it’s rude to the dead to live normally. But the dead don’t care, because they’re dead. You know who’s still alive? A lot of terrorists!

Imagine this: you’re a member of Al-Qaeda, the once ascendant, gold standard of global terror, the Harvard of jihad. But now your leader is dead, your influence has waned, your mission is stalled, you haven’t pulled off large attack in ages, and you’re second fiddle (at best) to the new stars of ISIS. What do you have left going for you? This: once a year, you can be sure that the entire United States will feel crummy and anxious, still damaged from the attack you executed at the beginning of the last decade.

But what if we took that from them? What if this year and every year forward we used 9/11 as a national day of feeling fine? What if we were given the day off to enjoy ourselves, spend time with family members, sleep in, have a glass of wine, and not think about the threat of terrorism tomorrow and the trauma of terrorism over a decade ago? What if we didn’t feel a little extra scared on 9/11 because we were seeing a movie or having a dinner party with some funny friends? What if we were just being completely normal and catching up on the latest Hulu original content series while sipping a craft beer? I tell you what: Osama Bin Laden, if he were still alive, would hate it! He’d fucking hate it. He would be so irked by you sipping that beer and not being afraid of what he might do to you. He’s dead, but still, we can deprive lurking jihadis of this legacy, this yearly emotional attrition. We can piss them off so hard by going to a water park on 9/11.

It’s not unprecedented—we already kick back on bloody holidays without knowing it. Cinco De Mayo commemorates a battle between Mexico and France in which hundreds perished amidst a war that killed thousands. When we ask each other, Hey Brian, any plans for the 4th? We’re talking about the Declaration of Independence, which was of course a declaration of war. Would it be so different to ask each other, So, what’re you getting up to on the 11th? I don’t think so. And in fact, I do have plans for the 11th. I’m going to fly out of New York for a weekend in Wyoming, where I’ll go for walks, eat dark meats, look at rock formations, and not worry about Al-Qaeda in Iraq or ISIS or Jabhat al-Nusra or domestic white terrorists or anyone who wants me to feel like shit just because of the calendar. You can’t comfort the noble dead, because they’re dead, but you can always spite the living.

Image by Jim Cooke, source photo via Getty. Contact the author at biddle@gawker.com.
Public PGP key
PGP fingerprint: E93A 40D1 FA38 4B2B 1477 C855 3DEA F030 F340 E2C7

Suppose one night a witch came to you in a dream and presented you with the following proposition: You can have minor fame and a reasonable prenup if you marry Johnny Depp. But someday, when the time comes, you may have to go to jail for him because he needed a pair of dumb dogs with him on set to “focus,” whatever that means. Would you do it? Honestly, it doesn’t really matter if you would because someone has already taken your place: poor, sweet Amber Heard.

Does Depp sleep easy at night knowing his fall guy is bound not only by the vows of holy matrimony but also the full strength and force of Australian extradition laws? I’d guess yeah, he’s got that kind of face.

“You and your wife got into some legal trouble,” Jimmy Kimmel asked Depp last night. “Is that a fair way to describe it?”

“I mean, if that’s legal trouble, it’s by far the most interesting I’ve ever experienced,” Depp responded.

I don’t care what happens because my wife is taking the fall, ultimately, he maybe said—can you prove he didn’t?

“We were under the impression we had all the paperwork done for the dogs. We were there with the dogs in front of everybody,” he said. “There might have been other things smuggled. They seemed to miss that bit.”

Also charge my wife with drug smuggling!!!! he begged authorities.

“This sort of weird sweaty ... gutman who decided that two ... teacup Yorkshire terriers would harm the country in some way — he’s got a point,” he added, making the audience laugh.

“Especially when you consider that Australia has the most poisonous creatures on Earth.”

Take my wife!!! Please!!!

http://defamer.gawker.com/amber-heard-is...

Disturbing image via AP. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

In 2008, Lauren Conrad (of Laguna Beach, Calif.) made her runway debut at L.A. Fashion Week with the Lauren Conrad Collection, a now-defunct line she said was inspired by “a trip to Paris.” It was so panned by the press—New York called it “sad” and “bizarre”—that LC never attempted a fashion show again.

Until Wednesday night. Zut alors.

The LC Lauren Conrad Runway Collection for Kohl’s New York Fashion Week runway show, which we were not invited to but ultimately attended, took place one day before the official start of New York Fashion Week—a “kick-off” of sorts, according to Lauren’s PR people—at the Skylight Modern venue in Chelsea.

According to Lauren, the collection was “inspired by the mystery and enchantment of the forest”; according to reviewers at Vanity Fair and New York, the show was “solid,” “uncontroversial,” and “elevated basic.” Everything was made available for purchase online at Kohl’s immediately following the show.

“There is never just one thing that leads to success for anyone. I feel it always a combination of passion, dedication, hard work, and being in the right place at the right time.” —Lauren Conrad

Kelly: Our journey to the LC Lauren Conrad Runway Collection for Kohl’s New York Fashion Week runway show began the night before at 9 P.M. I texted Allie, “Wait should we try to go to Lauren conrad’s show tomorrow?” And she responded “omg” and then: “yes.” Perfect. We decided to try to get in even if we couldn’t get on the list, but this proved unnecessary. The next day Allie emailed a lady and the lady emailed back right away: we were on the list. It’s just that easy, my friends. The hottest ticket in town, LC Lauren Conrad Runway Collection for Kohl’s New York Fashion Week runway show, and we were there, on the list, in the “standing room” section, which seemed rude.

Before heading into the pre-show cocktail party, Allie and I got drinks on the roof of a hotel across the street. “Do you want to sit by the pool?” the hostess asked us. We did not—we wanted to spy on those heading into the LC Lauren Conrad Runway Collection for Kohl’s New York Fashion Week runway show—but it’s good to remember that if you want to go into a pool you just have to go to that rooftop, apparently, and remember to wear a swimsuit underneath your clothes.

We sipped our drinks and watched a handful of people in black clothing stand outside of the LC Lauren Conrad Runway Collection for Kohl’s New York Fashion Week runway show venue. Every so often it would seem like maybe there were two or three more of them meandering around out there, but also maybe it was just the same amount of people the whole time—a mystery.

We headed over around 6:20 and, guess what, our names were still on the list. “Ohh—you’re actually in standing room,” the young woman checking our names, dressed identically to the other young women checking other people’s names, (black dress), told us exactly as rudely as it seems written on the page. “You’re actually in standing room.” Uh-huh. Please note that we did not say “We’re Kelly and Allie and I believe we have a reservation.” Or something like, “We’re Kelly and Allie and we’re not in standing room—see for yourself, I bet it’s written on your list.” Or, “We’re Kelly and Allie and what we’re most excited about are the chairs!” Uhh—lady? Actually, WE KNOW WE’RE IN STANDING ROOM!!!!!!!

Allie: Until the minute that woman said “You’re actually in standing room,” I did not believe we were going to get into the LC Lauren Conrad Runway Collection for Kohl’s New York Fashion Week runway show. This was evidenced by the fact that I wore Birkenstocks to work the day of the show and did not bring any shoes to change. Who do we think we are? People who can get invitations to the LC Lauren Conrad Runway Collection for Kohl’s New York Fashion Week runway show mere hours before it starts? But I guess we are those people, and I in particular am a person who wore muddy Birkenstocks in LC’s house. Kelly wore cool boots.

As we walked downstairs to the pre-show cocktail hour (the LC Lauren Conrad Runway Collection for Kohl’s New York Fashion Week runway show was in a basement), I was hoping we’d get offered some kind of flower-printed press badge or swag bag or really anything for free. Not so. The only thing we received was the privilege of attending.

“I think when you’re put into a completely different situation and environment, you really see who you are. You’re not affected by what’s around you. You are who you are.” —Lauren Conrad

Allie: The cocktail hour was not an hour of cocktails, but an hour of sparkling rosé, which was fine by me. LC got the good stuff (Veuve) and part-time model-type bartenders wearing white shirts and skinny black ties were pouring generously. To really sell the rosé theme—I love the idea of like, pink bubbles, I imagine Lauren saying—there were two giant towers of it flanking the bar. To me: a waste. Personally, I would have spent that money on decorations, which were surprisingly sparse. Lauren’s line may have been “inspired by the mystery and enchantment of the forest,” but this was only communicated by one column in the center of the room that had branches glued to it.

As soon as we walked in, I recognized LC’s parents from Laguna Beach. They looked impossibly young and beautiful and excited to be having their picture taken. Then I recognized Ashley Tisdale.

Ashley was with her husband, whom I recognized from Instagram. I was recognizing people left and right at this thing—not because there were a lot of famous people or anything, but because I know faces and I pay attention. I recognized a man who briefly dated Roxy on The Hills spinoff The City. He was dressed in black and working as a photographer.

The scene, in general, was subdued and unthreatening, much like Lauren herself. I was a little nervous about being thrust into a “fashion” crowd (our outfits were okay, minus the Birkenstocks), but we blended in fine. The predominantly female guests were all dressed with a vibe I’d call “my favorite outfit that I saved for school assembly day.”

Kelly: Allie recognized basically every single person at the cocktail party, even though literally none of them were famous. She’d point at a guy and say something like, “Oh, that guy was a waiter in the background of a scene one time on The City.” Or something like, “Oh my god—that girl starred in a fashion Vine that got over 400 views,” or “That’s Ashley Tisdale.” Etc., etc. It was very impressive. I only recognized one person: Lo Bosworth. Hi, Lo!

The sparkling rosé was nice, and the bartenders were very beautiful. The crowd and the decor were, as Allie pointed out, decidedly not intimidating. Flowers in a vase. Sticks on the beam. Towers of sparkling rosé in coupe glasses to, I guess, denote “an excess of sparkling rosé.” People wearing clothes that didn’t look too expensive. Extras from The City taking photographs. Some chick in fucking Birkenstocks.

It was like a fancier bathroom than you would expect at something like a nail salon that caters to older, wealthy women on their birthdays.

“Some people are willing to betray years of friendship just to get a little bit of the spotlight.” —Lauren Conrad

Allie: At about 20 minutes till showtime, several assistants wearing black clothes and headsets as necklaces started ushering the crowd into the next room to be seated for the LC Lauren Conrad Collection for Kohl’s New York Fashion Week runway show. Nobody seemed to want to do that. Kelly and I were some of the first people to enter the show room, where we took our places in “standing room” behind chairs that no one was sitting in. Each chair had a little flower-printed card with a name on it, written in calligraphy. In front of us, there was a chair and a card for Sami Miro, who is Zac Efron’s girlfriend. “That’s for Zac Efron’s girlfriend,” I told Kelly.

I guessed that she would not show up, but she did, at the last second.

I think the funniest thing about the seating process was LC (or whoever was in charge of the assistants) made the assistants stand in each section of chairs and hold up signs—above their heads—with the letter name of the section. For like a half an hour! I don’t know if they got paid or what.

The second funniest thing was LC (or whoever was in charge of the seating chart) put Ashley Tisdale in the front row, and seated her husband behind her, in the second row. Ashley Tisdale is famous enough for the front row of the LC Lauren Conrad Collection for Kohl’s New York Fashion Week runway show, but her husband is not. A photographer tried to take a photo of the two of them sitting like that, and Mr. Tisdale did not think it was funny, I don’t think! If I were Ashley I probably would have just let my husband stay home, but I don’t have all the facts of the situation.

At five minutes till showtime, the seats were about half full, and there were about 25 of us in “standing room.” Chrissy Teigen came and sat next to Ashley in the front row, as did a Miss USA person who used to date a Jonas brother. Lo got to sit in the front row, but she did not get to sit next to any of those people.

Kelly and I were offered seats in the second row about five minutes later by an assistant who said, “We’re having trouble filling the seats.” After filling the seats, we were asked, almost immediately, to move up to the front row. O.K. we’ll do it!

Kelly: Did you know that Allie and I didn’t have seats originally and were instead put in “standing room”? It’s true. After we were ushered in, we took our place and ended up standing directly behind all of the famous (“famous”) women. Once again Allie proved her intense ability to know not only the face but also the name of every single nobody on Earth, pointing out that directly in front of us was a seating card with the name of Zac Efron’s girlfriend written on it. Incredible.

Because we were standing behind all of the famous (“famous”) women, we made it into the background of many, many photographs. It was impossible not to notice that we would be in the background of all of these photos, and Allie took it upon herself to enhance them:

:) Do you see her?

Frankly, I can’t believe Chrissy Teigen was there. Do you think she got paid to be there? I assume she probably did. She looked great.

Earlier in the night Allie and I talked about how we doubted enough people would attend the LC Lauren Conrad Runway Collection for Kohl’s New York Fashion Week runway show to fill up all the seats, and that we would probably be seated eventually. As you heard from Allie: we were right. From “standing room” to the second row to the first row. If only that rude as hell check-in lady could’ve seen us then.

“I love anything really feminine. I love any sort of girly detail - anything with a bow or a heart on it, I’m immediately in love with.” —Lauren Conrad

Kelly: As the show began, Allie and I took out our iPhones and dutifully began snapping photos of each outfit as it bopped down the runway. Why? I don’t know. I will never look at any of those photos ever again in my life, but there they are, on my phone, displaying lacy rompers and velvet tops and tulle skirts that, in general, I would describe as “fine enough.” It is a line for Kohl’s, and it didn’t seem like it wasn’t. But also I’d wear most of it if I had been given it in a swag bag, which, rudely, I was not. But also I’m not too particular.

The lady seated behind me kept saying all the outfits were “gorgeous,” so I wrote down “gorgeous” in the notes section of my phone. I also wrote down this funny thing Allie said about the show’s set design, which amounted to, essentially, piles of flowers here and there: “I’m gonna guess the budget wasn’t, like, infinite.” Hahaha. Damn.

Lauren Conrad came out at the end and Allie and I said, “WOOOOOO!”

A lot of the tops had a little gap in the back.

Allie: All of the models were pretty and none of them fell. Many of them had goofy braids on their heads, which was unnecessary (my opinion) but definitely LC’s idea. The clothes were what you’d expect—lacy tops; flouncy skirts; everything was white or pink or green or blue. I liked one of the dresses and would buy it for my cousin’s wedding if it was under $100 (it might be—everything in the line allegedly costs between $12 and $200).

I would say I was not so excited for Lauren Conrad after the show as Ramona Singer was when Sonja Morgan finally debuted her international fashion lifestyle brand on Real Housewives of New York City, but I still cheered for her.

“Imperfection is relatable.” —Lauren Conrad

Allie: When the show was over, we tried to go back into the cocktail party room, but an assistant told us it was for media only. When we explained that we were Allie and Kelly from Gawker and actually we were in the front row, she let us in but told us we would under no circumstances be allowed to interview Lauren Conrad. “She can only do a set number of interviews,” she said. She told us to ask Brittany if we wanted to try to interview some other people (like the Miss USA girl or something).

We never found Brittany, but we did find Ashley Tisdale’s husband hanging out by himself, waiting for Ashley to be done taking photos with Chrissy Teigen. At one point, he and Zac Efron’s girlfriend chatted to each other, which seemed nice, but then she left and he was alone again. Later, he put on headphones and stood by a wall.

With no Brittany and no real idea of what was going on, we decided we should just hang out and see what happened. What happened was Lauren Conrad came out, stood behind a velvet rope, and started doing interviews with people lined up to interview her. Kelly suggested we just get in line—a great idea.

After waiting for other outlets like Fortune and Fashionista to ask LC questions like, “What is your favorite item in the line?” it was finally our turn. Hi, Lauren.

First I asked her about current events. “Do you think you will buy the new rose gold iPhone?” I wondered. (Lauren has previously claimed that rose gold is her favorite metallic hue.)

“Probably!” she said. She asked what kind of iPhone it was, and I told her it was an iPhone 6, which was wrong. It’s actually an iPhone 6s. Lauren—I regret the error.

“I have the older one,” she offered. “I’m like a one-hander, like I use one hand with my phone because I’m a multi-tasker, so I’ve been really holding off [upgrading to a bigger phone]. I know eventually I’ll do the bigger phone.”

Then we asked if she will do another fashion show. “If this went well!” she said. “Ask me tomorrow, I don’t know.”

O.K.—final question. (We were allowed to ask three.) What does Lauren Conrad think about her former cast mates from The Hills participating in Fashion Week? For example, I told her, Kristin Cavallari is having a party for her shoe line.

“Well I think that it’s amazing that New York Fashion Week has welcomed any of us, so I think that’s really exciting.”

Kelly: “Well I think that it’s amazing that New York Fashion Week has welcomed any of us, so I think that’s really exciting.” Hahaha. I love it. Truly impressive that LC was able to whip together such delicate shade off-the-cuff like that. “Well—it takes all kinds.”

The thing about the interviews and the interview line was: I don’t understand what anyone could possibly have been asking any of the people available for interviews. “Chrissy Teigen, what did you think of the show?” “Ashley Tisdale, what did you think of the show?” “Women I don’t recognize, what did you all think of the show?” “CEO of Kohl’s—what did you think of the show?”

(The CEO of Kohl’s was there and available for interviews. We thought maybe he was a relative, so we asked one of the women with a headset, “Who is that guy?” She did not know either, so she asked another woman with a headset. The CEO of Kohl’s, as it turns out.)

This made it all the more impressive when Allie was able to put together two perfect questions for Lauren and one perfect fake question that we threw in to make us look less rude. I’m so glad Lauren was able to squeeze us in—I know she was only able to give a set number of interviews.

I shook her hand and said to her, “Congratulations.”

The saddest and nicest part of the whole experience was certainly Ashley Tisdale’s husband. That poor guy. Wandering around alone, standing alone, listening to—for sure—a podcast. At one point I heard him ask one of the ladies in a headset if she could tell him where the restroom was, and she said that she could not.

:(

Image via Getty, art by Jim Cooke. Other images via Kelly. Contact the author at allie@gawker.com.

All is forgiven, M. Night Shyamalan. If we had to endure the director’s last decade of cinematic abortions—which ranged from the hilariously bad (The Happening) to the utterly unwatchable (After Earth)—to get something as hilarious, weird, surprising, and nonstop entertaining as The Visit, it was well worth it. Not only is Shyamalan’s latest movie his best since The Sixth Sense, it’s an adrenalin shot to the creatively comatose subgenre of POV horror. Even more exciting is that it’s one of at least four solid horror movies opening this month (the others include Goodnight Mommy, Cooties, and Eli Roth’s ode to Italian cannibal movies, The Green Inferno). One moment, the horror genre seems deader than the bodies it piles up on screen, staler than the air in the haunted houses it’s been fixated on for the past few years; the next, we’re treated to an embarrassment of riches. (I would love to know if there ever in the history of modern horror have been four solid entries into the genre released in one month. I doubt it. That it’s happening in 2015 blows my mind.) We should probably stop laughing at Shyamalan when his name pops onscreen during the trailers for his upcoming movies. Instead, we should be thanking the man.

Though it has the hand-held, improvised feel of found-footage horror throughout, The Visit is more polished than your average Paranormal Activity flick. Protagonist Becca (Olivia DeJonge) is a teenage aspiring-filmmaker who’s making a documentary about her first visit to her grandparents’ house. Her footage is not found, but consciously produced. Exterior transitions, music cues, and well-composed shots season the movie, as Shyamalan folds his vision into Becca’s. Accompanying Becca on her trip is her younger brother, 13-year-old Tyler (Ed Oxenbould), a white kid with a lisp who’s so obsessed with hip-hop culture that he routinely breaks out into arrhythmic though periodically clever freestyles. Becca is prim and serious about filmmaking (“We’re looking for visual tension,” she advises Tyler upon handing him a camera so he can do his own filming), while Tyler is an obnoxious teen buffoon who calls out female pop singers’ names when he wants to curse (“Shakira!” “Sarah McLachlan!” “Katy Perry!”), and accuses his grandparents of “throwing shade” for barring them from entering the basement. And yet, the characters work—they’re idiosyncratic, annoying, and occasionally witty enough to come off as real kids.

Even better, though, are the grandparents, played by Deanna Dunagan and Peter McRobbie. They seem to exist on a vibration just a level or so above reality—is it because they’re old or ghosts or psychopaths or what? Most is revealed in time, but not before Dunagan delivers one of horror cinema’s great tour de force performances. It’s physical and peculiar, calling for her to change moods sometimes from sentence to sentence. She goes from grandmotherly sweet to monstrously furious with a ballet-like fluidity. As the weeklong visit goes by, the grandparents get stranger and stranger, especially after 9:30 (the children’s strictly enforced bedtime) and there is a flash of an image of a nude Dunagan (shot from behind) with her arms extended over her head, scratching her walls like a cat. That, and a few other moments in The Visit, are up there with Goodnight Mommy in terms of bizarrely inventive imagery. It’s astonishing that Shyamalan had all of this in him.

As evidence mounts that something is very wrong in that secluded house, Becca remains optimistic that there’s a sensible explanation for her grandmother asking her to climb into the oven to clean it (“The oven’s off!” she chirps, signaling there should be some doubt) or by her grandmother’s scampering around with them in the crawlspace underneath the house as they play hide and go seek in an impressively disorienting scene. (After the game is over and the grandmother is done snarling threats, she shifts tone: “I’m making chicken pot pie!”) Becca contends, “People are scared of old people for no reason,” and The Visit eventually coughs up that reason. Some will find it insensitive or even offensive (especially given all the laughter at the expense of the elderly characters), but it’s that nastiness that gives The Visit a convincingly old-school horror DNA. The twist is clever, the pacing is enlivening, and the performances are way beyond what you’d expect to find in a Shyamalan film in 2015.

There’s an insane game-night scene where Dunagan’s character looks straight into the camera and shrieks, “Yahtzee!” Watching this movie, I know exactly how she feels, and, I suspect, how Shyamalan does as well. It took a lot rolls, but he finally got another Yahtzee.

I’m five feet even, and married to a six footer. As a small person, I am all too familiar with having my face stuck in an armpit or squashed against a nipple while trying to get down. Here’s what I’ve learned about being intimate when there’s a significant height difference.

Change Your Definitions of Sex

Height differences are really only perceptible when you’re doing something that requires your pelvises to be in approximately the same location. Fortunately, there are so many other fun things you can do when you’re naked. You can’t tell that someone towers over you physically when you’re giving or receiving a hand job or oral sex, using a vibrator, masturbating together, or engaging in anal play. In a way, having huge height discrepancies can push some couples to expand their definitions of sex, which is something we could all benefit from anyways. P-in-V should not be the default!

Explore Lots of Positions

If you like having penetration of any kind, you’ll have to get a bit creative about sex positions. I like scrolling through pictures and illustrations for inspiration. Two good resources are Bad Girl’s Bible and SoFeminine. BGB is a bit cumbersome to navigate, and SF has cheesy illustrations, but both offer 100 or more positions. Unfortunately, both only depict heterosexual couples, but most of the positions are suitable for anal or for strap-on usage.

In general, you want to avoid positions where your torsos are pressed together or the larger person is resting their full weight on the smaller person. Here are some good bets:

• Receiving partner on top. When your bodies are perpendicular, height differences aren’t noticeable.
• Another way to achieve perpendicular status is to have the penetrating partner kneel on the floor (a pillow under your knees will make this more comfortable). The receiving partner drapes over the edge of the bed, either on their stomach or on their back.
• You can also do a variation of the aforementioned position by having the receiving partner lie on a countertop or table, and the giving partner stand.
• Try receiving partner on top, with both partners sitting up. If the receiving partner is the smaller person, this can be a really intimate position. The larger partner essentially serves as a “booster seat”, allowing for actual eye contact.
• If you really want to do Missionary (generally a one-way ticket to nipple land), try turning your bodies so you make a slight X shape.
• Starting from Missionary, have the penetrating partner sit back or up on their knees, while the receiving partner does a slight bridge position.

Each couple will have to find their own unique variations, but the exploration is half the fun!

Props are Your Friends

There are plenty of props that you can use to help make penetration easier. I don’t recommend bundling up a bunch of pillows under your hips, since they have the tendency to slide around. Instead, try using a sturdier sofa cushion or bed rest that won’t deflate on you. If you want to make a bit of an investment, Liberator has a large line of sex pillows and wedges that you can use to change the angles of your bodies. Their basic Wedge/Ramp Combo offers a number of combinations, and you can get an extra Lift for even more of a boost.

If you really want to go high-end, the Revel Essence Chair helps you get into positions where size isn’t as much of an issue. The sofas and chairs you already have in your apartment can also be used as boosters to get your pelvises lined up at the same heights. If you like having sex while standing up, a simple stool or stepladder can help you get to the right level.

Have a Sense of Humor

If you and your partner are of significantly different heights, there are definitely going to be some awkward moments trying to get your limbs properly arranged. Sex can feel pretty damn goofy sometimes, but I actually think that’s not such a bad thing. I’ve said before that people can take sex way too seriously. Trying to crane your neck far enough to make 69-ing work certainly brings some levity back into the bedroom!

Ultimately, the challenges you face as a differently-sized couple aren’t that unique. It’s all about figuring out how your bodies fit together, which is what any two people have to do when they start having sex. A lot of people are initially fearful about navigating the differences, but if Shaq can make it work, you and your partner can make it work.

Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist (#78931) specializing in sex therapy. It’s her mission to take the intimidation out of sex therapy and bring the fun back into the bedroom. Have questions about sex? You can reach her at vanessa.marin@lifehacker.com, or at VMTherapy.com.

Title illustration by Tara Jacoby.

Lifehacker: After Hours is a new blog aiming to improve your sex life. Follow us on Twitter here.

A Virginia woman arrested after having afternoon sex in a parking lot with her unconscious boyfriend told the local news the alcohol just made her really horny.

Kimberly Jackson, 36, was taken into custody Tuesday after Norfolk police got a report that she was involved in a public sex act outside a shopping center. When cops arrived, they found Jackson’s boyfriend, Earl Palmer, “unconscious and unresponsive,” WTKR reports.

She was charged with being drunk in public, and he was taken to the hospital.

On Wednesday, the couple inexplicably decided to give this incredible interview about exactly what happened:

Jackson was just in the mood, she told WTKR, and the alcohol made her think they wouldn’t get caught.

“I’m not into erotic public sex, or anything like that,” she said.

“That’s what you did yesterday, though,” the reporter pointed out.

“I know. And that was all the alcohol.”

As for Palmer, he was definitely into it, even if he wasn’t conscious during the act. They both “had needs,” as he put it.

“I consented to it all,” Palmer said, “But I had a little too much to drink, and I passed out.”

When they were asked whether they were ever going to do it again, Jackson immediately said no, but Palmer paused and gave it a little more thought.

“I don’t know,” he said.

Always keep your options open.

[h/t The Grio]

You may love your job. You may love your boss. But if your boss has a problem with you getting the money you deserve, then the friendly boss is not your friend.

At the University of Washington, a group of professors is seeking to unionize the faculty. Their aim, the Seattle Times reports, is not just to seek better wages and working conditions, but also to enable professors to more effectively lobby their elected officials on behalf of the state’s beleaguered higher education budget. In other words, they seek the quite straightforward goal of being able to improve their own position—and (if you believe in the value of higher education) the public good, in the process.

The University’s president—the faculty’s boss—is not so hot on the idea of them banding together to protect their own interests. In a letter, the school’s leadership warned that (although, of course, they are big supporters of unions in general) they have “grave reservations” about this faculty union, because it would undermine the outstanding relationship that the school and the faculty already have, and besides, things have been going quite well, from the perspective of the bosses.

Ana Mari Cauce, the UW interim president who signed the letter, is paid a salary of $525,000 per year.

The boss, a good friendly soul, has a different idea than the worker about what the worker needs to be happy. At Notre Dame University, which has $10 billion in its bank account, football players bring in around $80 million in revenue per year. Those players, who come mostly from low income families, are unpaid for their risky work. The school’s president, Rev. John Jenkins, feels that paying them would be grotesque. “Our relationship to these young people is to educate them, to help them grow,” he tells the New York Times. “Not to be their agent for financial gain.”

Notre Dame’s president, the Rev. John Jenkins, is paid at least $830,000 per year.

It’s funny, isn’t it, how well-paid (and certainly well-meaning) bosses have peculiar ideas about how important it is for low-paid (or no-paid) people to make more money? The good Rev. Jenkins, a godly millionaire, believes that working for the direct “financial gain” of young men who risk their health in order to make their school $80 million per year would be somehow contrary to their personal growth. Meanwhile, food costs money. It’s hard to grow if you can’t buy enough of it.

The University of Washington’s president Ana Mari Cauce, who has been lauded for her “sense of justice,” is comfortably ensconced in the top 1% income bracket. And yet she lectures faculty members who are paid much, much less about how the mandate for “shared governance” is more important than their right to organize in the workplace, despite the demonstrated ability of unions to help working people earn more money.

These bosses—and your boss—may be very friendly. But it is hard to call them friends. A friend, I imagine, would like to see you fairly compensated for your work.

Those who are already comfortably wealthy tend to regard money as a corrupting influence. That does not apply to their own money—only to yours.

[Photo: AP]

“FALL BOOKS ARE HERE” screams a banner hanging from your local bookstore. “READ THESE HUGE 700 PAGE NOVELS” implores a website. The fun thing about reading is that you can do it at any time of the year; fall is just the time when big authors with big names release their Great Works for everyone’s consideration. This fall, you could read Purity (don’t) or you could read any of these fine offerings instead.

The Hundred-Year Flood by Matthew Salesses (September 1)

http://www.amazon.com/The-Hundred-Ye...

Tee is a 21 year old adopted biracial Korean-American fleeing the scourge of a flood that comes every hundred years. He escapes to Prague, driven by the insatiable desire we all have when we are young to find his identity, in the wake of 9/11 and his uncle’s suicide. There, he meets Pavel, a painter; his wife Katka; and a host of other characters that help him on his journey to figure out just what it means to be Tee. The flood comes; it is inevitable, after all, gushing its way through Prague, as Tee focuses on figuring out where he stands as an outsider both at home and abroad. Like the water that threatens to consume everything in its wake, the narrative is lyrical and winding, but if you have an affinity for soul-searching sagas, The Hundred-Year Flood is for you.

Negroland by Margo Jefferson (September 8)

http://www.amazon.com/Negroland-A-Me...

Cultural critic Margo Jefferson grew up as the daughter of the black bourgeoisie in Chicago. Her father was the head of pediatrics at Provident, one of the nation’s oldest black hospitals, and her mother was a socialite. Her memoir melds her own personal coming of age narrative as a member of the black elite with cultural criticism around the nature of elitism within her community. She defines “Negroland” as “a small region of Negro America where residents were sheltered by a certain amount of privilege and plenty.”

As a member of the black aristocracy, she works with the tools she’s gained as a critic and historian to contextualize the subtle and not-so-subtle discriminations and prejudices within her community. The result is a studied manual on the various ways we perform; and Jefferson wonderfully breaks down the hierarchies of appearance, skin color, and social standing in the world she inhabited. It’s a heavy read, to be sure, but an important one nonetheless.

Fates and Furies by Lauren Groff (September 15)

http://www.amazon.com/Fates-Furies-N...

Watching a relationship from its inception to its quiet demise is a perverse pleasure. In Fates and Furies, Lauren Groff gives us Mathilde and Lotto, two golden, beautiful, radiant people in love with a perfect relationship—and tears it apart, stitch by stitch. Lotto is an actor-turned-playwright, a man celebrated for his talent and the heir to a bottled water fortune. Mathilde is his faithful, loving wife, always by his side. Like all relationships, from the outside, they are perfect. Groff tugs at the seams of their union until the whole thing gives out, breaking the narrative out into two separate sections and points of view. Lifting the curtain on the front of a perfect marriage and finding a messy pile of emotions heaped on infidelities is strangely satisfying; reading about the nasty bits in prose as elegant and cutting as Groff’s is icing on the cake.

Half An Inch of Water: Stories by Percival Everett (September 15)

http://www.amazon.com/Half-Inch-Wate...

The latest from USC professor and prolific author Percival Everett (he’s published more than 25 books in his writing career) is a slim volume of short stories, clocking in at just 88 pages. Each story functions as a hero’s journey—someone heading into the wilderness in search of something, with each character experiencing a transformation, physical or spiritual or both. The setting is a faceless, generally Western location; place is rarely specified, lending a mythical quality to the work. How nice to have someone writing about our endless preoccupation with the West that isn’t Joan Didion.

Under the Udala Trees by Chinelo Okparanta (September 22)

http://www.amazon.com/Under-Udala-Tr...

Ijeoma, an Igbo girl, is 11 years old when civil war breaks out in Nigeria. Sent to live elsewhere to escape the violence, she meets Amina, a Hausa girl who she befriends and eventually falls in love. The ethnic differences are enough to upset the adults in their lives, but the biggest secret is their tender same-sex love, which gets Ijeoma sent back to her mother’s house and puts her at the receiving end of a ceaseless biblical intervention, intent on changing her ways. Under the Udala Trees is disjointed and jumps around in time, so this novel reads, at times, like a fairy tale, but it’s an important, moving work that brings notice to the plight of the LGBT community in Nigeria, which is often forced into hiding. As Nigeria seeks its independence, so does Ijeoma—a conceit that could be saccharine and hackneyed. But Okparanta is able to avoid cliché and relies on her writing and the strength of her heart-shattering story. Find the tissues, you’ll need them.

Gold Fame Citrus by Claire Vaye Watkins (September 29)

http://www.amazon.com/Gold-Fame-Citr...

Claire Vaye Watkins is a daughter of the American West. Her first book was the short story collection Battleborn, and Gold Fame Citrus, her first novel, is a stick of dynamite in an arid desert, placed with deliberation, scorching nearly every other book in its path. On the surface, it’s a post-apocalyptic love story set sometime in a recent future when the West has been reduced to a giant desert. The denizens of this dystopian desert sea are called “Mojavs.” Out of the dust emerges Luz—the face of the Bureau of Conservation—and Ray, her lover, living in a movie star’s abandoned mansion in Laurel Canyon. They stumble upon a mysterious child and head east for survival, where they run into a cult-like group of refugees who worship at the altar of a dowser —a man who divines for water—and who feeds off the power of their admiration.

The picture she paints of the future—an American West bled dry of any and all water—is bleak but feels real, as if squinting towards the horizon at a looming menace that you can’t quite see but know is coming. Watkins writes sentences that require patience and time, that force you to slow down and really read, carefully. It’s an apocalyptic fantasia written with a keen familiarity of the eerie, harsh landscapes of the desert. It is well worth your time.

M Train by Patti Smith (October 6)

http://www.amazon.com/M-Train-Patti-...

On the heels of her runaway hit Just Kids, Patti Smith’s latest is a musing on her life as a writer and an artist through the lens of her travels. We start at the cafe in Greenwich Village she works at every day and journey with her to a seaside space in Far Rockaway, to Berlin, to Mexico, and every locale in between. Less a straight travelogue and more of a memoir cum documentation of her process as a writer, a thinker and an artist, M Train is the kind of book you hope to write if you have writerly ambitions, and the kind of book you desperately want to read if you want to feel inspired, but not in a cheesy, Eat Pray Love type of way.

The Witches: Salem, 1692 By Stacy Schiff (October 27)

http://www.amazon.com/The-Witches-Sa...

Stacy Schiff’s last great doorstopper of a biography was 2010’s Cleopatra: A Life. This year, she’s turning her gimlet eye towards the mass hysteria and general shitshow that was the Salem Witch Trials, a period of American history defined by a contagious madness that resulted in 19 men and women hanged for “witchcraft.” Unlike the drudgery of the movie adaptation of The Crucible, which you probably watched in high school, Schiff writes with conviction and a strong sense of narrative, elevating the dry snooze of history to a new level. It’s an endlessly fascinating read.

The Mare by Mary Gaitskill (November 3)

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030...

At first blush, May Gaitskill’s latest sounds like it could be a preachy, saccharine, woefully out-of-tune story: Velvet, a young girl living in Crown Heights with a mother who doesn’t love her moves to upstate New York as a Fresh Air Fund kid, joining the family of a well-meaning white woman and her husband. There is a horse—the titular mare, a surly and mistreated beast, soon to be tamed—and a marriage marred by alcoholism and emotional trauma. If you’ve read any of Gaitskill, you know that even the most prosaic subjects turn dark in her hands, in the best possible way. For the Gaitskill completist, this will be a satisfying read; for the Gaitskill newcomer, this is an excellent introduction to her work.

Megan Reynolds has written for The Hairpin, BuzzFeed, Racked, and The Billfold, among others. She is an associate editor at The Frisky.

[Illustration by Jim Cooke]

Woody Allen impersonator and incessant tweeter Donald Trump has a lot to say to the losers and haters of the world. But apparently, that list no longer includes his wishes for a pleasant 9/11. Because in a devastating blow to both losers and haters everywhere, Donald Trump has deleted his most magnanimous of 9/11 tweets.

The original tweet from 2013 is, unfortunately, lost forever. But thanks to Trump’s dedication to the manual retweet, its cousin from later that evening remains:

Why has Donald Trump deemed haters and losers no longer worthy of his best on this special date of September (9) eleventh (11)? Does he wish them his worst? It’s impossible to say, as Trump’s camp has yet to respond to our request for explication.

And it’s not as if Trump has completely discounted all haters and/or losers from his life. There are still many, many holidays Trump has deemed worthy of his virtual olive branch. For instance, Veterans Day:

And Thanksgiving:

Father’s Day:

Or Independence Day:

New Year’s Day:

And even the day of Jesus’ resurrection:

All days of celebration and reflection for everyone, even the losers and the haters.

Except today. Today, losers and haters, is not your day. Not anymore.

[h/t CNN]

Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com.

Pepsi cola that you make at home in a SodaStream will be one of the most unnecessary consumer products of our generation.

Here are the best of today’s deals. Get every great deal every day on Kinja Deals, follow us on Facebook and Twitter to never miss a deal, join us on Kinja Gear to read about great products, and on Kinja Co-Op to help us find the best.

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KMASHI’s cheap battery packs are some of the most popular items we’ve ever posted, and their well-reviewed 15,000mAh model is down to just $14 today, matching all-time low. This beefy battery is perfect for long camping trips, flights, and power outages, or for sharing with others during a long day away from an outlet. [KMASHI 15000mAh External Battery Pack, $14 with code YURUURCO]

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Cordless stick vacuums might not be ideal for a huge house, but if you live in a relatively small apartment, they can offer a great bang for your buck without taking up much space. If you’re ready to cut the cord and keep your floors clean, this 4.2 star rated Electrolux is marked down to $70 on Amazon, today only.

The Electrolux Ergorapido features a rechargeable 12V battery so you won’t have to worry about running over the cord, a dedicated button to clean hair from the brushes, and, crucially, a pop-out hand vac. Amazon typically sells the whole package for $120, and today’s $70 sale is the best price they’ve ever offered by $30. I’d be surprised if it lasted through the day. [Electrolux Ergorapido Plus 2-in-1 Cordless Vacuum, $70]

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For months now, $55 has been a pretty hard price floor on 1TB external drives. Best Buy just shattered that by $10, if you hurry. [Toshiba Canvio Basics 1TB External USB 3.0 Portable Hard Drive, $45]

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Microsoft’s wireless display adapter can turn your TV into a wireless second display for your compatible Windows machine or Miracast-enabled Android device, and Best Buy’s marked the dongle down to an all-time low $40, today only. [Microsoft - Wireless Display Adapter, $40]

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You’ll have to wait out a backorder, but $18 is the best price Amazon’s ever listed on the Xbox One Play & Charge Kit. [Xbox One Play & Charge Kit, $18]

http://www.amazon.com/Xbox-One-Play-...

You could also opt for this third party Nyko option, which comes with two batteries. This is what I own, and the batteries kind of suck, but it’s easy enough to just rotate two controllers. [Nyko Power Kit Plus, $17]

http://www.amazon.com/Nyko-Power-Kit...

Need an extra controller? Amazon has the new model (with standard 3.5mm audio jack) for $10 off. [Xbox One Controller, $50]

http://www.amazon.com/Xbox-One-Wirel...

While you’re at it, tack on a year to your Xbox Live Gold membership for $36. [Xbox Live Gold, $36]

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Microsoft-...

If you want an iPad primarily to use as a media consumption device, a first gen iPad Air is still a really solid tablet. Today on eBay, you can grab an open box 16GB model for $270, or $130 less than Apple’s price. [16GB iPad Air, $270]

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Apple-iPad...

Alternatively, you can shrink the screen and double the storage for the same price with an iPad Mini 2. Spec-wise, it’s virtually identical to the first gen Air. [32GB iPad Mini 2, $270]

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Apple-iPad...

Samsung’s 64GB EVO microSD card is one of the most popular we’ve ever posted, and it’s down to one of its lowest prices ever today. [Samsung 64GB EVO Class 10 Micro SDXC with Adapter, $19]

Our readers have bought a ton of these magnetic dash mounts from various manufacturers, but if you still haven’t tried one, here’s an option for just $4. [Aukey Magnetic Cradle-less Car Air Vent Mount Smartphone Holder Cradle, $4 with code 5PSW7KAI]

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...

If you’re ready to join the rest of the world and start your own podcast, a really good starter mic is down to $85 today on Woot. To give you some context about this deal, the Blue Yeti boasts a 4.5 star average on nearly 3,000 Amazon reviews, and is in fact the site’s top-selling “multipurpose condenser microphone.” [Blue Microphones Yeti USB Microphone, $85]

http://www.woot.com/offers/blue-mi...

We’ve seen a handful of sub-$20 Bluetooth speakers, but not many of them can join you in the shower. The Omaker M4 can do just that thanks to its IP54-rated splash resistance, and still deliver up to 12 hours of playtime on a single charge. That’s perfect if you like to sing in the shower, or just need to catch up on your podcast queue. [Omaker M4 Portable Bluetooth 4.0 Outdoors/Shower Speaker, $19 with code ARMYGNM4]

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00RBIC1IS/...

If you still don’t have one (let alone several) of these 5-port USB chargers yet, this is one of the best prices you’ll see. [Omaker Premium 40W 5-Port lightning Speed Desktop USB Charger, $13 with code FASTFAST]

http://www.amazon.com/Omaker-Premium...

Panasonic’s Arc-series of electric shavers are some of the most popular on the market, and Amazon’s marked two of them down to great low prices, today only. The main difference between the two is the number of blades—the Arc3 has three, and the Arc4 has four, obviously—and they both come with automatic cleaning docks, which is a great bonus at these prices.

Panasonic ES-LT71-S Arc3 Men’s Electric Shaver Wet/Dry with Flexible Pivoting Head and Automatic Cleaning ($75) | Amazon

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005DKKBUG/...

Panasonic ES-LA93-K Arc4 Electric Shaver Wet/Dry with Multi-Flex Pivoting Head and Automatic Cleaning ($145) | Amazon

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B002N5MHLK/...

If you still haven’t tried out the console version of Diablo III, it’s only $25 today on PS4 and Xbox One, and $15 on previous generation platforms. [Diablo III: Ultimate Evil Edition $15-$25]

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...

Invasion of the Body Snatchers is one of the first science fiction novels ever published, and its 60th anniversary edition is only $2 on Kindle today. [Invasion of the Body Snatchers [Kindle], $2]

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...

If you’ve ever spent more than 5 seconds sorting through your mismatched leftover containers to find the right lid, it’s time to throw them all out and upgrade to this 42-piece Rubbermaid system.

The set comes with 21 containers in six different sizes, and yet you only have to deal with three different sizes of lids, making it much easier to find the right one. Personally, I prefer glass storage sets like this one from Pyrex, but if you want to maximize the number of containers you get for your money, this is your best bet. [Rubbermaid Easy Find Lid Food Storage Set, Plastic, 42-Piece, $18]

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...

The Phantom 3 Standard is DJI’s new “beginner” drone, but still boasts a 2.7K camera, easy flight controls, and a class-leading 25 minutes of battery life.

If you’ve been waiting on a good deal to take to the skies, you can grab yours for $699 today, or $100 off its usual price. Amazon’s also selling a bundle with an extra battery for $799, which is absolutely worth it. As someone who spent $1,000 on a technically inferior Phantom 2 Vision+ about 6 months ago, I’m a little salty about this, but I recommend it wholeheartedly. [DJI Phantom 3 Standard, $699]

http://www.amazon.com/DJI-Recording-...

It’s not the most advanced fitness tracker out there, but the Fitbit Flex is a great barebones wearable that can track your steps by day, your sleep by night, and sync all of that data to your smartphone. You might eventually want to graduate to a more capable wearable, but this is a great way to see if Fitbit’s particular brand of healthy gamification resonates with you. [Fitbit Flex Wireless Activity & Sleep Wristband, $60]

Mpow’s Swift Bluetooth Headphones are one of the most popular items we’ve ever posted, but the biggest complaint we hear is that they don’t fit everyone’s ears particularly well. Their newer Cheetah model aims to address that with a wraparound design, and you can try a pair yourself for just $23 today, which is a new all-time low. [Mpow Cheetah Bluetooth Headphones, $23 with code GCAOJ7UI]

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B013U54BFG

This dual-port USB charger is perfect for traveling, or just plugging in behind your nightstand, and if you order it today, you’ll get a free Lightning cable to go with it.

Lumsing 17W Dual-Port USB Travel Charger and Elinke Lightning USB Cable ($10) | Amazon | Add both to cart and use code 2S99S4OY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VA2ONLO

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012CY8X8C

$5 is about as cheap as Lightning cables ever get, so don’t hesitate. [Mpow Lightning Cable, $5 with code KUXOVVI8]

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VL8Q1NA

These handy night lights can attach to any flat surface, no power outlet required, which makes them perfect for closets and cabinets. If you want to stock up and outfit your entire house, today’s the day to do it.

To get the deal, decide how many lights you need, add them to your cart, and use the appropriate promo code from the list below.

• Two for $10 with code 2NO56OFF
• Three for $14 with code 3NO510OF
• Five for $22 with code 5NO518OF
• 10 for $40 with code 10N540OF

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WJJPZK0

Tech

Storage

• Samsung 64GB EVO Class 10 Micro SDXC up to 48MB/s with Adapter ($19) | Amazon
• Toshiba Canvio Basics 1TB External USB 3.0 Portable Hard Drive ($45) | Amazon
• PNY Turbo Plus 32GB USB 3.0 Flash Drive ($10) | Best Buy
• PNY LEGO 16GB USB 2.0 Flash Drive ($8) | Best Buy

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IVPU7AO/...

Power

• KMASHI 15,000mAh Power Bank ($14) | Amazon | Promo code YURUURCO
• KMASHI Car Quick Charge 2.0, 18W Car Charger ($5) | Amazon | Promo code J4AUYMAL
• Aukey 4.8A / 24W Dual USB Car Charger Adapter ($6) | Amazon | Use code J57C7L93
• Omaker Premium 40W 5-Port lightning Speed Desktop USB Charger ($13) | Amazon | Use code FASTFAST

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/AS...

Audio

• Blue Microphones Yeti USB Microphone ($85) | Woot
• Omaker M4 Portable Bluetooth 4.0 Outdoors/Shower Speaker ($19) | Amazon | Use code ARMYGNM4
• SONY Bluetooth and Noise Canceling Headphones ($135) | Woot
• SONY Bluetooth Headphones ($95) | Woot

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00RBIC1IS/...

Home Theater

• LG 24-Inch LED TV (2015 Model) ($148) | Amazon
• Microsoft Miracast Wireless Display Adapter ($40) | Best Buy

Computers & Accessories

• Lenovo 15.6” G50 Core i5-4210U, 4GB, 500GB, Win 8.1 / 10 UPG Laptop ($476) | Walmart
• Acer S200HQL 19.5” LED Monitor ($70) | Best Buy
• Acer H6 Series 23” IPS LED HD Monitor ($120) | Best Buy
• Acer 27” LED HD Monitor ($180) | Best Buy
• Rain Design iLevel 2 Adjustable Height Notebook Stand ($53) | Amazon

PC Parts

• Samsung 850 EVO 250GB 2.5-Inch SATA III Internal SSD ($90) | Amazon
• ARCTIC MX-4 Thermal Paste ($8) | Amazon

Mobile Devices

• Toshiba Encore 2 Write 8-Inch 64 GB Tablet ($294) | Amazon
• 10-Pack OKRAY iPhone 6 Bumper Cases with Clear Backs ($9) | Amazon | Promo code FY9UTDQ2
• Owkey B200 Bluetooth Handsfree Headset With Microphone ($8) | Amazon | Promo code LHDEALS1

Photography

• Nikon D3300 DSLR 24.2 MP HD 1080p Camera with 18-55mm VR Lens ($329) | eBay
• Nikon D3300 DSLR 24.2 MP HD 1080p Camera with 18-55mm VR and 55-200 Lens ($399) | eBay | Select from Drop-Down
• Refurb. Canon PowerShot SX170 HS ($60) | Canon

http://www.ebay.com/itm/3316506833...

Home

• Star Wars Yoda Candy Holder ($23) | Amazon
• Mpow Two Pack 4 LED Solar Powered Sensor Light ($21) | Amazon | Use code L9VMXAQD
• Clara Clark 1800 Premier Series 4pc Bed Sheet Set - King ($22) | Amazon
• Save up to 65% During Groupon’s Fall Home Sale
• 6’ Folding Portable Plastic Indoor / Outdoor Bench ($45) | Sears
• Electrolux Ergorapido Plus Brushroll Clean, 12V Cordless 2-in-1 Stick and Handheld Vacuum ($70) | Amazon

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00RE2AM0U

Beauty & Grooming

• Panasonic ES-LT71-S Arc3 Men’s Electric Shaver Wet/Dry with Flexible Pivoting Head and Automatic Cleaning ($75) | Amazon
• Panasonic ES-LV81-K Arc5 Electric Shaver Wet/Dry with Multi-Flex Pivoting Head and Automatic Cleaning ($150) | Amazon
• Panasonic ES-LA93-K Arc4 Electric Shaver Wet/Dry with Multi-Flex Pivoting Head and Automatic Cleaning ($145) | Amazon
• Acevivi Two-Speed Hair Removal Epilators White ($29) | Amazon | Use code 8OYY2LI6

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005DKKBUG/...

Kitchen

• Insignia 2 Slice Toaster ($10) | Best Buy
• Black & Decker 14-Cup Rice Cooker ($20) | Walmart
• Ouddy Premium Silicone Spatula Set ($10) | Amazon
• Homdox Stainless Steel Zester ($8) | Amazon

Fitness

• CAP Barbell Pair of 20-Pounds Adjustable Ankle Weights ($17) | Amazon

Camping & Outdoors

• Blazer Top-Z Dual Torch Flame Lighter Insert ($8) | Amazon
• Camp Chef Stryker Stove ($45) | Woot
• YKS Canvas Hammock ($19) | Amazon
• Etekcity E-gear Portable Collapsible Outdoor Windproof Camping Stove Butane Propane Burner for Gas Canisters ($18) | amazon | Use code CAMPST01

http://www.amazon.com/Etekcity-Porta...

Tools & Auto

• Aukey Magnetic Cradle-less Car Air Vent Mount Smartphone Holder Cradle ($4) | Amazon | Use code 5PSW7KAI
• Ohuhu® Garden Kneeler and Seat with Bonus Tool Pouch and Ohuhu® 3 Piece Softouch Garden Tool Set, Cultivator, Transplaner, Trow ($40) | Amazon | Use code 36D67YFO
• BOSS Audio BV11.2MC Mobile-Video Flip-Down 11.2-inch Screen Monitor DVD/CD/USB/SD/MP4/MP3 Player with Remote ($151) | Amazon
• Garmin nüvi 3597LMTHD 5” GPS with Builtin Bluetooth and Lifetime Map and Traffic Updates ($260) | Best Buy
• 6-inch Bench Grinder With Lamp ($45) | Sears
• Hyundai 3500 Watt Heavy Duty Gasoline Portable Generator ($299) | Home Depot
• Craftsman 540-piece Mechanics Tool Set ($910) | Sears

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...

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Send deal submissions to Deals@Gawker and all other inquiries to Shane@Gawker

It’s always nice when couples have common interests, like skiing or manga or believing in fairytales. For example: In 2008, Taylor Swift sang, “I had so many dreams/About you and me/Happy endings/Now I know,” in the ballad “White Horse.” Then, on Thursday, her official boyfriend Calvin Harris visited a Thai massage parlor that—according to Yelp—provides the “best happy endings” in Hollywood.

Radar reports that Calvin Harris—who has said publicly that he loves to spend time with Taylor Swift and vice versa—visited the $40/hour Thai massage parlor on Sunset in Hollywood for “two hours.” So maybe he paid $80 for his time, or maybe he paid more, or maybe he had a Groupon or some other kind of deal. He definitely went, though; pictures of him exiting the parlor looking cheerful can be viewed here.

What’s unclear is why Calvin Harris—a DJ who, amazingly, is worth $110 million—decided to go to a $40/hour massage place on Sunset in the first place. One theory: Radar notes that if you search “best happy ending” in Hollywood on Yelp, this place comes up first in the search results.

This is not to say that the parlor provides “happy endings” for sure; nobody knows that, except maybe Calvin Harris.

Update, 2:04 p.m.: Both Radar and OK! have taken down their posts about Calvin Harris’ trip to the massage parlor. The photos documenting his visit are still available via Splash News. We’ve reached out to Radar for comment and will update if we hear back.

Photo via Splash News. Contact the author at allie@gawker.com.

This dog’s name is “Spanky,” allegedly, but if you told me his name was “Sleepy” I’d have no choice but to believe you. And then I’d have no choice but to ask, “But—shouldn’t his name be ‘Dumb Sleepy’ or ‘Sleepy Idiot’ or, I don’t know, something like ‘Falls Over from Sleepiness ‘Cause of No Brain’?”

And you’d say, “No, just ‘Sleepy’.” And I’d have to concede because you know him better than I do, ultimately.

h/t Tastefully Offensive. Contact the author at kelly.conaboy@gawker.com.

Katie Holmes: What does she look like? If you’ve begun to describe the “classic” image of Katie Holmes we’ve seen in media such as Dawson’s Creek, please do me a favor and shut your mouth because clearly you have no idea about Katie Holmes’ capacity for disguise and I have no patience for ignorance.

http://defamer.gawker.com/katie-holmes-a...

The answer to “What does Katie Holmes look like?” is, in fact: “she is multitudinous; she exists as all and as one; she owns a wig; she owns a hat; I don’t know what she looks like; it could be anything; changing from moment to moment, never at rest.”

Here’s what she looked like one time when she went to see her boyfriend Jamie Foxx, from US Weekly:

A source tells Us Weekly that for a recent L.A. rendezvous with boyfriend of two years, Jamie Foxx, the Ray Donovan actress, 36, “put on a wig and hat to meet him at a hotel.”

See?

Something like this:

Not what you thought she looked like, is it?

She could be anywhere.

Images via Getty, art via Kelly. Contact the author at kelly.conaboy@gawker.com.

Someone needs to hook this bear family up with the Pool Bears. That would make for one hell of a party, my pals.

On Monday, a plainclothes NYPD officer tackled and handcuffed a black man who allegedly looked like a credit card fraud suspect, but was actually tennis star James Blake (who is not a suspect). On Friday, TMZ obtained video of the takedown, which reportedly left Blake cut and bruised.

Blake has not been accused of any crime. In fact, the NYPD has since apologized to him for throwing him to the ground and leaving him in cuffs for 10 to 15 minutes. The officer who attacked him has been placed on desk duty.

Blake said Friday that he does not accept the apology. Good.

[TMZ]

EDM Ken-doll and Taylor Swift consort Calvin Harris was seen leaving a Thai massage parlor on Sunset Boulevard earlier this week, after spending two hours inside. Radar reported the spot Harris visited received raves on Yelp as the best “happy ending” spot in town, conjuring visions of a normal human man casting about for relief from his obligations to an exquisite celebrity android. But when it comes to professional handjobs, there are more reliable sources than Yelp, and, apparently, more reliable massage parlors than In Thai Spa.

http://defamer.gawker.com/calvin-harris-...

Men who seek out happy endings at Asian erotic massage parlors—“mongers,” in the parlance of their particular internet subculture—collect intel and trade stories on sites like sites like RubMaps.com, EroticMP.com, and SpaHunters.com. Vice (of course) extensively investigated the monger scene back in December, and found that these guys are more than willing to talk, in open and graphic terms, about the services they receive.

In other words, if Calvin Harris was presented with the opportunity to participate in a sex act at the massage parlor in which he spent two mysterious hours, the mongers would know about it.

Only one of the big three review sites, RubMaps, had a listing for In Thai Spa, the $40-an-hour joint Harris was photographed happily walking out of. Six reviewers tested the waters there in 2013 and 2014, and the general consensus was this: The women working there give great massages, but they’re not jerking anyone off.

“I thought that Amy was attractive but knew that this Thai spot would be a risk,” writes one veteran RubMaps user, who’s reviewed 31 massage parlors on the site:

“I found her to be very pretty and attractive but Amy was one that was only a legitimate masseuse. She worked hard and looked good while doing it but she wasn’t dressed in a whore type of way or anything like that which is what I wanted.

Her massages were good and relieved my tension in the body. The conversations were pretty straight forward and she seemed to only do CMT [certified massage therapist] type techniques.

It was hard not to get a HE [happy ending] From her especially since she was so cute but it was not offered so I had no choice but to take a great massage experience.”

Other users, who pay $14.95 a month to read and write reviews on RubMaps, agree: Amy is “definitely competent as a CMT,” and she’s also competent at putting up with grotesque pawings from dudes who think they’re getting more than they paid for.

“She gave great attention to my ass without penetrating or touching my balls,” writes one dissatisfied customer, who gave a five-star “massage rating,” but only one star for “service.”

“She let me run my hands over her ass, but would move (without comment) when I got too adventurous. At the end of the massage, she gave me about a 90 second pressure massage through a towel in the only spot that matters. All in all, a decent massage and I tipped her $10.”

The other masseuses at In Thai have to put up with similar treatment, and similarly do not give handjobs.

Another customer writes, “Sophia is very good with the massage there was one near Hollywood that does a good job, but this place is pretty comparable. Those Thai stretches feel bomb man. Love that part of the massage. Even with that though, I wouldn’t have minded if she played with my cock. Not that cute but it’s dark enough in here where you wouldn’t have to see her face. Told her next time I come in, to please and do the HJ.”

Maybe next time! (Probably not.)

“The chicks are nasty,” our final monger summed up, “and you won’t get the HE here. But this is just my review, I didn’t even try to get the HE to be honest. She is friendly enough though that things may happen, but I just wasn’t into her looks.”

So, what are the chances Calvin Harris got his alleged genitals massaged at Hollywood’s alleged “best happy ending” massage parlor? Not good.

If Harris was on a mission for some sweet handie action, and assuming he’s not a RubMaps-level connoisseur, he may have been misled by Yelp’s search engine. In Thai Spa is indeed the top search result for “happy ending” in Hollywood, but it’s also the top result for “massage,” which is what Yelp tries to suggest instead.

Though one reason it ranks so high for “happy ending” seems to be this review by a Sam P.:

“Get your mind out of the gutter. There’s no happy ending. Not even a happy beginning. This isn’t the neighborhood Bangkok whore. This place is legit.”

How reliable is Sam P.? To find out, definitively, whether or not In Thai Spa offers happy endings to its clientele, Gawker.com interim Editor-In-Chief Leah Beckmann (conveniently, a recent L.A. transplant) paid the parlor a a visit.

“I said I was making an appointment for my boyfriend for his birthday,” Beckmann exclusively told Gawker.com.

She says she “asked for something special” for her boyfriend, but was told “they don’t do that.”

There you have it. Calvin Harris, who is in a warm and human relationship with Taylor Swift, probably just received a much-needed long, hard, legit massage. For two hours.

[Photo: Getty Images]