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Terrence Howard Is a Bad Person Who Is Also Crazy

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Terrence Howard Is a Bad Person Who Is Also Crazy

To promote the upcoming second season of Empire, Terrence Howard invited Rolling Stone into his Chicago penthouse. The profile rests on a single question—“How bad is Terrence Howard?”—and leaves you with an answer that may or may not be satisfying: Terrence Howard is almost certainly bad, and he’s definitely crazy.

“Since they see me as a bad guy, I’m gonna play a bad guy,” Howard says early in the story as a means of explaining the genesis of Lucious Lyon, the deliciously evil patriarch he plays on Empire. Of course, people “see” Howard as a bad person because he is a bad person. He has been accused and (in some cases) convicted of hitting women at least six times. Howard explains away two of those incidents to Rolling Stone’s Erik Hedegaard.

Regarding a 2001 incident in which he beat his first wife Lori McCommas:

“She was talking to me real strong, and I lost my mind and slapped her in front of the kids,” he says. “Her lawyer said it was a closed fist, but even slapping her was wrong.”

At the time, Howard told police that he “broke the door down and hit my wife.”

Regarding a 2005 incident in which he punched his second wife Michelle Ghent in the face while the two were in Costa Rica:

“She was trying to Mace me,” he says, “and you can’t see anything so all you can do is try to bat somebody away, and I think that something caught her. But I wasn’t trying to hit her.”


According to divorce papers, Ghent accused Howard of far more than that. While filming a movie in South Africa in 2010, he allegedly threw her across a hotel room before picking her up, taking her onto the balcony and threatening to toss her over the railing. Days later Ghent says they got into another fight in which Howard punched her in the face, in the process chipping her tooth with his wedding band. Ghent’s injuries were so bad that the couple’s personal assistant eventually had to summon a doctor to the hotel to check on her. In 2011, she says that he plunged a butcher knife into the island in their kitchen and told her to stab him.

In any event, Terrence Howard is by most measures a walking monster—aside from his history of domestic violence, he lost a fortune upon being ditched by the Iron Man franchise for being a notorious terror on set.

During the Rolling Stone interview, Howard summoned his most recent ex-wife Mira Pak (who, at the time, was putting on the appearance of still being his wife despite having secretly separated from Howard months earlier) to find a recording of a conversation between Ghent and Howard, which would later be used to overturn a divorce settlement which essentially called for Ghent to bleed Howard dry. Howard plays the entire 13-minute tape for Hedegaard as a means of showing that he was not always the aggressor in his fights with Ghent, and while Hedegaard grants Howard his point, the description of Howard’s reaction to the recording does not really make a great argument for his efforts in conflict resolution.

But at the moment, all he can do is glare at the laptop, leaning toward it, hissing, “You fucking bitch. Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!”

That Terrence Howard is a bad person is the bare minimum of what a Terrence Howard profile should tell you, though, and to Hedegaard’s credit, he appropriately humanizes a person who is frequently inhumane, tracing Howard’s violence back to an awful childhood.

When Howard was a kid, his father stabbed a man to death while his family waited in line for a mall Santa. His parents divorced when his father returned home from prison; his mom moved to Los Angeles. While living in Cleveland, Howard was frequently beaten as a kid for being light-skinned, which necessitated his uncle teaching him how to fight back. He says that he stripped wires in his dad’s electric razor so that he could shock his own face in order to restore feeling in his right eye after being diagnosed with a nerve disorder. That Howard emerged from all this as a successful (though not necessarily solvent) actor who brought the trauma that formed him to the characters that made him famous is the sort of story movies themselves exist to tell.

But it’s mostly hard to remember that Terrence Howard is a real person when he starts doing things like explaining why 1x1 does not equal one:

“How can it equal one?” he said. “If one times one equals one that means that two is of no value because one times itself has no effect. One times one equals two because the square root of four is two, so what’s the square root of two? Should be one, but we’re told it’s two, and that cannot be.” This did not go over well, he says, and he soon left school. “I mean, you can’t conform when you know innately that something is wrong.”

This is a good reminder that to make it in Hollywood your brain often has to have a specific sort of deformity that allows you great delusion.

Howard’s theory about multiplication is not limited to arguing with math professors. Instead, Hedegaard writes, it’s a worldview that encompasses his entire life:

He continued to love himself by buying scissors, wire, magnets and vast numbers of sheets of plastic. He had a theory. It might seem crazy, it may even be crazy, but a long time ago he’d gotten hold of this notion that one times one doesn’t equal one, but two. He began writing down his logic, in a language of his own devising that he calls Terryology. He wrote forward and backward, with both his right and left hands, sometimes using symbols he made up that look foreign, if not alien, to keep his ideas secret until they could be patented. In 2013, he got married again, to an L.A. restaurateur named Mira Pak, and the two would spend up to 17 hours a day cutting shapes out of the plastic and joining them together into various objects meant to demonstrate not only his one-times-one theory but many others as well.

Currently, Terrence Howard’s Chicago penthouse—which he says is actually being financed by Pak, because at the time of the interview his Empire salary was embargoed due to the settlement with his previous wife—is adorned with plastic sculptures created by Howard that convey his specific language.

The place is filled with his fantastical plastic assemblages. They bear a similarity to building blocks but the shapes are infinitely more complex, in two dimensions and three, tied together by copper wire or held in place by magnets. There are hemispheres, cubes, tetrahedrons and flighty wings. Some of the objects are as small as mice, others as big as fire hydrants; some are hanging, some free-standing, a few larger ones lit from the inside with LED twinkle stars. They are gorgeous and otherworldly. He has no name for them. They just are. He loves them just as much as he loves himself and his infant son, Qirin, who is sleeping nearby and will one day inherit U.S. patent 20150079872 A1 (“Systems and methods for enhanced building-block applications”), among others.

Later, Howard tries to explain exactly what the trinkets mean:

He picks up one of his intricate plastic what-is-its and holds it to his eyes. “Like with these things,” he says. “In those four years where I was shunned and walked away from everything, look at what I’ve created. But I was not trying to make this when I made it, I was just trying to find the four forces, so I took four planes and put them together where they fit naturally, an equilateral triangle, and it created a circle, a triangle and a square, and from there everything else was created just following my hands leading to a good place.”

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, enjoy Empire!

[image via Getty]


Contact the author at jordan@gawker.com.


Students Wonder When Creepy-As Hell App That Watches Them During Exams Plans on Deleting Their Data

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Students Wonder When Creepy-As Hell App That Watches Them During Exams Plans on Deleting Their Data

Universities have become so paranoid about cheating on exams that they’ve started buying software that scans test-taking students’ faces, follows what they’re doing on the web, and records audio. Now the students who find themselves trapped in this dismal panopticon are wondering what the software company is doing with their data.

Rutgers, the state university of beloved east coast superfund site New Jersey, made a deal roughly eight months ago with a company called Verificient Technologies, makers of an exam-time spyware package called ProctorTrack. Until a month ago, the university had no written contract with Verificient, New Brunswick Today reports. When the school and the corporation finally did get some paperwork on the books late last month, covering little things like student privacy, it promised Verificient would delete all student data 90 days after each course’s final exam, and students would get an email letting them know their audio, video, and web activity had been virtually shredded. (That’s up from the 30-60 day time frame Rutgers and Verificient advertised when the software came to campus in February.)

A number of students told New Brunswick Today they still haven’t received deletion notices for the spring semester, the first in which they were being aggressively spied on, and they’re wondering what the company is doing with their data.

A fair question. An April New York Times piece about the software’s bumpy rollout at Rutgers notes that Verificient’s CEO worked on airport security face-scanning for everyone’s most-trusted government agency, the TSA.

The similarities are noticeable, the Times reports: both the proctoring software and the TSA protocols flag any movement or facial expression that doesn’t conform to a narrow band of normal behavior. At the airport, it’s excessive yawning or looking down. For ProctorTrack, there’s a long list of requirements: always face the camera and stay within the webcam frame, be well-lit, and don’t take bathroom breaks.

Oh, and make sure to have your knuckles and your photo ID ready for scanning.

The Times also points to Verificient’s less-than-inspiring privacy policy, which “states that it may unilaterally amend its policies at any time and that it may disclose users’ personal information to third-party service providers or in the event of a company merger, sale or bankruptcy.”

Why was Rutgers so eager to throw students into this system that was patented just a month before they rolled it out? The NYT implies it’s because of the increasingly competitive market for online degrees, where being able to promise students aren’t gaming the system means you can charge higher tuition—even if you have to spy on students without so much as a written contract to do it.

“Officials at Rutgers and Verificient have not responded to inquiries about whether or not the company is in compliance” with the data-deletion policy, writes New Brunswick Today. Gawker has reached out to the university for comment, and will update this story with their response.

[Photo: Verificient.com]

Alabama Politician Claims God Told Him to Outlaw Saggy Pants

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Alabama Politician Claims God Told Him to Outlaw Saggy Pants

Rising inequality. Irreversible climate change. A possible third Grown Ups movie. These are just a few of the challenges facing America in the 21st Century. Luckily, our country is protected by our almighty creator who (when he isn’t smiting eponymous fast food chains) is apparently telling our legislators to address pressing issues like publicly exposed boxer shorts.

Or so says Frank Goodman, a councilman in Dadeville, Alabama who recently proposed a city ordinance banning saggy pants.

“I prayed and asked God to show me what I should do, and the way I should go about it,” Goodman told The Daily Beast in an interview published Monday:

“What would God do? Did God go around doing this?”

The councilman added: “He would [not] show me this saggy pant—it’s one of the things He did not do. It is not in His orders to do that to gain eternal life.”

At a council meeting this month, Goodman explained how drooping denim is “disrespectful,” a bad example to children, and bars the wearer from gainful employment. He told his colleagues what he told a Daily Beast reporter: “I prayed about this. I know that God would not go around with pants down.”

According to The Alexander City Outlook, Goodman’s fellow council members showed support for his proposal, although at least one thought it didn’t go far enough.

“My concern is it should be for everybody,” councilwoman Stephanie Kelley reportedly said. “I think for the girls, with these shorts up so high looking like under garments and dresses so short, I don’t want us to be showing favoritism.”

The city’s attorney told the paper he hopes to have draft of the ordinance ready by the time next time the council meets.

[Image via AP Images//h/t Death and Taxes]

Five Frat Brothers Charged With Murder Over Baruch Student's Hazing Death

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Five Frat Brothers Charged With Murder Over Baruch Student's Hazing Death

On Monday, a grand jury recommended criminal charges against 37 former members of Baruch College’s Pi Delta Psi fraternity over a freshman pledge’s 2013 hazing death, including third-degree murder charges against five of the brothers and the fraternity itself, WCBS-TV reports.

Authorities say 19-year-old Michael Deng died of a head injury in December 2013 after participating in Pi Delta Psi ritual known as “glass ceiling” in a snow-covered field. From WFMZ:

The ritual had Deng blindfolded and carrying a 30-pound weighted backpack on his back. He then needed to push through a line of fraternity brothers who are trying to stop him from getting through.

Police say the brothers “speared” and tackled Deng during this ritual. Deng, they say, complained about his head hurting and was eventually knocked unconscious. Deng was having trouble breathing but his fraternity brothers did not immediately call for help.

Instead, they called their National Fraternity President, Andy Meng, who told them to hide all fraternity items. Some of the men also researched Deng’s condition online.

Eventually, at least two hours after Deng was injured, police say fraternity members drove him to a hospital, where he then died.

The county coroner later concluded Deng suffered repeated blunt force trauma to his head, torso and thighs with the delay in treatment contributing to his death.

In addition to homicide, various Pi Delta Psis now face charges of involuntary manslaughter, aggravated assault, simple assault, hindering apprehension, hazing and criminal conspiracy, ABC News reports.

[Image via WABC-TV]

Cops: Mississippi College Shooting Suspect Told Police "He's Not Going to Jail"

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Cops: Mississippi College Shooting Suspect Told Police "He's Not Going to Jail"

Authorities in Mississippi say the man suspected of fatally shooting a woman he lived with and a Delta State University professor on Monday has spoken with police, telling an officer “he’s not going to jail,” the Associated Press reports.

http://gawker.com/delta-state-un...

Earlier today, officials identified Delta State geography instructor Shannon Lamb as the suspected killer of Amy Prentiss, who was found shot to death in her home, and history professor Ethan Schmidt, who was found shot to death in his campus office.

At a press conference Monday night, Gautier Police said Lamb is currently at large and urged other law enforcement agencies to exercise “extreme caution” when approaching the suspect. They did not say how or when they spoke to Lamb.

In the acknowledgments of his 2014 book Native Americans in the American Revolution, Schmidt thanked Lamb among other colleagues for his “support and friendship.”

[Image via WHBQ-TV]

Medieval Skeleton Found Dangling From the Roots of a Fallen Tree

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Medieval Skeleton Found Dangling From the Roots of a Fallen Tree

After a violent storm ripped through the Irish town of Collooney, locals were shocked to discover the remains of a 1,000-year-old skeleton hanging from the roots of a fallen tree.

The body, which belonged to a young man who appears to have died a violent death, was found beneath a 200-year-old beech tree. In a scene that must have been quite macabre, the upper part of the skeleton was found raised in the air within the tree’s root system, while the legs remained in the ground.

Medieval Skeleton Found Dangling From the Roots of a Fallen Tree

The leg bones of the Collooney skeleton still embedded in the ground (Credit: Thorsten Kahlert).

Irish Archaeology reports:

Preliminary analysis has indicated that the remains consist of young man who was between 17 and 25 years old when he died. His bones contained several injuries which had been inflicted by a sharp blade, possibly a sword or knife. He had obviously suffered a violent death, but whether these wounds were related to an ancient battle or a personal dispute remains unknown. The body was subsequently buried in a shallow east-west oriented grave and radiocarbon analysis indicates that this occurred sometime between 1030 and 1200 AD.

Archaeologists working for Sligo-Leitrim Archaeological Services will continue to investigate the site in hopes of finding more clues.

[ Irish Archaeology via The Irish Mirror ]



Email the author at george@io9.com and follow him at @dvorsky. Top image by Sligo-Leitrim Archeological Services/Marion Dowd.

Man Films Chilling Escape From California Wildfire

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On Sunday, a YouTube user uploaded a terrifying two-minute video showing his hair-raising escape from Northern California’s Valley fire, a blaze one sheriff called “the worst tragedy Lake County has ever seen.”

In the video’s comment section, the unidentified uploader admitted “we did wait way too long to get out” but said there was no smoke or ash coming toward their home at the time “so we honestly didn’t know how close it was.” From KTLA:

He said there were no firefighters in the area at the time and speculated that was because fire agencies did not have enough resources to deploy there.

“In retrospect, we should have gone out for a drive to find out what was going on, but we were a little preoccupied with packing,” the resident added.

According to state officials, the 62,000-acre wildfire has already killed one person, injured four others and destroyed 400 homes.

As of Monday night, the Valley fire was reportedly only 10% contained.

Professor Suspected in Delta State University Shooting Found Dead

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Professor Suspected in Delta State University Shooting Found Dead

A professor suspected of murdering two people—the woman he lived with and a professor he worked with—was found dead late Monday night, just a few hours after telling police he would not be going to jail.

http://gawker.com/cops-mississip...

Police believe Shannon Lamb killed his girlfriend, 41-year-old Amy Prentiss, before driving to Delta State University, where he allegedly shot and killed his colleague, 39-year-old Ethan Schmidt—a professor of American history who thanked Lamb in his book acknowledgements.

http://gawker.com/delta-state-un...

Lamb was able to escape the university campus, which went on lockdown after the shooting, and apparently traveled to to Arkansas before returning to Mississippi.

According to the New York Times, police finally caught up with Lamb late Monday night after a license plate reader caught Lamb’s car traveling across a bridge near the Mississippi river.

Police on the other side in Greenville followed Lamb but did not try to apprehend him, Bingham said. Lamb then pulled over and took off on foot. Bingham said the police were waiting for backup when they heard a gunshot. When backup arrived, they searched and found Lamb with a gunshot wound to the head.

Cops say Lamb’s motive is still unclear, though he had apparently recently asked for time off for an unknown medical issue.


Image via FOX. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.


Ariana Grande Says Good Morning to America, Which She Hates

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As the donut-licking trial of Ariana Grande entered its 67th day, the embattled former pop star finally took the stand in Good Morning America’s Times Square courtroom Tuesday morning to address allegations that she hates Americans. (The allegations are based on the time she said, “I hate Americans.”) But, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do you just go around wishing a good morning to people you hate? The defense rests.

“It’s important to think about what you say and do,” Grande testified, out of the left side of her mouth only.

http://gawker.com/ariana-grande-...

It is especially important to think about saying you’re sorry before you introduce defense exhibit A, a fragrance called “Ari by Ariana Grande,” to your remaining fans who haven’t just fucking died already despite your fervent wish that they would. It’s even more important to say those things when summer has come and gone and you still can’t drop your album until this whole donut thing blows over, so you’re forced to test the waters with a marshmallow-scented eau de toilette.

[h/t Gossip Cop]

Kylie Jenner's Bodyguards Shoved Some Lady, Jessica Albo Or Something?

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Kylie Jenner's Bodyguards Shoved Some Lady, Jessica Albo Or Something?

If I asked you to decide, whose comfort is more important—Jessica Alba’s or Kylie Jenner’s—you might ask, Who the hell cares? But if you’re Kylie Jenner’s bodyguards, you might ask, Who are you, get the hell out of the way, VIP coming through. Which is pretty much what happened to Jessica Alba—a real nobody—according to Kylie Jenner’s bodyguards.

See Alba and Jenner were both apparently at the Opening Ceremony fashion show Sunday night, an elaborate event meant to replenish Getty Images’ collection of celebrities sitting next to other celebrities. And for the most part, everything was fine.

But when all those celebrities stood up to leave, something strange happened—perhaps it was due to the full moon, or the lightheadedness that follows not eating for a week—but all of the sudden, teenage millionaires were shoving thirty-something billionaires in something out of a Page Six fever dream.

“After the show, trying to leave the venue, it was very crowded,” said a source. “Everyone was in the crush and Jessica had stopped briefly to say hi to someone when all of a sudden from behind came Jenner’s bodyguards. They just shoved Jessica out of the way. She just looked astonished!”

And then, you know what? Nothing happened!

But another source added, “Jessica didn’t freak out” over the incident.

She got shoved by a fellow celebrity and didn’t freak out. So is it now fair game to shove Jessica Alba? I’d argue...maybe. Who’s next, Kate Bosworth? Truly, is anyone safe?

Arguably the only real alternative to Jenner inevitably shoving whoever she comes across is for all celebrities to hire bodyguards, and for those bodyguards to then fight one another in some sort of tournament until one celebrity’s bodyguard emerges victorious. Then she—and only she—can leave the venue first. Is it fair? No—richer celebrities can obviously hire more skilled bodyguards. But that’s capitalism baby.


Images via AP. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

Bernie Sanders in the Lake of Fire and Brimstone

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Bernie Sanders in the Lake of Fire and Brimstone

Lynchburg, VAAmos 5:24- But let justice roll on like a river, and righteousness like a never-failing stream.

Atop the football stadium at Liberty University runs a big sign that reads “HOME OF THE FLAMES.” The same slogan as Hell. And the same beguiling tableau.

Heaven and hell: two sides of the same coin, indistinguishable twins. Liberty was founded in 1971 by Jerry Falwell, a polished, toad-like televangelist who emerged from a family of bootleggers and atheists to create a conservative Christian empire rooted in these hills. These rolling, green central Virginia hills, like frozen ocean swells, which even in the most pleasant weather make you feel as if you might die by mudslide at any moment. Lynchburg and its surrounding areas retain more than a hint of the backwoods. Any gentility here was once hacked out of this land by the power of someone’s sweat. Or by a Bible. Liberty, more than any other Christian college, is built to infuse its students with not just religion, but political religion; not just Christianity, but weaponized Christianity, designed to bend the rest of the nation to its precepts.

If Liberty is Jerry Falwell’s heaven, then it must, by definition, be Bernie Sanders’ hell. The old socialist agreed to come and speak here as a gesture of outreach and reconciliation. But if we are being honest, he was doing something else: meeting his enemy.


On the surface, Liberty looks like a regular college. It has handsome, new brick buildings, and clean trimmed lawns, and is visibly prosperous, with construction ongoing all over campus. There is a large student center, and a baseball stadium, and a gym, and a rock climbing wall, and an artificial ski slope. After its differences become apparent, though, they are hard to ignore.

The student body by and large looks like the student body of a normal college, if someone had taken it and removed the sluttiest 20% of students and all of the hardcore stoners. Speakers on every lamp post down University Boulevard on campus play Christian pop music ceaselessly, in the same way that American Eagle stores play techno. The school’s bookstore is run by Barnes & Noble, and offers the ample chairs and Starbucks outlet that come with every Barnes & Noble. But it does not offer the same book selection. There are separate sections for Ministry, Women’s Ministry, Devotionals, Christian Living, Christian Fiction, Biblical Studies, Bibles, Theology, Discipleship, Apologetics, Evangelism, and Missions. In the small Philosophy section, you can buy “Redeeming Philosophy: A God-Centered Approach to the Big Questions” and “Ender’s Game and Philosophy.” But no Nietzsche. God is not dead here, yet. In the Science section, you can buy “Signature in the Cell: DNA and Evidence for Intelligent Design.” But no Darwin.

Liberty opened a medical school last year, capable of performing the miracle of teaching biology without evolution.

What the school is not, however, is threatening. There is no fire nor brimstone to be found. Everything at Liberty is well-lit, clean, and welcoming. It is well-funded, well-run, and well attuned to the modern media environment. It is the academic version of a megachurch, where the church becomes your community center, your hangout place, your everything. Religion is just a comforting blanket that secures the whole package. The only contrast with its modernity is the fact that, at its core, it is based on superstitions thousands of years old.

Three times a week, Liberty students must go to “convocation,” to see a guest speaker, hear announcements, and enjoy a sort of Christian pep rally. Attendance is taken. “It’s like our version of chapel,” a smiling student told me. “But way better.” Convocation’s guest speakers are usually preachers, Christian entertainers, or Republican politicians. When Bernie Sanders agreed to speak at Monday’s convocation, the half of America that studiously ignores Liberty University at all times perked up and took notice.

Along with the political press corps. America’s traveling pack of khaki-wearers descended here on Monday morning. The event began at 10:30; the first five rows, reserved for the press, were full by 9:45. (The students, who have to do this shit all the time, didn’t file in until 10:15.) The school had thoughtfully opened the event to the public, so outside the areana, small knots of Bernie Sanders supporters could be seen arriving all morning. Many looked giddy. Others seemed prickly to be on such holy ground. A bearded local restaurant worker and atheist had a hard time tolerating the crowd. “I can’t tell you how many Liberty freshman have come in the restaurant and tried to save me,” he muttered. “I’m sure they’re only doing this so they can maintain their nonprofit status.” One group of three college students stood out amid the clean-cut hordes: one kid with a “Bernie Sanders 2016” t-shirt, one girl with dyed platinum blond hair, and another wearing a skully and bright red lipstick. They were students at a school 45 minutes away who’d come to see the show. I asked them what they thought of Liberty University. There was a long pause. “It... has a very nice campus,” volunteered the lipstick girl.

The mainstream political press corps during campaign season is America’s most harried group. Their lives are an endless procession of events like this. They must file stories at every stop. They do not have the luxury of contemplation; their job is to construct narrative, constantly, to give the sprawling and formless mass of politics a coherent storyline, real or not. They spin narrative at the same frantic pace that maquiladora workers turn out t-shirts. They are forced to push all events into an easily digestible template. Their jobs are not to be envied.

A half hour before convocation, in search of filler quotes, I leaned forward and asked the kid sitting in front of me what he thought. He turned out to be a high school kid and self-described “political junkie” who wanted to go to Liberty next year. Did he think Bernie could win over the crowd. “Well, he has a better chance than Hillary,” the kid said. I promised to ask him what he thought after the speech was over.

One minute later, a man from the New York Times walked up and interviewed the same kid, who was sitting in a convenient aisle seat. He got the same quotes. “I’d love to hear what you think after you hear him,” the Times guy said. Two minutes later, the AP man walked up and interviewed the same kid. A small band of dedicated activists could easily pose as the entire political pulse of America just by sitting three rows behind the traveling press corps, in aisle seats.

At 10:30 sharp, everyone rose and a student Christian band kicked off the show. All the guys in the band were wearing jeans and blazers. They looked like they worked in an ad agency. “I have deciiiiiided! To follow Jeeeeeesus!” they sang, in what was probably a first for the opening music of a Bernie Sanders rally.

As the band played on to a spiritual crescendo, the student body enthusiastically joined in. Hundreds and hundreds of 18-year-olds with their hands raised in the air, swaying back and forth, belting out “All heaven sings! To Christ alone!” with expressions of pure, heartfelt bliss. At that moment, I felt more sympathy for Liberty University’s existence than ever before. Where else were all of these kids going to go? Oberlin? Political considerations aside, everyone deserves a place to be themselves.

Bernie Sanders in the Lake of Fire and Brimstone

Of course, it is not easy to put political considerations aside when you contemplate the fact that at least some of the hundreds of kids singing “I believe! In the virgin birth!” must be medical students. Stay out of Lynchburg-area hospitals, sure, but who knows where they all end up? That’s the whole problem with evangelism: it wants to spread its god damn gospel to you. That is why evangelical Christians are inextricable from political battles, and why Liberty University’s kind service of providing a social outlet to church kids who would be friendless at UC-Santa Cruz is outweighed by the fact that it turns these nice kids into politicians who, in 20 years, will shut down the last abortion clinic in your state.

Into this grasping maw came Bernie Sanders. A spry and cranky old man in a baggy suit, white hair askew, preaching about economic equality. It is a long way from Vermont to Lynchburg, Virginia. Everyone had come out to see whether Bernie Sanders was capable of bridging that gap; whether the cranky socialist, in other words, could exhibit for once a quality that we expect in our politicians: schmoozy bullshitting with people you don’t like.

The answer is no. Upon taking the stage, the very first thing Bernie Sanders did was to tell the crowd, “We are different,” noting that he believes in the right to abortion, and gay marriage. He did this in the most polite possible context. Still, it was a bit of a proud I-put-my-dick-in-the-mashed-potatoes moment. It was clear that Bernie Sanders is constitutionally incapable of schmoozy bullshitting, which is the sort of thing that people with actual ideals will love him for and which the political press corps will call a “big drawback to electability.”

“It is easy to talk to people who agree with you,” Bernie said. “It is much harder, but not less important,” to talk to the sort of people who attend Liberty University convocation. Acknowledging bluntly that they would never agree on, let us say, social issues, Bernie went on to make a forceful (and predictably Bible-based) case that the economic inequality that plagues America is immoral, and should offend Christians in their very souls.

He quoted Pope Francis. He quoted the Golden Rule. He spoke in terms of justice, of right and wrong. His refrain was, “In my view, there is no justice when....”

When 15 people in America have gained $170 billion in wealth in two years. When 20% of American children live in poverty. When people die because our nation does not have public health insurance. When new mothers are forced to leave their babies because we do not have a federal family leave law. When we jail more people than any other country, but allow millions to suffer joblessness. Bernie Sanders made the case, as forcefully as it can be made, that these are moral issues, not partisan ones, and that the followers of Jesus—a guy who recommended giving everything that you have to the poor—should care about rampant inequality with the same passion that they care about, you know, other people ass fucking. He set aside the implacable social issues and sought to rally his political enemies to his side using their own proclaimed allegiance to the Christian ethic. (It made me idly wonder if everyone would accept a deal in which abortion is outlawed in exchange for full socialism in America.) Try as he might, he could not restrain himself from yelling. We must redistribute our wealth “to benefit EVERYONE,” he would roar, less a calculating politician than an outraged true believer impervious to his setting.

At the conclusion of Bernie’s speech, he sat on stage with Liberty’s David Nasser, who has the enviable title of “SVP of Spiritual Development,” to answer a few questions submitted by students. One challenged Bernie on abortion, which drew thunderous shrieks of agreement from the assembled student body. He gave not an inch. “I don’t wanna be too provocative,” he replied, “but often conservatives say ‘Get the government out of my life!’” To a question about ending racism, Bernie decried police violence, calling it “institutional racism that cries out for reform,” and cited America’s racist history of segregation to make the point that something more than vague paeans to equality are necessary for real change. Nasser, eager to establish his own side’s bona fides on the issue, chimed in, “At Liberty University, we’re not interested in seeing people of color sit on the bus, or sit in the restaurant—we want to see them own the bus, or own the restaurant!”

Bernie Sanders is a crusader. He does not seek to compromise, but to draw people into his own army with the power of his moral clarity. In this sense, he is not different from the religious crowd that sits in settled opposition to him. The difference is that Bernie Sanders’ crusade is based upon an honest reading of the facts of our world today, while Liberty University’s crusade is based upon a muddled reading of a book of tall tales told to ancient shepherds. Everyone—the Bernie partisans, the hardcore Republicans, the scorecard-keeping press corps—who came out to see if Bernie Sanders could survive in this ostensibly hostile environment was treated to a surprise. At the end of convocation, Nasser prayed aloud that Bernie “would know that he’s made friends today.”

Revelation 21:8-“All liars shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone.” Liberty University is too well-coiffed for fire and brimstone. But Bernie Sanders is not. He is impolite enough to start tossing people into the lake.

Home of the Flames, indeed.

[Photos via AP]

A Night in Atlantic City for Miss America's 95th Birthday

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A Night in Atlantic City for Miss America's 95th Birthday

“To Harrah’s. HARRAH’S!” slurred the woman getting on the mostly empty Greyhound bus to Atlantic City at 4 pm on Sunday. The bus smelled like Port Authority and cleaning fluid. Its limited riders were an array of earth’s varietals only visible on mass land transit: an exhausted traveler returning home to New Jersey with unwieldy luggage in tow, two wide-eyed young women dreaming of a lucky streak, an apparent expert who wearily boasted, “I’ve been dealing with Greyhound for years.”

After a two hour-plus journey, the bus deposited us at Caesar’s Palace, a brief walk from the Boardwalk, where what remains of Atlantic City still chugs along. Sunset brought a chill to the beach, hinting at the bleakness of winter to come. A slow tide of shivery women in skintight dresses and sky-high heels oozed down the rickety wood promenade, towards Boardwalk Hall, home of the Miss America Pageant, now in its 95th year.

A Night in Atlantic City for Miss America's 95th Birthday

The ones who didn’t want to teeter in their heels took pedicabs that were merely pushed by men, which meant they didn’t end up moving much faster than those walking. One pedicab group held precious cargo on their laps: clear boxes with crowns in them, the intended recipients unclear.

These women weren’t contestants, though they were mostly part of the pageant circuit, or adjacent to it. They wore sashes and crowns indicating their past honors, like Miss Connecticut Teen, who walked around in bejeweled flats until she got to the Hall, where she switched to intensely high sparkly heels. As it grew closer to show time, the number of posed group photos increased. ABC started shooting b-roll of a small group of screaming fans that would look larger on television. Men in suits were sprinkled throughout the crowd, an afterthought. It felt like televised prom.

Words unlikely to be used to describe this milieu are the ones Miss America most wants to be associated with: “Style, Service, Scholarship and Success,” the Organization’s slogan, represented by the four points on the Miss America crown. (fourpoints was also the name of the former MAO magazine.) They’re not words that the average American necessarily associates with the brand, but they’re the ones Miss America—or at least the Organization she belongs to—wants you to remember.

A Night in Atlantic City for Miss America's 95th Birthday

Style

The first three nights of Miss America aren’t seen outside of Atlantic City; Sunday, the fourth, is the only one shown on TV. This year, ABC did their darndest to make sure people would turn in, packing the stage with a slew of random, network-affiliated celebrity judges. Host Chris Harrison of The Bachelor was back, along with Brooke Burke, and music curator Nick Jonas, who chose “Worth It” by Fifth Harmony as the song the women would perform the swimsuit part of the competition to. The cherry on top was the return of Vanessa Williams, the only winner the pageant ever forced to resign, and the first black Miss America to boot.

http://jezebel.com/miss-america-c...

The swimsuit portion of the program is the part of the pageant that has long gotten the most negative attention; it was on this very boardwalk in 1968 where the term “bra-burning” inaccurately became a common way to describe feminists for years to come.

1968 became infamous, but protests actually continued for years, with the tension remaining static: Groups like the National Organization for Women argued that the pageant was oppressive for women, while the women partaking argued, as Miss Wyoming 1974 Cheryl Johnson did, that “in essence they’re telling us is that you’re wrong for standing up there on stage. They’re going to tell us how to run our own lives.”

“We’re not telling them that,” she added.

A Night in Atlantic City for Miss America's 95th Birthday

The feminists were fighting an uphill battle, but a semi-successful one in the end. By arguing that Miss America was set up according to archaic standards, they influenced the pageant’s viewership—and maybe even the pageant itself. As the MAO’s own website explains, in the 1970s, “As the momentum of the women’s movement grew, the women of Miss America were increasingly turning their attention to professional goals.”

Three decades later, the organization would attempt to drop one of their more oppressive requirements, that participants must admit that they’ve never been divorced or had an abortion before being allowed to compete. As the AP reported in 1999 of the ban on those women from competing:

The state pageants are expected to continue fighting it.

“Miss America has a long history of high moral standards and traditions, and opposed to anything that changes that,” said Libby Taylor, executive director of the Miss Kentucky Pageant and president of the National Association of Miss America State Pageants.

Leonard C. Horn, the longtime CEO of the pageant who stepped down last year after 30 years with the organization, said the rule change was a mistake.

“It is totally unnecessary and will ultimately lead to the destruction of the Miss America Program,” he said.

Citing Miss America as “your ideal,” Horn went on to say that, “It’s acceptable in today’s society, but no one could argue that an unwanted pregnancy or an abortion is ideal. A failed marriage is not an ideal. It’s acceptable and it happens, but it’s not an ideal.”

Robert C. Beck, the new chief executive and man behind overturning the ban, was swiftly fired.

Service

It took awhile for Boardwalk Hall to get close to full, and it never did actually entirely did max out its 10,000-plus seats. Women and girls in the audience arranged themselves so their sparkly signs and professionally made banners were the most visible, and acquainted themselves with those next to them. (“I’m sitting next to Miss Florida’s sorority roommate,” the middle-aged woman in front of me texted.) There was wide, whispered wondering about whether the room would properly fill up, as women wearing pins with the faces of other women on them sipped glasses of white wine and placated their daughters with fries. The closer to the stage you got, the fancier the finery became; after all, those were the people who would definitely be on television.

A Night in Atlantic City for Miss America's 95th Birthday

An hour before the live broadcast began, Miss America 2015 Kira Kazantsev gave out Honorary Miss America titles to several women whose husbands had died while in the military. To the mostly empty venue, Kazantsev shared their sad stories, seemingly choking up at one point herself, as a stage full of past Actual Miss Americas—including Gretchen Carlson—welcomed the women into their ranks. Then, Miss America 2002 sang the National Anthem. At one point, the Hall’s apparently famous organ played. The room felt sort of like a gymnasium, gussied up.

Kazantev’s history as a (former) mean girl who hazed her sorority sisters hasn’t appeared to have tainted her reign; the audience loudly welcomed her. She’d won on the platform “Love Shouldn’t Hurt: Protecting Women Against Domestic Violence,” a topic only slightly more controversial than most that are chosen by contestants since that premise started in 1989, things like bullying, or the new Miss America, 20-year-old Miss Georgia Betty Cantrell’s platform: “Healthy Children, Strong America.”

http://jezebel.com/there-she-is-y...

“Miss America is really about service,” the Miss America Organization CEO Sam Haskell said in a press conference Sunday night after they’d crowned Cantrell. “Is Miss America about red carpets and glamour? Absolutely. Is Miss America about singing the National Anthem—and absolutely with someone like Betty Cantrell, I’m sure we’ll be booking her a lot to do that—but what Miss America is really about is about service. And that’s what we’re most proud of. That’s what we try to focus on. Miss America has to have a service heart, and she has to have a heart for service.”

With this heart for service, Cantrell will spend her year traveling “approximately 20,000 miles a month, changing her location every 18 to 36 hours,” the Organization explains on their website. “She tours the nation reaching out to support her ideals, committed to helping others.”

Cantrell was dubbed a surprise win by the many non-experts who watched her for two hours Sunday night; she tripped twice on her white crop-top dress, and basically flubbed the question posed to her about “deflategate.” (She had to have it repeated to her, and still struggled to answer it.) But her vocal performance of “Tu Tu Piccolo Iddio” from Puccini’s Madame Butterfly apparently knocked the judges’s socks off, talent-wise. Her undeniable beauty probably didn’t hurt, but in the Hall, the thing that was the clearest was her smile. Every time she learned she’d progressed further in the competition, it looked like the sun was beaming out of her face.

Scholarship

Last year, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver put together a scathing package on supposed $45 million Miss America makes “available” annually to its contestants in scholarship funds. Oliver and his writers pointed out that the Miss America Organization was drastically overstating the amount of money it gave away through its “scholarship program,” and Miss America sort of conceded this report was true.

This year, in advance of the pageant, and in the spirit of “full transparency,” the MAO released an extensive press packet outlining how much money they actually give away. “While accurate,” they wrote of the $45 million, “this figure did not convey the actual acceptance and utilization of scholarships, especially in the form of in-kind tuition waivers.” The press release acknowledged that in 2014, MAO actually only gave out about $6 million.

A Night in Atlantic City for Miss America's 95th Birthday

Basically, Miss America was counting money that doesn’t actually make it into the hands of its participants as money that they “made available” to the women. Through a hypothetical situation, they explain how winners of “Miss State” get money from their placement in Miss America, with additional “in-kind tuition waivers” offered by a variety of schools. Previously, the Miss American Organization counted all of these scholarship offers from different schools together, despite the fact that the Miss State in question can only accept one. Now, they explain, they’ve altered their presentation of that hypothetical money, to specify that only money actually accepted counts towards their total.

Miss America still claims that despite their clarification, the Organization “remains the nation’s largest provider of scholarship assistance for young women” (though, again, much of that money comes from their local state pageants). The money received by participants who don’t win Miss America is broken down below, but what it doesn’t account for is how much these women must spend to even get to this stage in pageant participation. Winning $1,000 in “non-finalist talent” is a drop in the bucket for the years spent on personal grooming, music lessons, travel to pageants, etc.—which reports indicate can total over ten grand, depending on how long you’ve been doing the circuit. (The Organization claims “It does not cost a cent to compete in the Miss America program—all you need is commitment, perseverance, talent and ambition.”)

A Night in Atlantic City for Miss America's 95th Birthday

But the drive remains prevalent, at least for some. “Young women at home, can you see yourself competing to be Miss America?” Brooke Burke asked the audience at the beginning of the show. The question was phrased to seem rhetorical.

Success

The return of Vanessa Williams to Sunday night’s special as Head Judge was heralded as quite a big deal, because of the scandal that dethroned her and her subsequent fame despite (or because of) it. After being introduced, Williams sang “Oh How the Years Go By” by Amy Grant, a song clearly chosen for its poignant lyrics :

There were times we stumbled/ They thought they had us down

But we came around/ How we rolled and rambled

We got lost and we got found/ Now we’re back on solid ground, yeah

As she performed, the backdrop behind her showed photos and snapshots of her life—including headlines like “Miss America Gives Up Crown” and the People magazine cover “I’ve Hit Rock Bottom.” (“I feel as if I were just a sacrificial lamb. The past just came up and kicked me. I felt betrayed and violated, like I had been raped,” Williams said then.)

Though the press release announcing Williams’s return made no reference to why she’d been ousted from the pageant, the event would have to—and the manner in which they’d do this was reported as contentious. Before the show aired, according to TMZ, “the Miss America people were under the impression Vanessa would apologize for her actions, and then they would give her the crown,” while Williams reportedly had expected the opposite to occur.

Whether that report was accurate or not, Williams got her way: she was welcome back to the stage with a standing ovation. Calling himself her “close friend” for over three decades, CEO Haskell apologized to Williams (“Though none of us currently in the organization were involved then...”) for her having to resign.

“I want to apologize for anything that was said or done that made you feel any less than the Miss America you are and the Miss America you always will be,” he said, as her mother beamed from the audience.

Haskell has been credited with Miss America’s current relevance in society at large, bringing the pageant back to ABC in 2010 and back to Atlantic City in 2013. (He’s also apparently thankful of for the John Oliver scholarship snafu. “Now we have become transparent,” he said in an interview. “We now know exactly what we’re giving out and awarding, and we’re changing our language. We will never again say $45 million is available. We’re just going to talk about what’s awarded. So thank you, John Oliver.”)

“Sam, so unexpected but so beautiful,” Williams said, before thanking her publicist and then Haskins for his “leadership, your integrity, and your bringing this pageant back to what it ought to be.” Later, during the post-show press conference, she’d add, somewhat confusingly, “It’s wonderful to be back to—I don’t even know how to say... the Miss America Pageant... but I wanted to say, whatever the upgrade is on the iPhone, it’s not 2.0, but it’s running at top speed and it’s off the Richter scale and I’m happy to be part of the sisterhood again.”

Haskell and Williams seemed to indicate that Miss America is changing, but other evidence suggests that, as it has been for years, it’s on its last legs. What should the pageant be? What was it before? Bringing it back to Atlantic City certainly hasn’t returned it to its imaginary halcyon days, a time when the pageant was about more than just women in bathing suits—that’s literally what Miss America started as in New Jersey. And, while bringing it to ABC might bring it more eyes, it doesn’t really bring it more class or focus on service; during the broadcast, the ABC cameramen kept flicking to Williams’s immobile face when Miss South Carolina—who is black—was shown on screen, much the way they’d cut to country music star Brett Eldredge looking serious during the swimsuit competition.

The relationship between packaging and substance seems permanently and irreparably different than what the pageant thinks it is. The Miss American Organization says substance and projects sequins. As with any of its winners, the outside glitz overpowers the volunteer work.

Anyway, the underlying purpose of the pageant for the participants seems very clear. They’re here to get famous, or if they don’t get that, successful. Williams wasn’t just brought back because of her dramatic exit, or her historical legacy; she was brought back because she is arguably the most famous Miss America ever. Whether she would have achieved her success in entertainment without the platform is unclear; it’s safe to say most contestants don’t, despite many of them declaring they’d like to go into entertainment. (Runner-up chosen careers this year at least include leading non-profits or going to medical school.)

A Night in Atlantic City for Miss America's 95th Birthday

Once Williams was shepherded to the judging table Sunday night, the focus on the past was put where it belonged. The show’s hype woman, Dena Blizzard, former Miss Jersey 1975, consistently reminded the audience to hold up their signs and to applaud and cheer loudly during breaks (“These signs are so important when we’re on TV”)—though cautioned them to “know who is sitting next to you,” so as not to insult a girl from another state with friends and family nearby. Her job took on a more meaningful role when she started interviewing the 37 women who were not in the final 15, who would spend the rest of the competition on stage watching their peers get closer to winning the crown.

Most thanked their friends and family, because that’s what the audience appeared to be made of: at points, it felt like potentially the only people in America who cared about Miss America were the several thousand people sitting in Boardwalk Hall. Blizzard also pointed out the former “state contestants who come back every year” in the audience, asking the fair smattering of them to stand up and receive a round of applause.

This small-town quality of the pageant became more apparent when you watched the screens that were broadcasting what people at home could see. The space seemed more packed and grand, the dresses sparklier, the famous people more famous. But even on those big screens, the talent portion of the program seemed more talent-show than television-worthy, and the 20-second answers to the most important questions of our sociopolitical time (on Donald Trump, Planned Parenthood, Kim Davis, Tom Brady, Black Lives Matter and more) were entirely beside the point. The actual judging is arcane and uninteresting; the top 15 women were chosen by preliminary judges that no one knows, and the criteria by which the celebrity judges rank those 15 women is even more mysterious.

After surging in the ratings with its return to ABC, Miss America’s popularity has cooled. The ratings for Sunday night’s broadcast remained the same as last year, after dropping considerably from the year before when it re-debuted, at roughly 7 million.

That’s a far cry from the once 75 million viewers who watched the first full Miss America Pageant when it was broadcast in 1959. Much of this, it has been argued, has to do with the easy way fame is achieved now. Women don’t need Miss America to become famous, but Miss America needs them. The pageant has become a spectacle for spectacle’s sake, a token of the past, whereas it was once a sign of its time. It makes news for a brief news cycle, then lies dormant for a year, while Miss America travels the country, popping up in the local news wherever she lands.

What is Miss America’s purpose? What is its future? “Style, Service, Scholarship and Success.” Three out of those four s’s have to do with helping just one individual girl, not America at large—a focus that perhaps reflects a truer aspect of our national dream.

That night I left the Hall before Betty Cantrell was crowned; I had a bus to catch if I didn’t want to be stuck in Atlantic City overnight. The Boardwalk was almost empty, with only a few mothers with their young daughters leaving to beat the rush. “It’s freezing out,” a security guard griped, a sentiment all the women inside likely would echo once they exited. The Atlantic City Bus Terminal was less than nothing to remark on, the Greyhound back full of old men who smelled like cigarettes. The bus driver reminded everyone that drinking alcohol was not permitted. The wifi didn’t work. As we hit the highway, and my fellow travelers started to fall asleep, Betty Cantrell was probably grinning ear-to-ear, her reign as Miss America just beginning.

Style. Service. Scholarship. Success. Say it one more time.


Contact the author at dries@jezebel.com.

Images via AP, Author, Getty. Lede image AP/Bobby Finger.

Never Make Eye Contact

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Never Make Eye Contact

Amber Heard, a blonde who recently married Johnny Depp, invited her mother to a screening of Depp’s Whitey Bulger biopic Black Mass last night. Let what transpired at the end of the red carpet be a lesson to everyone, most of all Amber Heard’s mother.

In the video above, filmed by KISS 92.5, Amber Heard’s mother makes the mistake of identifying herself as such to the cameraman. “I’m her mom—Amber’s,” she says. Then, a flash: Amber Heard storms off the red carpet, sweeping her mother away with the gale force winds she created by walking so swiftly.

Says Amber thinly and derisively to her mother before the two disappear from the frame: “Never make eye contact.”

That is, if you know what’s good for you.


Contact the author at allie@gawker.com.

Today's Best Deals: $10 Bluetooth Headphones, $50 Action Cam, and More

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Today's Best Deals: $10 Bluetooth Headphones, $50 Action Cam, and More

Here are the best of today’s deals. Get every great deal every day on Kinja Deals, follow us on Facebook and Twitter to never miss a deal, join us on Kinja Gear to read about great products, and on Kinja Co-Op to help us find the best.


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Murderer Still on Prison Roof, Now Dancing to Thong Song as Adoring Crowd Cheers

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Murderer Still on Prison Roof, Now Dancing to Thong Song as Adoring Crowd Cheers

Convicted murderer turned prisoners’ rights protester Stuart Horner is nearing the end of his third day on the roof of Manchester, England’s Strangeways prison, and a throng of supporters has turned the standoff into a party. Police made some tentative attempts to remove Horner from the roof Tuesday, but he’s thus far held them off. And danced to Sisqo’s “Thong Song.”

http://gawker.com/there-is-curre...

According to the Manchester Evening News’s minute-by-minute coverage of Horner’s antics, he was able to hold officers off with one of the poles he ripped off of the roof. In a video, he appears to push away a police ladder and jab at the cops to keep them from coming up:

At last report, there were officers on one side of the roof, but Horner has been staying away from them.

The officers may be reluctant to bring Horner down by force because of what happened during the last rooftop protest at Strangeways, back in 1990—it ended with an infamous riot that killed 2 and wrecked part of the prison before it was finally put down.

Somewhere between 60 and 100 inmates were moved to other facilities today as a safety measure, the Evening News reports, and 25 others were relocated within Strangeways.

It looks like Horner will face a rainy night going into day four of his protest, but that hasn’t damped the spirits of his supporters, who were getting down to Bob Marley at last report.


Do Not Dwell in the Past, Do Not Dream of the Future: There Is a Cadbury Screme Egg

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Do Not Dwell in the Past, Do Not Dream of the Future: There Is a Cadbury Screme Egg

I took a trip to the grocery store last night after work, much like the scenario presented in David Foster Wallace’s famous Kenyon College commencement speech “This Is Water,” and a treat caught my eye. Have you ever seen it before? I had not.

A Cadbury “Screme Egg.” Like a Cadbury Creme Egg, but for Halloween. It was presented without fanfare next to the Halloween-shaped Reese’s candy, a treat everyone has seen before, as if it were the same. But it is not the same: it is new.

That’s a lie, though. It is not new. It is at least two years and 11 months old, based on this two-years-and-11-months old posting from a message board:

I was just at a gas station when I saw these. What the hell? I thought these delicious creme filled concoctions only came around during Easter? How long have a been missing out every Halloween... not knowing these existed?

Man—that’s what I’m saying, in a way.

As a young person I loved Cadbury Creme Eggs. (As an older person—though still so young that it is crazy—I find myself enjoying them less and less. They are very gross, actually, but yes I would like one if you have an extra.) While I lamented the fact that they only came around in springtime, I knew their seasonal nature made them better somehow than if they were available year-round. A special treat. Eat them and feel disgusting while you can—they won’t last forever. Would I have asked for them to be available year-round if presented with that specific wish opportunity? Maybe, but I would have thought about it first.

And yet, without anyone having asked for them, here they were again, in the fall. Filling too late a former almost-desire. Plying children with chocolate and goo months after their chocolate and goo supply should have depleted, months before the anticipation of more chocolate and goo should have awoken within them.

After getting home, I asked a friend, “Have you ever seen this before?” He said no. Soon after I asked another friend, “You ever seen these before?”—he also said no. A poll of two coworkers split the difference: one coworker had never seen them, another said she had seen them in grocery stores for “several years.” Just a little bit of research.

Here is what they look like inside:

Do Not Dwell in the Past, Do Not Dream of the Future: There Is a Cadbury Screme Egg

Divorced from its tenuous association with egg yolk, the fondant inside the egg, now green, denotes not life, but death; not rebirth, but snot; not Jesus, but Halloween Jesus (Satan). The fondant’s consistency is still something for which you’d rather not spend too much time thinking of a comparison. The chocolate is the same.

Do Not Dwell in the Past, Do Not Dream of the Future: There Is a Cadbury Screme Egg

It tastes like a Cadbury Creme Egg.

A Cadbury “Screme Egg.” How about that. Like the Cadbury Creme Eggs you once thought as limited, but right now, sitting in your grocery store, next to things more familiar, with green inside. Something you might have wanted at one point, here to remind you that you no longer want it. Presented without fanfare. Gross. Disgusting and sugary and too much—now even more. A Cadbury “Screme Egg.” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Screme egg.

Life can surprise you, usually in a way that doesn’t matter ultimately.


Images via Kelly. Contact the author at kelly.conaboy@gawker.com.

Hmmm a Lot of Gawker Readers Claim They've Assaulted a Famous Person

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Hmmm a Lot of Gawker Readers Claim They've Assaulted a Famous Person

Earlier today, we brought you the story of famous sibling Kylie Jenner’s bodyguards shoving Honey actress Jennifer Alba out of the way at a fashion show. Surprisingly, it turns out a lot of Gawker readers can relate to Kylie Jenner.

http://defamer.gawker.com/kylie-jenners-...

Or maybe they can’t—you could all be liars for all I know—but here’s one thing I do know—an awful lot of you claim you’ve pushed, shoved, nearly run over and nearly been run over by a fairly diverse group of famous people.

Close Calls

True story: I almost backed over Walter Cronkite in Midtown traffic trying not to block the box.

Milton Berle’s Cock

I nearly shoved Lyle Lovett, but at the last minute he stepped aside and let me out the door of the South Magnolia Cafe. Also, I recognized he was Lyle Lovett...

Also as well: can we fix that headline? It’s making me itch a little.

BaggyTrousers3

Michelle Williams nearly backed over ME as I walked past her garage.

daniellegee

I was walking past Harrods in London and in short succession almost bumped into Colm Meaney and George Wendt. I was stunned at almost bumping into Meaney when I almost clobbered Wendt.

BaggyTrousers3

Max Weinberg almost ran over me with his car, in a crosswalk at 8th Avenue and W. 53rd St. once. I’m a huge Springsteen fan, too, so it might have been an appropriate way to die.

Ray Fosse

I almost hit Lewis Black with my car once.

Abbie

I nearly ran over (then Congressman) Rod Blagojevich when he was jogging and, without warning, darted across the street in front of my car. While I narrowly avoided plowing right into him, I did lay on the horn and flip him an enthusiastic bird before realizing how he was (and not caring after I did).

His hair remained impeccably in place the entire time though. Aquanet is a force to be reckoned with.

EastofEdens

I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before elsewhere, but I once almost ran Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin (and their children) down when they stepped out into the street literally in front of my car without bothering to look. I blared the horn, flipped them off, and started yelling out the window about what idiots they were when my wife stopped me and pointed out who I was yelling at. I could have given less of a shit. You shouldn’t step out into traffic without at least a glance in both directions, especially with your kids in tow.

SeanG

I almost hit Jack Nicholson with my car once (on accident). Also, I nearly got arrested with Martin Sheen once (on purpose).

I lived in LA for ten years, stuff happens.

cathygale

Accidental Bumps

I once walked into Spike Lee in the middle of Times Square. I practically knocked the poor man over. He was actually very charming.

youjustkeepthinkingbutch

My dad ran smack into Dolly Parton once and knocked the poor woman to the floor! He helped her up, was super apologetic, and she was of course an absolute darling about it and struck up a conversation with him! She was up-and-coming at that time and he became a fan of hers after that.

AssFault on the Highway to Hell

Years ago, I was working with Florence Henderson at an event and I was a busy bee so had on the obligatory baseball cap. I bent down to fix her mic and bonked her in the face, hard, with the bill of my cap. I was mortified but she was cool about it. Mrs. Brady is a total sweetie pie.

Regis Philbin, on the other hand, is a screechy tool.

tornadoslackss

I took a step backwards at a conference in Mexico City and accidentally body checked Carlos Slim. He’s one of the richest men in the world; lives under legitimate threat of assassination, and his body guards didn’t touch me.

Way to overreact amateur goons guarding Kylie Jenner.

Wheelwatching

I face planted into Josh Henderson in a Target one time. Then I just stared at him because people with two different colored eyes are freaky.

Piggly #2

I walked directly into Charley Pride at DFW.

Nardcore

I accidentally knocked over David Byrne and then grabbed his butt when trying to stop us both from falling (it was during a talking heads show and he jumped off the stage right into me, so I don’t feel guilty about it). His butt was mushy!

hercules q. einstein

I was nearly steamrolled by Peter Buck as we both rounded the corner of a building.

PinballMonster

I walked into Robert Rodriguez because I was walking while looking over my shoulder to talk to my friend. He was very nice about it. I also opened a door and barreled through it and almost knocked Skeet Ulrich over. I think I might be kind of a rude dick. I did do something nice for a celebrity by opening the door for Rhett Miller when he locked himself out of a bar by walking through a self-locking door.

south2nd

I ran into Michael Vick at the Miami airport one time. Knocked both of us to the ground, and his bodyguards/entourage were very polite. Vick assured me everything was ok and we both went about our day. Except I think he ended up with my water bottle and I got his.

JaboosMeltedButter

I was exiting a radio station once in the 00’s and hit Mandy Moore in the face with a door. Her large manservant growled at me.

Sick Burns

True fact: My friend’s father in Buenos Aires once turned a corner and literally knocked an 80-year-old Jorges Luis Borges to the ground. This was apparently in a fairly crowded plaza and the onlookers were quite aghast at seeing the national treasure of Argentina (who was also completely blind at this point) get laid out like that.

The father’s story—proof that dad humor is a global phenomenon—always ends with him saying that it was “the closest he ever got to great literature.”

snorkulus

I was a stylist/market editor at one point in my life, and was late for an appointment at Bergdorf’s. I was speed walking down 57th Street, and almost mowed down Ralph Lauren exiting the Tourneau. I put on the brakes, and did some miraculous pirouette side-step behind him as he made a bee-line towards his waiting black SUV on the curb. On hindsight, I should’ve been more aware that the SUV was waiting there for some VIP, as there is no parking on that section of the street. I whizzed by him so quickly, that I only realized it was Ralph Lauren after I was able to breathe again, and oxygen returned function to my brain. Also, I often wonder if I had knocked him to the ground, would my life have become some romantic comedy where I’d get a glamorous job at his company, or would I watch my career spin out in a downward trajectory...

Nap-Time

I ran headlong into Kurt Vonnegut outside the doors of the Air and Space museum theatre, just before one of his speeches.

I looked appropriately sheepish, grabbed my stuff off the floor, and in one of those oh-so-rare moments when you brain actually functions in those situations, shrugged, and managed to croak out “So it goes”. (after like three oh-my-god-I’m-so-sorry’s)

ThorC1138

I smashed into Moby once as he came out of some shitty little vegan restaurant. Jesus, he’s tiny.

After that I walked around the corner and got caught in an ATM vestibule with Lou Reed. Jesus, he’s tiny too (or was).

I love NYC.

Cockadoodoo

I literally walked into Shaq, bounced off him, my nose hit his sternum. I am neither petite nor short. I got the classic Shaq grin. So I gave him a “’sup”.

AlienIntelligence

I walked into Nathan Fillion once as I was getting off of an elevator. He really should have waited for us to exit first. I don’t watch Firefly so this really made no impression on me.

WINBOT5000

I headbutted Donald Sutherland, when I turned to rush out of Keihl’s on 3rd Ave. When I looked up and saw who was towering over me, I thought, Donald Sutherland looks old, and this was in 1996. He didn’t say anything and I just stammered “I’m so sorry” and kept on out of there.

hicountryho

I came and a corner carrying my skis and almost took off Jamie Lee Curtis’s head. She was cool.

Arnold also stopped short right in front of me on one slope requiring a very quick turn, meaning I sprayed snow all over his lower legs.

Fun times in Sun Valley. The celebs and high net worth people love it because you can’t recognize anyone with a ski helmet on!

Four-ring-circus

Robert Plant bumped into me once and said I’m sorry so politely. He should be Kylie’s bodyguard.

Siena Vienna

I bumped into Grace Coddington at full New York walking speed and it was the highlight of my life.

merlinpeen

I got Grace Coddigton’s hair in my mouth during a fashion week crush once. I consider that a highlight of my life, however.

Potatoes Gonna Potate

I once bumped into Danny McBride, he seemed to be very sheepish. I half expected a Kenny Powers freakout, but nothing.

Dingus

A friend of mine got bad news from the guidance office one day and stormed out. Blinded by her rage she accidentally checked a small dude into a locker. Pretty quickly she realized it was Dith Pran. He was speaking at our high school that day about the horror of the killing fields. Talk about a hard life.

PoliticalVortex

I collided with Serena Altschul at a concert at Giants Stadium and knocked the better part of two beers all over the pair of us. I wish there was a better denouement to this story than “we both profusely apologized and I had to go buy two more beers” but there you have it.

ekthesy

I face planted into Michael Strahan’s chest at the post office. Dude is huge. It was like walking into a brick wall.

Saucedgarden

I was dancing at the Pink Elephant a long time ago and accidentally elbowed one of 50cents’ boduguards right in the face. He had his death face on, but seemed to accept my apology. As long as Kylie tweets an apology, WE’RE GOOD.

Bateman

I once ran smack into Steny Hoyer during my time as an exploited Capitol Hill intern. He was pulling a door open and was about to walk through at the exact second I was trying to push it open in a rush to get back to my office. I apologized and said, “excuse me” a couple of times, and the prick just gave me serious stinkface. He actually seemed annoyed that the unpaid intern doing his higher-ranked (and twice the asshole) colleague’s idiotic bidding because she wanted to serve her country had dared to get in his way. If I ever ascend into a position of great power and authority, I pray that I don’t treat people the way he treated me that day.

On the other hand, Dennis Kucinich waved at me when I was trying to get my boss’ attention and he got caught in the crossfire. Anyone who will give a genuine smile and wave to a no-name intern waving like a maniac is more than okay in my book.

chickster

I was rushing through the merchandise mart in Chicago, and a guy a little shorter than me stepped right in front of me and we collided hard. we both turned around for the obligatory stare down. I was staring into the eyes of Roy Jones Jr. I just said “Sorry Champ,” and got the hell out of there.

nicktheknife

Back in 1987-88 a friend of mine was at a Roy Orbison show. After the show, Orbison walked through the crowd and was shaking hands. He missed seeing my friend with his hand out and then someone slammed into my friend who then ended up planting his fist right in Roy’s back. He still swears to this day that dislodged something that ended up in Roy’s heart, causing the eventual heart attack.

Bash0110

I bumped into Wayne Newton’s chest in Springfield Missouri Bass Pro Shop. He is very tall - my head hit his chest. He was wearing a maroon velour jump suit, he was very nice about it. wasn’t until i walked away that i realized it was Wayne Newton.

danke schoen, Wayne.

deliaplum

I almost took down Joanna Newsom once. I was going to the restroom at her show (it was in a church) and as I was going into the stall she was coming out and I DAMN near body checked her because I was trying to hurry because I didn’t want to miss her. I managed to eek out “ohmygodhioopsimsosorrybreakaleg” before I hurried into the bathroom stall and berated myself for being a spaz.

She was really tiny and gorgeous.

crucifictorious916

I once accidentally cut Porter Wagner off on the phone. He was very nice about it, thank god.

jlfforalways

I almost stepped on Warwick Davis. He was super polite and gracious, and I stammered like an idiot.

rival.gangs

I elbowed Corey Feldman in the face once. He was standing behind me at some lame bar in LA and he’s just that short.

spymylittleye

I stepped aside to allow David Niven to get past me in front of Tiffany’s in NYC. Yes, it’s true... I’m too old to give a shit about lying for attention.

maryisly

I almost backed into Angelina while turning my shopping cart around. Does that count?

PeggyI

I once bumped into JT Snow (SF Giants 1B back in the day).

He was totally coo!

HunterPenceNoneTheRicher

Conscious Shoves

I shoved Spalding Gray once. I still regret it, and I’m not even famous.

Deeply Moral Nihilist

I kicked the shit out of John Larroquette at the Circus Circus Midway in one those things where you shoot water into a clown’s mouth to win a prize. What happens in Vegas, my ass!

TwoPumpTrump

I shoved Patti Smith (by mistake) at a High Times party once. Hilarity ensued.

Unrepentant Punk

That guy that plays Schmidt on new girl? Shoved him

DonnieReynolds

I shoved the San Diego Chicken once and he yelled at me.

LA0811

Woody Allen shoved me in the entrance at Michael’s (next to the cigarette machine) while holding his clarinet case football-style.

2904Interceptor

On a sprint to the bathroom at 7B I had to pick up Janeane Garofalo and toss her out of the way because she was blocking the door. Ben Stiller, who was with her at the time, was not impressed.

sunstroked

My principal at the time (mid-level athlete) while I was still running a temp security team in college literally ran into a premiere bro-country singer in the pits of a NASCAR race. The singer was not as famous as he is now and his security (one guy) was in trail position. He was embarrassed and tried to get tough with my teammate who was a recon marine home on leave and moonlighting.

Singer’s security wouldn’t stand down and be professional. Might have gotten ugly but the singer defused the whole situation and took my principal for a beer. Good dude.

Some day I’ll tell you about Christina aguilara in the bar bathroom in 1999.

Boilerjeff

My dad tells this story every time he drinks. This was in the 70’s and He was at ohare airport waiting for his flight when he sees Kareem Abdul Jabar. He asks for an autograph, and Kareem just sticks out his hand and pushes my dad away. My dad yells at the tv every time he comes on now.

Rsca

I shoved adam sandler off the sidewalk- or so I was told by a passer by, I honestly wasn’t paying attention, it was crowded.

scowlfacekris

Will Ferrell once shoved my wife into the street, he didn’t seem to notice one bit.

gonzojon

That’s Just Rude

I rubbed up against Christian Slater once on an escalator at the Tribeca Film Festival. On purpose. Tits to chest. Untamed heart.

whirlaway

I threw an empty bottle of water at Vin Diesel in 2001. I haven’t decided if I regret it.

FirstTimeLongTimeNextTimeLastTime

Dumped beer on Jerry Springer, 6th row of the 2001 Madonna “Drowned World” tour.
STAR. STRUCK. KLUTZ.

A House In Virginia

I’ve never shoved a celebrity. But once while in New Orleans at the same time as the AFL Arena Bowl I ran into an elevator at the Downtown Marriott just a Ron Jaworski was approaching. Without holding the door for him I was able get a very loud “Go fuck yourself Ron Jaworski” just before the doors closed. Best day ever.

Pendley

Valerie Bertinelli called me the “c” word once for making her wait to get into the back entrance to the LA Sports Arena for a Stevie Ray Vaughan Concert. I made her wait and let in David Bowie before her (she was with Eddie Van Halen - and both were acting like d*cks).

TiggyWinkle22

I drunkenly punched Sam L Jackson one night at an event because he refused to take a picture with my mate that loved him. I think the only reason he conceded is because he was shocked that a five foot nothing chick would be so brazen... I was also told to stop talking so a picture could be taken by Jonathan Silverman. Cheap warm wine at a celebrity charity event on the beach is never a good idea.

alsys

When I was 17, I threw up on Lynda Carter’s front lawn.

wowziewoowoo

I’ve never assaulted a celebrity—that I know of—but I suppose there’s still time. Have you? Let us know at tips@gawker.com


The best shove you will never beat this shove via TMZ. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

Bradley Cooper CAUGHT! In Outrageous Lie

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Bradley Cooper CAUGHT! In Outrageous Lie

Bradley Cooper is making the rounds promoting his upcoming film Burnt, and he recently was the subject of a Details magazine cover story. No doubt drunk on Wet Hot American Summer-fueled goodwill, Cooper chose to tell Details, and, through Details, us all, a brazen and outrageous lie.

My friend, did you think we wouldn’t catch you?

In Burnt, Bradley Cooper plays a chef. Something bad happens to him, you can imagine, then it probably gets a little better. Then it probably gets worse than its ever been, and then I bet there is a happy ending. How did he prepare for this role? Well, he’ll tell you, crossing his fingers behind his back:

“I worked for most of my life as a cook.”

Mmhm. OK. Let’s do the math, then, Bradley Cooper. Bradley Cooper was allegedly born on January 5, 1975, making him 40 years old. So. Did he work as a cook from the age of 12 through the age of, at the very least, 33? Was he born a cook and chose to retire in his twenties? Is he a cook right now? He continues:

“When I was 15, I was a busboy at a Greek restaurant and then I worked as a prep cook through college. My mother’s side is Italian, so I grew up cooking all the time with my grandmother.”

Huh. Speaking generously, it seems Bradley Cooper spent, at most, four years as a cook and one year as a busboy. “Most of my life,” he says. Well, then. Are you seven, Bradley Cooper?

Bradley Cooper—

Are you seven?

If we are to believe that Bradley Cooper is not seven but 40, this leaves a glaring discrepancy in his cook resume, and an enormous lie in his Details cover story. Is he even fit to play the role of Chef in Burnt?

We have reached out to Bradley Cooper’s representation and will let you know when we hear back.


h/t PageSix. Image via Getty. Contact the author at kelly.conaboy@gawker.com.

500 Days of Kristin, Day 233: Happy Birthday, Friend

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500 Days of Kristin, Day 233: Happy Birthday, Friend

Today, Kristin Cavallari wished a happy birthday on Twitter to her former Hills cast mate and published author Heidi Montag.


Heidi said thank you! And love you!

Does Kristin love Heidi back? While she never showed outright contempt for her on The Hills, Kristin did not invite Heidi to her 2013 wedding to Jay Cutler.

Kristin explained to America’s Star magazine at the time:

[The wedding is] going to be family and really close friends. If the wedding were bigger, I would have loved to invite Audrina, Stephanie and Heidi.

Damn. Last on Kristin’s list of women one step removed from “Lauren Conrad.”

Happy birthday.


This has been 500 Days of Kristin.

[Photo via Getty]

Court Affirms Your Right To Scrawl "Fuck Your Shitty Town" On Speeding Tickets Received In Shitty Towns

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Court Affirms Your Right To Scrawl "Fuck Your Shitty Town" On Speeding Tickets Received In Shitty Towns

A Connecticut man has won his lawsuit against a shitty New York municipality that fined him for speeding, then arrested him because it didn’t like what he wrote on his ticket.

Michael Barboza was pissed off that the town of Liberty, N.Y., had dinged him for speeding, and he expressed his feelings by writing “FUCK YOUR SHITTY TOWN BITCHES” on the ticket, as well as crossing out “Liberty” and replacing it with “Tyranny.” Despite his assessment of the town’s shittiness, he paid the ticket.

But the shitty, ironically named town refused to take Barboza’s payment, calling him into court instead. After driving two hours to comply with the summons, he was arrested for aggravated harassment.

A judge dropped the charges a year later, not even bothering to cite a case in determining that “fuck your shitty town” is protected free speech.

Barboza, with the assistance of the good people at the New York Civil Liberties Union, sued Liberty and its assistant district attorney, Robert Zangla, for violating his First Amendment rights. That case was finally decided Thursday, in Barboza’s favor.

A federal judge found that Barboza’s writing, “though crude and offensive to some, did not convey an imminent threat and was made in the context of complaining about government activity,” and thus didn’t qualify as harassment under the relevant statute.

“The words here are not inherently likely to provoke violent reaction, they were not directed at anyone in particular, and could not be interpreted as threatening any particular action,” Seibel said.

“I hope that by standing up for myself, other Americans will not be treated like criminals for complaining about their government with a few harmless words.”

“Bitches,” he added, in his head, nodding in satisfaction.

[Photo via New York Civil Liberties Union]

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