Next time someone tries to tell you New York City isn't Real America, you remind them: 1 World Trade Center is 1,776 feet tall, man. Ain't that America? We love our country so much, in fact, that a new skyscraper — Earth's tallest residential building! — will top out one foot lower in patriotic deference.

The Nordstrom Tower — designed by world's-tallest-building architecture firm Adrian Smith + Gordon Gill — is slated for completion in 2018, according to New York YIMBY, which acquired the building's specs. It will sit 1,775 feet high at 225 West 57th street, proudly reminding observers of the year before the year our founding fathers declared an independence that took six more years to truly establish.

(If we're going by the building itself, the Nordstrom Tower will actually be about 100 feet taller taller than 1WTC. The trade center's extra-long spire brings it to its star-spangled total height.)

It's enough to bring sentimental tears to the eyes of even the snobbiest of east coast liberal elites. We wave our flags for you, Texas; we admire your very fashionable outfits, Minnesota and Wisconsin; we laugh heartily along with you at Two and Half Men reruns, our Nebraskan brothers and sisters. Peering down at you from the balconies of gleaming edifices all over Manhattan, New Yorkers realize: we are all one glorious nation.

[h/t Daily Intel, image via New York YIMBY]

"Wouldn't it be crazy if [TV show I watch] were real?" That's the thought that had Showtime subscribers losing their shit this week after an article came out about 17 dismembered bodies being found in the Ohio River near Henderson, Ky. According to the report, the victims were wrapped in individual plastic bags and some had "extensive criminal records," causing police to speculate the murders were possibly "inspired by the television series Dexter."

It was a good story, judging by the 200,000 Facebook shares the article had amassed by Thursday morning, but it was also totally bogus. Asked if the report was true, Henderson County Coroner Bruce Farmer told Gawker, "No, not in the least bit." "We did retrieve a lower leg out of the river on Friday," said Farmer, "but no 17 bodies." Henderson Police similarly disputed the story of the serial serial killer killer, issuing their own denial via Twitter:

Article stating that 17 dismembered bodies have been found in Henderson has been showing up on FB feeds. This is a hoax, completely untrue.

— Henderson Police (@Henderson_PD) July 8, 2014

The original source of the story was Empire News, a self-described "satirical and entertainment website" who, in this case, were apparently satirizing the police's foolish tendency to find dead people.

[Image via Showtime]

At 100 years old, there's no doubt that Scott Cleveland's grandmother has seen a lot of things, but the one thing she really wanted to see was her grandson's face underneath his dumb beard.

"Had a beard for 4 years. And for 4 years Grandma has disliked it. I promised I'd shave it for her 100th birthday," Cleveland wrote on YouTube.

He made the promise two years ago, and now he's kept it. He even let his grandma—who's a delightful ham in front of the camera—help.

"It's good to see you again," she says when it's all over, because all dad jokes were probably grandma jokes at some point.

[H/T Digg]

From California to Arizona to Texas to New York, the restaurant industry is booming, and restaurants are desperately seeking to hire new employees. At an average annual wage of $16,446.

What does it tell you that DVF—one of the most elegant, fashion-savvy style geniuses of our time, a woman with enough foresight to literally invent a new kind of dress—looks dumb with a face computer?

It tells you that there's probably a reason Google didn't mention Glass a single time during its recent mega-conference, and that if high fashion can't save high tech, the project is probably fucked.

This year, Dr. Sue Sisley became the only researcher in the U.S. to win federal approval for medical marijuana research. Last week, she lost her job.

Sisley, an assistant professor at the University of Arizona, intended to study the effects of cannabis on PTSD. After years of working with veterans who'd failed to treat their symptoms with FDA-approved drugs, but sang weed's praises, she'd become convinced that it might work.

From the Daily Beast:

In time, her office became a pseudo-confessional for former soldiers who'd turned to the black market for medicine. "Veterans were having the courage to tell me they were using this plant to successfully treat the whole constellation of symptoms," says Sisley. "After 10 years, I couldn't ignore it."

Convinced by the fact that these "highly principled" men and women were actively choosing to break the law, Sisley set out to gather objective data that might corroborate their anecdotal evidence. Her game plan: a triple-blind randomized control trial of marijuana's effect on 70 veterans with PTSD.

Sisley was one of only 15 people over the last 20 years to complete the arduous federal approval process for cannabis research, and the University's sudden decision to fire her effectively makes it impossible to carry out her work.

Several conservative Arizona lawmakers have attempted to block cannabis studies in the state, and in recent months, Sisley says, the university has been uncooperative in moving her research along:

"The University of Arizona can say whatever they want about their love of pot research but the proof is in their inaction, not their words."

But even more than the university, it's the lawmakers behind them that Sisley holds responsible. "These hyper-conservative lawmakers in Arizona are fundamentally opposed to marijuana research," she says. "Some have even gone on record with reporters to say weed research is a strategy for achieving marijuana legalization. They don't want to see any universities resources going to support this work."

It's unclear why exactly Sisley was fired — the University of Arizona told the Daily Beast it "does not comment on personnel issues" — but her termination means that veterans suffering from the psychic horror of PTSD, who may have benefitted from a more thorough understanding of pot's effects, will have to stick to Zoloft and Paxil for now. Her attorney plans to file a formal appeal.

[Image via AP]

Robin Thicke's ode to his estranged wife, his seventh studio album, Paula, is a commercial disaster. In its first week, it sold 24,000 copies in the U.S.—that's an almost 87 percent drop from the first-week haul of last year's Blurred Lines (177,000 copies), and even less than Jennifer Lopez's recent A.K.A., which is widely regarded as an instant flop. To contrast, this week's No. 1 album on the Billboard 200, Trey Songz's Trigga, did 105,000 copies.

In Canada, Paula sold 550 copies its first week in stores. In England, Paula moved 530 units. In Australia, its first-week sales were less than 54. More people attended your little sister's dance recital last week.

Maybe it's residual "Blurred Lines" backlash. Maybe it's what many perceive to be the self-indulgent nature of his material. Maybe it's because it just fucking sucks. No matter, no one cares about Paula.

Although it is a commercial failure, time will tell if it is a personal success, if in fact it succeeds in getting Paula Patton back. Not looking so good, though.

[Image via Getty]

Proving that conservatives don't hold exclusive rights on Second Amendment stupidity, here is a video of a 31-year-old liberal running for Congress on the strength of his ability to hit an elephant piñata with a shotgun from 10 yards, which is both easy and dumb dumb dumb.

The liberal in question is Estakio Beltran, who ostensibly sounds qualified for office: recent grad of Columbia's graduate public affairs school, a foster-families success story who's worked for Democratic Sen. Maria Cantwell of Washington and Rep. Dennis Cardoza of California.

His Democratic campaign for Washington's 4th Congressional District is "focused on expanding child welfare benefits and job creation," he claims. He wants to work for "those Americans who are hardworking and could just do so much more if we gave them a hand up instead of a hand down."

Right, and nothing says that better than blasting the bejeezus out of a token stand-in for the political party that opposes you. Via Vocativ:

"They say I can't win in this district," Beltran says as he trains his gun at the GOP mascot. "But what happens to an elephant that stands around doing nothing for too long?"

Beltran pulls the trigger. The elephant takes a slug to the tuchus.

This inane Capitol-cowboy equation of political struggle with armed conflict puts Beltran not in the company of compassionate statesmen, but in the company of Sarah "Reload" Palin, a Georgia anti-Obama redneck with a cannon, this Alabama Republican dude with his gun BBQ smoker, and the lady who brags about how well she can de-nut a pig.

Don't we have a participatory political system in order to not decide disagreements with boomsticks?

A Mississippi three-year-old who was supposedly cured of HIV last year has relapsed, disappointed federal officials announced today. Known as the "Mississippi baby," the child was the first to ever to rid herself of the virus.

The girl had been off antiretroviral therapy for two years before the virus came back. She has now resumed therapy. Hannah Gay, a pediatric HIV specialist who treated her, told USA Today, "Ever since we discovered this case in 2012, we knew this could happen," but it still feels like a "punch in the gut."

The girl was born with the virus, and stopped taking medication around 18 months after she and her mother briefly vanished.

[Image via Shutterstock]

Glee is a mess. Its stars have fought each other and gotten their Twitter accounts hacked, and no one watches the show anymore. Now, as the show gears up for its sixth and final season, it can't even die a dignified death.

Today, The Hollywood Reporter broke the story that the final season has been cut nearly in half. Originally scheduled to run for 22 episodes (whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?), Glee will now bow out with just 13 episodes. Sources told THR that the decision was a mutual one between the network and Glee's creators:

Sources tell THR that Murphy sat down with the network and studio 20th Century Fox Television to discuss the best way to end the series and decided that the story would be best told in one final run of 13 consecutive episodes.

Here's the best way to end Glee: never broadcast another episode. It's really that simple. Pay out the contracts of the cast and crew and let Glee's dwindling fanbase pretend that the characters all lived happily ever after, which is better than the reality of them being trapped inside a dreary show that everyone wants to end as quickly as possible.

Even high schoolers know you're supposed to rip the Band-Aid off.

[image via Getty]

A "left wing liberal" campaigning for Virginia Rep. Eric Cantor's House seat has put a $100,000 bounty on nude photos of Texas Tech cheerleader and big-game hunter Kendall Jones.

Jones' photos of the animals she's killed in Africa made her the most-hated person on Facebook last week, and protests eventually led to the hunting images being removed from the site. Jones argues she's a conservationist, and claims she's developing a hunting reality show for the Sportsman Channel.

But Mike Dickinson, a seemingly bogus write-in candidate for Virginia's 7th District, is interested in more than Jones's photos of dead animals. He's after nude photos, sex tapes, and details about the 19-year-old cheerleader's sex life, and he's willing to pay six figures for them.

Scumbag #KendallJones hunts animals for fun. We are hunting her for fun. 100k for nude photos or sex tapes pic.twitter.com/DUKxNW8kF2

— DickinsonForCongress (@VoteMike2014) July 10, 2014

If any ex boyfriends of #KendallJones are out there we want and will pay for sex stories or info about her

— DickinsonForCongress (@VoteMike2014) July 10, 2014

Dickinson even contacted the editor-in-chief of Texas Tech's campus newspaper, the Daily Toreador, to ask if he could run an ad offering to buy dirt on Jones. The editor agreed to respond to his inquiries, but she pointed out that any ads would have to meet the paper's standards.

Why does Dickinson care so much about Jones, and what does any of this have to do with his campaign? That part is entirely unclear, but it seems like he's awkwardly stapled an anti-hunting agenda to some kind of personal crusade against puritanism.

We treat nudity and sex in America as bad and dirty. Yet, we glorify scum like #KendallJones for hunting and killing animals

— DickinsonForCongress (@VoteMike2014) July 10, 2014

“StunGunGirl: I'm trying to understand your platform”

War on anyone who is a RW nra hunting moron

— DickinsonForCongress (@VoteMike2014) July 10, 2014

Asked if he plans to retract his offer and apologize to Jones, he responded, "When pigs fly," which is coincidentally also when Dickinson will get elected to Congress.

[H/T UPI, Photo: Facebook]

According to a new study, Jimmy Fallon spends less time talking—defined as the time spent talking to his guests—than anyone else in late night.

The study, performed by Stephen Winzenburg, a communications professor at Grand View University, presumably of his own will, shows that Fallon spends only 37 percent of the time "talking" in his Tonight Show, far less than Jay Leno or Johnny Carson, who each spent 51 percent. Here's the Hollywood Reporter with the rest of his findings:

Fallon spends about 21 percent of his time on his monologue (not considered "talk"), just as Leno did, but Fallon spends 23 percent on comedy bits and 14 percent on music, both significantly higher than what Leno was doing as host of the show.

With 37 percent of his show dedicated to talk, Fallon is way below his peers. Craig Ferguson is next lowest at 43 percent; Jimmy Kimmel is at 48 percent; Seth Meyers and David Letterman are each at 51 percent; and Conan O'Brien is at 53 percent.

Winzenberg doesn't try to hide his bias against Fallon's lack of "talk" (or the loss of Jay Leno's "edgy political humor"—uh-huh):

"Fallon may have made the changes to downplay his weak interviewing skills and better utilize his Saturday Night Live background. But he also abandoned the edgy political humor of prior Tonight hosts in favor of song parodies and celebrity beer pong." ... "His relatively small amount of talk time is closer to that used by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.... The Tonight Show has become successful by looking more like a comedy variety series than a traditional talk show."

Other late night hosts aren't reducing their own talk time, but maybe they should? Maybe we should all work on reducing our talk time.

Shhh. Isn't that nice? Shhhh.

[image via Getty]

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Clam the psychic clam, who took the world by storm with his bold and accurate World Cup predictions, is back, shaking up the stuffy world of psychic animal sports prediction with a new prophecy: LeBron James will return to the Clevaland Cavaliers.

There's nothing sacred to Clam, especially not the clubby, tradition-bound world of animal prophets. Even after a whirlwind run through U.S. World Cup matches turned the edgy bivalve into a viral star, Clam shows no signs of slowing his (its?) roll—or his in-your-face, take-no-prisoners attitude! What's next for Clam? The only one who knows for sure is Clam himself.

Video by Nick Stango

Notoriously skeevy American Apparel founder Dov Charney was fired in mid-June for a long list of reasons, including allegedly misusing company funds, engaging in and covering up sexual harassment, and leaking nude photos of the woman who claims she was his sex slave. But the Charney-American Apparel breakup apparently didn't stick—the company is bringing him back as a consultant.

In the wake of his firing, Charney's attorney claimed the company's investigation was illegitimate and threatened to sue unless he was reinstated. Now the two parties have reportedly reached an agreement: Charney and four other members of the seven-person board will step down while an independent committee investigates Charney's conduct.

He'll be employed as a "strategic consultant" on a contract basis during the investigation, keeping the same base salary. Charney previously turned down the position, which he was offered in exchange for resigning as CEO.

Charney has now turned over his stake in American Apparel to New York hedge fund Standard General, which bailed the company out with $25 million in capital that will keep it from defaulting on its debts. In exchange, Standard will get some amount of debt or preferred stock and be allowed to name 3 new directors.

Charney and Standard control a combined 44 percent of American Apparel, but they've reached a standstill agreement that blocks either of them from buying additional stock until Charney's investigation is complete.

[H/T ABC, Photo: Getty Images]

According to prosecutors, the man behind yesterday's grisly shooting in the Houston suburb of Spring, Texas forced his way into Stephen and Katie Stay's home, tied them and their five children up, and made them lie face-down before shooting them "execution-style." Police arrested Ronald Lee Haskell, 33, last night after a chase and an hours-long standoff. He has been charged with one count of capital murder.

According to the Houston Chronicle, Haskell is the ex-husband of Katie Stay's sister, and came to their home searching for his ex-wife. Haskell shot all seven family members—the parents and three of the children died at the scene. A fourth child died at the hospital.

One daughter, 15-year-old Cassidy, survived by playing dead until police arrived. Cassidy has nine stitches and a skull fracture after the bullet grazed her head. She told police that Haskell appeared at her front door dressed as a FedEx worker, and asked to speak to her parents. From there, the incident escalated:

She told him they weren't home, at which point he left, but soon returned and knocked on the door again. She again told him her parents weren't home. At that point, he told her his name, which she recognized, and she tried to close the door.

Then, Haskell kicked the door in and forced his way inside. He told her to get a pen and paper, tied her up, and waited for other family members to return.

When they arrived, the suspect tied them up and made then lie face-down on the floor. Then, he asked them where his wife was. They said they didn't know. "He shot them all "execution-style," in the back of the head," according to the statement read by a prosecutor.

When officers arrived at the scene, Cassidy told them that Haskell might be heading to the home of his ex-wife's parents nearby; police were able to corner him before he arrived at the house.

According to police, Haskell has a long history of domestic disputes:

Logan police Capt. Tyson Budge said the 2008 domestic violence and child abuse charges arose from an incident in which he had pulled his wife by the hair and punched her in the side of her head in front of children.

In October 2013, he was arrested for violating a newly issued protective order by showing up at the elementary school of his children. Budge said that because the alleged violation occurred on the same day that he'd been issued the protective order, authorities didn't prosecute him.

In September 2009, Haskell found a police officer and told him that his then-wife Melannie had walked off and he felt she was going to kill herself, saying he'd found a note saying that she was leaving.

In October 2013, Budge said, police received a call from Haskell's brother saying he feared Haskell was going to harm himself, and wanted them to do a welfare check.

"He probably did a lot more than she (his wife at the time) told us, but this is all we've got on him," Budge said.

KHOU reports that Haskell blamed the Stays for convincing his ex-wife to leave him with their three children.

[Images via Houston Chronicle]

British hardware hackers have developed a grotesque appendage for Glass that claims it can read your mind. MindRDR monitors brainwaves, allowing wearers to take pictures by sheer concentration.

A BBC reporter tested the device and verified it works. However, Google was quick to deny the developers' claims. In a statement to the BBC, Google assured users that "Google Glass cannot read your mind."

To contact the author of this post, please email kevin@valleywag.com.

The number of people suffering from kidney stones has grown over the past thirty years, and a new study shows it's likely to get worse. Here's why.

Pediatric urologist Gregory Tasian and his team analyzed over 60,000 medical records of people with kidney stones in major cities throughout the U.S. What they found was that people were more likely to develop the painful calcium deposits (pictured above) in their kidneys when average temperatures rose over 50 degrees. In fact, many cases of kidney stones cropped up roughly three days after a hot day.

Now that climate change means that some regions of the globe are heating up, it's likely that kidney stones will become even more common. The main cause for the connection between temperature and kidney stones is dehydration. When you get hot and dehydrated, the concentration of calcium and minerals in your urine goes up, and that can create the stones.

In a statement, Tasian said:

These findings point to potential public health effects associated with global climate change ... It is likely that higher temperatures increase the risk of kidney stones in those people predisposed to stone formation.

Kidney stone prevalence has already been on the rise over the last 30 years, and we can expect this trend to continue, both in greater numbers and over a broader geographic area, as daily temperatures increase. With some experts predicting that extreme temperatures will become the norm in 30 years, children will bear the brunt of climate change.

This is just one of many ways that climate change may affect us in ways that we never expected.

Read the full scientific paper in Environmental Health Perspectives.

President Obama was in Austin today, where he stopped by renowned barbecue joint Franklin's on his way out of town. But the president is apparently not beholden to the unspoken but strictly enforced "no cutters" rule the rest of us live by (or should live by). "I know this is a long line. I feel real bad, but—I'm gonna cut," the pool of reporters heard him say, before he cut in line.

Line cutting is already a heinous violation of the social contract, but it is an especially egregious offense at Franklin's, where people literally wait hours (hours!) in a line that often trails down the street to eat their much-ballyhooed grilled meats.

He tried to make up for it by buying some people's food—an apparent charade to flaunt his line-cutting and wads of cash-having privilege. From the Austin American-Statesman:

When he arrived at the counter, Obama offered to pay for the order for the two people in front of him — Bruce Finstad of Houston and his daughter Faith of Austin. After they ordered three pounds of brisket, two pounds of ribs, and a half-pound each of turkey and sausage, Obama said, "How many folks are you guys feeding? Just kidding."

President Obama ordered almost $300 in barbecue – not including the Finstad's order – and paid with a credit card, after shoving a wad of cash back into his pocket. The president was headed to Austin-Bergstrom International Airport after his stop at Franklin. I bet he takes a nap on the flight home.

Apparently, at least according to Franklin's own Aaron Franklin, no one has ever cut in line at his restaurant...until today.

[Image via AP]

The head of a newspaper and four of its reporters were sentenced to 10 years of prison and hard labor by a court in Myanmar today following a report the group published exposing a supposedly secret government chemical weapons factory. The Burmese government has denied the existence of such a factory.

"This is injustice!" Tint Hsan, the chief executive of the weekly Unity newspaper, shouted as he was led out of court. "This is an attempt to control the press!"

Press freedoms were finally ushered into the country three years ago when President Thein Sein took office and came after five decades of censorship of the country's press. Statements made by Sein Monday, however, have raised concerns amongst Burmese media.

"If media freedoms are used to endanger state security rather than give benefits to the country, I want to announce that effective action will be taken under existing laws," Sein said. More from the New York Times:

The case comes amid concerns among journalists here that the government, which is led by former military officers, is reverting to tactics of intimidation toward the news media. The Special Branch of the police force, a unit feared during military rule, has visited the newsrooms of a number of publications in recent weeks and asked to see financial records. A journalist for the Democratic Voice of Burma, a Burmese online news site, was jailed earlier this year for trespassing and disturbing the work of a civil servant.

"This is a very dark day for freedom of expression in Myanmar. These five media workers have done nothing but cover a story that is in the public interest," Rupert Abbott, Amnesty International's Deputy Asia-Pacific Director told Reuters.

The lawyer representing the journalists has said that they plan to appeal the ruling.

[Image via AP]